I had a couple of very good days..although I've been feeling very sleepy all the time and I couldn't do much revision.
Today I really need to revise a lot and I'm kinda looking forward to it.
This week has been quite productive...on the non revision side of things,at least.
Of course I felt down last Tuesday..but I was prepared. I've just tried to keep myself as busy as possible,so that would be less painful,I guess.
I did some revision,a lot of chores(I found out I love doing laundry!),I finally sent out some packages(yay!) and I finally conquered my fears and anxieties and got some uni related stuff done.
Yes,it's lame..but going on my uni's website makes me super anxious,I have no idea why.
I also broke down on Friday afternoon..cried for a good hour and told my mum everything or almost everything
I told her about how I feel,about what my silly brain tells me from time to time,about how I don't like uni that much..about peer pressure and,most importantly,about how much I love medicine and I want to do that in life.
Surprisingly,I found out she wasn't mad about it a couple of days ago. Apparently,she was worried about me.
I told her why I decided not to apply this year and how difficult has been for me to take such decision.
And how difficult has been for me to find out that I could have done a lot better than last time on that stupid admission test.
I told her that sometimes my brain tells me that I am "just me",I'm stupid and worthless and I can't do anything because I feel like I am never "enough".
I told her I knew that everyone has those feelings sometimes and that self doubt is human...but I feel like they crash me and play with me in any way they want..because sometimes I have absolutely no control over them.
I told her sometimes it's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because I feel like there's no point. Because I lost hope and I'm sick.
I told her I've never talked to her about it before because I didn't want her to worry.
She told me I am amazing and caring and that I can do whatever I want.
She told me to try and get my degree even though I don't like it. I can and I will apply again to med school next year of after I graduate.
She also told me I can move to England after I graduate..so..whooohoo.
I don't really know if or how I'll do it but..I think the UK is definitely in my future..if not for moving there(and hopefully doing medicine there,maybe? *dreams*) at least for a long vacation.
I'm British at heart after all!
After we talked I felt a lot lot better. I actually couldn't stop dancing!
Today I feel more confident.
I feel like I actually have a chance and can become a doctor and do what I love.
I actually could write a happy-ish scene later. Because,let's say it, grey sad Liz is truly no fun.
I have a couple of ideas in mind and I think I finally picked out a name for the new character. But that's gonna be a secret until I write the "last" scene..that I'll probably publish on here if I can.
Soon I'll do the Starlight Award thing..I'm finally feeling up to it,I think. Thank you,Kate..for thinking about me. You're amazing.
I might blog more often..who cares if my English isn't perfect? ;)
After all..this has to be mostly for me,right? ;)
