CP + MH
I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy(Spastic Diplegia) when I was 2 years old.
For those of you who are not familiar with it,cerebral palsy is a chronic condition( non progressive nor contagious) which causes a person to have difficulties with both gross and fine motor skills.
It's caused by a lack of oxygen to the developing brain.
That means it's very common in premature babies(like me, a 27 weeker) who have trouble breathing due to their underdeveloped lungs.
But,sadly,CP can also affect babies who are born at term but suffer from hypoxia during delivery( e.g. when the oxygen supply to the baby is cut off due to a knot in the umbilical cord) or even after delivery( perinatal period).
There are different kinds of CP,listed according to their severity,to the area of the brain affected by the lack of oxygen and to the different symptoms they cause.
I myself have a relatively mild form of CP, called spastic diplegia.
"Spastic" means that my muscles are always tense.
"Diplegia" means that it affects mostly my legs.
It causes me to fall often,to get tired easily and to walk moving my shoulders back and forth,kinda like you would if you were drunk.
For years,I felt different and a burden because of my CP.
You see, I'm perfectly fine with walking around unassisted when indoors(e.g. my house).
But once I get outside,I need someone to hold my hand and help me out.
For years I felt like a burden and a bother to people because I needed help whenever I went to school trips( the few I went to. I missed many,in order not to bother my classmates and teachers).
It was horrible.
But,3 years ago, a blessing came into my life in the form of my awesome walker,Tore.
I love it SO much.
I feel unstoppable with it.
I can walk miles without getting tired( my long walks from this summer are proof of that!) and I don't have to worry about carrying my bag nor ask for a chair when I get tired.
Honestly I have no idea how I managed to live without it for 19 years.
Three years ago something else came into my life.
And unfortunately it wasn't as pleasant as my walker.
After life didn't "go according to plan"and after burning out I got depressed.
I was supposed to review for my big end of high school exam but the only thing I wanted to do,much to my horror, was lay in bed and cry.
Honestly I don't know HOW I managed to score as high as I have on my exam..since my review plan basically flew out of the window.
It was so weird and scary to me...not being interested in what was supposed to me by first big academic target.
School had always been my number one focus. It even came before my health( which is SO wrong. Your mental and physical health should always come first).
Writing was my only outlet and I was good like that.
But when I found myself trying to juggle a full course load with med school prep(making it so I had only like 2 hours to relax per week,if I did)...it was just too much.
I managed to keep my high GPA but I didn't get into med school.
Because I was tired,yes. But also-and mostly- because I didn't give it my best shot.
I was already depressed then. Only,I didn't know it was depression.
You see..I've wanted to become a doctor for a long time now.
Medicine fascinates me,it always has.
And I like being around people and learning from them and helping them.
Unfortunately in my country we're not allowed to shadow. If we were,I would do it right away!
Volunteering is also very difficult.
But,as soon as I catch up on school and take my driving license,I plan on applying for a volunteering position at my local hospital. I would volunteer on the pediatric hem/onc floor..I can't wait.
I..I've somehow always felt like medicine was my place.
Maybe it's because I spent quite some time in the NICU as a baby.
Maybe it's because I spent part of my childhood visiting hospitals and doctors.
Maybe it's because it seems to run in my family.
I just feel like I wouldn't feel fulfilled in any other field or profession.
But...as I said before CP has had quite a bad influence on my self esteem,since I was old enough to realise I was "different".
People have never bullied me,at least not physically.
They have made me feel like a burden and a bother..they have used me and abandoned me.
CP has made me feel less than other people.
Plus,in order to go to med school,I need to move away from home and,when I applied the first time,I didn't have my walker yet,nor could take care of myself.
That,combined with the usual "you can't" that has somehow always come to my mind whenever I thought of becoming a doctor(and with the fact that the admission process in my country sucks)..has prevented me from trying my best.
And now..everyday,I'm paying for it.
I'm in a biotech program at my local university and even though it is everything anyone could possibly want from a program..it's not medicine.
It's not my place.
Whenever I hear the word biotech,I can really feel my heart breaking.
In the lab I get frustrated and bored.
I have a professor who's a practicing oncologist and I would like to ask him every medical related question in the world but I can't because "nobody but you cares".
My plan for this year is to enjoy school as much as I can,study as hard as I can and make the best grades I can.
If done well,even if I hate it,biotech can help me in the future.
It's my place now..but it sure is not my final destination.
Depression( I'll refer to it as Evie on here),CP and anxiety are tough to live with.
But I have them,they sure don't have me.
