E poi avrò il coraggio di aspettarti ancora un po'... **

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCEbg-ARMw4

From "This perfectly imperfect life"

It was late afternoon,the sun was setting. I had just got back from work and checked the crockpot,where a comforting mushroom soup was  slowly simmering,for us to have for dinner later. It smelled delicious and I couldn't wait to try it.

 An old grey's anatomy episode was on tv,the volume low. I was in the living room, sitting comfortably

on the couch. Well..as comfortably as possible for being heavily pregnant.

I was folding baby clothes,and,to be completely honest,I was enjoying it a bit. I

Normally I hated folding laundry. But..seeing all of those onesies, bibs,tiny shirts and tiny clothes filled my heart with joy.

I picked up a onesie to fold it and put it on top of the others.

It said "Daddy's little girl" on the front,in teal glittery italic and had tiny flowers printed all over the white fabric.

I felt tears gathering in the corner of my eyes.

I still couldn't believe I was having a girl. I had been dreaming about it since I was a teenager and  finally..it was happening.

I took one hand to my belly and,right at that moment,the baby kicked. I loved feeling her moving.

-Hi,sweetie.-I said,with a smile in my voice- Mummy loves you so much. We all are so unbelievably excited to meet you...

-Lizzie..we're home. Wake up.

Mark's voice woke me up. I looked around,confused. I was in the car,on the passenger seat,with my seat belt on. And to my disappoint,I saw I wasn't pregnant.

It was a dream. I must had fallen asleep during the car ride home.

I held back a sigh when I remembered we had been on a break from TTC for a month. I knew it was what we needed,for the sake of our mental health.

But still..sometimes every day of not trying seemed like a waste of precious limited time to me.

I wanted a family of my own so bad.

-Lizzie?-Mark's voice- You okay?

I nodded. I grabbed my purse and hopped out of the car,still half asleep.

Mark lead me to the front door and opened it.

The smell of candles mixed to mushroom soup simmering in the slow cooker,filled my nostrils.

I loved the hospital and my job more than anything but I was so happy to finally be home.

I took off my coat and scarf and hung them into place.

Then I sank on the couch. Mark did the same.

-Ahh,it feels so good to be home. -I said- Doesn't it?

-You bet.

He smiled at me.

-And being out of that ridiculously looking prince costume feels even better.

-It isn't ridiculous!-I protested- And besides,Flynn isn't a prince!

I playfully elbowed him.

-Did you even watch the movie?

-You know I'm doing this just because I love you,right?

He looked at me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

-I know.-I said-The kids..if the show goes well,they're gonna be so happy.

Thank you so much for doing this with me.

I smiled widely at him.

-I'd do anything for that smile,my sweet Rapunzel.

I kissed him on the cheek and then got up from the couch.

-Where are you going? Come back here!

-I gotta check on dinner and put something comfy on.  I'll be back soon. I don't need saving ,my Prince.

I held back a giggle while heading to the kitchen.

The smell of mushroom and rosemary  filled my nostrils.

I couldn't wait to eat dinner.

While I was checking the soup,I felt Mark's arms wrapping around me.

He smelled like mint and firewood. He must had started the fire,in the fireplace in the living room.

He wrapped me even tighter.

Then he started kissing  my neck.

It felt good. So good.

-Were you missing me that bad that you had to come here?-I joked.

-I can't be without you. -he replied- You know that.

He kept kissing my neck.

I was starting to feel goosebumps running through my spine.

At some point ,he lightly moved my sweater's sleeve,exposed my left shoulder and gently kissed it.

He did the same with my right.

I wanted to give in..at least a part of me did.

The other part of me,on the other hand,thought about our break from TTC.

I couldn't face yet another failure,even though being on a break was making me crazy.

I turned off the slow cooker,holding back a sigh.

Mark was still holding me.

I turned around and found myself wrapped in his arms.

-You looked beautiful in that princess costume.

He pushed a lock of hair out of my face.

I ran my hand through his curls and caressed his cheek,still soft and smooth from when he shaved that morning.

My heart was telling me to kiss him and let myself go.

My mind,on the other hand,once again quickly raced to all the failures,negative pregnancy tests and tears I had shed.

I felt tears in my eyes.

I broke the hug and walked away from Mark.

-Lizzie..-he whispered,sweetly.

He got closer to me but didn't touch me.

-What's wrong?

I looked at the tiles in front of me,as if looking straight into a random object would prevent me from bursting into tears.

-I..can't.-I whispered-..I can't.

-We were just holding each other.

-I can't do it.-I said- I can't face another failure..

-I know,baby. I know.

 I felt pain and sadness in his voice. Sometimes I got so wrapped up into my own sadness and depressive thoughts that I forgot he too was suffering because of us not being able to have a family.

I blamed myself for that

But at that moment,I realised Mark did the same with himself.

He too was suffering.

I thought about it.

We were on a break and he knew that I couldn't face another failure.

But,at the same time,I realised something. At that moment, I really wanted to feel his arms around me,his gentle touch,his soft lips on my skin.

I wanted to feel his sweet smell,his warmth.

I realised I was longing for it..for him.

-Shut up,brain.-I told myself,as I wiped my tears away with a paper towel.

I walked towards Mark and I held him tightly. I gently caressed his cheek.

-I love you.

I caressed his other cheek and then I gently kissed him on his lips.

He immediately started kissing me back.

It felt so amazing.

I felt my muscles  starting to relax,and with them my whole body and mind.

My hands started to gently run on his face,then on his neck.

It felt like they had their own life..I was no longer in control of them.

At the same time,Mark caressed my cheeks,my neck. My shoulders...  my back.

His hands also seemed to have acquired a life of their own.

At every touch,I felt more relaxed.

I kissed him again,while his hands started making their way under my sweater.

His warm hands on my skin felt so good. While still kissing him,I started unbuttoning his shirt.

I let my hands run through his chest and explore every inch of his skin,as if it was the first time I was doing so.

-Shall we go upstairs?-I whispered in his ear.

-As you wish,my princess.

He swept me off of my feet and we started making our way to our bedroom.

I woke up to a pale ray of light coming through the blinds.

I  saw Mark laying next to me,watching me.

-Good morning,Mark- I told him,with a smile- Were you watching me sleep?

-Good morning,Lizzie.- he said- Mmm..what do you think?

I smiled at him.

-How are you?

-I'm good. -he said- How about you?

I yawned and gently stretched.

-I'm good.-I smiled- I didn't get any sleep..

-Neither did I.

He grinned and he started playing with my hair.

We then shared a kiss.

-But it's fine- I whispered to him with a smile- it was amazing.

-It really was.

-What time is it?-I asked him-Do you think you could stay here  a bit longer?

-Why couldn't I,Lizzie?

-Your shift..

He suddenly turned white.

-Oh..crap.

-Did you forget about it?

He nodded,while he started to get up.

-My first surgery is in 30 minutes.

-Okay. You can do it. -I told him,sweetly- Here it's what we're gonna do: you go shower.

It's only 6 am and it's gloomy outside. You shouldn't find any traffic.

I'll make you coffee and whip up some breakfast in the meanwhile,okay?

He got up and ran to the bathroom,stopping  to kiss me on my lips.

-What did I do to deserve such a perfect wife?

-Ooh,you! -I joked- Always far too kind. In the shower,quick!

-Yes,ma'am.

   Once he was gone,I got up and wrapped myself up in a long cardigan.

Then I put my glasses on and started making my way downstairs to the kitchen.

I immediately saw the slow cooker sitting near the stove top and realised Mark and I had forgotten to eat dinner the day before.

Thankfully,the soup could sit at room temperature.

I took Mark's favourite mug and started the Keurig.

I then poured the soup into a big Tupperware and popped it in the fridge.

I couldn't wait to have some for lunch with some whole wheat croutons on the side.

 Starting that day,I was on nights all week so I didn't have to be at work until 6 pm.

In a perfect world,I should have used that time to rest and recharge before my shift.

But I had to clean the house,go grocery shopping,work out,meal prep and do some pre shift reading.

I was determined to squeeze in some self care in as well though..most likely in the form of taking a nap and a long shower or taking my time to cook Mark a special dinner for when he came back from his shift.

As someone who had been dealing with depression since early adolescence and a physician,I was aware of the incredible value of self care and I tried my best to find time for it every day.

No matter if it was 5 minutes or 5 hours..as long as I did manage to do something for myself.

I took coconut sugar and almond milk out of the cabinet,to put into Mark's coffee as soon as it was done brewing.

-Mmmm..breakfast...-I thought -..what should we have for breakfast?

I opened the fridge in the hopes of finding inspiration.

When nothing came to my mind,I opened the freezer.

I saw a ziplock bag of frozen waffles I had made a few days before,half a  bag of frozen blueberries and some frozen spinach to use up.

I grabbed all three things,plus liquid egg whites and a couple of cherry tomatoes.

Since Mark didn't tell me if he was craving sweet or savoury for breakfast I decided to make both.

So I popped a couple of waffles in the toaster,while I heated up some olive oil in a pan.

At the same time I put a couple of handfuls of frozen blueberries,some lemon juice and coconut sugar in a saucepan for them to cook down and make a blueberry compote to spoon over the waffles.

While cooking,I started humming a song to myself.

I hadn't done that in a while. I realised I was happy that morning while hoping depression wouldn't spoil it later in the day.

I gave the egg whites,tomato and spinach a toss,seasoned them with salt and pepper, and checked the Keurig.

I then took two identical plates  and laid them on the table

-Mmmm..-I said-..there's something missing here.

I suddenly had an idea.

I took hot sauce out of the fridge and sketched a heart on the side of one of the plates.

I then grabbed some already washed blackberries.

Meal prepping was such a life saver.

I had started doing that  in college as part of my goal of becoming the healthiest version of myself.

And I hadn't looked back ever since.

I found that,if I had a healthy meal -or healthy food in general-ready to grab in the fridge,I was way less likely to snack on cookies,chocolate or chips.

Thankfully Mark too was as passionate about nutrition and fitness as I was.

 I took the waffles out of the toaster,piled them on a plate and drizzled the berry sauce over them.

I then poured almond milk and sugar in the coffee and plated the eggs.

As soon as I was done setting the table,Mark walked into the room,fully dressed and holding the car keys in his hand.

-Breakfast is served. -I said,with a smile- Hurry up and eat,before it goes cold.

He sat at the table while I started doing the dishes.

-Sweet and savoury? -he said- Really?

-Well..I didn't know what you were in the mood for..so..yeah. I made you both.

-Again..what did I do to deserve such a perfect wife?

A wave of nausea forced me out of my warm,cosy bed.

Again.

As I was brushing my teeth after emptying the contents of my stomach in the toilet bowl,I realised that that was my third to fourth stomach bug in..

-..what..2 months? -I whispered to myself.

Oh..the joys of being a pediatrician.

The worst thing about it was no antiemetic worked with me.

The only thing that worked was hot lemon water,ginger and extra light food.

Thank God I could still eat oatmeal and fresh fruit in the morning..as long as I cooked it in water only...which was how I liked it anyway.

I've been eating oatmeal for breakfast since I was in my twenties and it still was my favourite go to breakfast  in the winter months.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw I was really pale.

-I hate stomach bugs..-I thought,while I gathered my hair in a messy bun.

 I then made my way back to my bedroom. I slowly crawled back into bed,to try to get another hour of sleep before my alarm went off.

Mark was sleeping next to me on his side of the bed.

As soon as my head touched the pillow I fell asleep.

I woke up to the subtle smell of freshly brewed coffee.

I loved coffee and drank it by the gallon.

I liked it strong and black.

No sugar,no creamer.

Just coffee,pure and  simple.

I blinked  a few times,to get my eyes used to the light.

I saw Mark placing a tray on my nightstand.

-Good morning.

He smiled at me and handed me my mug,full of coffee.

-Good morning to you. -I replied with a smile -How are you?

He yawned.

-I wish I could sleep for 10 hours..

-You tell me..

-How are you? You look pale...

I got the mug closer to my mouth and the coffee aroma filled my nostrils.

As soon as it did,a new wave of nausea hit me.

I covered my mouth with one hand and ran  to the bathroom.

I felt Mark's hands rubbing my back in a circular motion while I was throwing up.

Once I was done,he helped me up.

-Stupid stomach bug...-I whispered-..I can't seem to be able to fight it off.

I approached to the sink to brush my teeth.

-Do you want me to call into work for you?

I was confused. Why should he do that?

-Why? I can go...

-What? -he smiled - Spit out the toothpaste and say that again.

I finished brushing my teeth and wiped my mouth off with a towel.

-I said I can go to work no problem. -I told Mark- No need for you to call in for me.

I got closer to him and caressed his cheeks.

-Thank you though.

-Are you sure you can go?

-110% sure.

I smiled.

-Don't worry.

-Well then..why don't you take a warm shower? I'll make you breakfast.

I looked at him and realised how thankful I was for having him by my side.

-Oatmeal and hot lemon water?

-That'd be perfect.

He kissed my forehead.

-I'll leave you to your shower then. Breakfast will be ready when you're done.

It was December 5th but the hospital was already decorated for Christmas.

I loved it so much. Ahhh,I loved Christmas.

It meant baking season has officially begun.

When I started to eat healthy in my early 20s,I also taught myself to cook and bake.

Even though I would never have been as good as my mum or as my super talented pastry chef mother in law,I still loved to bake and try out new recipes.

And once a recipe had been tested and repeatedly made and approved,I would start make it again and again and shared whatever I made with my colleagues.

I usually started baking and bringing stuff over in late November or so..but the stomach bugs I had been dealing with had made it impossible for me to get near the kitchen that year.

-Today after work I will start decorating the house and bake some brownies.-I thought.

And I was determined to do it even though "after work" meant 8 pm at the earliest.

That day,and the whole month, I was responsible for the interns on their benign hem rotations.

As an attending pediatrician and a first year hem/onc fellow,I could teach the 1st year residents  on my service.

I loved teaching and helping them  out and I was against pimping. It had no purpose in my opinion.

I had 3 residents on my service that day,all women.

I was outside one patient of mine's room.

Noah was 4 and was diagnosed with Blackfan Diamond anemia when he was 9 months old.

He had been receiving steroid treatment and blood transfusions since then and that's why he was at the hospital that day.

He was on the bone marrow transplant list and I was pretty positive we would have found a match soon.

We got in his room and saw him laying on his bed,pale but happy and bouncy,as he always was.

His mum was sitting next to him.

-Doctor Liz! -he squealed.

-Hi champ.- I smiled- Give me five!

He did as told.

-So...how are you doing today?

-Ready for my magic cells!

-You're gonna get those soon.

I looked at my interns.

-Who wants to present the case?

They stayed quiet.

They reminded me of when I myself was an intern and had no experience whatsoever.

I was scared to even sneeze.

-Come on,I promise I don't eat people. Nor interns.

I smiled at them.

-Noah here can tell you himself...-I looked at him-..right,champ?

-She doesn't eat people.-he obediently said-..she just eats chocolate. All the time.

He looked at my interns and his eyes got bigger.

-Is any of you made of chocolate?

We all chuckled. Gosh, I loved kids.

At that point, Malini,one of my interns,shyly raised her hand.

-Yes?

I gave her an encouraging smile.

-I..uhm..-she started-..would like to present the case...

-That's the way to go. -I told her- Well done,doctor Patel. Now..go ahead,please.

-Noah Jacobs,4 years old..

-My birthday is in 2 days!!-Noah squealed,interrupting her-I'm almost 5!

She smiled at him.

-Oh,sorry. -she told him-Let me just start again,okay?

She already seemed more relaxed and at ease.

Kids could have that power on people. They sure had it on me.

When I was around kids,I would instantly feel better,no matter how bad I was feeling just a moment earlier

-Noah Jacobs,4 years old,almost 5.-she winked at him-Diagnosed with Blackfan Diamond anemia at 9 months of age,he's been on steroids and receiving transfusions ever since.

Today he's here for his weekly transfusion and a check up.

-Well done. -I praised her.- You were good.

-So that means you're gonna give her candy and a sticker,right?

Noah's voice again.

-You always give me those if I'm good.

-She's gonna get a sticker too,don't you worry.

When we got out of Noah's room,I suddenly felt hot.

It was like someone had cracked up the heat to a million degrees.

All that heat made me feel terribly queasy,once again.

-Doctor ...

-Mmmm..

My vision got blurred. I started feeling lightheaded and then,all of a sudden,everything started spinning around me.

After that,everything went black.

When I woke up on that cold early December morning,I was expecting everything but my attending passing out in my arms.

Carolyn,Sara and I had just finished checking on a patient.

I had presented the case and received praise from doctor Johnson.

I loved working with her. I loved the fact that she treated us interns like we were on her same level of knowledge,despite her being more experienced than us.

I loved the fact that she never scared us nor tortured us with impossible questions,like many other fellows did.

She made me feel like a valuable member of the team,like a "real" doctor.

Plus,she was so kind and sweet and nice to chat to.

At that moment,though,she was unconscious. Thankfully I noticed she was about to pass out on time and caught her before she fell on the floor and hit her head.

Only..I had no idea  of what else to do.

-Oh my gosh..-Carolyn said-..the fellow died! What do we do now?

She was panicking. And so was Sara.

I too was worried but I tried to hold it together.

-Okay,Malini..think. -I thought- You're a doctor. You can do this. What would doctor Johnson do now?

-What do we do? -Carolyn again.

Her panicking high pitched tone was disturbing to me.

I had to do something. I swallowed,trying to gather my thoughts.

-Carolyn,go ask for help.-I said,calmly.

-To who? There's nobody here!

-A fellow,an older resident,whoever you can find. Run.

-I.,

-You can do it. Go.

She swallowed and then ran in the opposite direction.

I looked at Sara. She too seemed terrified.

-Okay..-I said- We need to carry her to a room so we can examine her. I'm gonna need your help.

She didn't say a word but went on and helped me.

Thankfully there was an empty room nearby.

-Now what? -she said,while frantically going through a pocket book- This book says nothing about what to do when the fellow you're under passes out!

The situation was critical but I was strangely calm.

-Suspected vasovagal syncope..-I said-..Raise her legs up to promote blood flow to the brain. I'll check her pulse and BP in the meanwhile.

Sara did as told.

-Low blood pressure..-I said-..she's probably dehydrated,hence she fainted.

We should order an EKG and a CBC and give her fluids.

-Shouldn't we check with someone first?

I slowly opened my eyes. I looked around and saw two of my interns hovering over me.

I then noticed I was laying in bed.

I had no idea of how I had gotten there. The last thing I remembered was feeling lightheaded,hot and nauseous.

-What.. -I whispered-..what happened?

-You're awake! Oh,thank God! -Sara,one of my interns squealed.

She seemed terrified.

-You passed out..-Malini,my other intern explained.

She,on the other hand,seemed calm.

-Oh..

That made perfect sense.

I was pretty sure I had passed out due to vomiting induced dehydration,nothing serious.

So I decided to transform my own feeling sick into a teaching moment for my interns.

-What would you do now? -I asked them- How would you manage this?

-We..uhm...-Sara turned red-..Carolyn..she went to ask for help.

-Calling out for help. -I repeated- Good.

I tried to sit up but my head started spinning again.

Malini gently grabbed my arm and helped me laying flat yet again.

-Easy. -she said- No rush.

-What would you do after that? -I went on,whispering.

-I took vital signs..-she offered-..BP was low.

-Well done. So?

-I think...

-You think? -I repeated- Go on,doctor Patel. I won't eat you.

I thought she maybe was embarrassed because I was her fellow,or scared to go wrong.

-Ok..-I looked at the both of them-..now I want you to pretend I'm not your fellow.

I'm just a random patient of yours.

I know nothing about medicine. I am just a patient you need to take care of.-I repressed a chuckle-Well..I do know you are pediatric residents and I'm not exactly a kid but..I've always said I'm a kid trapped inside a the body of a woman so..come on.

What would you do now,doctor Patel?

-I would order a CBC and an EKG...-she whispered.

-What? -I gave her a smile-Louder.

-I would order..

At that moment the door opened,showing a frantic intern,a nurse friend of mine and,much to my surprise,Mark.

He ran towards me,his face pale.

 -What happened,Lizzie? -he asked me-  The nurse..she told me you were sick.

-Nothing. -I tried to reassure him- I just passed out. I'm feeling a lot better now.

-Has anyone checked on you,yet? Did you hit your head? I..

It seemed like he was about to lose his mind.

-I am fine. - I told him- I promise. And..doctor Patel and doctor Evans here..they were just telling me about their treatment plan..

He looked at them then back at me.

-They were there when I passed out. They brought me here and called out for help. -I explained- So,doctor Patel..you were saying..

Mark looked at me again, as if I was crazy. Then he looked at my interns.

-Did she hit her head when she fainted? -he asked them,in a cold tone.

He always acted like that when he was worried or scared

-No..uhm..I meant no,sir.-Malini replied in a shaking voice- I..caught her before she hit the ground.

-Good. -he went on- You can leave the room now.  You deserved a coffee break.

They got out of the room without saying a word,followed by the nurse.

-You scared them,Mark. -I told him- And..why did you kick them out?

-They did their job.-he replied-Now..let me page someone to evaluate you..

-They were. -I noticed- And..I was trying to teach.

-Lizzie..

His tone softened,as he looked at me.

-...they're interns. I bet they are capable and I know you love teaching. But it's your health we're talking about. I would like someone more experienced to take care of you.

-I am fine. I'm just dehydrated.- I caressed his cheek- Seriously.

-I'll call someone..

-They can handle such a simple case. Please..they need to learn..

-Indeed. But they don't need to learn on you.

-We too were as inexperienced as them once. -I tried again -They will just tell me what they think and won't do anything harmful. Please..I trust them.

-Lizzie...

-I'll help them!

I gave him  puppy eyes.

He couldn't say no to that.

-No..not puppy eyes,please! You know I can't.. -he sighed loudly-...okay,they can try.

-Yay!

-But they can't use needles on you. No blood draws,no IVs. God only knows what they'd do with those.

-Becca will take care of that,don't worry.

-And..I will be here,watching them like a hawk.

-That's fine. I will tell them to ignore you.

We both laughed.

-I love you,Mark.

-You should...

He kissed me on my lips.

-You are stubborn..but I love you too.

-Come on..call them.

-What if they went to the cafeteria?

-If that's the case,I'll page them. Oh and please apologise for being a monster earlier.

-Me? A monster? -he looked at me-Watch what you say,woman.

-Or..

-I'll tickle you!

-No..you wouldn't.

-I totally would. Just wait until we get home!

He walked towards the door.

-I'll call the mini doctors. -he smiled at me- You rest.

I was standing outside the room where doctor Johnson was in.

Sara and Carolyn had gone to the cafeteria but I couldn't.

The trouble with me was I got attached to patients and wanted to know their all story from beginning to end.

At some point,doctor Freedman got out of the room and came towards me.

He,like all the other fellows beside doctor Johnson,made me feel uneasy and out of place.

I knew I was the problem and I had to get over this fear of people ahead of me in training. But still.

-Where are your friends? -he asked me.

-They..uhm..went to the cafeteria..uhm..sir.

-Page them,please.

I paged them,my heart beating.

-How is doctor Johnson doing?- I whispered.

He looked at me. I saw anger in his blue eyes. Or maybe it was worry?

-I don't know. -he said.

Did he just say he didn't know?

-Page your friends again.

I paged them again,praying they would get there soon.

After a few minutes,I saw Sara and Carolyn running with paper cups in their hands.

They stopped near me and looked at doctor Freedman.

-First of all..-he said,looking at us-..I want to apologise to you for being a jerk earlier.

I couldn't believe my ears. Had he just apologised? To us?

-And then..I want you to follow me.

-Follow you? -I said.

-Doctor Johnson wants you to evaluate her. -he sighed- Please do your best.

 She wanted us to evaluate her?

As I followed doctor Freedman into her room,I tried to calm down.

-You can do it.-I told myself-One step at a time.

Doctor Johnson was sitting in bed.

She gave us an encouraging smile as we got into the room.

Doctor Freedman sat by her side.

-Don't mess it up,please. -he told us again.

-Please,pretend he's not here. -she told us- He's just worried.  Pretend I'm a normal patient you need to evaluate,okay?

I swallowed.

-Who wants to start? -she asked us- Doctor Patel?

I stepped forward,trying to calm down.

I thought about what to do.

Since I had already taken vital signs,it seemed sensible I took a medical history before ordering anything.

-Have you ever passed out before?

-No.

-Have you ever suffered from low blood pressure before?

-No.

-Do you suffer from any chronic condition?

-No.

-Are you currently taking meds?

-No.

-Did you have any warning signs before passing out? Nausea? Feeling lightheaded?

-Yes. I actually had both.

That ruled out a cardiac related fainting episode. I would have ordered an EKG anyway though..as it was written on the guidelines.  At that moment I remembered the guidelines also said every childbearing age woman who presented with a syncope should have a pregnancy test done.

 I had to introduce the subject to her.

It was so embarrassing. She was my fellow after all.

But I had to do it.

I tried to pretend she was just a normal patient.

-You can ask other questions,if you need to. -her voice stopped my flow of thoughts-Go ahead.

I decided I would investigate gently and little by little.

-Uhm..how have you been feeling these past few days?

-Actually..I've been having episodes of nausea and vomiting. -she said.

-How long did they last?

-On and off for the past..uhm..2 months I think.

I tried to calm down. Pregnancy was a possibility.

-Have you taken any antiemetic to treat those?

- They don't work with me.

I tried not to turn red.

-She's not my fellow. -I told myself- She's not my fellow.

-Is there..is there any chance..you could be pregnant?

-Is there any chance you could be pregnant?

That question my intern asked me,out of protocol,felt to me like a cold shower.

I knew the guidelines said that every childbearing age woman who presented with a syncope should undergo a pregnancy test to rule out pregnancy and an EKG to rule out cardiogenic syncope.

I had been vomiting for quite some time after all..and I couldn't  remember when my last period was.

But Mark and I were on a break.

Besides,I couldn't be pregnant. Period.

-No.

I smiled at her.

-Now...what's the next step?

-I would order an EKG and a CBC. And fluids. Mmmm..

-What? Come on,spill -I said- I don't eat interns.

-I might.. -Mark echoed.

Malini turned red.

-Please ignore him. He likes kidding.

-Shall I also order a pregnancy test?-she babbled- I mean..that's what the guidelines say. It's not a dangerous procedure that will hurt the patient. I don't know..

-I...

-Do it. -Mark interrupted me-I mean it.

She looked at me,for approval.

I nodded,holding back a sigh.

-Well done,doctor Patel. -I praised her- You did a great job.

-Monkeys..now go order the tests. -Mark said -Come on,leave us alone.

They left the room,leaving me with Mark.

We stayed silent for a while.

-Why did you order the test?-I whispered at some point - I..didn't want it.

-It's what the guidelines say.

I looked at him.

-A guideline is just a recommendation...it's not something mandatory.

-It becomes so,if it's supported by clinical experience,medical history and symptoms.

-I don't have any symptoms.

He looked at me.

-Mmmm..have I gone mad or have you been vomiting a lot recently?

 I had. But the idea of being pregnant hadn't crossed my mind at all. Besides,we were on a break.

-It's a stomach bug. -I brushed it off.

-Then why didn't I have it?  Stomach bugs spread like crazy.

Right. It made sense. Beside the break. And  the fact that I couldn't be pregnant.

-We're on a break..

-We sure are,Rapunzel.

That name brought everything back to me.

My heart started beating faster.

I felt as if I had to throw up again.

-I...

-When was your last period?

I didn't remember. Since we were on a break,I hadn't paid attention to it.

-If I remember well,I haven't bought you chocolate in a while have I?

I felt tears in my eyes.

-I can't take another negative. -I whispered.

He held my hands.

-I know. -he smiled at me- Let's just be positive,okay?

Now..make me some space. I will hold you for a bit.

As soon as I found myself wrapped in his arms,I started crying.

Because it could actually be it.

And because it,once again,couldn't.

I had never been that thankful for a busy schedule.

Rounds with interns,lectures,patients.

Feeling sick earlier in the day had made me waste time..and I had had to make it up for it.

It was 9 pm and I was still at the hospital,savouring the first quiet moment since hours and munching on a RX bar.

After my IV came off,I hadn't stop for a second.

Because I had a ton of stuff to do.

And most importantly,because I didn't want to think about my blood test.

The lab was swamped..and of course,a CBC and a β hcg level fell pretty low on the priority list.

If I stopped working,I would have started to think about it and to stress myself over it.

I could be pregnant.

But I could also simply be suffering from food poisoning and having skipped my period due to stress.

I couldn't get excited before I had the test result in my hands.

I had some lab tech friends.

They told me they would page me as soon as the had the results.

A part of me wanted them to page me at that very moment.

Another wanted them to never do.

I finished my RX bar.

-Doctor Johnson..are you still here?

My intern,Malini,smiled at me.

-I had some catching up to do. -I replied- Thank you for your help earlier.

She smiled at me again.

-Why are you still here? - I asked her- Did you manage to grab a bite for dinner?

-I'm fine. -she assured me- Don't worry.

I looked at her. She looked exhausted.

-I want you  to remember something: your health is just as important as your patients'. And when I say health,I mean both mental and physical.

Take care of yourself first.

This is maybe the most important thing I can tell you and hope to teach you.

Please,remember of this.

-I will.

-Do you have a lot to do,still?

-No..just check on Noah.

-Good.  Go home and sleep after that.

At that moment my pager went off. The lab. My heart started beating faster.

-I would love to come and check on him myself but I have to go now. Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

** AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not a doctor yet,so please excuse any medical errors you might find in my scenes. 
The medical information is taken from the latest professional version of the "Merck Manual". 
If any of you readers is a doctor or medical student,please feel free to correct any mistakes you find..and let me know about the corrections. I love medicine and learning about it.
 Just don't be too mean,please...I'm not a doctor yet!

Also the title of this scene is part of the lyrics from a song called  "Celeste" by Laura Pausini,my very favourite Italian singer.
It can be translated as "And the I will be brave enough to wait for you a bit more".