Am I a control freak?

I cry. That's just something I do.  

I always cry..for different reasons.

I cry when I'm super angry. I cry to release all my fears,anxieties and worries. 

I cry when I'm sad and broken. 

I'm crying right now and I'm not really sure why.

Maybe because of all the reasons I wrote above..maybe because of none of them. Maybe because of something entirely different..maybe because of no reason at all.

That's funny..because I never cry(nor cried when I was younger) when I fall and,let's say,get hurt. My mum worries every time I fall..but I just smile and get up right away.

<< Don't worry,I'm fine>> that's what I always say.

I am a  tough cookie on the outside. I can pretend to be happy and to have everything under control.

On the inside however I'm a total mess. I don't know whether I've always been a mess or if I became one this past year.

I've always had my moments of crying..my summer late night hours where I couldn't sleep...all of these things. 

My thoughts..my "moments" ..they're like old friends to me. I know them..they know me. We can live together..with each other. I can kick them out of my mind for a little bit. Or at least..I was able to do that.

 Writing helped. Making up characters,lives,stories..places. Being transported into another world..into my little happy bubble on which I had control. Not having CP anymore..being beautiful and kind and smart. Having a nice job and a nice family. Of course,my characters too went through bad moments..but I mostly wrote about them being happy..with their simple yet perfect life. 

Now writing doesn't really help anymore. Sometimes I find myself hating and canceling stuff I wrote months ago..happy scenes. I find myself hating those. I start crying and getting mad. 

I know life is..life and you can't have total control over it..the same control you have when you write something.

 Sometimes I wish I had it.