Thursday, February 16, 2017

Arriverai senza nemmeno far rumore...*

We lived 10 minutes away from the Brigham but to me,that night,the ride home felt ages long.
The sealed envelope with the results was tucked into a pocket in my purse.
 When the lab tech handed it to me, I was torn.
A part of me wanted to tear it open right off the bandage.
The other was terrified of opening it.
I told Mark I had the results and we decided we would read them at home after dinner.
At that moment,I was in the kitchen.
I was chopping up veggies for Mark's salad while waiting for my oatmeal to cook up.
At some point,I felt Mark's arms wrapping around my waist.
-Your pjs are warmed up and ready for you.
-Thank you.
-Go up and change. I'll take care of dinner.
I turned around and found myself wrapped in his arms.
-Are you sure you want oatmeal for dinner?
-Yes. -I smiled- I'm not that hungry.
And I wasn't. I was too nervous to stomach oatmeal,go figure anything else.
He smiled back at me.

I was in the bathroom,staring at myself in the mirror.
It was crazy how many times I had done that as a teenager.
I would spend hours staring at my belly,hoping it would get more toned just by me staring at it.
My stomach area had always been what I had most trouble accepting.
I had always felt too fat..from the age of 10 to the age of 20,when I had started to eat healthy and work out.
At that moment though..I was staring at my stomach yes..but for the first time in 20 years,I was hoping to see I had gained weight.
I knew that,if I were pregnant at all,I was very early on.
I also knew some women didn't start showing up until they were 25 weeks along.
But still I was there,staring at my belly.
-Stop with this nonsense. -I told myself at some point-You're making it worse.
I put my pjs on,took off my make up and put my hair up.
I then walked to the kitchen.
Mark was waiting for me,his plate still empty.
-Here you are..
He told me while I sat at the table.
-You spent quite some time upstairs. -he looked at me- Are you okay?
-Yes. -I smiled- The bathroom was so warm I didn't wanna leave it.
-You tell me..that's why I am always running late in the morning.
I'll reheat your oatmeal.
-I can do it myself. -I said,getting up- Eat before your food freezes.
-Sit tight. -he insisted-Let me behave like the gentleman I am.
-Ahhh,you're impossible sometimes.-I smiled at him- You're lucky I love you.

I was shaking from top to toe and my heart was beating fast.
That's how I always felt before doing something  that scared me.
It wasn't pleasant. Not one bit.
Mark and I were in bed.
I was staring at the  white sealed envelope laying in my lap.
It was time. Finally.
I was anxious and terrified.
-Shall I open it?-Mark's voice.
I was so out that I couldn't even talk.
-I'm gonna open it,okay?
-No..-I suddenly said-..I open it. You read it.
He looked at me and smiled.
-Okay. Now?
I took a deep deep breath.
-What if it's negative? -I whispered.
-It just means we need to try again. Nothing more.
I once again took a deep breath,counted to three and finally ripped the envelope open.
A neatly folded sheet of paper landed in my lap.
Mark looked at me.
-As ready as I'll ever be,I guess.
-Either way..whatever it says,it's gonna be fine.
"If you say so.." I thought to myself while he unfolded the sheet.
My heart was beating like it was about to escape out of my chest.
I realised that,even though I had been suffering from anxiety my all life,I maybe had never felt that anxious.
Mark started reading through the results.
I felt like I had to throw up but I tried to ignore it.
-I'm about to pass out..-I thought-.. any minute.
I was so glad I was laying in bed already.
At some point,Mark put the sheet down.
Then he looked at me. I couldn't understand his expression.
He looked shocked,frozen.
I got worried.
No answer.
I got even more worried. look shocked..-I said,in a shaking voice-..please say something.
-I..I..- he started- I am just..
-You're just..what?
I was about to cry.
-I am just metabolise the fact that I am gonna be a dad soon!!
Now I was the frozen one. I couldn't understand anything.
Mark gave me a huge grin..his eyes sparkly.
He then squeezed me tightly.
- Whohoooho!  We're having a baby!  He kissed me on my lips.
- Oh,I love you so much!
I still couldn't understand anything. Was that really happening? Was it a dream?
Mark looked at me.
-Lizzie? -he said- Are you okay?
I couldn't talk.
-Lizzie..have you heard what I said?
His grin turned into a worried expression as he looked at me.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
-...please,say something. No rush.
I still didn't  believe it was true. I might have misheard or misunderstood his words.
-We're having a baby.
He gave me a smile.
-Aren't you happy about it?
There. He said it again.
He squeezed me even tighter,making it so I was resting my head on his chest. Something about hearing his heartbeat calmed me down.
-We..we're having a baby? - I finally managed to whisper.
-We are,Lizzie. -Mark replied,a smile in his voice- We are.
It was true. As soon as I realised that..tears started streaming down my cheeks.
Tears of happiness,relief and gratitude.
Mark started stroking my back gently.
-It's okay.
He kissed my forehead.
-It's okay.

*It means "You're gonna come without making any noise"
It's part of the lyrics from a song  called "Celeste"by Laura Pausini,my very favourite  Italian singer.

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