From "This perfectly imperfect life"

 

Both Mark and I wanted kids. Many kids. In fact,he used to tell me he wanted us to have a football  team of our own..and I couldn't agree more. 

I loved kids. I was a pediatrician,after all.

We had been talking about having a family since getting engaged.

Then we decided to finish our fellowships, to get a house and get settled in,before tying the knot. 

So we graduated in May and got married in June..a month before my 30th birthday. 

Then,a couple of weeks after the wedding,we started TTC..because I had convinced myself I was getting old and my time was running low.

So we started trying. And trying. And trying again. With no luck.

As a doctor,I knew it could take time and that it was normal. 

However,the anxious side of me once again took over,forcing me to have several blood works done..to check on my hormones levels.

According to those and to my friend Laurie,an OB\GYN,everything was normal.

I hadn't checked the blood works myself. As soon as we  got the results and Laurie had told us everything was normal,Mark had hid all of them in his nightstand drawer..in order for me not to read them over and over and get stressed over them.

I sighed. I realised I wouldn't have got any sleep if I hadn't figured out why we were having issues.

-Stupid brain!- I thought- It never lets me sleep.

I then put my slippers on and slowly got up. I tiptoed to the other side of the room,opened Mark's drawer and got the sheets out..my heart beating so fast I thought it would escape out of my chest. Then I got out of the room and slowly did the stairs,holding the papers in my hands.  

Once I got downstairs,I went to the little library/office room we had in the house.

I loved that room. It was so cosy and homey to me.  

I turned on the light and I looked around.  I saw the two huge libraries against the walls,where Mark and I kept all our textbooks and various books,the wooden chair and the matching desk. 

The window from which we could sometimes see the sunset. 

The comfy looking couch in a corner..full of pillows. 

The little wooden  table right next to it,with a lamp on it.

The cream coloured moquette on the floors.

I loved that room. It was my favorite room in the house.

I took an endocrinology textbook and an OB/GYN textbook off of one of "my''  shelves from the nearest of the two libraries 

Then I sat on the couch,cuddled up into a fuzzy blanket. I switched the lamp on and I started going through my labs. 

Everything seemed normal to me. FSH,LH..everything. I opened the textbooks and I started reading through them to see if I was missing something.

I read through a chapter..then I went through my labs again.

Once again,everything was normal.

I sighed before coming back to the textbooks.

While reading,I realised I was cold and my eyes and my head were feeling heavy. A part of me wanted to get back to bed. But I couldn't stop reading. I had to figure out what our problem was.

I was so engrossed in reading that I jumped when I felt someone touching my shoulder. 

-Ssshhh,Lizzie. -Mark's voice- It's just me. 

I looked at him and I calmed down. My heart resumed its normal rhythm.

He sat near me and he put an arm around me.

-I'm sorry I scared you.- he told me.

-Don't worry. -I smiled- I was too engrossed in reading..I didn't hear you coming it. 

He glanced at my labs and at the textbook opened in my lap.

-You shouldn't be doing this,Lizzie.- he sighed- You really shouldn't.

-Go back to bed. -I told him sweetly -I'll join you as soon as I get this done.

-It's 4 in the morning...

-I have to keep reading..

-No,you don't.

I looked at him.

-I need to figure this out. -I said -Go back to bed.

-Lizzie..

-Why can't we have a baby? -I whispered,feeling my eyes filling with tears- Why..nothing happens? There must be something I'm missing..

I have to figure out why.. 

Tears started streaming down my cheeks.

-..I need to figure out why nothing happens. Please..let me do this..

He looked at me.

-Sweetheart..-he started -..These things might take some time..you know it. Laurie said it herself..

-It must be my fault...-I sobbed- I must be too old or something..

Mark made a shocked face.

-Old? You? -he held my hands- My great aunt Muriel is old,not you. You are 30,not 80,Lizzie. 

I couldn't stop sobbing.

Mark held me tight in his arms. 

-Ssssh,don't cry. -he whispered- Don't cry. We're gonna have our baby. We're gonna have many,many babies.

He kissed my forehead.

-I promise you.

We stayed silent,wrapped into each other arms, for a while. It felt so nice. I wanted it to never end.

I slowly stopped crying.

At some point,Mark broke the silence.

-Lizzie...

-Uhm..?

-OB/GYN has never been my favourite and I'm sure you know more about it than I do..

It seemed like he was struggling to find the words.

-Go ahead..-I encouraged him sweetly.

-I think we should take a break.-he said- Just for a month or two. I think it'd be good for us.

I was taken by surprise by what he had just said.

The idea of taking a break from trying had never crossed my mind.

I wanted kids. We wanted kids. 

I suddenly got scared.

-You no longer want kids?-I whispered.

He caressed my cheek.

-I want us to have a football team of our own. - he grinned at me- But I noticed this is taking a toll on the both of us..especially on you. 

He held me even tighter.

-I can see you are beyond stressed and very sad about this. -he paused- I think a small break would be good for us. I don't want you to be sad,Lizzie.

I was ,once again,taken aback by his words.

I didn't think he could notice how sick I really was about it. Plus,I was sorry about him being sad because of me. I suddenly felt guilty. 

I did want kids. I indeed did think I was running out of time,and that indeed scared me to death.

I thought about what Mark had just said.

Maybe a break was what was best for the both of us at that moment, especially for our mental well being.

He had specified it would have been a small break,after all.

-Okay. - I whispered - Okay.

He grinned at me.

-I love you. -I said -I'm so sorry you suffered because of me. 

I caressed his cheek.

-I love you,so much.

-I love you too,Lizzie.

I sneezed for 4 times in a row and started shivering. I realised my head was feeling heavy,my eyes were burning.

-Lizzie..are you okay?-Mark asked me in a concerned tone.

-Of course.

I sneezed another time. Mark kissed my forehead.

-You're warm.

-It's nothing. -I smiled- Don't worry. 

-You need to get back to bed.

He got up and he lifted me up like I had no weight. Then he started making his way to our bedroom. 

-Mark..I can walk.. -I protested- Put me down,please. 

-Sshhh. It's okay.

Once we got to our bedroom,he gently put me down on the bed and tucked me in.

Then he got into bed himself.

I rolled over.

-Goodnight,Mark. -I said.

-Goodnight,Lizzie.

A ray of light coming from the window woke me up. I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was 6 30 AM.

I had a terrible headache,it felt like I had an hammer stuck in my head.

My eyes were burning and feeling heavy.

I had terrible cramps and I was feeling queasy.  

Plus,I was cold,despite having cosy pjs on and laying under a ton of blankets.

 I needed to pee so I forced myself to get out of bed and I put my slippers on.

I slowly dragged myself to the bathroom.  

My head was feeling heavy and like it was on fire. My eyes were teary. 

I noticed I had got my period during the night.

Another period..another month of trying,another month without a baby.

I sighed,trying not to cry. I remembered about the decision Mark and I had taken hours earlier.

A break would definitely be good for us. Mark was right.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I did look as bad as I was feeling.

I was pale and I had dark circles under my eyes. 

I sighed. Then I took some Tylenol and the thermometer out of the medicine cabinet.  

I went downstairs to the kitchen. I wasn't  hungry,at all. 

But my throat was scratchy,so I decided to make myself a cup of tea. 

I filled my favourite mug with water and I popped it in the microwave.

Normally I would have used the kettle to warm up the water. 

But at that moment,I was so out I was sure I would have spilled boiling water on my hand causing myself a first degree burn. The microwave was easier and safer. 

My head was still pounding..rubbing  my temples wasn't helping.

When the microwave rang,I took out the mug and put a bag of raspberry & blueberry tea in it. 

I let it sit for a few minutes while I cut a lemon in half. I then squeezed the lemon in the tea and stirred in some sugar.

-I'm sure Nana is turning in her grave,right now.-I thought.

My Nana -my mum's mother- was Irish. She passed away before I was born so I had never met her. But I knew she drank gallons of tea and that she had it with milk,not lemon..much like my mother did. I,for one,had never liked tea much.

I took the mug and I headed to the living room. I laid on the couch, under a thick cosy blanket. 

I took a sip of tea and I felt its warmth spreading through my chest as I swallowed.

I then took my temperature.  102 F.

I rarely got the flu,but when I did..I never missed anything. Fever,cough,sore throat,nausea,stuffed nose..you name it.

I sighed. 

Thank God I wasn't on call that day and I could take it easy and sleep.

I swallowed a couple of Tylenols,followed by the last two sips of tea.

I put the mug down to the mahogany coffee table. 

Then I took another pillow and I punched it a bit to make it softer. I placed it under my head and I rolled over,hoping to fall asleep soon.

When I woke up,I saw Mark sitting on the couch across of me,reading the newspaper.

-Hey..- I said-..Good morning. 

He put the newspaper down and smiled at me. 

-Oh,look who's awake. 

He  then got up from the couch and came closer to me. 

I bent my legs to my chest,so that he could sit near me.

-Do you wanna sit? - I asked him.

-Of course. 

He sat near me and he held me. 

Then he tried to kiss me. I put my hand on my lips,in the attempt to stop him.

-You'll get the flu. -I whispered,sweetly- I don't want you to get sick. 

He smiled at me.

-I don't care about getting the flu..or anything else,really. -he told me- The only thing I care about is you and how much I love you,Lizzie.

-Mark.. -I tried again-.. you'll get sick. 

-Sshhh..it's alright.

He gently got closer to me and sweetly kissed me on my lips.

-Good morning,Lizzie.  

-Good morning to you.

Mark looked at me and pushed a lock of hair out of my face.

-How are you feeling,today? -he asked me- Any better?

I still was feeling queasy, but  I realised my headache and the cramps had got better and weren't as horrible as earlier. My eyes were still teary and burning,my nose was still blocked,my throat was still scratchy. I was still feeling exhausted and with no energy..but I was pretty sure the fever had gone down,at least a little bit.

-A bit better,I think. - I said- I think the fever has gone down.

He kissed my forehead.

-You're warm still. 

I sneezed.

-Bless you. -he handed me a tissue- Are you cold?

⁃ A bit. -I whispered.

He took another blanket and covered me with it.

-Now I'm gonna whip up some breakfast,ok? You sit tight.

-I'm not hungry... - I said-..I don't want to eat..

-You need to get some food in your stomach. 

He got up from the couch.

-I'll make some of your favourite tea.. And some toasted bread..

-With jam? -I asked.

-Apricot jam. How does that sound?

Although I was feeling terrible,I smiled.

Apricot jam was my favourite. 

Mark knew me so well..maybe even more than I did. I loved him so,so much.

 Ten minutes later,he came back to the living room,with a tray in his hands. 

He gently placed the tray on the coffee table near me. 

I changed position on the couch and he handed me my mug,filled with tea.

-Be careful..-he said-..it's hot.

-Thank you. -I whispered,as I took a sip of tea.

-You're welcome.

We both kept eating and drinking for a few minutes.

-So..what do you wanna do today? - Mark asked me at some point -Beside catching up on sleep?

-Uhm..sleep? 

I took yet another sip of tea.

-I don't know.. -I said- Watch TV?

Mark got up from the couch and took some DVDs from the library shelves. 

He then sat near me and grinned at me,

-ER marathon

- I love you.

I woke up and I looked around. I was laying on the couch,with a fuzzy blanket on. I grabbed my glasses from the coffee table and I put them on.

It was dark.

A nice fire was burning in the fireplace.

Mark was asleep on the other couch..the remote in his hand. 

The TV was on,the volume low. A movie I had already seen was on air.

I stretched and yawned. 

I then realised I was feeling a bit better than earlier in the day. 

Tylenol and sleep were working. 

I got up from the couch,took another fuzzy blanket and gently covered Mark with it.

He had taken care of me all morning,made me vegetable soup and cuddled with me on the couch as well..holding me tight.

He was so sweet and loving to me. 

I was so lucky and blessed  to have him as husband.
 I did the stairs,holding tight onto the rail.
I then stepped into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face..to freshen myself up.
I looked a bit better than I did in the morning. A bit more human and less zombie.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and I noticed I had missed a Skype call from Hannah.
Since it was from 10 minutes earlier,I decided to call her back.
She picked up after a few minutes and her face filled my screen.
She looked tired,but about 1000 times better than I did at that moment.
Pregnancy suited her.
-Hi, Hannah. -I whispered- How are you?
-No,how are you? -she got worried- No offence,but you look like crap.
-Thank you.. -I giggled- you're always so kind.
-No,I mean for real.- she paused-How are you? I don't know if it's the light or anything but you look scary.
-It's just a nasty cold. -I said- And I'm on my period.  I'll be alright.
-Oh,I'm sorry.
She walked into the living room and sat on the couch. She then took her shoes off and laid on it.
-How are you? -I asked her -How has your day been so far?
-Boring..normal. -she said- I've been working on a case all day long.
Then mum came by and we had a chat over a cup of tea.
-About what?
-Oh..nothing. Baby related things.
I have a headache now.
-Same.. -I whispered - Try to rub your temples with your fingers in circular motion. It should help.
-I'll have Andrew do that. Along with a nice feet rub. -she smiled weakly - Isn't that what husbands are for?
We both laughed.
-I want an aspirin..-she whined -And a glass of red wine.
-You can't have  any of the two,I'm afraid. -I smiled- but you can have chocolate. Chocolate helps with both your headache and your mood.
She lit up.
-right! -she took some chocolate truffles and shoved one in her mouth- oh..this is so good.
-Don't eat them all! -I warned her- A lot of sugar is not good for the baby.
-Oh,I won't. She's already hyper per se,I don't wanna think about what she'd do if I had loads of sweets.
I smiled.
-she's..hyper?
-Oh yes! -she sighed- She has been kicking the heck out of my ribs all day.
She took an hand to her belly.
-Andrew's voice calms her down. But he's not here now. She doesn't listen to me.
-Daddy's girl,uh?
-Very. -she giggled- Do you think you can talk to her?
-Me?
-You're great with kids. She'll listen to you. Please,Liz..
-I can try.
She got her iPad closer to her belly.
-Hi,baby...-I whispered -...it's aunt Liz.
I bet you're having so much fun in there,aren't you?
Can you please slow down a little bit? Come on,baby...your mummy is tired and needs some rest.
I bet you can resume playing later.
-I think that's working...-Hannah whispered- Keep talking.
-Mmmm..we're all so excited to meet you. I,for one,can't wait. I'm gonna teach you so many things. Mmmm..I'll braid your hair and read you stories and..
-She calmed down.
I smiled.
-Yay.
She got the iPad closer to her face.
-On Monday I have to undergo a test..
-What test?
-Something that has to do with glucose..I don't know..
-Oh..the glucose tolerance test!-I said- You're supposed to drink a sugary drink a
in order for the doctor to monitor your blood sugar and to see how your pancreas works during pregnancy.
-I have a feeling that sugary drink must taste awful..
-I myself have never had it..but I don't think it tastes that nice. I'm sorry.
-I hate tests. -she whined- And doctors. Well except you and aunt Amy.
-And what about me?
Mark stepped into the room and sat in bed near me. He kissed me on the cheek and I made it so he too could see Hannah.
-I don't hate you.
-Thank God. -he faked a relieved tone- I was starting to get worried.
-Ah ah ah. -she said- You're always so funny.
-How are you?  How is my niece doing?
-I'm fat,exhausted and my head is splitting. Your niece..well..she was kicking like crazy until 10 minutes ago. Then Liz worked her magic and got her to calm down.
She smiled at me.
-I don't know how she does it. She's amazing.
He wrapped his right arm around my shoulders and squeezed me tightly.
-She sure is. And I'm the luckiest man on the planet because she decided to marry me.
I blushed and I kissed him on his cheek.
-And you better treat her well,mister. -Hannah said- Otherwise I'm gonna seriously hurt you. It's my baby sister we're talking about.
Mark made a scared face.
-Calm down,mama bear. -he said- I would never hurt her.
-Don't worry Hannah.-I added- He's behaving.
-I hope so..for his own sake. -she pushed a lock of hair out of her face- Anyways..what did you have for dinner? The only thing I want right now is chocolate but I know I need to eat healthy. So.. do you two health nuts have any suggestions for me?
-We haven't had dinner yet, actually.-I said- We fell asleep after lunch and just woke up. I think I'm gonna make myself a smoothie and some hot lemon water..
-Same.-Mark added-Good idea,Lizzie.
I looked at him. While I loved having a huge filling healthy breakfast and then eat less as my day rolled around,he was a fan of nice filling healthy dinners and looked forward to those all day long.
-I'm not hungry but you can eat dinner..-I told him,sweetly-..don't worry about me. Do you want me to make something for you?
-No,Lizzie..don't you worry. A smoothie is perfectly fine.
-But you've barely eaten today..
-I had 2 bowls of vegetable soup and 3 pieces of cheesy garlic bread...you saw me eating those,remember?. I'm fine. Don't you worry.
-Okay..-I kissed him on his cheek once again-..and wives are supposed to make sure their husbands don't go hungry..
-And you sure do a great job at it.
-Shush you..-I gently elbowed him-...you're always way too kind. I love you.
-I love you too.
He got closer to me and he kissed me on my lips.
-Hem..hem..
Hannah's voice scared us both and we jumped up. I had forgotten of her,and apparently so had Mark.
-Sorry,Hannah..-I said-..I forgot you were there.
-Same.-echoed Mark.
-No worries. -she smiled at us both- You love each other a lot..it's good to see it.
Anyways..I think it's best if I leave you to your smoothies now.
Andrew should be back soon and I need to start making dinner. Can't let the poor guy go hungry,right?
-Right. -I said- mmm..you both like tacos a lot if I'm not mistaken..
-Yes. But don't say it again otherwise the baby will hear you and I will start craving them like crazy.
-What if I tell you that you can enjoy a good taco without all the fat and unhealthy stuff?
-I'll say I don't believe you.
-Well..I'll send you a recipe for a healthy taco salad that will knock your socks off. Make it tonight and then tell me what you think.
-Sold!
-Okay. I'll text you later.
-You better do it fast because I can't wait to try it.
-I will.
-Well..goodnight, then.
-Goodnight to all of you.-both Mark and I said.- Tell Andrew we say hi.
-I will.
She smiled and hung up.
I put the phone down on the night stand.
-I'll go make our smoothies,then.-I said- What do you want in yours?
-Stay there and rest. -he got up- I'll go take care of those.
He started making his way out of the room.
-You rest.
I looked at him in the eye.
He was so so sweet,always. I once again felt so blessed to have him beside me.
-Come here.-I said.
-Are you okay?
I smiled at him.
-Of course. Just come here.
He walked towards me.
I threw myself in his arms and gently kissed him on his lips,trying to gather all my love for him in the kiss.
As always,it felt amazing. Every time we kissed,or hug or touch..every time,I felt like I had finally found my place. After years of feeling wrong or not enough..when Mark was with me,I finally felt like I was where I was meant to be.  Every time we kissed,I felt goosebumps running through my spine..I felt free and I felt loved.At that moment,even my terrible headache and cramps seemed to subside. Once we stopped kissing,I smiled at Mark.
-What was this for? -he asked ,while still holding me.
-Do I need a reason to kiss you,love?
I replied,in a teasing tone,caressing his cheek.
He held me even tighter.
-Of course not.
-I love you.-I said- So much.
-Well then,I love you more.
I kissed his cheek.
-Impossible,Mark.
-Perfectly possible,Lizzie.
He kissed my forehead.
-The fever has gone down.-he said,sweetly- How is your headache?
-A bit better.
-Your throat is fine since you're back to talking a lot as per usual..-he teased me.
-Hey! -I protested - I don't talk a lot!
-Ohhh..believe me,you do sometimes.-he caressed my cheek-..and I love it.
-Do you?
-Oh,yes. -he smiled at me- Are your cramps any better? Do you need an heating pad or ibuprofen..or..do you want me to make you some tea?
 A  male neurosurgeon worrying about period cramps..it was almost hilarious. Mark was so sweet. He understood me perfectly,maybe even more than I did.
-They're less horrible than earlier this morning.  And,no, I'm fine,thank you.
I just..wanna go back downstairs and wrap up in a blanket in front of the fireplace. And..can you hold me,please?
-That's what I am here for.
I smiled.
-Go downstairs and lay down. I'll bring you your smoothie,okay?
I nodded and we both went downstairs.
I laid down on the couch and wrapped into a blanket.
-What do you want in your smoothie? -Mark asked me.
-Mmmmm..I'd say banana and berries.
-On its way,love.
-Thank you.-I smiled at him- Shall I put a movie on?
-Go ahead.
He went to the kitchen and I heard him open the fridge and take the BlendTec off the shelf.
-What do you wanna watch?-I asked.
-How does Harry Potter sound?
-Amazing.
I put "Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone" on and waited for it to start.
I couldn't wait for Mark to come and cuddle with me.
To my dismay,as the day had rolled around,I had started feeling sadder and sadder...due to a mix of being sick and of the decision Mark and I had taken.
The familiar feeling of falling apart in a million pieces was back.
I desperately needed Mark to hug me tightly to glue the pieces back together.
He was just..so good to me. He knew about my anxiety and my history of depression. He took care of me and would support me every day..every time I needed him to,without me asking.
-Here is your smoothie,Lizzie.
Mark handed me a tall glass filled with a thick delicious looking berry banana smoothie.  It was purple and super thick I actually couldn't wait to drink it.
-Thank you,Mark.-I whispered.
He looked at me.
-What's wrong,sweetie? Do you want some more Tylenol or a..
He seemed so worried. I felt horrible for making him worry that way.
-I'm fine. -I tried to smile- Just..hug me,please.
I took a sip of smoothie. Even though I was feeling horrible,it tasted so good.
-This smoothie is delicious..
He hugged me tightly,wrapping me in his arms. He kissed my forehead.
-What's bugging you,Lizzie?
-It's nothing..
-You can't lie,Lizzie. You really can't.
-Don't worry about it.-I caressed his cheek- I'm doing better now.
-You're sad about the baby thing,right?
I found myself nodding and hated myself two seconds after I did so. I knew Mark felt bad about it too..I shouldn't have reminded him of it.
-I'm sorry,Mark..-I said-..just forget about it. Let's watch the movie.
He looked at me.
-You said you were okay with taking a break..
-And I am!- I assured him- I am!
-What's the problem,then?
-Just anxiety and my monster acting up..
I..we..
I bit my tongue.
-We what?
-Never mind...
I took the remote and pressed play. I started watching the movie.
-We shouldn't have got married because you think you're horrible and that I don't deserve the punishment of having you as a wife?
I froze. How did he know?
-How close?
-Very..
 My voice was  shaking. I felt like I was about to cry.
-Look at me.
I kept watching the movie,trying not to cry.
-Look at me,Lizzie. Please.
I  gently turned my face towards him. I had tears in my eyes.
-Do you remember what I told you at Christine and Thomas' wedding rehearsal?
How could I not remember about it?
It had been so amazing..Mark had been so sweet.
-When two people marry they swear they're gonna love each other forever..in sickness and  in health,through joy and sorrow..every day of their lives.
-Correct.
A tear streamed on my cheek. Mark stopped it with his finger.
-And then?
-You said..you didn't mind about my anxiety and history of depression and that you would have been my knight in the shining whatever..-I giggled through the tears-..and would have protected me from depression if it came back. You said you loved me for how I was and that you wouldn't have wanted me to be any different. You said..I was so strong and that you were proud of me. You said..you loved me to the moon and back,depressed or not.
And then you re-proposed.
-Correct.Thank God you said yes and we got married in the end. Plan B included gluing the ring to your finger.
I smiled.
-A giggle and a smile..wow! -he joked-..looks like the evil monster is losing the battle. May she always lose.
I kissed him on his cheek.
-I..
-Don't be sorry.-Mark put a finger against my lips- That evil monster should be sorry,not you.
Listen up. You are...
-I am?
-Beautiful..
He kissed my forehead..
-...smart...
He kissed my right cheek.
-..sweet..
He kissed my other cheek.
-..strong..
He kissed the tip of my nose.
-...and I love you to the moon and back.
He kissed me on my lips.
-Come on..let's watch the movie,shall we?
-Can you hold me?
-Come here.
I placed my head on his chest and he wrapped me in his arms. It felt amazing. I wanted it to never end.
-Thanks for being my knight in the shining whatever.
-It's my job. I will always be one..for both you and our football team.
Our football team. I smiled.
-No evil monster is gonna bother you under my watch. And no guy is gonna get close to our daughter before she's in her late 20s for that matter.
Our daughter. My smile got wider.
-We're gonna have  a daughter?-I asked him,holding back a giggle.
-Oh yes. -he caressed my cheek-..and she's gonna be as beautiful as you.
And our son..he's gonna protect her.
-We're gonna have a son as well?'
-Of course. I need someone to take to football matches and to teach stuff to.
-I love you.