ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...: January 2017

About "embracing the glorious mess that you are.."

12:35 AM

It's okay not to be perfect.

Just do your best each and every day.

Now..I'll tell you something really silly.

As many of you know,I love writing and I've been writing about my protagonist(Liz)for almost 10 years now(jeez..I'm old!!). When I first created her I made it so she was everything I wanted to be in life when I was older. And I don't mean "just" a doctor,a wife and a mum.

Way more than that.

I made her kind,sweet,soft-spoken,relatively fit,good with people and kids,relatively pretty.

To the 12 year old me she was "perfect" and represented my "goal" to reach in life.

She still does.

But..as I grew up and she grew up and developed with me,despite still representing my goals,she stopped being "perfect". In fact,without noticing,I started making it so she was more similar to a real person(maybe that person was me..whoops)rather than the result of my life goals mixed together into a character.

She started having flaws and imperfections. She started struggling.

She started getting mad from time to time and losing her mind.

She struggled in school and believed she wasn't enough to become a doctor.

To my dismay,she too started struggling with mental illness(depression and anxiety.)..so that I myself could cope with my own.

She became a real person.

I ditched the "perfect" idea I had of her and made it so she embraced "the glorious mess that she was"...and to be honest,that's helping me to do the same with myself.

my stories

E poi avrò il coraggio di aspettarti ancora un po'... **

10:32 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCEbg-ARMw4

From "This perfectly imperfect life"

It was late afternoon,the sun was setting. I had just got back from work and checked the crockpot,where a comforting mushroom soup was slowly simmering,for us to have for dinner later. It smelled delicious and I couldn't wait to try it.

An old grey's anatomy episode was on tv,the volume low. I was in the living room, sitting comfortably

on the couch. Well..as comfortably as possible for being heavily pregnant.

I was folding baby clothes,and,to be completely honest,I was enjoying it a bit. I

Normally I hated folding laundry. But..seeing all of those onesies, bibs,tiny shirts and tiny clothes filled my heart with joy.

I picked up a onesie to fold it and put it on top of the others.

It said "Daddy's little girl" on the front,in teal glittery italic and had tiny flowers printed all over the white fabric.

I felt tears gathering in the corner of my eyes.

I still couldn't believe I was having a girl. I had been dreaming about it since I was a teenager and finally..it was happening.

I took one hand to my belly and,right at that moment,the baby kicked. I loved feeling her moving.

-Hi,sweetie.-I said,with a smile in my voice- Mummy loves you so much. We all are so unbelievably excited to meet you...

-Lizzie..we're home. Wake up.

Mark's voice woke me up. I looked around,confused. I was in the car,on the passenger seat,with my seat belt on. And to my disappoint,I saw I wasn't pregnant.

It was a dream. I must had fallen asleep during the car ride home.

I held back a sigh when I remembered we had been on a break from TTC for a month. I knew it was what we needed,for the sake of our mental health.

But still..sometimes every day of not trying seemed like a waste of precious limited time to me.

I wanted a family of my own so bad.

-Lizzie?-Mark's voice- You okay?

I nodded. I grabbed my purse and hopped out of the car,still half asleep.

Mark lead me to the front door and opened it.

The smell of candles mixed to mushroom soup simmering in the slow cooker,filled my nostrils.

I loved the hospital and my job more than anything but I was so happy to finally be home.

I took off my coat and scarf and hung them into place.

Then I sank on the couch. Mark did the same.

-Ahh,it feels so good to be home. -I said- Doesn't it?

-You bet.

He smiled at me.

-And being out of that ridiculously looking prince costume feels even better.

-It isn't ridiculous!-I protested- And besides,Flynn isn't a prince!

I playfully elbowed him.

-Did you even watch the movie?

-You know I'm doing this just because I love you,right?

He looked at me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

-I know.-I said-The kids..if the show goes well,they're gonna be so happy.

Thank you so much for doing this with me.

I smiled widely at him.

-I'd do anything for that smile,my sweet Rapunzel.

I kissed him on the cheek and then got up from the couch.

-Where are you going? Come back here!

-I gotta check on dinner and put something comfy on. I'll be back soon. I don't need saving ,my Prince.

I held back a giggle while heading to the kitchen.

The smell of mushroom and rosemary filled my nostrils.

I couldn't wait to eat dinner.

While I was checking the soup,I felt Mark's arms wrapping around me.

He smelled like mint and firewood. He must had started the fire,in the fireplace in the living room.

He wrapped me even tighter.

Then he started kissing my neck.

It felt good. So good.

-Were you missing me that bad that you had to come here?-I joked.

-I can't be without you. -he replied- You know that.

He kept kissing my neck.

I was starting to feel goosebumps running through my spine.

At some point ,he lightly moved my sweater's sleeve,exposed my left shoulder and gently kissed it.

He did the same with my right.

I wanted to give in..at least a part of me did.

The other part of me,on the other hand,thought about our break from TTC.

I couldn't face yet another failure,even though being on a break was making me crazy.

I turned off the slow cooker,holding back a sigh.

Mark was still holding me.

I turned around and found myself wrapped in his arms.

-You looked beautiful in that princess costume.

He pushed a lock of hair out of my face.

I ran my hand through his curls and caressed his cheek,still soft and smooth from when he shaved that morning.

My heart was telling me to kiss him and let myself go.

My mind,on the other hand,once again quickly raced to all the failures,negative pregnancy tests and tears I had shed.

I felt tears in my eyes.

I broke the hug and walked away from Mark.

-Lizzie..-he whispered,sweetly.

He got closer to me but didn't touch me.

-What's wrong?

I looked at the tiles in front of me,as if looking straight into a random object would prevent me from bursting into tears.

-I..can't.-I whispered-..I can't.

-We were just holding each other.

-I can't do it.-I said- I can't face another failure..

-I know,baby. I know.

I felt pain and sadness in his voice. Sometimes I got so wrapped up into my own sadness and depressive thoughts that I forgot he too was suffering because of us not being able to have a family.

I blamed myself for that

But at that moment,I realised Mark did the same with himself.

He too was suffering.

I thought about it.

We were on a break and he knew that I couldn't face another failure.

But,at the same time,I realised something. At that moment, I really wanted to feel his arms around me,his gentle touch,his soft lips on my skin.

I wanted to feel his sweet smell,his warmth.

I realised I was longing for it..for him.

-Shut up,brain.-I told myself,as I wiped my tears away with a paper towel.

I walked towards Mark and I held him tightly. I gently caressed his cheek.

-I love you.

I caressed his other cheek and then I gently kissed him on his lips.

He immediately started kissing me back.

It felt so amazing.

I felt my muscles starting to relax,and with them my whole body and mind.

My hands started to gently run on his face,then on his neck.

It felt like they had their own life..I was no longer in control of them.

At the same time,Mark caressed my cheeks,my neck. My shoulders... my back.

His hands also seemed to have acquired a life of their own.

At every touch,I felt more relaxed.

I kissed him again,while his hands started making their way under my sweater.

His warm hands on my skin felt so good. While still kissing him,I started unbuttoning his shirt.

I let my hands run through his chest and explore every inch of his skin,as if it was the first time I was doing so.

-Shall we go upstairs?-I whispered in his ear.

-As you wish,my princess.

He swept me off of my feet and we started making our way to our bedroom.

I woke up to a pale ray of light coming through the blinds.

I saw Mark laying next to me,watching me.

-Good morning,Mark- I told him,with a smile- Were you watching me sleep?

-Good morning,Lizzie.- he said- Mmm..what do you think?

I smiled at him.

-How are you?

-I'm good. -he said- How about you?

I yawned and gently stretched.

-I'm good.-I smiled- I didn't get any sleep..

-Neither did I.

He grinned and he started playing with my hair.

We then shared a kiss.

-But it's fine- I whispered to him with a smile- it was amazing.

-It really was.

-What time is it?-I asked him-Do you think you could stay here a bit longer?

-Why couldn't I,Lizzie?

-Your shift..

He suddenly turned white.

-Oh..crap.

-Did you forget about it?

He nodded,while he started to get up.

-My first surgery is in 30 minutes.

-Okay. You can do it. -I told him,sweetly- Here it's what we're gonna do: you go shower.

It's only 6 am and it's gloomy outside. You shouldn't find any traffic.

I'll make you coffee and whip up some breakfast in the meanwhile,okay?

He got up and ran to the bathroom,stopping to kiss me on my lips.

-What did I do to deserve such a perfect wife?

-Ooh,you! -I joked- Always far too kind. In the shower,quick!

-Yes,ma'am.

Once he was gone,I got up and wrapped myself up in a long cardigan.

Then I put my glasses on and started making my way downstairs to the kitchen.

I immediately saw the slow cooker sitting near the stove top and realised Mark and I had forgotten to eat dinner the day before.

Thankfully,the soup could sit at room temperature.

I took Mark's favourite mug and started the Keurig.

I then poured the soup into a big Tupperware and popped it in the fridge.

I couldn't wait to have some for lunch with some whole wheat croutons on the side.

Starting that day,I was on nights all week so I didn't have to be at work until 6 pm.

In a perfect world,I should have used that time to rest and recharge before my shift.

But I had to clean the house,go grocery shopping,work out,meal prep and do some pre shift reading.

I was determined to squeeze in some self care in as well though..most likely in the form of taking a nap and a long shower or taking my time to cook Mark a special dinner for when he came back from his shift.

As someone who had been dealing with depression since early adolescence and a physician,I was aware of the incredible value of self care and I tried my best to find time for it every day.

No matter if it was 5 minutes or 5 hours..as long as I did manage to do something for myself.

I took coconut sugar and almond milk out of the cabinet,to put into Mark's coffee as soon as it was done brewing.

-Mmmm..breakfast...-I thought -..what should we have for breakfast?

I opened the fridge in the hopes of finding inspiration.

When nothing came to my mind,I opened the freezer.

I saw a ziplock bag of frozen waffles I had made a few days before,half a bag of frozen blueberries and some frozen spinach to use up.

I grabbed all three things,plus liquid egg whites and a couple of cherry tomatoes.

Since Mark didn't tell me if he was craving sweet or savoury for breakfast I decided to make both.

So I popped a couple of waffles in the toaster,while I heated up some olive oil in a pan.

At the same time I put a couple of handfuls of frozen blueberries,some lemon juice and coconut sugar in a saucepan for them to cook down and make a blueberry compote to spoon over the waffles.

While cooking,I started humming a song to myself.

I hadn't done that in a while. I realised I was happy that morning while hoping depression wouldn't spoil it later in the day.

I gave the egg whites,tomato and spinach a toss,seasoned them with salt and pepper, and checked the Keurig.

I then took two identical plates and laid them on the table

-Mmmm..-I said-..there's something missing here.

I suddenly had an idea.

I took hot sauce out of the fridge and sketched a heart on the side of one of the plates.

I then grabbed some already washed blackberries.

Meal prepping was such a life saver.

I had started doing that in college as part of my goal of becoming the healthiest version of myself.

And I hadn't looked back ever since.

I found that,if I had a healthy meal -or healthy food in general-ready to grab in the fridge,I was way less likely to snack on cookies,chocolate or chips.

Thankfully Mark too was as passionate about nutrition and fitness as I was.

I took the waffles out of the toaster,piled them on a plate and drizzled the berry sauce over them.

I then poured almond milk and sugar in the coffee and plated the eggs.

As soon as I was done setting the table,Mark walked into the room,fully dressed and holding the car keys in his hand.

-Breakfast is served. -I said,with a smile- Hurry up and eat,before it goes cold.

He sat at the table while I started doing the dishes.

-Sweet and savoury? -he said- Really?

-Well..I didn't know what you were in the mood for..so..yeah. I made you both.

-Again..what did I do to deserve such a perfect wife?

A wave of nausea forced me out of my warm,cosy bed.

Again.

As I was brushing my teeth after emptying the contents of my stomach in the toilet bowl,I realised that that was my third to fourth stomach bug in..

-..what..2 months? -I whispered to myself.

Oh..the joys of being a pediatrician.

The worst thing about it was no antiemetic worked with me.

The only thing that worked was hot lemon water,ginger and extra light food.

Thank God I could still eat oatmeal and fresh fruit in the morning..as long as I cooked it in water only...which was how I liked it anyway.

I've been eating oatmeal for breakfast since I was in my twenties and it still was my favourite go to breakfast in the winter months.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw I was really pale.

-I hate stomach bugs..-I thought,while I gathered my hair in a messy bun.

I then made my way back to my bedroom. I slowly crawled back into bed,to try to get another hour of sleep before my alarm went off.

Mark was sleeping next to me on his side of the bed.

As soon as my head touched the pillow I fell asleep.

I woke up to the subtle smell of freshly brewed coffee.

I loved coffee and drank it by the gallon.

I liked it strong and black.

No sugar,no creamer.

Just coffee,pure and simple.

I blinked a few times,to get my eyes used to the light.

I saw Mark placing a tray on my nightstand.

-Good morning.

He smiled at me and handed me my mug,full of coffee.

-Good morning to you. -I replied with a smile -How are you?

He yawned.

-I wish I could sleep for 10 hours..

-You tell me..

-How are you? You look pale...

I got the mug closer to my mouth and the coffee aroma filled my nostrils.

As soon as it did,a new wave of nausea hit me.

I covered my mouth with one hand and ran to the bathroom.

I felt Mark's hands rubbing my back in a circular motion while I was throwing up.

Once I was done,he helped me up.

-Stupid stomach bug...-I whispered-..I can't seem to be able to fight it off.

I approached to the sink to brush my teeth.

-Do you want me to call into work for you?

I was confused. Why should he do that?

-Why? I can go...

-What? -he smiled - Spit out the toothpaste and say that again.

I finished brushing my teeth and wiped my mouth off with a towel.

-I said I can go to work no problem. -I told Mark- No need for you to call in for me.

I got closer to him and caressed his cheeks.

-Thank you though.

-Are you sure you can go?

-110% sure.

I smiled.

-Don't worry.

-Well then..why don't you take a warm shower? I'll make you breakfast.

I looked at him and realised how thankful I was for having him by my side.

-Oatmeal and hot lemon water?

-That'd be perfect.

He kissed my forehead.

-I'll leave you to your shower then. Breakfast will be ready when you're done.

It was December 5th but the hospital was already decorated for Christmas.

I loved it so much. Ahhh,I loved Christmas.

It meant baking season has officially begun.

When I started to eat healthy in my early 20s,I also taught myself to cook and bake.

Even though I would never have been as good as my mum or as my super talented pastry chef mother in law,I still loved to bake and try out new recipes.

And once a recipe had been tested and repeatedly made and approved,I would start make it again and again and shared whatever I made with my colleagues.

I usually started baking and bringing stuff over in late November or so..but the stomach bugs I had been dealing with had made it impossible for me to get near the kitchen that year.

-Today after work I will start decorating the house and bake some brownies.-I thought.

And I was determined to do it even though "after work" meant 8 pm at the earliest.

That day,and the whole month, I was responsible for the interns on their benign hem rotations.

As an attending pediatrician and a first year hem/onc fellow,I could teach the 1st year residents on my service.

I loved teaching and helping them out and I was against pimping. It had no purpose in my opinion.

I had 3 residents on my service that day,all women.

I was outside one patient of mine's room.

Noah was 4 and was diagnosed with Blackfan Diamond anemia when he was 9 months old.

He had been receiving steroid treatment and blood transfusions since then and that's why he was at the hospital that day.

He was on the bone marrow transplant list and I was pretty positive we would have found a match soon.

We got in his room and saw him laying on his bed,pale but happy and bouncy,as he always was.

His mum was sitting next to him.

-Doctor Liz! -he squealed.

-Hi champ.- I smiled- Give me five!

He did as told.

-So...how are you doing today?

-Ready for my magic cells!

-You're gonna get those soon.

I looked at my interns.

-Who wants to present the case?

They stayed quiet.

They reminded me of when I myself was an intern and had no experience whatsoever.

I was scared to even sneeze.

-Come on,I promise I don't eat people. Nor interns.

I smiled at them.

-Noah here can tell you himself...-I looked at him-..right,champ?

-She doesn't eat people.-he obediently said-..she just eats chocolate. All the time.

He looked at my interns and his eyes got bigger.

-Is any of you made of chocolate?

We all chuckled. Gosh, I loved kids.

At that point, Malini,one of my interns,shyly raised her hand.

-Yes?

I gave her an encouraging smile.

-I..uhm..-she started-..would like to present the case...

-That's the way to go. -I told her- Well done,doctor Patel. Now..go ahead,please.

-Noah Jacobs,4 years old..

-My birthday is in 2 days!!-Noah squealed,interrupting her-I'm almost 5!

She smiled at him.

-Oh,sorry. -she told him-Let me just start again,okay?

She already seemed more relaxed and at ease.

Kids could have that power on people. They sure had it on me.

When I was around kids,I would instantly feel better,no matter how bad I was feeling just a moment earlier

-Noah Jacobs,4 years old,almost 5.-she winked at him-Diagnosed with Blackfan Diamond anemia at 9 months of age,he's been on steroids and receiving transfusions ever since.

Today he's here for his weekly transfusion and a check up.

-Well done. -I praised her.- You were good.

-So that means you're gonna give her candy and a sticker,right?

Noah's voice again.

-You always give me those if I'm good.

-She's gonna get a sticker too,don't you worry.

When we got out of Noah's room,I suddenly felt hot.

It was like someone had cracked up the heat to a million degrees.

All that heat made me feel terribly queasy,once again.

-Doctor ...

-Mmmm..

My vision got blurred. I started feeling lightheaded and then,all of a sudden,everything started spinning around me.

After that,everything went black.

When I woke up on that cold early December morning,I was expecting everything but my attending passing out in my arms.

Carolyn,Sara and I had just finished checking on a patient.

I had presented the case and received praise from doctor Johnson.

I loved working with her. I loved the fact that she treated us interns like we were on her same level of knowledge,despite her being more experienced than us.

I loved the fact that she never scared us nor tortured us with impossible questions,like many other fellows did.

She made me feel like a valuable member of the team,like a "real" doctor.

Plus,she was so kind and sweet and nice to chat to.

At that moment,though,she was unconscious. Thankfully I noticed she was about to pass out on time and caught her before she fell on the floor and hit her head.

Only..I had no idea of what else to do.

-Oh my gosh..-Carolyn said-..the fellow died! What do we do now?

She was panicking. And so was Sara.

I too was worried but I tried to hold it together.

-Okay,Malini..think. -I thought- You're a doctor. You can do this. What would doctor Johnson do now?

-What do we do? -Carolyn again.

Her panicking high pitched tone was disturbing to me.

I had to do something. I swallowed,trying to gather my thoughts.

-Carolyn,go ask for help.-I said,calmly.

-To who? There's nobody here!

-A fellow,an older resident,whoever you can find. Run.

-I.,

-You can do it. Go.

She swallowed and then ran in the opposite direction.

I looked at Sara. She too seemed terrified.

-Okay..-I said- We need to carry her to a room so we can examine her. I'm gonna need your help.

She didn't say a word but went on and helped me.

Thankfully there was an empty room nearby.

-Now what? -she said,while frantically going through a pocket book- This book says nothing about what to do when the fellow you're under passes out!

The situation was critical but I was strangely calm.

-Suspected vasovagal syncope..-I said-..Raise her legs up to promote blood flow to the brain. I'll check her pulse and BP in the meanwhile.

Sara did as told.

-Low blood pressure..-I said-..she's probably dehydrated,hence she fainted.

We should order an EKG and a CBC and give her fluids.

-Shouldn't we check with someone first?

I slowly opened my eyes. I looked around and saw two of my interns hovering over me.

I then noticed I was laying in bed.

I had no idea of how I had gotten there. The last thing I remembered was feeling lightheaded,hot and nauseous.

-What.. -I whispered-..what happened?

-You're awake! Oh,thank God! -Sara,one of my interns squealed.

She seemed terrified.

-You passed out..-Malini,my other intern explained.

She,on the other hand,seemed calm.

-Oh..

That made perfect sense.

I was pretty sure I had passed out due to vomiting induced dehydration,nothing serious.

So I decided to transform my own feeling sick into a teaching moment for my interns.

-What would you do now? -I asked them- How would you manage this?

-We..uhm...-Sara turned red-..Carolyn..she went to ask for help.

-Calling out for help. -I repeated- Good.

I tried to sit up but my head started spinning again.

Malini gently grabbed my arm and helped me laying flat yet again.

-Easy. -she said- No rush.

-What would you do after that? -I went on,whispering.

-I took vital signs..-she offered-..BP was low.

-Well done. So?

-I think...

-You think? -I repeated- Go on,doctor Patel. I won't eat you.

I thought she maybe was embarrassed because I was her fellow,or scared to go wrong.

-Ok..-I looked at the both of them-..now I want you to pretend I'm not your fellow.

I'm just a random patient of yours.

I know nothing about medicine. I am just a patient you need to take care of.-I repressed a chuckle-Well..I do know you are pediatric residents and I'm not exactly a kid but..I've always said I'm a kid trapped inside a the body of a woman so..come on.

What would you do now,doctor Patel?

-I would order a CBC and an EKG...-she whispered.

-What? -I gave her a smile-Louder.

-I would order..

At that moment the door opened,showing a frantic intern,a nurse friend of mine and,much to my surprise,Mark.

He ran towards me,his face pale.

-What happened,Lizzie? -he asked me- The nurse..she told me you were sick.

-Nothing. -I tried to reassure him- I just passed out. I'm feeling a lot better now.

-Has anyone checked on you,yet? Did you hit your head? I..

It seemed like he was about to lose his mind.

-I am fine. - I told him- I promise. And..doctor Patel and doctor Evans here..they were just telling me about their treatment plan..

He looked at them then back at me.

-They were there when I passed out. They brought me here and called out for help. -I explained- So,doctor Patel..you were saying..

Mark looked at me again, as if I was crazy. Then he looked at my interns.

-Did she hit her head when she fainted? -he asked them,in a cold tone.

He always acted like that when he was worried or scared

-No..uhm..I meant no,sir.-Malini replied in a shaking voice- I..caught her before she hit the ground.

-Good. -he went on- You can leave the room now. You deserved a coffee break.

They got out of the room without saying a word,followed by the nurse.

-You scared them,Mark. -I told him- And..why did you kick them out?

-They did their job.-he replied-Now..let me page someone to evaluate you..

-They were. -I noticed- And..I was trying to teach.

-Lizzie..

His tone softened,as he looked at me.

-...they're interns. I bet they are capable and I know you love teaching. But it's your health we're talking about. I would like someone more experienced to take care of you.

-I am fine. I'm just dehydrated.- I caressed his cheek- Seriously.

-I'll call someone..

-They can handle such a simple case. Please..they need to learn..

-Indeed. But they don't need to learn on you.

-We too were as inexperienced as them once. -I tried again -They will just tell me what they think and won't do anything harmful. Please..I trust them.

-Lizzie...

-I'll help them!

I gave him puppy eyes.

He couldn't say no to that.

-No..not puppy eyes,please! You know I can't.. -he sighed loudly-...okay,they can try.

-Yay!

-But they can't use needles on you. No blood draws,no IVs. God only knows what they'd do with those.

-Becca will take care of that,don't worry.

-And..I will be here,watching them like a hawk.

-That's fine. I will tell them to ignore you.

We both laughed.

-I love you,Mark.

-You should...

He kissed me on my lips.

-You are stubborn..but I love you too.

-Come on..call them.

-What if they went to the cafeteria?

-If that's the case,I'll page them. Oh and please apologise for being a monster earlier.

-Me? A monster? -he looked at me-Watch what you say,woman.

-Or..

-I'll tickle you!

-No..you wouldn't.

-I totally would. Just wait until we get home!

He walked towards the door.

-I'll call the mini doctors. -he smiled at me- You rest.

I was standing outside the room where doctor Johnson was in.

Sara and Carolyn had gone to the cafeteria but I couldn't.

The trouble with me was I got attached to patients and wanted to know their all story from beginning to end.

At some point,doctor Freedman got out of the room and came towards me.

He,like all the other fellows beside doctor Johnson,made me feel uneasy and out of place.

I knew I was the problem and I had to get over this fear of people ahead of me in training. But still.

-Where are your friends? -he asked me.

-They..uhm..went to the cafeteria..uhm..sir.

-Page them,please.

I paged them,my heart beating.

-How is doctor Johnson doing?- I whispered.

He looked at me. I saw anger in his blue eyes. Or maybe it was worry?

-I don't know. -he said.

Did he just say he didn't know?

-Page your friends again.

I paged them again,praying they would get there soon.

After a few minutes,I saw Sara and Carolyn running with paper cups in their hands.

They stopped near me and looked at doctor Freedman.

-First of all..-he said,looking at us-..I want to apologise to you for being a jerk earlier.

I couldn't believe my ears. Had he just apologised? To us?

-And then..I want you to follow me.

-Follow you? -I said.

-Doctor Johnson wants you to evaluate her. -he sighed- Please do your best.

She wanted us to evaluate her?

As I followed doctor Freedman into her room,I tried to calm down.

-You can do it.-I told myself-One step at a time.

Doctor Johnson was sitting in bed.

She gave us an encouraging smile as we got into the room.

Doctor Freedman sat by her side.

-Don't mess it up,please. -he told us again.

-Please,pretend he's not here. -she told us- He's just worried. Pretend I'm a normal patient you need to evaluate,okay?

I swallowed.

-Who wants to start? -she asked us- Doctor Patel?

I stepped forward,trying to calm down.

I thought about what to do.

Since I had already taken vital signs,it seemed sensible I took a medical history before ordering anything.

-Have you ever passed out before?

-No.

-Have you ever suffered from low blood pressure before?

-No.

-Do you suffer from any chronic condition?

-No.

-Are you currently taking meds?

-No.

-Did you have any warning signs before passing out? Nausea? Feeling lightheaded?

-Yes. I actually had both.

That ruled out a cardiac related fainting episode. I would have ordered an EKG anyway though..as it was written on the guidelines. At that moment I remembered the guidelines also said every childbearing age woman who presented with a syncope should have a pregnancy test done.

I had to introduce the subject to her.

It was so embarrassing. She was my fellow after all.

But I had to do it.

I tried to pretend she was just a normal patient.

-You can ask other questions,if you need to. -her voice stopped my flow of thoughts-Go ahead.

I decided I would investigate gently and little by little.

-Uhm..how have you been feeling these past few days?

-Actually..I've been having episodes of nausea and vomiting. -she said.

-How long did they last?

-On and off for the past..uhm..2 months I think.

I tried to calm down. Pregnancy was a possibility.

-Have you taken any antiemetic to treat those?

- They don't work with me.

I tried not to turn red.

-She's not my fellow. -I told myself- She's not my fellow.

-Is there..is there any chance..you could be pregnant?

-Is there any chance you could be pregnant?

That question my intern asked me,out of protocol,felt to me like a cold shower.

I knew the guidelines said that every childbearing age woman who presented with a syncope should undergo a pregnancy test to rule out pregnancy and an EKG to rule out cardiogenic syncope.

I had been vomiting for quite some time after all..and I couldn't remember when my last period was.

But Mark and I were on a break.

Besides,I couldn't be pregnant. Period.

-No.

I smiled at her.

-Now...what's the next step?

-I would order an EKG and a CBC. And fluids. Mmmm..

-What? Come on,spill -I said- I don't eat interns.

-I might.. -Mark echoed.

Malini turned red.

-Please ignore him. He likes kidding.

-Shall I also order a pregnancy test?-she babbled- I mean..that's what the guidelines say. It's not a dangerous procedure that will hurt the patient. I don't know..

-I...

-Do it. -Mark interrupted me-I mean it.

She looked at me,for approval.

I nodded,holding back a sigh.

-Well done,doctor Patel. -I praised her- You did a great job.

-Monkeys..now go order the tests. -Mark said -Come on,leave us alone.

They left the room,leaving me with Mark.

We stayed silent for a while.

-Why did you order the test?-I whispered at some point - I..didn't want it.

-It's what the guidelines say.

I looked at him.

-A guideline is just a recommendation...it's not something mandatory.

-It becomes so,if it's supported by clinical experience,medical history and symptoms.

-I don't have any symptoms.

He looked at me.

-Mmmm..have I gone mad or have you been vomiting a lot recently?

I had. But the idea of being pregnant hadn't crossed my mind at all. Besides,we were on a break.

-It's a stomach bug. -I brushed it off.

-Then why didn't I have it? Stomach bugs spread like crazy.

Right. It made sense. Beside the break. And the fact that I couldn't be pregnant.

-We're on a break..

-We sure are,Rapunzel.

That name brought everything back to me.

My heart started beating faster.

I felt as if I had to throw up again.

-I...

-When was your last period?

I didn't remember. Since we were on a break,I hadn't paid attention to it.

-If I remember well,I haven't bought you chocolate in a while have I?

I felt tears in my eyes.

-I can't take another negative. -I whispered.

He held my hands.

-I know. -he smiled at me- Let's just be positive,okay?

Now..make me some space. I will hold you for a bit.

As soon as I found myself wrapped in his arms,I started crying.

Because it could actually be it.

And because it,once again,couldn't.

I had never been that thankful for a busy schedule.

Rounds with interns,lectures,patients.

Feeling sick earlier in the day had made me waste time..and I had had to make it up for it.

It was 9 pm and I was still at the hospital,savouring the first quiet moment since hours and munching on a RX bar.

After my IV came off,I hadn't stop for a second.

Because I had a ton of stuff to do.

And most importantly,because I didn't want to think about my blood test.

The lab was swamped..and of course,a CBC and a β hcg level fell pretty low on the priority list.

If I stopped working,I would have started to think about it and to stress myself over it.

I could be pregnant.

But I could also simply be suffering from food poisoning and having skipped my period due to stress.

I couldn't get excited before I had the test result in my hands.

I had some lab tech friends.

They told me they would page me as soon as the had the results.

A part of me wanted them to page me at that very moment.

Another wanted them to never do.

I finished my RX bar.

-Doctor Johnson..are you still here?

My intern,Malini,smiled at me.

-I had some catching up to do. -I replied- Thank you for your help earlier.

She smiled at me again.

-Why are you still here? - I asked her- Did you manage to grab a bite for dinner?

-I'm fine. -she assured me- Don't worry.

I looked at her. She looked exhausted.

-I want you to remember something: your health is just as important as your patients'. And when I say health,I mean both mental and physical.

Take care of yourself first.

This is maybe the most important thing I can tell you and hope to teach you.

Please,remember of this.

-I will.

-Do you have a lot to do,still?

-No..just check on Noah.

-Good. Go home and sleep after that.

At that moment my pager went off. The lab. My heart started beating faster.

-I would love to come and check on him myself but I have to go now. Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

** AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not a doctor yet,so please excuse any medical errors you might find in my scenes.
The medical information is taken from the latest professional version of the "Merck Manual".
If any of you readers is a doctor or medical student,please feel free to correct any mistakes you find..and let me know about the corrections. I love medicine and learning about it.
Just don't be too mean,please...I'm not a doctor yet!

Also the title of this scene is part of the lyrics from a song called "Celeste" by Laura Pausini,my very favourite Italian singer.
It can be translated as "And the I will be brave enough to wait for you a bit more".

random thoughts

AVRAI...

3:30 AM

"Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle
Storie fotografate dentro un album rilegato in pelle
Tuoni di aerei supersonici che fanno alzar la testa
E il buio all'alba che si fa d'argento alla finestra
Avrai un telefono vicino che vuol dire già aspettare
Schiuma di cavalloni pazzi che s'inseguono nel mare
E pantaloni bianchi da tirare fuori che già estate
Un treno per l'America senza fermate
Avrai due lacrime più dolci da seccare
Un sole che si uccide e pescatori di telline
E neve di montagne e pioggia di colline
Avrai un legnetto di cremino da succhiare
Avrai una donna acerba e un giovane dolore
Viali di foglie in fiamme ad incendiarti il cuore
Avrai una sedia per posarti e ore
Vuote come uova di cioccolato
Ed un amico che ti avrà deluso tradito ingannato
Avrai avrai avrai
Il tuo tempo per andar lontano
Camminerai dimenticando
Ti fermerai sognando
Avrai avrai avrai
La stessa mia triste speranza
E sentirai di non avere amato mai abbastanza
Se amore amore avrai
Avrai parole nuove da cercare quando viene sera
E cento ponti da passare e far suonare la ringhiera
La prima sigaretta che ti fuma in bocca un po' di tosse
Natale di agrifoglio e candeline rosse
Avrai un lavoro da sudare
Mattini fradici di brividi e rugiada
Giochi elettronici e sassi per la strada
Avrai ricordi ombrelli e chiavi da scordare
Avrai carezze per parlare con I cani
E sarà sempre di domenica domani
E avrai discorsi chiusi dentro e mani
Che frugano le tasche della vita
Ed una radio per sentire che la guerra è finita
Avrai avrai avrai
Il tuo tempo per andar lontano
Camminerai dimenticando ti fermerai sognando
Avrai avrai avrai
La stessa mia triste speranza
E sentirai di non avere amato mai abbastanza
Se amore amore amore avrai..."

(C. Baglioni "Avrai")

random thoughts

Dear future daughter..

8:54 AM

"I'm afraid you're gonna have to suffer

through some of my mistakes

but Lord knows I'll be trying

oh..to give you what it takes..

what it takes to know the difference

between getting by and living

because anything worth doing

is worth doing all the way

Just know you're gonna have to live with

all the choices that you make.

So make sure you're always giving

way more than you're taking.. "

(Reba McEntire "You're gonna be{..always loved by me}")

recipes

Update + Chocolate pudding recipe!

8:47 AM

Hello,friends!
Long time no blogging(beside the short post from.. 2 Sundays ago? Time flies!)!
Sorry about that but I've been in full study mode since the beginning of last week(with reserved time to dedicate to #selfcare and many breaks..don't worry!) as my exams are quickly approaching.


Please say hi to my best friend these days. He's upset at me because I should be hanging out with him right now but I'm writing this post instead!

But this morning, despite waking up bright and early and having a yummy healthy breakfast,I couldn't get much done due to being sick with a headache plus other stuff. Being sick made me nervous and anxious resulting in my ability to focus being close to 0.
Ahh,bad me!
I will make up for my laziness after lunch,I promise!

Anyways,let's jump to the purpose of this post,shall we?

Last August, during my weekly grocery shopping trip,I bought 2 huge avocados from my local grocery store.
After having avocado toast for 3 days straight,I got bored of it.
So I was stuck with half a ripe avocado all alone in my fridge. What to do,what to do?
I didn't want to have it mashed on toast nor I wanted guacamole.
So I thought..
"What if I tried to put into a smoothie? I know people make smoothies with avocados and they always look so delicious!"
I quickly typed "avocado smoothie" and it resulted in a tons of links to yummy recipes.
One in particular immediately caught my attention.
It called for cocoa powder,banana,avocado and a few other yummy ingredients I could easily get ahold of and said the end result would taste exactly like chocolate pudding.
Now.. a healthy version of chocolate pudding made within minutes in a blender?
Immediately after I read the recipe,I knew I had to try it.
So I went ahead and made it(I made it by eye,the recipe was where I got my inspiration from) and boom..it really DID taste like rich decadent chocolate pudding!
My family and I had it for dessert after lunch that day and I also gave some to my cousin for dessert that evening...and she asked me for the recipe!
In one word...it was YUMMY.
It tasted like a decadent treat but it was healthy( avocados are healthy because the contain healthy fats but rememeber "everything in moderation",always!)..what more could a girl want?
Since then,I've been making this pudding anytime I have a ripe avocado on hand and that chocolate craving hits.
Last week,I made a paleo single serve 1 minute microvawe brownie(I'll link the recipe for it down below,together with the original recipe for the chocolate pudding) and topped it with the last bit of avocado pudding I had in the fridge.
Oh my..it tasted like heaven!
( I might have had another one for dinner that same evening..shhh,don't tell anyone! I had studied all day long,I needed a treat!).
Now..I think it's better if I stop rambling and share the recipe with you,uh?
Let me know if you make the pudding yourself and if you like it!
Also..I'm working on a big weight loss/healthy eating story post I will share on here as soon as I have a bit of time to actually sit down at my laptop and turn my thoughts into words.
In it,I'll share my story and my tips about how to start to eat healthier and eventually turn it it into a lifestyle.
For now just know that my motto when it comes to food is "Moderation,not deprivation"
I'll leave you to the recipe now.

What's your go to healthy recipe when you have a sudden craving for chocolate?
Would you like me to post more recipes in the future?

******************************************************************************

CHOCOLATE AVOCADO PUDDING

Original recipe here: AVOCADO CHOCOLATE SMOOTHIE
SINGLE SERVING PALEO MICROWAVE BROWNIE: PALEO MICROWAWE BROWNIE

INGREDIENTS
Makes 2-3 servings
120 g ripe avocado(about 1\2 a medium avocado)
85 g plain greek yogurt(I used Fage 0% fat. 1/2 of one container)
1 TBS maple syrup(you can use honey instead)
2 TBS unsweetened cocoa powder
1 ripe banana(you can also use frozen banana)
30 mL( a dash) dairy or non dairy milk( I use plain soy milk)

DIRECTIONS

Just put everything in a blender and blend it all up on high speed until you get a thick pudding like consistency.
You might need to scrape down the sides of the blender halfway through to make sure everything gets incorporated and well blended together.

Once the pudding is ready,you can spoon it into serving glasses or cups,garnish it however you like(fresh mint,whipped cream,chocolate shavings, nuts,fresh or frozen berries..the sky is the limit!) and serve.
Or you can just eat it by the spoonful directly from the blender! No judging here.

If you have any leftover,just put in a closed airtight container and pop it it into the fridge.
It lasts for about 2 to 3 days like this.
The avocado will release some of its natural oil but the pudding will still be delicious!

Doesn't that look delicious? (Sorry about the bright lights)

life

Why is it called "According to my own clock?"

12:12 PM

"According to my own clock": the idea behind it.
When I decided to relaunch my blog and make it so it would feature every aspect of my life,I thought a lot about what its new name should be.
The "perfect" name for it popped in my mind right away.
I would have called it " EMY DOES LIFE " exactly like my IG and Twitter handle.
It features my journey through life after all.
But still..even though it seemed perfect and fitting..there was something not quite alright about it.
So..I kept thinking about possible names for a good hour or more..until I came across a quote on Instagram.

It was full of truth and just reading it calms me down every time.
Here is what it says:

"I know people who graduated college at 21, and didn't get a salary job until they were 27. I know people who graduated at 25 and already had a salary job. I know people who have children and are single. I know people who are married and had to wait 8-10 years to be parents. I know people who are in a relationship and love someone else. I know people who love each other and aren't together. There are people waiting to love and be loved. My point is, everything in life happens according to our time, our clock. You may look at your friends and some may seem to be ahead or behind you, but they're not. They're living according to the pace of their clock, so be patient. You're not falling behind, it's just not your time." - Julissa Loaiza
Since not getting into med school and starting biotech 2 years ago..I've been feeling terribly behind,not just academically speaking(I am behind in that department,sadly) but generally speaking.

To this day I still don't have my driving license(I'm able to drive a normal car..it's a paperwork issue..it's as though they've never meet someone with CP wanting to learn how to drive! I feel like an alien or something!),I've never been in a relationship(not that I'm particularly worried about that. You can't force love. When it comes,it comes.),I've never had a part time job(I won a pretty big scholarship though and was able to buy my family presents with my very own money. That was exciting!)..nor have done anything "you're supposed to do" in your teens.
I spent my teenage years locked up in my bedroom studying because "if you do really well in school,then you have more chances of getting into med school" and because it was my duty and my job.
Then I burned out,didn't make it to Med School and got depressed..having missed out on so many things.

Now I'm in biotech..and even though I'm trying my best,most of my professors and classmates are awesome and I know I'm where I should be..I can't fall in love with it. I'm studying and trying but tiny things scare me and my GPA sucks.
Comparison is lurking more than ever and it still makes me feel like crap most of the time.

I feel selfish and horrible because I still love medicine and I still want to be a doctor.
Some days I feel so positive and ready for med school,some days my goals seem far and unrealistic.
Some days I look at my shadow or at my walker and I get this urge to cry for hours.
Some days bad things I've been told keep echoing in my head and drive me crazy.
Some days I loathe myself.
Some days,like today,I pray I manage to send a friend recordings via Dropbox because "she's so perfect" and I don't want to see her unless it's strictly necessarily .
Some days I want to take my MCAT question bank off the shelf and do some practice questions but then I start feeling sad and let it go.
Same goes for my cheap blue stethoscope.
Some days I get overwhelmed by stuff and school and the future.
Some days I hate medical students,just because I wanna be in their shoes.

"Look at x,she graduated at 21 and married at 30 and did this,this and this. She's awesome. There's NO WAY I will be able to do what she did in that time frame therefore I suck so bad".
Tears to follow.
Comparison can really ruin your life.

But..as the quote says..people are different and do things differently.
In different ways and taking their time.
According to their own clock.

That's what I'll try to do with my blog.
Documenting my journey through life.
According to my own clock.

my stories

" My world is upside down..AGAIN!"(Part 1)

5:13 AM

Laura

I woke up and glanced at my alarm clock. It was late..I had overslept. Cursing under my breath,I got up,showered quickly and got dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater. I pulled my hair up in a messy bun and I was good to go.
There was no time to put make up on. I kissed Chris on his cheek and I left him a note on his nightstand.
I ran downstairs and grabbed coffee and a muffin for breakfast. I left a sticky note to each of the kids..sticking each one on their respective lunch boxes,that,thankfully,I had packed the night before.
I then wore my coat and scarf,grabbed my keys and purse.
I got out the house and hopped in the car. When I was 10 minutes into my driving,Aurore called me.
-Hey,what's up?-I asked her- Are you okay?
-Hi,ray of sunshine..good morning to you too-she giggled- Did you get up from the wrong side of the bed this morning?
-Oh,shush. -I said- I'm terribly late..I'm driving to mum's now. We are so late,oh my..
-She didn't call me yet,so I suppose she's still sleeping. -she paused- with this gloomy weather,I don't blame her.
-Where are you now?
-At the hospital. About to start my shift.
I was wondering..do you still have some of those cannoli left at the bakery?
-Cannoli?- I was puzzled- Like..Italian ricotta filled pastries? You don't even like those!
-Apparently your niece does.
-Cravings,uh?-my voice became sweeter- I remember those.I'll tell you what..if you come to the bakery in an hour or so,I'll have a tray of cannoli ready for you.
-Yay!
-Do you want chocolate chips or candied fruit in them?
-Chocolate!
-You sound exactly like Sarah when I ask her what kind of cupcakes she wants me to bake. -I giggled- If I remember well,you are way older than five,aren't you?
-Hey!- she protested- Don't judge my love for food. Besides..I am a paediatrician..I will always be a kid at heart. I'll do everything I can to come to the bakery. But I have a pretty busy schedule today.
-What if I come over to the hospital with the cannoli instead?
-Could you really? That'd be great! -she could barely contain her excitement - In that case,can you please bring a bigger tray? So I can share.
-Of course.-I paused- mmmmm..
-What?
-I was thinking..what if I bring mum along when I come over to the hospital? Just to say hi?
I heard her sighing.
-Laura..she's not ready for that,yet..
-It's been 5 months.-I said,firmly- She needs to react. That's what aunt Andie says.
-She's getting out of bed every morning and she's trying her best to act as normal as possible even though her world has been flipped outside down once again. She's reacting already.
-Is she? She's..feeling sorry for herself,I think. She's not..sick...she just limps a bit. She should feel lucky. It's not like she has lost someone..
-Laura!
-What? It's the truth.
-Did you forget about dad?-her voice was full of anger- Uh,did you?
-Of course,I didn't. -I turned red -But it has been 35 years..
-Try to put yourself in her shoes for a bit..-she seemed like she was about to cry-..all these years...she has been holding on..for us. For you,me and Henry. And for her patients. Because we needed her.-she paused- Now..we're all grown up. And she's had a stroke so she can't work anymore..even though she still has a couple of years before retiring. Now she's vulnerable,she has become an easy prey for her bad thoughts. Plus..she feels useless..like she had lost her place in the world.
-How do you know all of this?-I asked her- Did she tell you?
-She didn't. But I know she feels like this. We have the same brain,the same mind...we are..
-You two and your special bond..-I interrupted her,kinda annoyed-...and then there's Henry who's the youngest,so he too is special.
-You are special as well. Mum is so proud of you. -her voice got sweeter- Henry and I look up to you.
-Why do you understand her so well? I..try. But I can't. I can never...what can I do to make her feel better?-I sighed- what can I do?
-Don't treat her like she was about to break. And don't force her to do things. Coming back to the hospital is..difficult for her. It's almost like you asked her to go back to Boston. It's difficult for her.
-I don't treat her like she was about to break!- I protested- I'm just worried about her. I don't want her to get hurt..
-I understand. -she paused- It's normal to be worried. But she's pretty much back to normal now,physically. She takes all her meds daily,she's learning new ways to do things..she calls us when she needs help. You should have seen her yesterday evening..when I asked her to help me once the baby comes or when Henry asked her some questions about a little patient of his. She..lit up. She seemed 10 years younger,really.
-I don't know anything about medicine so..
-That's not the point. -she sighed- The point is..treat her like you used to do 5 months ago. She's..still the same. I mean..she's still mum.
-How do I do it? I...
-Leave her the kids this afternoon. I don't know..go shopping,go get a pedi,whatever you like. Have some "me time". Trust me when I tell you she's gonna be so happy to have them with her.
-I don't know..Sarah..she likes running around,mum might not..
-Sarah is well behaved. She'll listen if mum tells her not to run around..she loves her! Ashley and Timmy are older so they're not a problem.
-Timmy has to hand in a science project on Monday.-I suddenly remembered- He's behind. He asked me to ask you or Henry if one of you could help him with it.
-What is the project about?
-The human body. He has to pick out something they studied in class and do some little research on it. Can you help him?
-No,I'm sorry. -she said- I have a long busy day today.
-Okay,no worries. I'll ask Henry.
-I don't think he'll be able to help him either. He's on night shifts all weekend,he sleeps during the day..I mean..
-Ugh..what do we do now? I don't know a thing about that stuff..who can I ask help to?
-Uhm..hello,Laura?!?- she seemed annoyed- Your mother is a physician like Henry and I. She can help Timmy this afternoon.
-Oh..you're right. I forgot about her..
-And this takes me to the second point. -she said- If one of the kids gets a cold or something and you want reassurance before taking them to the doctor, don't come to me. Ask mum.
-But she's...
-...very good and up to date. She might still have difficulties with her fine motor skills,but she can still read textbooks and think like a doctor. And she still has a steel memory.
I thought about it. Maybe Aurore was right. She understood mum in a way I had never had...they were basically twins. They had always had some sort of special bond. Maybe I was treating mum differently indeed..and instead of protecting her,I was hurting her.
She..was still my mum,after all. She could still help me out..just more slowly than she used to,maybe.
I did try to make her laugh and forget about her feelings for a bit..that was why I insisted on taking her out with me anytime I could or on taking her to Children's to say hi to her old patients and colleagues. That was why I often organised dinners and get togethers with family and cooked tons of food..like I had done just the night before. She loved food so much..or at least,she used to.
I smiled,to myself.
Maybe I had taken my love for food from her. I had always thought we had virtually nothing in common..both physically speaking and emotionally speaking.
She herself always said I had taken everything from dad..that I was basically his carbon copy. Once she had confessed me she was so glad I was her complete opposite and that she hoped I wouldn't have had the same problems she had growing up.
I was desperately trying to help her. But at that moment..listening to Aurore's words,I realised that I wasn't helping her at all by forcing her to do things..to go back to her old life and her old self.
She did decline all my asking her to go over to this or that place or to do this or that thing,after all.
Politely..but she did decline all of them. Sometimes I wondered how she managed to always be so kind and polite..in situations where I would have jumped to someone's neck or got pissed and yelled,to say the least. Aurore was like her..so kind and polite,almost all the time. I was sure they had their breakdowns and bad moments but..somehow most of the time,they were able not to show it..to keep them for themselves.
Henry, on the other hand,was kind and polite yes,but he did burst sometimes..for everyone to see,much like I did.
Mum always said he was the perfect mix of her and dad..both physically and emotionally speaking.
She also always said that we-Henry,Aurore and I- had saved her.
Especially Henry. In fact,once she had told me that the day Henry was born was the day when she realised she could indeed go on and the first day she truly smiled since dad's accident.
Maybe Aurore was right. Maybe we could help her once again.
-Laura,I have to go now. -Aurore's voice interrupted my thoughts-Someone is paging me.
-Oh,okay. I almost got to mum's anyway.
-Laura,promise me you won't force her to come to the hospital to see me. When she's ready..she'll tell you herself.
-I promise. -I said- I'll see you in an hour or so with a huge tray of cannoli,okay?
-Okay,yay! Can't wait!
There was her excitement about food again. The same mum used to have.
-I'll call my hairdresser later. -I went on-To see if she can fit me in for an haircut and colour this afternoon. My split ends are horrible and my roots..oh,they're awful.
-And the kids? Both Henry and I are super busy today.
I understood she was testing me. But I knew the right answer.
-I'll leave them with mum.
-You promise?
-Aurore!
-Promise me.
-I promise. -I sighed- Pinky swear.
-Very good. I have to go now.
-Bye. I'll see you later.
And she hung up.
A few minutes later,I got to mum's. I parked and got out of the car.
I opened the door and got into the house.
-Mum! -I called- Mum!

Elizabeth

I had just texted Laura another time when I heard her voice calling me.
We were late but we could still get to the hospital on time.
-Mum! -she called- Mum!
-I'm getting down,sweetie! -I yelled back- Just a sec!
I had been trying buttoning up my cardigan for the past 15 minutes or so,while waiting for her,with no success.I wanted to try one last time.
I took a deep breath.
I tried and I finally managed to button up half of it first,then the other half as well.
-I did it. -I whispered- I did it! Yes!
Laura ran into the room and put one arm around my shoulders.
-What's wrong? -she asked me- Are you hurt? Why did you scream?
-I'm alright. -I smiled -I buttoned up my cardigan. See?
She looked at it and smiled.
-Very good. I knew you could do it.
-Well..I didn't.
-Come on,let's go now. -she said- I have something to ask you.
-What is it,baby? -I caressed her cheek- Are you alright?
-Of course. I just need a favour.-she paused- But now we really need to get going.
We got in the car and Laura started driving.
-How are you today,Laur?-I asked her- All okay?
-I'm okay. Just tired.
The sun had started bothering my eyes. I grabbed my sunglasses from my purse and I put them on.
-You look a bit like a diva..-Laura giggled- Those sunglasses are amazing.
-I love them..but I'm afraid I got too old to wear them by now. -I sighed- I'll give them to you once we get home...if you want them. They'll look great on you.
-You are not old.-she pointed out- Great aunt Catherine is old,not you. She's like 2 hundred years old..at least,according to uncle Alex. And another old bat was her sister..great aunt Muriel.
As soon as she mentioned her,something came up to my mind. An happy memory from almost 40 years earlier.
-A memory came up to my mind..something fun about me and your dad,that maybe might be a bit TMI for you. Do you wanna hear it?
-Of course.
-When I married your dad I was almost 31. We both had decided to finish our fellowships before getting married. So we graduated in May and got married in June.
We both wanted a family..your dad often said he wanted a football team of our own.
We started trying right after the wedding because I had convinced myself my time was running low.
But..despite trying and trying and trying again..nothing was happening. I was so sad and frustrated. I had once again convinced myself it was my fault. I even had several blood works done..to check on my hormones levels. Everything was normal..according to those and to my OB and auntie Emma. -I paused- One night,I couldn't sleep. So I took my blood work and I went to the library we had in the house. I sat on the couch there,took my old textbooks and started reading through them,while going over my labs again. Your dad came in almost an hour later..I remember it was 4 in the morning. I broke down in his arms..saying it was my fault because I was old. He held me and told me his aunt Muriel was old,not me.
-I didn't know about this. -she said- Well..sorry if it took me a while to come,I guess.
She smiled at me.
-That night..your dad convinced me we needed to take a break and I reluctantly agreed. So we did take a break.-I paused- One night,we had come back from an Halloween party at the hospital and..
-Ewwww! TMI!
-You're right,sorry. -I smiled- In the end you came..our beautiful precious baby girl.
You took your sweet time but once I first held you in my arms..everything was worth it.
I paused.
-God only knows what I told your dad when I was in labour! I must have told him a lot of bad stuff..-I giggled- But I was so blessed to have him there with me. He spent 20 hours straight rubbing my back,feeding me ice chips and telling me how much he loved me. I vividly remember at some point I told him it was all his fault if I was in pain..and he told me I was right.-I smiled while remembering-
I was in so much pain..it was horrible. Also because I decided to go all natural.
-No epidural or anything? -she was surprised- Wow.
-It was pretty stupid,actually. Nothing to look up to. -I paused- In fact right after you were born,I decided I would have got an epidural next time.
-And you did?
-I couldn't. - I chuckled- I'm always a bit embarrassed when I tell people why. Since I was a doctor and I had already had you,I should have known better..
-How?
We stopped at a red light and Laura looked at me.
-What happened?
-It was a rainy mid October afternoon and I had been forced to leave work earlier than usual due to a pretty bad lower back pain that had been bothering me all day long . I was 36 weeks pregnant with Rory at the time and both your dad and your aunt Laurie forced me to go back home,lay down and relax. Auntie Amy picked you up from daycare and the 3 of us went home. Auntie Amy then insisted to take care of the chores and to watch you so that I could try and sleep for a bit. So I got into comfy clothes and started watching House MD reruns in bed.
-You are such a workaholic nerd..-Laura teased me-...my gosh..
-I was,uh? -I paused- Anyways..I relaxed and Aunt Amy took you to her place for the night. Then your dad came home,we had dinner..watched some tv and called it a night.
The light turned green and Laura resumed driving.
-Then?
I could feel how curious she was,just from her voice.
-Then..around 4 30 that night..an excruciating pain in my lower back and lower abdomen woke me up. I felt that the sheets under me were soaked. -I paused- I figured out that the baby was coming and I panicked. I still don't know how I managed to move,get up and get dressed. I was so scared.
I woke up your dad,in tears. He too was scared but he comforted me and told me everything was going to be alright. He got dressed and called your Aunt Laurie,to tell her we were going to the hospital. Thankfully she was on call and she told us to go straight to L&D where she would meet us.
I paused again.
-At that point,I was in so much pain that I could barely walk..deep inside I knew something wasn't quite right. I was shaking from top to toe..I remember your dad had to carry me to and into the car.
We lived max 10 minutes away from the Brigham..but to me,that night,those 10 minutes seemed like an eternity.
I was in so much pain..breathing didn't help one bit..and I was so scared because I was only 36 weeks along.
Once we finally got to the hospital,I was feeling terrible.
In the ED,they got me in a wheelchair,paged aunt Laurie and rushed me to L&D.
There,aunt Laurie checked on me and she told me the baby was crowning.
-Really?-Laura said- How was that even possible?
I smiled at her.
-I remember I said the same exact thing. Aunt Laurie told me I probably had been in labour all afternoon and didn't notice.-I paused- She told me it could happen and that it was very common but I felt horrible..because I hadn't noticed it and I could have put your sister in danger.
Although I was in so much pain,I remember I insisted on being hooked up to a fetal monitor..but there wasn't time.
The only thing I could do was getting the baby out as soon as possible.
-That must have been scary. -Laura commented- I can't even imagine. At this point,I'm even more grateful I decided on scheduled C-sections.
-You should be. -I giggled- Thankfully, I was able to get her out in a matter of 20 minutes or even less.
I will never forget how relieved I felt when I heard her crying and screaming out of her lungs.
She was healthy,but,since I was a paediatrician, I insisted they took her to the NICU to keep an eye on her overnight.
After she was born I had other issues myself and quite a bad time..but thankfully everything went well in the end.
-Are. - Laura pointed out.
-What,sweetheart?
-You said " I was". You are still a paediatrician.
I held back a sigh.
-So no epidural for me.
-I hope you had one with Henry,then.
I sighed.
-I didn't,actually. -I paused- So..what did you want to ask me?
-I was wondering whether you could watch the kids for a couple of hours this afternoon..-she quickly looked at me- ..I..have some stuff to get done.
I couldn't believe my ears. Had she really just asked me that?
She hadn't left me the kids since..ages. She always said she didn't need help or that the kids were too much trouble for me since I needed to "relax,take it easy and recover" or so she said..quoting both my PM&R and my neurologist.
I suspected Rory had something to do with her finally trusting me again. Rory knew me so well..she had probably understood that I was feeling useless.
-Mum? Hello?!?- Laura's voice brought me back to reality.
I grinned at her. I was so happy I wanted to hug her. I was so grateful I wanted to cry.
-Really? -I said - Do you trust me with them?
-Of course..-she replied,almost annoyingly - You're still their Nana,after all. And you're a doctor on top of that..so..
I wanted to scream "Thank you,thank you,thank you" at the top of my lungs but I tried to stay calm.
-Oh and..Timmy has to do a science project about the human body..due on Monday. Could you help him?
At that point I was so happy I could burst. I felt tears in my eyes..and I was thankful for the fact that I had my sunglasses on.
- So... I get to spend the afternoon with the kids and to teach them stuff about the human body? I'm on cloud nine,here!
I grinned again.
-Bring them over to my place after school. -I could barely contain my excitement- I'll take care of them.
-Sold.
I couldn't stop smiling.

Pages

ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

About "embracing the glorious mess that you are.."

E poi avrò il coraggio di aspettarti ancora un po'... **

AVRAI...

Dear future daughter..

Update + Chocolate pudding recipe!

Why is it called "According to my own clock?"

" My world is upside down..AGAIN!"(Part 1)

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