ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...: random thoughts

Anything is possible: Meet Eleonora! (FIRST GUEST POST!!)

1:08 AM

Hello,friends!

Today I'm thrilled to share with you my very first guest post. It's from Eleonora,a friend of mine to whom I look up.

I met her through Instagram and we became friends.

She's one of the most positive and passionate people I know.

If you wanna know more about her,her social media are below.

Without further ado,I'll leave you to her amazing post.

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“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. “

Vincent Van Gogh

Hello, fellow Earthlings.

My name is Eleonora (or,for all space friends here, simply Cosmoeleonora), I am Italian and I am a mom. My dream is not becoming an astronaut or a scientist as the majority of you could think. Not anymore, at least. To be honest, I am probably too old to pursue a degree and find a job in these fields. Despite this I am a space fool and I would love you to begin your journey of seeking and discovering the cosmos with me.

I have started getting involved in space stuff since childhood. I used to watch all sci-fi movies and tv series about with far- distant worlds and multi universes. By the way, I am a Star Trek fan, how about you?

I have recently begun studying all astronomical issues from exoplanets to nebulae , blackholes galaxies..you name it.

I don’t yet own a telescope ( but I will get myself one soon and share my exciting discoveries with you, don’ t doubt about that!;) )but I spend my spare outside looking up at the universe and taking random shots at the Moon and planets with my phone.

I love and cherish every minute of the time I spend doing these said things.

One of my biggest dreams is teaching, motivating and sharing my love for space with people all – with special attention to the youngsters.

By doing so,I hope to help people to look at life differently: with humility and curiosity but also with courage.

The courage of those who believe in their dreams,are determined and don’t give up.

How do I do all this?

Well..to start with, I love to post and share what I learned -and are currently learning through my readings and research- on my social media, in a simple but passionate way.

For this reason,I have created a fb page about all things astronomy ( check under my photo below for info), a brand new youtube channel and an Instagram profile,on which people can follow me and see what I’m up to.

I see this as a way of keeping track of all I learn, while telling readers about the nighty sky and everything astronomy.

The space is really something incredibile.

I think it’s important for people to try and be more aware of this.

You see.. we all are always busy with routine life, problems and duties that,more often than not,lead us to be stressed and generally.

If you find yourself in this situation, my suggestion to you is this : stop for a moment and look up.

You will discover a second reality above your heads.

Those bright dots you see in the sky will no longer be simple dots, but a door through which science and imagination will lead you where no man has been to before.

So, If you’re interested, I hope you tag along my journey through the stars. Come on, let’s fly!

About me.

I remember when I was a little girl, I had dreams like every child on Earth. And yes, I too had my fair share of days where i jumped all over the house, saying : “ Mum, I will be an astronaut! I will be an astronaut”.

As far as I can remember,one of my biggest dreams was to fly over to the Moon

Growing up, new interests and perhaps more realistic hobbies kept my soul on fire.

However, that sense of wonder about those brilliant dots in the sky, all thousand questions about the universe came back to my mind in a particular period of my life.

It was a summer night . I couldn’ t sleep.

My life was not going as I had dreamt of. I had just got separated and in addition to it, I was suffering due to other personal issues. I felt discouraged. I went out to the balcony and looked up, trying to find a soothing remedy in something outside of me.

And in that very precise moment I magically realized that time was not there anymore.

My problems did trouble me nomore.

Right there I was staring into the heart of infinity and all my sadness seemed dwarfed. It made me feel like crying, yet smiling at the same time. That night I figured out what my dream really was and became aware that I had to do all I possibly could to share with other people what I was feeling right then

Pursuing this is not an easy task, guys. I know that.

I may spend a lot of my days in awe at the beauty of the universe, but I spend probably an equal amount of time in frustration and distress knowing that not everybody will follow me. On the contrary some people probably laugh at my timewasting hobby.

However, I don’t give up on my dream. When I fall,I pull myself up again.

No, I’m not them. I am me and I feel reassured when I go back outside to look at the stars.

Pursuing what you love might make you feel you defeated,yes. But it’s the moment you decide to not let your fears defy you…that’s when you’re reminded of why you are pursuing it in the first place. That’s when your goal becomes beautiful again.

I often think back to myself as a young girl, excited to become an astronaut.

It’s funny how times change. But I also sometimes wonder about how different my life would be if I wasn’t interested in astronomy.

The future is uncertain, but if you have something to set your dreams and aspirations on, life becomes this beautiful and amazing thing.

One thing is for certain: looking differently at the night sky has changed who I am, and what I stand for. It may sound cheesy, but it’s an incredible feeling trying to understand the vastness of space. There is a whole universe to discover. Anything is possible. Seeing the universe in its raw beauty is almost magical. I plan on always dreaming big: for even if I don’t land on the Moon or Mars or beyond, I will have landed among the stars.

life

Instead of saying...(free flow of thoughts)

3:41 PM

Ahhhh..long time no blogging,guys!

Life has been pretty..well..I won't say hectic,but I sure am really stressed right now.

(Proof of this is how horrible my skin looks right now..~~pimples galore!~~..really bad!)

You see..I'm re taking ochem and physics and I am still in the process of figuring out how I study best for those.

And that,believe me,is stressing me out way more that the actual studying is.

Yes,lame.

I'm realising that one of the most difficult things about college/uni/higher education is understanding how you study best(and by this I mean how you retain and understand information! I'm not talking grades here. Grades DO NOT define you.) for x,y,z subjects.

The way you study for pathology might be difficult from the way you study for orgo.

And the way your "perfect classmate who makes As everytime"studies might not work for you.

And that DOES NOT mean you are stupid or dumb.

It just means you're different and you learn differently from that person.

We are all different and THAT'S OKAY. That's normal.

Okay,now that I'm done with giving myself a pep talk(yes,you caught me! I need to tell myself those things every day),let's move on to something else.

This morning I realised I say "I hate biotech"(or "I hate being stuck here. I hate having CP"...) way too many times.

And that's not good.

Yes,biotech has never been part of "my plans".

Yes,3 years ago I would have never thought I would have ended up here.

Yes,it's not my favourite and I don't have a passion for every class I have to take( e.g. I loved pathology and med chem and physiology. I struggled with molecular biology and I still can't believe I passed it with low grade A the second time I took it) but,let's face it..even in med school there are gonna be "yay!"classes and "so-so" classes and "uhhh,this is torture!" classes,I'm sure.

It's just how it is.

You can't have the rainbow without a little rain,right?

And if something doesn't challenge you,it won't change you,right?

So..from today,I will try not to say "I hate biotech" or "I hate this,this and this" or "Oh,if only I were there instead of here. If only I were/had this or that..."

INSTEAD I will try to say:

"Biotech has never been part of my plans but I can learn so much from it,both school wise and experience wise. So I will try to embrace it and get the most out of it instead of hating it."

"I do feel like I should have moved out by now and I hate CP because it has made me live in a bubble my whole life and now I feel so behind.

I'm not as stuck as I think I am, though.

I have gone on a trip on my own. I have passed 10 (might be more,don't wanna count them) college level science classes.

I have learned to walked in flip flops.

I am able to cook my own food and I have discovered a passion for baking.

I have lost nearly 40 pounds and walked a lot more than I thought I could.

I am now able to wear rings and knee lenght boots for the first time in my life!!(whaat?).

I wore shorts this summer. SHORTS! ME!

So no..I'm not as stuck as I think I am. I've made a lot of progress and I have grown.

Therefore..I should not feel that bad about "being stuck" because I'm not actually in the same place I was 3 years ago. I have grown a lot."

life

About "embracing the glorious mess that you are.."

12:35 AM

It's okay not to be perfect.

Just do your best each and every day.

Now..I'll tell you something really silly.

As many of you know,I love writing and I've been writing about my protagonist(Liz)for almost 10 years now(jeez..I'm old!!). When I first created her I made it so she was everything I wanted to be in life when I was older. And I don't mean "just" a doctor,a wife and a mum.

Way more than that.

I made her kind,sweet,soft-spoken,relatively fit,good with people and kids,relatively pretty.

To the 12 year old me she was "perfect" and represented my "goal" to reach in life.

She still does.

But..as I grew up and she grew up and developed with me,despite still representing my goals,she stopped being "perfect". In fact,without noticing,I started making it so she was more similar to a real person(maybe that person was me..whoops)rather than the result of my life goals mixed together into a character.

She started having flaws and imperfections. She started struggling.

She started getting mad from time to time and losing her mind.

She struggled in school and believed she wasn't enough to become a doctor.

To my dismay,she too started struggling with mental illness(depression and anxiety.)..so that I myself could cope with my own.

She became a real person.

I ditched the "perfect" idea I had of her and made it so she embraced "the glorious mess that she was"...and to be honest,that's helping me to do the same with myself.

random thoughts

AVRAI...

3:30 AM

"Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle
Storie fotografate dentro un album rilegato in pelle
Tuoni di aerei supersonici che fanno alzar la testa
E il buio all'alba che si fa d'argento alla finestra
Avrai un telefono vicino che vuol dire già aspettare
Schiuma di cavalloni pazzi che s'inseguono nel mare
E pantaloni bianchi da tirare fuori che già estate
Un treno per l'America senza fermate
Avrai due lacrime più dolci da seccare
Un sole che si uccide e pescatori di telline
E neve di montagne e pioggia di colline
Avrai un legnetto di cremino da succhiare
Avrai una donna acerba e un giovane dolore
Viali di foglie in fiamme ad incendiarti il cuore
Avrai una sedia per posarti e ore
Vuote come uova di cioccolato
Ed un amico che ti avrà deluso tradito ingannato
Avrai avrai avrai
Il tuo tempo per andar lontano
Camminerai dimenticando
Ti fermerai sognando
Avrai avrai avrai
La stessa mia triste speranza
E sentirai di non avere amato mai abbastanza
Se amore amore avrai
Avrai parole nuove da cercare quando viene sera
E cento ponti da passare e far suonare la ringhiera
La prima sigaretta che ti fuma in bocca un po' di tosse
Natale di agrifoglio e candeline rosse
Avrai un lavoro da sudare
Mattini fradici di brividi e rugiada
Giochi elettronici e sassi per la strada
Avrai ricordi ombrelli e chiavi da scordare
Avrai carezze per parlare con I cani
E sarà sempre di domenica domani
E avrai discorsi chiusi dentro e mani
Che frugano le tasche della vita
Ed una radio per sentire che la guerra è finita
Avrai avrai avrai
Il tuo tempo per andar lontano
Camminerai dimenticando ti fermerai sognando
Avrai avrai avrai
La stessa mia triste speranza
E sentirai di non avere amato mai abbastanza
Se amore amore amore avrai..."

(C. Baglioni "Avrai")

random thoughts

Dear future daughter..

8:54 AM

"I'm afraid you're gonna have to suffer

through some of my mistakes

but Lord knows I'll be trying

oh..to give you what it takes..

what it takes to know the difference

between getting by and living

because anything worth doing

is worth doing all the way

Just know you're gonna have to live with

all the choices that you make.

So make sure you're always giving

way more than you're taking.. "

(Reba McEntire "You're gonna be{..always loved by me}")

life

Why is it called "According to my own clock?"

12:12 PM

"According to my own clock": the idea behind it.
When I decided to relaunch my blog and make it so it would feature every aspect of my life,I thought a lot about what its new name should be.
The "perfect" name for it popped in my mind right away.
I would have called it " EMY DOES LIFE " exactly like my IG and Twitter handle.
It features my journey through life after all.
But still..even though it seemed perfect and fitting..there was something not quite alright about it.
So..I kept thinking about possible names for a good hour or more..until I came across a quote on Instagram.

It was full of truth and just reading it calms me down every time.
Here is what it says:

"I know people who graduated college at 21, and didn't get a salary job until they were 27. I know people who graduated at 25 and already had a salary job. I know people who have children and are single. I know people who are married and had to wait 8-10 years to be parents. I know people who are in a relationship and love someone else. I know people who love each other and aren't together. There are people waiting to love and be loved. My point is, everything in life happens according to our time, our clock. You may look at your friends and some may seem to be ahead or behind you, but they're not. They're living according to the pace of their clock, so be patient. You're not falling behind, it's just not your time." - Julissa Loaiza
Since not getting into med school and starting biotech 2 years ago..I've been feeling terribly behind,not just academically speaking(I am behind in that department,sadly) but generally speaking.

To this day I still don't have my driving license(I'm able to drive a normal car..it's a paperwork issue..it's as though they've never meet someone with CP wanting to learn how to drive! I feel like an alien or something!),I've never been in a relationship(not that I'm particularly worried about that. You can't force love. When it comes,it comes.),I've never had a part time job(I won a pretty big scholarship though and was able to buy my family presents with my very own money. That was exciting!)..nor have done anything "you're supposed to do" in your teens.
I spent my teenage years locked up in my bedroom studying because "if you do really well in school,then you have more chances of getting into med school" and because it was my duty and my job.
Then I burned out,didn't make it to Med School and got depressed..having missed out on so many things.

Now I'm in biotech..and even though I'm trying my best,most of my professors and classmates are awesome and I know I'm where I should be..I can't fall in love with it. I'm studying and trying but tiny things scare me and my GPA sucks.
Comparison is lurking more than ever and it still makes me feel like crap most of the time.

I feel selfish and horrible because I still love medicine and I still want to be a doctor.
Some days I feel so positive and ready for med school,some days my goals seem far and unrealistic.
Some days I look at my shadow or at my walker and I get this urge to cry for hours.
Some days bad things I've been told keep echoing in my head and drive me crazy.
Some days I loathe myself.
Some days,like today,I pray I manage to send a friend recordings via Dropbox because "she's so perfect" and I don't want to see her unless it's strictly necessarily .
Some days I want to take my MCAT question bank off the shelf and do some practice questions but then I start feeling sad and let it go.
Same goes for my cheap blue stethoscope.
Some days I get overwhelmed by stuff and school and the future.
Some days I hate medical students,just because I wanna be in their shoes.

"Look at x,she graduated at 21 and married at 30 and did this,this and this. She's awesome. There's NO WAY I will be able to do what she did in that time frame therefore I suck so bad".
Tears to follow.
Comparison can really ruin your life.

But..as the quote says..people are different and do things differently.
In different ways and taking their time.
According to their own clock.

That's what I'll try to do with my blog.
Documenting my journey through life.
According to my own clock.

mental health

A clean slate..

11:59 AM

Yes,I know I should be reviewing because my physiology exam is in a week and I want and NEED to do super well on it. But first..I need to write this down.

Two days ago I was sitting at my laptop trying to review but my eyes were teary and burning and I wouldn't stop yawning..don't you hate when that happens?

So I decided I had to read something other than my study material in order to reactivate my brain. I stumbled into a PDF of a book I forgot I had in my laptop "Breaking Night" by Liz Murray. I finished re-reading before lunch today and it made me cry. It's so beautiful...check it out if you haven't.

Elizabeth "Liz" Murray was born in 1980 in New York from heroin and cocaine addicted parents who loved her but would do anything for some more drugs. She grew to protect them and help them in any way she could. She was especially close to her mother,Jeanie,who,on top of everything, was an alcoholic.

In the book,Liz goes through all her life from early age to when she's 18.

When she's about 17,Liz finds herself homeless because the old apartment she lived in with her parents got demolished,her dad lives in shelter and her mum and older sister,Lisa,live with a rather abusive and mean man,known simply as 'Brick' who initially was kind to Jeanie but then started treating her like garbage. Jeanie had always suffered from mental illness and was declared HIV positive when Liz was about 15.

After her mum died from AIDS,Liz realised she had to change what she could about the situation she was in..and that the only thing she could change was her education.

So she went back to school,completed 4 years of high school in 2 years and received a 12.000$/year scholarship for her to pay for college.

And on top of everything she got accepted to Harvard where she went for her undergraduate and graduate studies..eventually becoming a counsellor and motivational speaker.

Amazing,right?

I realised..when I read about Liz having this dream of going to High School and getting all As..going to college and graduating and making something good out of herself and her life..and knowing that she could at least TRY to do that..I realised I used to be exactly like her.

Driven. Determined. Hard working. Hopeful. But then..my last year of high school was so stressful and busy..I didn't get into med school and right before my final exams I fell in such deep depression and was so sad and exhausted I didn't want to get out of bed.

Then I graduated with high grades,won a scholarship and started feeling better...and looking at the future with a smile and hope. I applied to biotech and biology program,knowing that it wasn't what I wanted to do,but planning to drop out as soon as I got more independent and got into med school.

But then.. my grandpa passed away,people started paying money to get into med school at the point that there were so many people following lectures that they had to sit on the floors. Now..I could have paid for my admission with my very own money from the scholarship..I could have got into a med school that was 3 hours from home. But despite it being completely unethical for everyone but the people who had been involved in the all papers stealing thing, I knew overcrowded schools weren't the right thing for me. I knew I yet wasn't independent enough to go to med school and on top of everything else..biotech had damaged my self esteem,taking it from low to virtually non existent. I sat a long 3 part multiple choice exam and barely passed despite giving it my all..studying as much as I possibly could. From there..everything got even worse and went downhill. I started getting more and more anxious and depressed..loathing every little bit of my being.

When I saw that I had barely passed despite giving it my all..I thought "What else should I do? I gave it my all..I don't have anymore to give. I was used to get good grades if I worked really really hard like I did for this exam. I can't possibly work any harder. If I suck at this stupid biotech thing,I have no chances in Med School. I give up. I'm a freakin' failure. I just wanna sleep. And don't wake up anymore".

I was scared of sitting exams...I would postpone them and tell myself I would have done them "later" and then loathe myself even more because of that.

I still do this..even though I am trying my best,I seem not to have found what study method works for me or how can I get good grades,like my seemingly perfect classmates I can barely stand do. I'm still scared of tiny things and beyond stressed and although I sat more exams than last year and my grades were better than those this year..I still am nowhere I should be. As a former top student(I was one of the two people in my school district who were given a scholarship. And no. High School in Italy is not a walk in the park..I have pretty much the same knowledge a Ancient Literature college graduate would have,I checked ;) ) who worked her butt off everyday but was rewarded with good grades..seeing that working as hard as I can isn't enough anymore broke me. It made me scared and stole that little bit of self confidence I had from me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a bit jealous of my classmates who seem perfect(seem is the key word here) and study and get great grades..and are beautiful and confident. I maybe need to get closer to them and learn from them..but being around them makes me feel like a huge failure. Darn pride.

I know I have to think about my own path and don't give a monkeys about others' because I have my own goals and dreams and because I am me and not them. I know everyone takes his/her own time to accomplish things..I know I have my all life in front of me...for me to become a doctor and accomplish my goals. But sometimes it's so hard not to feel like a failure or under a lot of pressure.

In her book, Liz Murray writes that when she got her blank transcripts from her new high school, she thought of them as "a clean slate"..a symbol of hope and of the new life she was starting to build for herself. And then,pencil in hand, she filled them with rows of As..the As she knew she could take if she worked hard. The As she NEEDED to take..in order to come out of that dark hole life had put her into.

In her book she also writes,she often pictured a runner in her head. A runner who would run her own run which was full of obstacles to overcome and who would never give up until she got to the finish line. She herself was the runner. And the obstacles were..well,the obstacles she faced during her life changing journey. They were as simple as "I want to sleep all day,I'm tired and cold. Wait..I need to go to school though..that's more important than a few more minutes of sleep!".

I wish I could turn back time and be in first year again and have a "clean slate" as Liz calls it.

I can't do that.

But I can decide I'm worthy of fighting for my dreams.

I can decide to get up after I messed up.

I can decide to give school my best shot.

I can decide what kind of food to put into my body and be even healthier than I am now.

I can decide to adapt work outs to what I can do instead of getting angry at my CP because I can't do this or that move.

I can decide to do something for myself and get an higher English proficiency certificate I've been wanting to take for years. I will take it this year. It'll be my way to relax and hopefully my self esteem will benefit from it.

I can change some stuff about myself and about my situation.

I can choose to have my goals in mind every morning when I get up,like I did when I was in High School.

I can't turn back time and I can't change everything.

Liz also writes every day is a clean slate..every day is a chance for you to change.

My clean slate starts today.

I wrote for almost 2 hours..holy smokes. It felt so good but know I gotta go and do some serious review!

Those As won't write themselves,will they?

random thoughts

Dear future daughter...

3:52 AM

Dear future daughter,

hello! It's mummy here.

Crazy how I'm writing you a letter when you're not even here yet..uh?

Yes,I am aware of this.

But you're gonna learn that mummy is a writer and a softie so she does crazy things like this sometimes!

I know it might be a little too early for me to think about you right now...I'm sure many years are going to go by before you come.

Princesses need to take their sweet time,after all.

I am still writing you this letter though because ,deep inside, I know you will be here,one day.

I don't yet know what your name will be( I have some in mind though and I'm in love with two of them in particular) nor how you'll look like...I can only try and picture your face in my mind,when my evil monster gives me a break from all the torturing(more about this later).

I hope you'll get my hair..the only thing about my physical appearance that I like.

I hope you will be confident and fearless.

I hope you will be strong and resilient.

I hope you will be kind,caring and sweet.

I hope you will know the power of compassion and empathy.

I hope you will know the power of gratitude,hope and kindness and use it in your daily life.

I will try my best to raise you as best as I possibly can and to teach you these said things.

Gosh..these are so many things already! There's already so much I'd like to teach you,so be prepared to learn a lot!

I'm gonna introduce you to English as soon as possible..like your Nana did with me,in the hopes you'll love it as much as I did then and do now.

But don't worry..I won't force you to do anything you don't want to or to like things you clearly don't!

English has always been very important to mummy,you know?

It means..freedom to me. It's a bit complicated to explain..just know that if I were asked to write this letter in Italian, I couldn't do it.

I hope you too will find something similar. Something that means freedom to you. Maybe it will be a sport? Or playing an instrument? Or baking?

Whatever you want.

I don't know why but I think you'll love sports.

Maybe it's because I'm quite lazy and I don't like sports much..so I hope you won't be like me!

I will try my best to support you in every way possible..with your choices and with how you decide to live your life.

Whatever you decide to do,I will always be your number one fan.

I hope you will never be afraid of talking to me and telling me whatever you want or whatever is going on in your mind.

I hope you will have the strength and the courage to follow your dreams.

I used to have those,you know?

Now I'm going through a rather rough period of my life and they seem to be playing hide and seek. But I'll find them back!

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they say.

I hope you will never have to deal with an evil monster like the one I seem to be dealing with right now. She's horrible.

I hope you will learn that sometimes you need not to give a monkeys of what people tell you and have to go after what you want despite their bad words.

If you happen to be anything like me(I hope you won't be!),it might take you some time to master this.

I myself am still learning how to do it

But I'll learn it,one day soon...and you will too.

Here comes the most difficult part of this letter. I don't know how to write this.

As you grow older,you might start to notice that mummy has a bit of an issue with walking and uses a walker as an aid. You might notice that,as you grow older and bigger..mummy can't hold you and carry you around much anymore.

You might notice that mummy is a bit different from the other mums you see... that she gets tired often and needs to take her walker with her everywhere she goes.

You don't have to be scared of this.

It's called cerebral palsy or CP for short. It's not progressive,nor contagious. You see..when I was born,I was 13 weeks earlier and I had some problems..the most serious of them affected my brain and caused me to have CP.

To be completely honest with you,even though I've been living with this my all life..I still hate it sometimes. I am not proud of this..but sometimes I do.

A couple of days ago I was asked if I could hold a baby..in a bad rhetorical way,as to say "oh poor you,do you really think YOU can do it? If you do,there must be something seriously wrong
with you".

And after that I was made fun of because I said I want to become a pediatrician.

I felt so terrible. Like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and crashed in a million pieces.

I've been keeping myself as busy as I possibly could in order not to think of it.

See? I told you I still have to learn how to deal with bad things people tell me in a better way.

I suck at it still.

Last night though..I remembered of a scene I wrote some time ago.

Yes, you're probably gonna hear a lot about mummy's writing as you grow up. So you better get used to it hihihi.

In the scene,my protagonist is almost 7 months pregnant with her 3rd child and she goes grocery shopping with her youngest daughter,who's 2 and a half. At her request of never letting go of her hand while they're shopping,the little girl asks her if she can hold her and carry her around instead.

Now..since my protagonist is heavily pregnant and having a difficult pregnancy,she can't do that.

So she takes a shopping cart,picks her daughter up and makes it so she's sitting comfortably in it. So everyone is happy,both her and her little girl.

When I remembered of this scene..I felt relieved.

And I smiled and felt a lot better than I had been feeling all weekend.

I finally realised that person's words were wrong.

Of course my situation is gonna be a bit different than my protagonist's (well..unless I have other kids after you,as I hope to)..but I too have weight bearing and tiredness issues due to my CP..that might cause me not to be able to carry you around.

But..as my protagonist does in the scene,I too can find other ways to deal with this "problem". I too might make you sit in a shopping cart for example. (Shopping carts are super fun by the way! I loved sitting in them as a kid!)

You see,sweetheart..I'm learning,day by day,that yes..I am different from others. Yes,I have CP and maybe depression and anxiety as well.

I have them. They don't have me.

It's hard some days..I am not gonna lie.

But..I am trying to learn that I can still do things despite my illnesses/disabilities.

That my goals are..realistic still. They might be more difficult to accomplish yes,but it's indeed possible for me to accomplish them.

I can still become a pediatrician and I can still be the best mother I can possibly be to you.

This letter was about you and it has become about me..mummy rambles sometimes and tends to go off topic.

Sorry about that.

I hope..by the time you come, I'll have managed to have a better relationship with my monsters.

I hope you will be as proud of me,as I'll be of you.

I don't know you yet nor I have met you yet,but I know you will be amazing.

I know I will be so proud of you.

With all my love,

Mummy

https://youtu.be/0kLs4VdfFlQ

random thoughts

A note on gratitude..

6:25 AM

On Thanksgiving,people all over the United States,gather around a table full of yummy food to say what they're thankful for.

Now..as many of you know,I'm not American so I've never celebrated Thanksgiving.

As far as I know..Thanksgiving is about spending time with family and most of all about gratitude.

Gratitude.

In the past year,I've learned that gratitude is not only a great feeling to live life by,but also a very powerful state of mind.

In fact..having an attitude of gratitude can make or break your day.

Having an attitude of gratitude can make you look at life differently.

Pretty impressive,uh?

Gratitude is powerful.

Even when I feel at my worst,when the little evil monster that houses my mind wakes up and starts telling me bad things,I've found that if I focus on what I'm grateful for,I actually feel better. A lot better.

Gratitude is a powerful weapon to fight against my naughty little monster. When I manage to stop,look around and actually think about what I'm grateful for..the monster suddenly loses its power.

So..what or,most of all, who am I grateful for? Thinking of whom helps me in my fight against my evil monster?

I'll try and make a little list.

First of all..I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for my mum,who can always understand when I feel down..who can cook the yummiest food in the entire world and is always ready to give me a hug.

I'm grateful for my dad..who always buys me my favorite chocolate,makes me laugh and always wants me to kiss him goodbye before I leave for school.

I'm grateful for my brother,for all his pranks and all the annoying songs he loves singing in my ear when I'm trying to focus.

I'm grateful for my uncle,for his funny text messages and for the fact that,to this day still,he often calls me princess.

I'm grateful for my aunt,for the super yummy food she cooks,for the driving lessons she gives me, for

the tv shows we enjoy watching together.

I'm grateful for my other aunt...because we're basically the same person. I'm grateful for her... for all the times she helps me out,for all the times I called her in tears and she fixed me.

I'm grateful for my cousin..for the fact that he is always positive,for the fact that he gifted me a stethoscope and my walker...for the fact that he tells me I can become a doctor and shows me he believes in me.

I'm grateful for my walker..because it has changed my life and gave me the key to independence.

I'm grateful for my puppy..for his chewing on socks,licking my face and just being adorable all the time.

I'm grateful for my friends.
I'm grateful for Nicoletta because..after 6 long years,she's still by my side.
I'm grateful for Valentina,for all her calls during 5 years of school,for coming over to see me last year on Christmas Eve.
I'm grateful for Giacomo,for being the best deskmate ever.
I'm grateful for Tullio..for his kindness.
I'm grateful for Sara and her family, for the fact that they basically adopted me for a few hours every Saturday for 8 months,for the fact that they believed in me more than I did...for the yummy food and the laughs we shared together.
I will be forever grateful for Sara(yes,another Sara) for introducing me to writing when we were 10. Thank you. So much.
I'm grateful for Beatrice,for her kindness and sweetness. For the fact that she wipes my tears when I need her to,reads my stories and is genuinely interested in them. For her: "I cried when I read that scene,I love your writing".
I'm grateful for Erica and Betty..for our talking about food and our "English lessons" during lunch break.

I'm grateful for Elly..for her sweetness and kindness..for her "we'll go check out that shop together next time if you want".
I'm grateful for Luisa,for our afternoon together eating ice cream and strolling around the mall..for the passions we share,for her kindness.

I'm grateful,so grateful, for my Twitter friends.
If they had told me I would have made so many friends and would have gone through so many experiences thanks to social media..I'm sure I wouldn't have believed a word. But I did meet so many wonderful people,learned so many things..all thanks to a Twitter profile I made on a whim,3 years ago.
I have so many Twitter friends to be grateful for.
I'll try to make a list of them..but it's not easy,they're so many!
Well...let's start.
First of all,I'm grateful for Lyss,without whom I wouldn't have joined Twitter.

I'm so incredibly grateful for Fi because she's so amazing and she has taught me so much..because she has taught me what incredible power lies in an attitude of gratitude and how to love myself. I would be weak and powerless against my evil monster,if it wasn't for her.

Thank you so so much Fi. You are amazing and you rock!!
I'm so grateful for Liz..for everything she does for me. For our Skype calls,for our yoga sessions,for her teaching me how to pronounce some words correctly while I teach her Italian. For the hours of time difference separating us.. for our watching Grey's Anatomy "together",for our being each others' alarm clock,for her being there for me when my grandpa passed and I was sad and alone...for her being amazing.
Thank you. So much.
I'm grateful for Jess who is amazing and was there for me when I was crying all my tears on the couch,unable to stop. You are amazing,dear.
I'm grateful for Maria,for her amazing passion and drive,for her wonderful neuroethics video,for how inspiring she is and for her being simply amazing. You go,girl!
I'm grateful for @CraveHappy1 for telling me I could make it through Gen Chem and that I shouldn't give up on my dream of becoming a doctor.
I'm grateful for @FutureNYBSN because she's always so sweet and kind and she's always there for me...because she told be being a doctor is in my blood and that I have a big heart.
I'm grateful for @doctormeowskis and @studentdoctordiva who taught me the power of resilience and hardwork.

I'm grateful for @biologyinheels who was among the first people to tell me my worth was based on me.

I'm grateful for @BrunetteMDToBe who was there for me when I was broken and who is always so sweet and kind to me.

I'm grateful for @sassymd for telling me I was bright.

I'm grateful for Vick and @AnnoyedandTired because they read my blog and they believe in me.

I'm grateful for Ruth,for her passion and resilience,for her being my friend...for her being an absolute star. You are amazing,keep going!

I'm grateful for Xan..for his being there for me when I needed him,for his kind words,for the time he spent dreaming with me..for the fact that he made me feel good.

I'm grateful for Andrew,who called me "drop dead gorgeous".

I'm grateful for @premedicalpug because she told me not to cancel my profile.

I'm grateful for @docA because she simply rocks. Because she talks to me and she's my friend.

I'm grateful for @sicklecelldoc because she's one of my role models and she's so amazing.

I'm grateful for @lauralacquer and @andreatooley..for their blogs and videos,for how much they inspire me,for them being such good role models to me.

I'm grateful for @premed_odyssey and @rn_soontobe because they believe in me.

I'm grateful for @bipolarblogger and @thefinch because they are amazing. I'm grateful for Giulia(@MMMjuliette)because she's so amazing and supportive of me and my dream of becoming a doctor. You rock.

I'm grateful for Theresa because she's so amazing and sweet,she's a great nurse and she inspires me so much.

I'm grateful for Sofia because she is just so so amazing and sweet. For the fact that she's there when I need her,for the fact that she loves reading my stories and she takes a minute to tell me what she thinks about them.

I'm grateful for Hannah..for her attitude,for her calling me "star", for #chronicmedics.

I'm grateful for Clare..for her being there for me when I need her,for her coming up with ideas for a present I had to make.

I'm grateful for Amanda,for being one of my role models and for telling me I'm going to be an amazing pediatrician.

I'm grateful for Magali for her being so sweet and kind,for her talking to me,for her being my

friend.

I'm grateful for Sarah..for teaching me one can love both medicine and humanities at the same time.

I'm grateful for Sarah(yes,another Sarah) for her correcting my wrong English every time. Grazie mille,cara.

I'm grateful for Liz..for her sweetness and kindness,for her blog,for her sending me yummy recipes.

I'm grateful for Becky because she's so sweet,kind and strong and because she's my friend.

I'm grateful for Emily because,no matter how bad she's feeling,she always has a kind word for me.

I'm grateful for Joe,for his help in chemistry and for him being among the first people to wish me happy birthday.

I'm grateful for Scott,for his being there for me when I was broken.

I'm grateful for Kate for her being so sweet and kind to me,for her nominating me in a challenge.

I'm grateful for Bianca..for her kindness,for our multi language chats.

I'm grateful for Kasia because she's simply amazing.

I'm grateful for Laura..for her Skyping to me on my birthday.

I'm grateful for Katie,for everything she has done for me.

And,last but not least,I'm grateful for the people who left me because they taught me I could get up on my own.

Thank you.

life

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

11:56 AM

Last week, we have repainted the walls of the whole house so I had to take off my bedroom's walls all the posters I had put up there with a friend 10 years ago.

Seeing those walls white is weird.

It's kinda depressing.

I'm planning on putting inspiring stickers on them. I'm just not used to see them white.

They make me realize I've grown up from a kid into a girl who's now slowly turning into a woman.

I ..realize I've grown up when I no longer see Greek books and dictionaries on my shelves..which are now loaded with chemistry books and question banks for the admission test to med school.

I realize I've grown up when I see that now my bookshelves are full with memoirs of famous doctors. ..the other books I used to read years ago have been relocated to the back of the shelves because I don't read them that much anymore.

Most of all..I realize I've grown up when I read old chapters of my story I wrote years ago and I think: "Holy moly...did I really write this? Jeez..I'm old!".

I realize I've grown up when I find myself thinking one day I'd love to get married and have kids..whose names I might have been thinking of already.

I realize I've grown up when I think about med school and the career I chose to go into and..I found myself being excited but also really scared a about a lot of things.

I realize I've grown up when I realize the protagonist of my story (which represents who I want to be)and I aren't that different anymore.

I realize I've grown up when I close my eyes and I actually can see myself as a doctor.. white coat,stethoscope and all.

On the other hand..I realize I'm the same as 2,4,even 5 years ago when I see my old stuffed animals laying on my bed.

When I write happy scenes where my protagonist is living the perfect life I'd love to have.

When I cry and stress out about what people think. When I get super mad about not being able of doing something.

When I think about what I've been told and I'm afraid those people were right.

When I get sad because I can't stand on my feet for a lot of time because of my CP.

When I accidentally spill some liquid on the floor while walking..due to my CP.

When I feel like I'm a waste of space.

When..no matter what I do,my hair looks terrible and my glasses are always dirty(no matter how much I wash or clean them..it's frustrating!).

When I start feeling like I'm an horrible person on so many levels and I start thinking no one ever will want to be my friend for a long time because of a reason unknown to me.

And..so yes... " I'm not a girl,not yet a woman".*

* The title of the blog post is actually the title of a song by Britney Spears called "I'm not a girl,not yet a woman"

life

I'll do my very best

6:48 AM

About 3 weeks ago, I went in for an eye doctor's appointment. I was very excited about that because I hadn't had a eye doctor's appointment in a while and also because I couldn't wait to meet my new ophthalmologist. The appointment was on a Saturday,at around 7 30 PM. Before I started getting ready for it, I was so excited and also a little bit nervous. Thankfully I talked with a dear friend of mine, with whom I shared my excitement and nervousness. After we finished talking, I felt a lot better- it's just so good to have friends who share the same passions as you! Then, I got ready and my mum and I drove to the appointment. We took my walker with us as well, of course! I can't live without it!

After a 15 minute drive,we got to the doctor's office. What caught my attention first as soon as we got into the building was that it was just so...homey. The waiting room in particular instantly made me feel at ease. Seriously. At some point I felt like I was back home... in my own living room. There were two really comfy looking red couches, a little glass table and some chairs. On two walls there were several paintings; I think they were from Gaugin,or so they seemed to me. (I hope I'm right...after 3 years of Art History, it would be bad if I weren't!) On another wall there was a big poster about a research my doctor had performed as well as many framed diplomas she had been awarded of during her training and to be honest, as soon as I got in, the poster was what caught my eye first.

After less than 5 minutes of waiting,the doctor called my mum and I in. She smiled at us right away and she kindly told us to take a seat. Then she asked me why I was there and she started taking a history. I felt at ease with her... right away. She checked my retina and my eyes, acting calmly and precisely. She paid attention to my needs, to how I felt. She was also really friendly. For example, she asked me about school and about what school year I was in. When I told her I was in a biotech program, she told me she had a PhD in the subject and it fascinated me. However, after she finished checking on my retina and on my vision, she dilated my pupils with atropine eye drops, in order to check my eyes' fundi( note: according to the Latin I studied, this should be the plural for "fundus"Let me know if I am right). She also told me I had dry eyes and she explained what findings had lead her to that particular diagnosis...and it was so interesting! Then she wrote me a prescription for new glasses and fake tears, and she answered some questions my mum and I had. When we had to leave, I was sad.

Once we got home, I felt so inspired, so bubbly and happy. Truth is, the appointment and the doctor herself made me think. I loved everything about how my doctor acted with me. As I said, she had been kind, patient and most of all, she made me feel at ease,instantly. She talked to me directly, and she made me feel comfortable. I wasn't scared of talking to her,of asking her whatever I wanted to. With her, the invisible brick wall that seems to be present between me and my professors (for example) these days just wasn't there anymore. It felt amazing. I didn't feel like my questions were too dumb to ask or like I couldn't talk to her. I just felt at ease.

As I said earlier, all of this made me think. I've always wanted to become a doctor. In the past, I thought this goal of mine was impossible for me to reach and I tried so so hard to forget about it. To this day, I still cannot forget. Not a day goes by without me thinking about how much I love medicine and about how much I'd love to become a doctor. I decided I'll try my very best in order to eventually become a physician and make my dream come true. I'm not saying I'll make it. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. I'm just saying I want to try and give myself a chance. I want to fight for my dream. I want to become the best physician I can possibly be.

I want to be kind,sweet and fun. I want my patients to trust me. I want to be that doctor who takes the time to explain to a patient everything about his or her disease and about how to treat it. I don't want to be famous, or the head of the department. I just want to be the best physician I can possibly be. I want to be that doctor who sits at a patient's bedside to offer comfort.

Some of you may already know that for now my 2 favorite specialties are pediatrics and OB/GYN.

So, if I go into pediatrics, I want to be that doctor who has colored band aids and candies in her white coat pockets...at all times. I want to be that doctor who knows the name of this or that patient's favorite teddy bear. I want to be that doctor who plays with the kids.I want to make them understand that my walker isn't scary but it is in fact a very helpful and fun piece of equipment for me.

If I end up going into OB/GYN, I want to be that doctor who comforts a scared first time mum, taking the time to explain to her everything she wants to know about this or that. I want to be that doctor that understands her patient's fears and who is always there for her, whether she's complaining about heartburn or about something more serious. I want my patients to feel at ease with me- I want them to understand they can tell me everything. If I have a patient with an high risk pregnancy, I want to be that doctor who understands(or at least tries to understand) how she must be feeling. I want to be that doctor who's there for her patients, always.

I want to be able to show my patients (especially the little ones, if I go into pediatrics) that having a disability or a disease doesn't make a person a burden or a bother for others, and it doesn't mean that that particular person has to limit his/her aspirations or dreams. I just want to be the best doctor I can possibly be and the best version of myself I can possibly be. And no matter how difficult it's gonna be, I'll try my best. I still have a bumpy and long long road ahead of me, and,I would lie if I said it doesn't scare me. It does scare me. A lot. It scares me so so much. But..as I said...I'll try my very best.

Pages

ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

Anything is possible: Meet Eleonora! (FIRST GUEST POST!!)

Instead of saying...(free flow of thoughts)

About "embracing the glorious mess that you are.."

AVRAI...

Dear future daughter..

Why is it called "According to my own clock?"

A clean slate..

Dear future daughter...

A note on gratitude..

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

I'll do my very best

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