PART 1
We lived 10 minutes away from the Brigham but to me,that night,the ride home felt ages long.
We lived 10 minutes away from the Brigham but to me,that night,the ride home felt ages long.
The sealed envelope with the results was tucked into a pocket in my purse.
When the lab tech handed it to me, I was torn.
A part of me wanted to tear it open right away..rip off the bandage.
The other was terrified of opening it.
I told Mark I had the results and we decided we would read them at home after dinner.
At that moment,I was in the kitchen.
I was chopping up veggies for Mark's salad while waiting for my oatmeal to cook up.
At some point,I felt Mark's arms wrapping around my waist.
-Your pjs are warmed up and ready for you.
-Thank you.
-Go up and change. I'll take care of dinner.
I turned around and found myself wrapped in his arms.
-Are you sure you want oatmeal for dinner?
-Yes. -I smiled- I'm not that hungry.
And I wasn't. I was too nervous to stomach oatmeal,go figure anything else.
He smiled back at me.
I was in the bathroom,staring at myself in the mirror.
It was crazy how many times I had done that as a teenager.
I would spend hours staring at my belly,hoping it would get more toned just by me staring at it.
My stomach area had always been what I had most trouble accepting.
I had always felt too fat..from the age of 10 to the age of 20,when I had started to eat healthy and work out.
At that moment though..I was staring at my stomach yes..but for the first time in 20 years,I was hoping to see I had gained weight.
I knew that,if I were pregnant at all,I was very early on.
I also knew some women didn't start showing up until they were 25 weeks along.
But still I was there,staring at my belly.
-Stop with this nonsense. -I told myself at some point-You're making it worse.
I put my pjs on,took off my make up and put my hair up.
I then walked to the kitchen.
Mark was waiting for me,his plate still empty.
-Here you are..
He told me while I sat at the table.
-You spent quite some time upstairs. -he looked at me- Are you okay?
-Yes. -I smiled- The bathroom was so warm I didn't wanna leave it.
-You tell me..that's why I am always running late in the morning.
I'll reheat your oatmeal.
-I can do it myself. -I said,getting up- Eat before your food freezes.
-Sit tight. -he insisted-Let me behave like the gentleman I am.
-Ahhh,you're impossible sometimes.-I smiled at him- You're lucky I love you.
I was shaking from top to toe and my heart was beating fast.
That's how I always felt before doing something that scared me.
It wasn't pleasant. Not one bit.
Mark and I were in bed.
I was staring at the white sealed envelope laying in my lap.
It was time. Finally.
I was anxious and terrified.
-Shall I open it?-Mark's voice.
I was so out that I couldn't even talk.
-I'm gonna open it,okay?
-No..-I suddenly said-..I open it. You read it.
He looked at me and smiled.
-Okay. Now?
I took a deep deep breath.
-What if it's negative? -I whispered.
-It just means we need to try again. Nothing more.
I once again took a deep breath,counted to three and finally ripped the envelope open.
A neatly folded sheet of paper landed in my lap.
Mark looked at me.
-Ready?
-As ready as I'll ever be,I guess.
-Either way..whatever it says,it's gonna be fine.
"If you say so.." I thought to myself while he unfolded the sheet.
My heart was beating like it was about to escape out of my chest.
I realised that,even though I had been suffering from anxiety my all life,I maybe had never felt that anxious.
Mark started reading through the results.
I felt like I had to throw up but I tried to ignore it.
-I'm about to pass out..-I thought-.. any minute.
I was so glad I was laying in bed already.
At some point,Mark put the sheet down.
Then he looked at me. I couldn't understand his expression.
He looked shocked,frozen.
I got worried.
-Then?
No answer.
I got even more worried.
-Mark..you look shocked..-I said,in a shaking voice-..please say something.
-I..I..- he started- I am just..
-You're just..what?
I was about to cry.
-I am just trying..to metabolise the fact that I am gonna be a dad soon!!
Now I was the frozen one. I couldn't understand anything.
Mark gave me a huge grin..his eyes sparkly.
He then squeezed me tightly.
- Whohoooho! We're having a baby! He kissed me on my lips.
- Oh,I love you so much!
I still couldn't understand anything. Was that really happening? Was it a dream?
Mark looked at me.
-Lizzie? -he said- Are you okay?
I couldn't talk.
-Lizzie..have you heard what I said?
His grin turned into a worried expression as he looked at me.
-Sweetheart..
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
-...please,say something. No rush.
I still didn't believe it was true. I might have misheard or misunderstood his words.
-We're having a baby.
He gave me a smile.
-Aren't you happy about it?
There. He said it again.
He squeezed me even tighter,making it so I was resting my head on his chest. Something about hearing his heartbeat calmed me down.
-We..we're having a baby? - I finally managed to whisper.
-We are,Lizzie. -Mark replied,a smile in his voice- We are.
It was true. As soon as I realised that..tears started streaming down my cheeks.
Tears of happiness,relief and gratitude.
Mark started stroking my back gently.
-It's okay.
He kissed my forehead.
-It's okay.
*It means "You're gonna come without making any noise".
It's part of the lyrics from a song called "Celeste"by Laura Pausini,my very favourite Italian singer.
