Horrible thoughts were piling up like domino and my evil monster was torturing me..leading to self loathing. 

I should have been used to it,since it had been happening to me since I was in my teens..but every time..it was horrible. I wanted to cry to let it all out..but I couldn't.

Plus..I didn't want to wake up Andie.

She had enough patients to deal with at the hospital..she didn't need me as well.

I turned my lamp on and looked at my nightstand. 

There it was. 

A blue velvet case,housing a beautiful engagement ring with a diamond in the centre and two smaller ones at the sides of it.

Mark told me it was his mother's. 

A few hours earlier he had proposed and I had said yes.

I was so happy I had burst into tears. 

He had proposed to me. To me!

I..had never thought it would happen.  

As soon as he dropped me home,though..it had dawned on me that marrying him meant spending the rest on our lives together. 

I,for one,couldn't wait. But what about him?

I was sure had thought it through before making such a big step. 

He knew about my anxiety and depression. 

He knew I wasn't on any meds anymore but I had gone counselling years earlier..I had undergone CBT.

As a doctor,he knew anxiety was still there and the evil monster of depression was sleeping and could wake up again.

I sighed.

In the  4 years we had been together,I had had a few anxiety attacks while with him and he had helped me through them. 

He would hug me tight when I needed him to,without me asking. 

He would tell me everything would be okay and that I was amazing.

He was always so sweet.

But..was it right to get him into years of him fixing me or hugging me or helping me against my evil monster?

I felt tears rolling on my cheeks ,as I got up and sat at my desk.

I took a sheet of paper and a pen and wrote a message..tears staining the sheet.

When I got to the hospital,the next morning,I went straight to the hem floor . I had to start work at 10,and it was 7. I was feeling so down that I needed some time with kids. 

One good thing of being a fellow was that I had more flexible hours then I did as a resident.

I loved the hospital. It was so colourful and bright..everywhere. It didn't even seem like a hospital. It had been my second home for 5 years.

I changed out of my regular clothes and into my scrubs. 

I was wandering around the floor when I heard some crying coming from a room. 

I got closer and I peeked inside. 

A little girl with black curls  was laying in bed,clutching her stuffed doll to her chest. There was nobody else in the room with her..or at least..that's what I could see from where I was. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

I stepped in, slowly... in order not to scare her.

She looked at me,her big chocolate brown eyes filled with fear.  I grinned at her,in the attempt of calming her down.

-Who are you? -she asked,holding her doll even tighter -Do you want to take my blood like the other people who came earlier?

 I got closer to her.

-My name is Liz and I am a doctor. -I said,with a smile -And no,don't worry. I won't hurt you.

She still seemed scared but she stopped crying.

-Why are you here? 

-I heard you crying so I came in to see if I could help you. 

I got closer to her bed.

-I am a pediatrician. -I went on- I work here.

She scrunched her nose and face up. She was so cute. 

Gosh,I loved my job so much. Not even an hour in..and I was already feeling a lot better.

Medicine and being around kids were good for my soul,and for both my mental and physical health.

Of course..it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.

As a paediatric hem/onc fellow,I had gone through rotations on the oncology service,and I had taken care of kids with both blood cancers and solid tumours.

It had been hard. So hard. 

I had hated seeing them suffer but,at the same time,I had been so incredibly amazed by their attitude and strength. 

-What's a pandatrician? -she asked,her eyes now sparkly and filled with curiosity.

I held back a giggle. Pandatrician.

She was so cute and so smart.

-A paediatrician..-I started explaining- ..is a doctor for kids like you.

-Ooooh..cool!

She finally grinned at me.

At that moment my pager went off. I checked it. 

It was Mark,asking if we could meet at the hospital entrance,stat. 

He had probably got my message. 

My heart started racing. I was sure he was mad and wanted to break up.

I excused myself and got out of the room,my heart racing even faster.

I got in the elevator,shaking from top to toe. 

I was so scared I could barely stand straight.

I got out of the building,and I saw Mark,standing outside of his car.

He didn't look as mad as I thought he would.

I got closer to him.

-Hi.. -I whispered,feeling like I was about to cry.

-Good morning.

He looked at me. He didn't smile.

I felt as if all the blood was draining away from my body.

I started getting cold and to feel faint. 

I wanted to hold onto him,apologise and tell him how much I loved him..but I didn't dare.

-Change out of your scrubs. -he went on- We need to go somewhere.

I felt like I had to throw up. I couldn't understand what I was told.

-I'll wait here. -he gave me a weak smile-Come on."