"According to my own clock": the idea behind it.
When I decided to relaunch my blog and make it so it would feature every aspect of my life,I thought a lot about what its new name should be.
The "perfect" name for it popped in my mind right away.
I would have called it " EMY DOES LIFE " exactly like my IG and Twitter handle.
It features my journey through life after all.
But still..even though it seemed perfect and fitting..there was something not quite alright about  it.
So..I kept thinking about possible names for a good hour or more..until I came across a quote on Instagram.

 It was full of truth and just reading it calms me down every time.
Here is what it says:

"I know people who graduated college at 21, and didn't get a salary job until they were 27. I know people who graduated at 25 and already had a salary job. I know people who have children and are single. I know people who are married and had to wait 8-10 years to be parents. I know people who are in a relationship and love someone else. I know people who love each other and aren't together. There are people waiting to love and be loved. My point is, everything in life happens according to our time, our clock. You may look at your friends and some may seem to be ahead or behind you, but they're not. They're living according to the pace of their clock, so be patient. You're not falling behind, it's just not your time." - Julissa Loaiza
Since not getting into med school and starting biotech 2 years ago..I've been feeling terribly behind,not just academically speaking(I am behind in that department,sadly) but generally speaking.

To this day I still don't have my driving license(I'm able to drive a normal car..it's a paperwork issue..it's as though they've never meet someone with CP wanting to learn how to drive! I feel like an alien or something!),I've never been in a relationship(not that I'm particularly worried about that. You can't force love. When it comes,it comes.),I've never had a part time job(I won a pretty big scholarship though and was able to buy my family presents with my very own money. That was exciting!)..nor have done anything "you're supposed to do" in your teens.
I spent my teenage years locked up in my bedroom studying because "if you do really well in school,then you have more chances of getting into med school" and because it was my duty and my job.
Then I burned out,didn't make it to Med School and got depressed..having missed out on so many things.

Now I'm in biotech..and even though I'm trying my best,most of my professors and classmates are awesome and I know I'm where I should be..I can't fall in love with it. I'm studying and trying but tiny things scare me and my GPA sucks.
Comparison is lurking more than ever and it still makes me feel like crap most of the time.

I  feel selfish and horrible because I still love medicine and I still want to be a doctor.
Some days I feel so positive and ready for med school,some days my goals seem far and unrealistic.
Some days I look at my shadow or at my walker and I get this urge to cry for hours.
Some days bad things  I've been told keep echoing in my head and drive me crazy.
Some days I loathe myself.
Some days,like today,I pray I manage to send a friend recordings via Dropbox because  "she's so perfect" and I don't want to see her unless it's strictly necessarily .
Some days I want to take my MCAT question bank off the shelf and do some practice questions but then I start feeling sad and let it go.
Same goes for my cheap blue stethoscope.
 Some days I get overwhelmed by stuff and school and the future.
Some days I hate medical students,just because I wanna be in their shoes.

"Look at x,she graduated at 21 and married at 30 and did this,this and this. She's awesome. There's NO WAY I will be able to do what she did in that time frame therefore I suck so bad".
Tears to follow.
Comparison can really ruin your life.

But..as the quote says..people are different and do things differently.
In different ways and taking their time.
According to their own clock.

That's what I'll try to do with my blog.
Documenting my journey through life.
According to my own clock.