CP

Don't let it destroy you. Let it empower you.

2:03 AM

Who knows me knows I'm a writer. 
I started writing original stories when I was 12..so it's gonna be 10 years soon..ahhh.
I've been thinking about why I started writing about Liz (aka my protagonist. She's a pediatric benign hematologist who  trained in Boston and moved back home to Southern California after her husband passed. She has 3 kids. In the past she has suffered from depression and anxiety and one of her biggest passion and commitments is to advocate for children's mental health).
I've come to the conclusion that I did that to deal with feelings of loneliness and self loathing that started haunting me when I was in junior high.
The other kids were mean to me. 
They treated me like a burden and a bother because of my CP. 
I was always on my own and would make people copy my homework to earn their love.
As the time went by,I got more and more convinced I was someone worth hating. That there was something inside me that pushed people away.
I started hating myself. 
So I thought I would create a better version of myself. 
Someone who represented everything I wanted to become and more.
That's who Liz is.  
To my dismay when I am stressed or down I get angry at myself because I am not "her" yet. 
When I find myself slipping into this stupid self pity  thing,I try to stop and think rationally. 
Here is what I try to tell myself.
- I cannot be the adult super cool version of her yet.
I'm 22.
-She struggled too. I write openly about both her struggles and my own,in order to deal with them.
Struggling is normal.
-Not even her(aka the person I wanna become) is always perfect or beautiful or always has everything together.
So why the heck should I be?
-I created her starting from a mix of who I was and who I want to become. 
I am not exactly her yet. That's okay.
Strive for progress,not perfection.
Cherish every little accomplishment,every little tiny baby step.
One way or another..it will be worth it.
.
.
Now I wanna tell you something. Whether you are a writer or  just someone with big goals and dreams,whether you are a pre med,a doctor,a pre law student,an athlete..a person with a big project for his or her life..listen up.
If you too have an "Elizabeth" (aka the future version of yourself you're striving to become. I gave her a name because I happen to like writing. Yours might not have a name,or might just be called like you..it's you after all!) in your life,that's okay. 
That's great.
It helps to have precise goals for your life. 
But please..never get angry at yourself because you're not that person yet.
Please never hate yourself because you're not there yet.
Please let that person empower you. 

Don't let it destroy you.

CP

Don't give up!

11:13 AM

Dear Depressed Em,
Clear your mind of "I can't do this,this and this because of this,this and this".
Doctors thought you would die and you didn't. You fought and won your first battle with only a little bruise as a reminder. You're gonna have to live with this "bruise" that is CP for the rest of your life..but hey,you two are starting to get along,right?
You thought you wouldn't survive high school because the course you chose was "hard" and "too difficult" and you "weren't smart enough" for it. Remember how many sleepless nights you had,during the summer before freshman year? Remember how much you cried in a pillow at night..because you were scared?
It was hard,yes. But you gave it all you had and in the end you graduated top of your class and won a scholarship.
You won one of the 2 scholarships available for your entire school district. YOU did it.
The same person who cried and cried in a pillow because she was so so scared of not making it through high school. Because she thought she wasn't smart enough for it. 
You applied to med school because it has always been your dream..and because you can't see yourself as anything else but a doctor,after all.
Then..you didn't get in for a variety of reasons..and life started not to go "according to plan". You cried for 3 days straight,remember? But then you got up and kept studying because you had to graduate.
Then..a mean person you trusted because you looked up to her told you becoming a doctor "wasn't realistic" for you. 
And that was the final straw. 
You didn't want to get out of bed when you were on study leave and supposed to review for your exams. You studied only because you had to help your friends..and to this day,you're so grateful to them..and 75% of your grade and scholarship should actually go to them.
You started biotech..at the beginning you were so excited about it and planned to get out of there and reapply to med school ASAP. But then..you started doubting yourself..more than you'd ever done before.You hated biotech..and still do.. self doubt ate you alive and paralysed you more than CP ever did. 
It still does. And..the "I can't,I can't I can't" returned..stronger than ever.
You tried to hate medicine because a part of you(or depression) was like "a doctor? You? Come on,are you kidding? You are..you. You...have CP,you are not smart. Everyone around you..they don't think you can do it..they think you're crazy" . But you failed. Your love for medicine got even stronger but at the same time..your depression got stronger as well. Some days it's so hard. Some days you don't care..you don't wanna get out of bed,you believe nothing is worth it,you believe your life is a waste and you just want to sleep forever. It's horrible.
But..guess what? Depression hasn't won yet. You are fighting. The old,determined you..is still in there. You lost 13 kg and walked for 8 km. You passed all your exams last semester. You wore shorts and a tank top and actually felt good in them. You learned to walk in flip flops. You got A on your human physiology exam.
Tiny things,yes. But things that you didn't think you could do this time last year.
You are fighting and you are working towards your huge goals list..even though you always feel like you never do enough and comparison is always there,lurking. 
"No matter how slowly you go,as long as you don't stop" they say.
 Keep going. Rest if you must..but don't give up. Take your time.

Have faith. Stay positive. Don't quit..you're gonna regret it. 

Don't give up...and one by one,you're gonna turn your "I can't"s into "I can"s. 

With love,
The Best Version of You.

.

mental health

A clean slate..

11:59 AM

Yes,I know I should be reviewing because my physiology exam is in a week and I want and NEED to do super well on it. But first..I need to write this down.
Two days ago I was sitting at my laptop trying to review but my eyes were teary and burning and I wouldn't stop yawning..don't you hate when that happens?
So I decided I had to read something other than my study material in order to reactivate my brain. I stumbled into a PDF of a book I forgot I had in my laptop "Breaking Night" by Liz Murray. I finished re-reading before lunch today and it made me cry. It's so beautiful...check it out if you haven't.
Elizabeth "Liz" Murray was born in 1980 in New York from heroin and cocaine addicted parents who loved her but would do anything for some more drugs. She grew  to protect them and help them in any way she could. She was especially close to her mother,Jeanie,who,on top of everything, was an alcoholic. 
In the book,Liz goes through all her life from early age to when she's 18. 
When she's about 17,Liz finds herself homeless because the old apartment she lived in with her parents got demolished,her dad lives in shelter and her mum and older sister,Lisa,live with a rather abusive and mean man,known simply as 'Brick' who initially was kind to Jeanie but then started treating her like garbage. Jeanie had always suffered from mental illness and was declared HIV positive when Liz was about 15.
After her mum died from AIDS,Liz realised she had to change what she could about the situation she was in..and that  the only thing she could change was her education. 
So she went back to school,completed  4 years of high school in 2 years and received a 12.000$/year scholarship for her to pay for college.
And on top of everything she got accepted to Harvard where she went for her undergraduate and graduate studies..eventually becoming a counsellor and motivational speaker. 
Amazing,right?
I realised..when I read about Liz having this dream of going to High School  and getting all As..going to college and graduating and making something good out of herself and her life..and knowing that she could at least TRY to do that..I realised I used to be exactly like her.
Driven. Determined. Hard working. Hopeful. But then..my last year of high school was so stressful and busy..I didn't get into med school and right before my final exams I fell in such deep depression and was so sad and exhausted I didn't want to get out of bed.
Then I graduated with high grades,won a scholarship and started feeling better...and looking at the future with a smile and hope. I applied to biotech and biology program,knowing that it wasn't what I wanted to do,but planning to drop out as soon as I got more independent and got  into med school.
But then.. my grandpa passed away,people started paying money to get into med school at the point that there were so many people following lectures that they had to sit on the floors. Now..I could have paid for my admission with my very own money from the scholarship..I could have got into a med school that was 3 hours from home. But despite it being completely unethical for everyone but the people who had been involved in the all papers stealing thing, I knew overcrowded schools weren't the right thing for me. I knew I yet wasn't independent enough to go to med school and on top of everything else..biotech had damaged my self esteem,taking it from low to virtually non existent. I sat a long 3 part multiple choice exam and barely passed despite giving it my all..studying as much as I possibly could. From there..everything got even worse and went downhill. I started getting more and more anxious and depressed..loathing every little bit of my being.
When I saw that I  had barely passed despite giving it my all..I thought "What else should I do? I gave it my all..I don't have  anymore to give. I was used to get good grades if I worked really really hard like I did for this exam. I can't possibly work any harder. If I suck at this stupid biotech thing,I have no chances in Med School. I give up. I'm a freakin' failure. I just wanna sleep.  And don't wake up anymore".
I was scared of sitting exams...I would postpone them and tell myself I would have done them "later" and then loathe myself even more because of that.
I still do this..even though I am trying my best,I seem not to have found what study method works for me or how can I get good grades,like my seemingly perfect classmates I can barely stand do. I'm still scared of tiny things and beyond stressed and although I sat more exams than last year and my grades were better than those this year..I still am nowhere I should be. As a former top student(I was one of the two people in my school district who were given a scholarship. And no. High School in Italy is not a walk in the park..I have pretty much the same knowledge a Ancient Literature college graduate would have,I checked ;) ) who worked her butt off  everyday but was rewarded with good grades..seeing that working as hard as I can isn't enough anymore broke me. It made me scared and stole that little bit of self confidence I had from me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a bit jealous of my classmates who seem perfect(seem is the key word here) and study and get great grades..and are beautiful and confident. I maybe need to get closer to them and learn from them..but being around them makes me feel like a huge failure. Darn pride.
I know I have  to think about my own path and don't give a monkeys about others' because I have my own goals and dreams and because I am me and not them. I know everyone takes his/her own time to accomplish things..I know I have my all life in front of me...for me to become a doctor and accomplish my goals. But sometimes it's so hard not to feel like a failure or under a lot of pressure. 
 In her book,  Liz Murray  writes that when she got  her blank transcripts from her new high school, she thought of them as "a clean slate"..a symbol of hope and of the new life she was starting to build for herself. And then,pencil in hand, she  filled them with rows of As..the As she knew she could take if she worked hard. The As she NEEDED to take..in order to come out of that dark hole life had put her into. 
In her book she also writes,she often pictured a runner in her head. A runner who would run her own run which was full of obstacles to overcome and who would never give up until she got to the finish line. She herself was the runner. And the obstacles were..well,the obstacles she faced during her life changing journey. They were as simple as "I want to sleep all day,I'm tired and cold. Wait..I need to go to school though..that's more important than a few more minutes of sleep!". 
I wish I could turn back time and be in first year again and have a "clean slate" as Liz calls it.
I can't do that. 
But I can decide I'm worthy of fighting for my dreams. 
I can decide to get up after I messed up. 
I can decide to give school my best shot. 
I can decide what kind of food to put into my body and be even healthier than I am now.
I can decide to adapt work outs to what I can do instead of getting angry at my CP because I can't do this or that move. 
I can decide to do something for myself and get an higher English proficiency certificate I've been wanting to take for years. I will take it this year. It'll  be my way to relax and hopefully my self esteem will benefit from it.
I can change some stuff about myself and about my situation.
I can  choose to have my goals in mind every morning when I get up,like I did when I was in High School.
I can't turn back time and I can't change everything.
Liz also writes every day is a clean slate..every day is a chance for you to change.
My clean slate starts today. 

I wrote for almost 2 hours..holy smokes. It felt so good but know I gotta go and do some serious review!
Those As won't write themselves,will they?




mental health

A conversation with Evie..

12:18 PM



I don't know where this blog post is gonna get to,what direction it's gonna take. 
To be be honest,I don't even know if this is gonna be a proper blog post or just a series of random thoughts put together.
I haven't blogged in a while. 
To be honest,I haven't written much these days either. I do have some ideas for new scenes and I have to rewrite the grocery shopping scene (see my last blog post for more info about it) and hopefully post it on here when it's done. 
But..I just didn't get around to actually elaborate and transform my ideas into a proper story.
This morning I felt so sick that I decided to take a break from Twitter because Evie has woken up again and started bothering me again.
She brought her big guns with her,too. Comparison is one of the most dangerous and powerful weapons she loves to hurt me with.  
It leads to self loathing and isolation(feeling like I should be left alone forever or strongly wishing I could become one with the walls),hence the Twitter break.
I don't know how long my break will last,I hope it won't be too long. 
I hope Evie will get back to sleep soon.
Here is how a conversation with Evie usually goes. She usually starts bothering me at night,when I am in bed,trying to fall asleep..or in the morning,before I get up.
Evie: "Hey. I'm back! Did you miss me?"
Me: "No. Please,leave me alone. Go back to sleep".
Evie: "Oh no,I just woke up...I wanna have fun!"
Me: "No. Go away. "
Evie: "So..how did your day go?"
Me: "I had fun. My Twitter friends are lovely. They actually like me! And my friend B from uni and I had lunch together today..we talked! I think she likes me too. She's always so kind to me and she listen to what I say and she doesn't pretend I'm not there!"
Evie: "Mmmmm. Actually,she does not like you. She's kind because she pities you and she's gonna leave you. Everyone does,remember? You better not get attached as you usually do. Pathetic."
Me: "Shut up. And then there's my friend I. She's so sweet and kind. I love sitting with her at English. I help her. I love doing that. I missed helping people with homework and such. I love English class..I actually feel like the old me again. I feel..somewhat competent. I feel like I actually know something!"
Evie: "That's basic level,that's why you feel like you know something. If you were to take a more advanced level class,you wouldn't last 2 seconds. And you would fail at the only thing you're supposed to be decent at. You're not smart. You're not bright. You are a waste of space."
Me: "Shut up. Leave me alone".
Evie: "You need to leave Twitter for good..you're not smart enough to be on there and to talk to people. You don't even know what you're talking about most of the time! You're not  a med student,nor a doctor,nor someone smart or funny or caring or kind. You just bother."
Me: "I don't! I have friends on there..they are so kind..they like me. I like being part of the Twitter community. Now,could you please leave me alone? I want to write something."
Evie: "oh..that stupid grocery shopping scene? How cute. 
You know that' s stupid,don't you? 
You know those people were right,don't you?
You..will never have any of that.  Well..let me be kind,maybe you can have the saddest bits. 
Come on,seriously? You are..you. "
Me: "Oh yes..I..forgot. You're right. I am..me."
Evie: "you will never do that or anything else in life,for that matter. Wake up,Sleeping Beauty. No one really likes you. You're just a bother. Always been,always will be.
Me: "You're mean. *sobs* My friend L might come over this summer. She says she wants to hang out with me. So you're wrong. She's my friend."
Evie: "You are gonna bore her to tears. You are boring and not fun,remember?"
Me: "I..shut up, you,evil monster! That's not true!
Evie: "I beg your pardon?"
Me: "I meant..yes, ma'am. I remember."
Evie: "Now..that's better."




mental health

Anxiety..what a monster.

2:25 AM

Anxiety is horrible. 
You can think only about what's worrying you and you're trapped in your mind. You start having domino thoughts and that paralyses you. 
You want to cry to let it all out but you can't. 
Your mind races and you can't stop it. You can't sleep..you can't focus on anything but what you're worrying about.
You want to get moving but most of the time you're paralysed. 
You might get pins and needles. 
When you find the courage to open up to someone..most of the time you can't explain what you're feeling,what your fears are. 
Your mind races too fast for you to keep up and turn your thoughts into words and coherent sentences.
You can't sleep..you just keep tossing and turning in bed,until you realise you won't sleep anytime soon,so you decide to get up and try to distract yourself from your thoughts.
The point is..until you don't find an escape..a bit of a solution or something rational to  grip on while drowning in a sea of bad and sometimes irrational thoughts..the only thing you can think of is your worries and these said thoughts. You can try to study..to do work..to watch TV..to read or write..but for me,when I am having really bad anxiety, none of this does really work.
Turning on fairy lights and watch them..smelling candles(I was given 3 candles by a dear friend,I love them and I keep them on my desk ready to grab and smell when I need to) can help..at least it does for me.
But still,when you're having bad anxiety..you can't focus about anything else but your worries and bad thoughts. You somehow shut out everything else and the only thing you can focus on is the worst case scenario,that keeps playing and playing in your mind...over and over again.
You can't escape from this prison. Thinking rationally whilst dealing with bad anxiety is difficult.
But after feeling bad for a while..if you're lucky..you might remember of a dear friend who understands how you feel. You might tell him/her what you're thinking about and in the end you might come up with a little bit of rational thought for you to grip on to stay afloat your sea of bad thoughts. 
For example..yesterday,I myself,managed to text a dear friend whilst having really bad anxiety. 
I told her about what I was worrying/panicking about and she gave me her opinion about it.  
It helped me a lot..and after a while I came up with some bit of  a rational thought. 
Where I live, there's so much stigma about mental health and most  non medical people think mental health issues different than bereavement related depression and psychotic episodes/illnesses(schizophrenia ecc) don't even exist. Finding a good healthcare professional to help you with MH is so hard especially here and so it is to break the stigma surrounding these issues. Most people..are scared about MH issues or think someone caused them to himself or is feeling bad on purpose. Most MH issues have an actual physiological cause underlining them..for example,depression might be caused by low levels of serotonin and noradrenaline which can be measured with an LP(cfr Dr Tim Cantopher- Depressive Illness the curse of the strong) caused by the limbic system malfunctioning.
Mental illness is a real illness. I am trying to learn more and more about it and to find the strength to break this wall of fear and shame that surrounds it..in the hopes of asking for proper help to an healthcare professional..one day,hopefully soon,rather than later.

The point of all this rambling is..if you suffer from a mental health condition(or,in my case,you think you might be suffering from one)..try not to isolate. 
I know first hand reaching out is really hard. 
But try not to isolate. Reach out to a friend or to your parents or on your Twitter or wherever.
And don't be afraid of mental illness.
If you know that a friend of yours or someone you know is struggling..try to support him/ her.
As someone who might be suffering from depression as well as anxiety..I can tell you..talking to friends or to someone,really..can make you feel better.
From my experience,I can tell you that thinking of someone who' s struggling is never a bad thing. Of course you don't have to text that person every day..as that can be annoying. 
But..a text saying: "big hugs. Thinking of you".
Or even..if you're close, a little gift with a card..to say "I hope this little gift makes you smile".
Or even just..showing you care.
From  personal experience,I can tell you that can make a world of difference to someone who's struggling.

#EndTheStigma #SupportSystem #Anxiety #Depression

mental health

Comparison

9:15 AM



"Comparison is the thief of joy".
Who hasn't heard this saying at least once in their life?
It is a very wise,truthful and meaningful thought indeed.
 I just wish it was easier for me to remember about it and to apply it to my daily life.
As far as I remember..I've always compared myself to other people..especially in school.
I've always tried to be the best or at least among the best people in my class. And I was,most of the time.
Being good at school let me help my other classmates with homework and this was my favorite thing to do.
I would spend hours on the phone with a friend..explaining to her what this or that meant or how to translate this or that from Ancient Greek or Latin.
I just loved doing that..I felt like I had a place in my class..like I were..useful.
Then I graduated.
I got into my program...and I started struggling.
 I wasn't among the best anymore. I wasn't the one to whom people asked for help anymore.
I was used to ask people for help with my walking and such..but  the times I had asked help with homework were very few.
Comparison started becoming more and more present in my mind as the day went by. It was like an annoying voice I had at the back of mind that gradually got louder and louder.
Initially it was just a whisper,then it slowly turned into a loud scream that filled up my mind and made me unable to think about anything else...anything else than how worthless I was compared to other people
Here is what that evil voice told me(and still tells me):
" Do you see that girl there?
She's so beautiful. She's so sweet.She's so kind.
 She has a boyfriend and they seem so perfect together. Kids love her,she teaches little girls ballet.
She can cook and bake.
She's so clever..she loves math..she's so good at it that she tutors kids.
She writers poems. She's..amazing.
And you?
You are the complete opposite.
 You..hate math. You're anything but beautiful. You're not sweet..at least not outside of your stupid writing.
You can't write poems..only other..uhm..stuff. You don't have the courage to publish them because you can't stand harsh judgement.
You are nothing compared to her or to anyone of your friends.
You are nothing."
Sometimes this voice becomes so strong and so annoying that everything acts as a trigger. I am forced to take a break from Twitter.
I get quiet...because the voice tells me I should do my best to become invisible.
My writing becomes sad.
I become sad.
Comparison sucks.
Comparison is the thief of joy,indeed.
If only I remembered about it more often.

mental health

Monster brain attacks..

1:16 PM



I was having a good time..studying genetics from my textbook and loving every bit of it.
Then it hit me.
 I started worrying about stupid paperwork- like stuff for uni I haven't taken care of yet because every time I try to take my laptop and open that stupid glitchy  uni website..I just become so scared and anxious that I start shaking from top to toe and crying my eyes out.
I have no idea why. It just scares me to death.
I am afraid of making a silly mistake and lock myself out or cancel everything or stuff like that. I'm afraid  of being scolded and being called stupid and dumb.

Everytime I make a mistake..it acts like super food to my monster-brain.
Once it has been fed..my brain goes crazy and it begins acting like a monster to me..by telling me all sort of bad things.. By making me cry and shake like a leaf...by making me hate everything I was loving a minute earlier( in fact,I had to close my genetics textbook shut and to walk away. And I still want to throw "So many Everests"straight into the fire,and to delete all my drafts for the chapters from my phone. I cried on the Italian version of "For the first time in forever" because it was umbearable for me to listen to at the moment).

Here are some stuff my brain is telling me right now:
"You suck. You're horrible.
 You're the clumsiest person on the face of this planet. No one loves you..not even your parents or your puppy,even!
You will never be a doctor*evil laugh* because you are wrong for that job and you will never be enough..no matter what you do...no matter how much you love medicine.
You don't have friends..you will never have any.
No one likes you. People are kind to you just because they pity you. People pity you.
You are the most stupid,unworthy person ever.
You are 20 years old..for heaven's sake,would you stop dreaming?
You can't live out of dreams..mum told you,remember?
Hope doesn't exist..it's crap. Life sucks and will suck forever.
Suck it up,and,for heaven's sake,stop bothering.
She was right..being a doctor isn't realistic for you.
For heaven's sake..you need to stop writing that stupid crappy stuff..you're no longer 12,dear.
You will never have any bit of what you want because...news flash,you are you! And you suck.
Did you look at yourself in the mirror lately? You're ugly..nobody will ever want to date you,let alone marry you.
All your "friends" are perfect..you suck. All your "friends" have a boyfriend..you've never had one..doesn't that tell you anything about yourself?
You cheer up about stupid achievements like closing a plastic bag with a knot or braiding 3 strings...or peeling an apple. God,you are so pathetic.
You freak out about tiny things..everywhere you go,you get lost. You are afraid of getting trapped in elevators.
You are pathetic and horrible.
You are so stupid..and you write stupid fantasies.
You are so stupid.
You will never write that happy final scene because it's right for your silly little bubble to be full of sadness. It's how it has to be..it's more realistic than those stupid happy scenes you enjoyed writing years ago. Remember? You used to browse the Merck Manual for hours and hours in the summer nights because you had to do your stupid medical research for your stupid chapter.
And you used to lose the track of time while browsing through this or that coagulation disorder because it mesmerized you.
How pathetic.
You are stupid and dreams are crap. "





life

Talks. And feeling a bit better.

11:31 PM



I had a couple of very good days..although I've been feeling very sleepy all the time and I couldn't do much revision.
Today I really need to revise a lot and I'm kinda looking forward to it.
This week has been quite productive...on the non revision side of things,at least.
Of course I felt down last Tuesday..but I was prepared. I've just tried to keep myself as busy as possible,so that would be less painful,I guess.
I did some revision,a lot of chores(I found out I love doing laundry!),I finally sent out some packages(yay!) and I finally conquered my fears and anxieties and got some uni related stuff done.
Yes,it's lame..but going on my uni's website makes me super anxious,I have no idea why.

I also broke down on Friday afternoon..cried for a good hour and told my mum everything or almost everything
I told her about how I feel,about what my silly brain tells me from time to time,about how I don't like uni that much..about peer pressure and,most importantly,about how much I  love medicine and I want to do that in life.
Surprisingly,I found out she wasn't mad about it a couple of days ago. Apparently,she was worried about me.
I told her why I decided not to apply this year and how difficult has been for me to take such decision.
And how difficult has been for me to find out that I could have done a lot better than last time on that stupid admission test.
I told her that sometimes my brain tells me that I am "just me",I'm stupid and worthless and I can't do anything because I feel like I am never "enough".
I told her I knew that everyone has those feelings sometimes and that self doubt is human...but I feel like they crash me and play with me in any way they want..because sometimes I  have absolutely no control over them.
I told her sometimes it's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because I feel like there's no point. Because I lost hope and I'm sick.
I told her I've never talked to her about it before because I didn't want her to worry.
She told me I am amazing and caring and that I can do whatever I want.
She told me to try and get my degree even though I don't like it. I can and I will apply again to med school next year of after I graduate.
She also told me I can move to England after I graduate..so..whooohoo.
I don't really know if or how I'll do it but..I think the UK is definitely in my future..if not for moving there(and hopefully doing medicine there,maybe? *dreams*) at least for a long vacation.
I'm British at heart after all!
After we talked I felt a lot lot better. I actually couldn't stop dancing!

Today I feel more confident.
I feel like I actually have a chance and can become a doctor and do what I love.

I actually could write a happy-ish scene later. Because,let's say it, grey sad Liz is truly no fun.
I have a couple of ideas in mind and I think I finally picked out a name for the new character. But that's gonna be a secret until I write the "last" scene..that I'll probably publish on here if I can.

Soon I'll do the Starlight Award thing..I'm finally feeling up to it,I think. Thank you,Kate..for thinking about me. You're amazing.

I might blog more often..who cares if my English isn't perfect? ;)
After all..this has to be mostly for me,right? ;)



mental health

It's me we're talking about

1:52 AM

"It's ME we're talking about. ME. "
This is one of the thoughts that haunts me the most.  
It crashes me. It makes difficult for me to breathe...to sleep..to live.
I feel like I have Everest to climb( just like the protagonist of one of my favorite books) like I try and try but I can't climb it.
I wish I were like those people who don't seem to have dreams..or at least who can settle.
I wish all of this was easier. 
I wish I didn't have CP..I wish I was more independent and not so scared.
I wish I liked my course more. I try. I swear. 
There hasn't been 1 day since October when I didn't study. Once I had high fever,an headache and a terrible cough..but I still studied.
Even now that I am on holiday,I brought my chem textbook with me. I tried to study on the train..I try to study during the day..even though it's impossible because there are things to do,places to go,people visiting..it never ends. Plus..somehow,opening that textbook kinda makes me throw up and have some kind of anxiety attack.
"It's ME we're talking about. ME"
Here it is,again.
"You live in a fairytales..you live out of dreams".
"If you don't do well here,you have no chances in med school".
"You have to take Chemistry in med school..you know that,right? "
"You can't talk..you're not a doctor"
"You can't tell people you want to graduate as a doctor and then think about boys and love. It's weird"

Peer pressure also destroys me. I literally can't breathe when I see people who are only a little bit older than me and have a degree and are successful.
 I feel terrible and wrong..I feel like I'm a total failure.
Why is life so difficult?
Why can't I understand chem problems?
Why can I devour biology/medicine textbooks no problem?
Why is problem solving so difficult on me?
Why have I started to be ashamed of what I dream and want to do?
Maybe I was brought up like this.
Why do people look at me with compassion if I tell them I want to go to med school? 
Why is the admission process so stupid?
Why can't I help anyone..ever?
Why can't I help MYSELF?
Why do I always feel so helpless,scared and alone?
What's so wrong with me?

mental health

Am I a control freak?

12:42 AM

I cry. That's just something I do.  

I always cry..for different reasons.
I cry when I'm super angry. I cry to release all my fears,anxieties and worries. 
I cry when I'm sad and broken. 
I'm crying right now and I'm not really sure why.
Maybe because of all the reasons I wrote above..maybe because of none of them. Maybe because of something entirely different..maybe because of no reason at all.
That's funny..because I never cry(nor cried when I was younger) when I fall and,let's say,get hurt. My mum worries every time I fall..but I just smile and get up right away.
<< Don't worry,I'm fine>> that's what I always say.
I am a  tough cookie on the outside. I can pretend to be happy and to have everything under control.
On the inside however I'm a total mess. I don't know whether I've always been a mess or if I became one this past year.
I've always had my moments of crying..my summer late night hours where I couldn't sleep...all of these things. 
My thoughts..my "moments" ..they're like old friends to me. I know them..they know me. We can live together..with each other. I can kick them out of my mind for a little bit. Or at least..I was able to do that.
 Writing helped. Making up characters,lives,stories..places. Being transported into another world..into my little happy bubble on which I had control. Not having CP anymore..being beautiful and kind and smart. Having a nice job and a nice family. Of course,my characters too went through bad moments..but I mostly wrote about them being happy..with their simple yet perfect life. 
Now writing doesn't really help anymore. Sometimes I find myself hating and canceling stuff I wrote months ago..happy scenes. I find myself hating those. I start crying and getting mad. 
I know life is..life and you can't have total control over it..the same control you have when you write something.
 Sometimes I wish I had it.

mental health

Let's talk about it.

7:15 AM




WARNING:I'm no expert in the topic I'll talk about in this  post. I'm not a doctor,nor a therapist. I don't have any certified knowledge nor training. I honestly don't think I know much about the topic..nothing but what I learned and still learning from my very personal experience. Views are mine.

Let's talk about it.  Let's talk about depression and anxiety.
As I said above..I'm no expert whatsoever. I'm in fact barely out of my teens.
But I think depression and anxiety are very important topics and I'd like to talk about it.I,for one, have always been anxious. I'm anxious about everything...going places,seeing people,taking a test,going to a place I've never been before...you name it.
Since I was about 11 I've been terrified of going places..like little shops and stuff like that.
I'm not claustrophobic,it's not that. But after 5 minutes I've been into a shop,my brain disconnects,my heart starts pounding,I start shaking from top to toe.
I don't know why. 
Maybe it's because,after I've been on my feet for 5 minutes,I get super tired and I need to sit down and if I see no chairs around I start panicking.
It's really stupid. I know. But I can't always sit on the ground. And my CP and staying on my feet don't really get along.
Maybe now that I have my walker,this issue will be solved..as long as I take my walker with me everywhere I go.
Sometimes I get anxiety attacks that prevent me from living normally. Sometimes my fears and anxieties fill up my head so much that I literally cannot think about anything else(happened a couple of weeks ago).
Sometimes I get panic attacks. I start breathing faster and faster,my heart starts pounding,I start sweating, I get pins and needles all over my body,I can't walk straight and..-be prepared,this is weird- I start speaking and thinking only in English..that,as many of you already know,is my second language.
Yes,my brain is weird.
I've always been anxious about this or that. Anxiety is horrible.

I don't know whether I am depressed or not.
 I haven't been evaluated for that..nor I have been to a therapist recently.
I just get these..terrible moments where I feel like everything is falling apart..like everything is slipping out of control..like I were in a car and I had lost control over it.
Sometimes I have breakdowns..lasting up to 30 minutes. I cry,cry and cry until I feel better. 
Sometimes all the crying leaves me with puffy red eyes and makes it hard for me to breathe.
Sometimes I feel like I'm useless and a waste of space..a bother..a burden..a mistake.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't even be alive..that everyone would be better off without me.
During these horrible moments I actually thought about overdosing on pills and just getting over with it..but the rational part of me took over all the times.
Sometimes I don't want to get up in the morning.
Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever. 
Sometimes I feel like a horrible person and a failure. And it's not exam time only.
It's (almost) all the time since..October. 
Sometimes I just found myself thinking: "what's the point of trying? I'll end up being a burden and failure anyway. What's the point?".
I somehow convinced myself that my parents wouldn't have loved me anymore if I hadn't got good grades at uni and that made me so sick.  Thank God I now have their word it's not true and it's just my brain being silly.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to somehow show people I CAN do medicine...which is my passion(at least ,it's one of them) and what I want to do with my life.
I often feel like I'm not enough. 
Not clever enough. Not brainy enough. Not sweet enough. Not kind enough. Not enough.

The point of all this rambling though is not ranting about how blah I feel,about the problems I have and such. 
As I said..I do know I have anxiety. However I do not know if I could be diagnosed with proper depression or if it's just my stupid mind making up things.
Literally the only thing that works for me when I have breakdowns and anxiety attacks..is letting it all out..whether  by crying or writing..or emailing a  dear friend of mine who's always there for me..or going on Twitter where there are a lot of lovely people who are there to listen to me and talk to me.
I'm proud..I don't like asking for help and I'm terrified by the thought of bothering people or being  clingy and annoying. But I'm learning that I need help sometimes. That I am human. That I can be weak from time to time. That I don't always need to put up a brave face and push through pain...like it was nothing..like it didn't hurt. I'm learning to ask for help. 

As I said,I'm not a doctor nor an expert in the field..but..if you feel like I feel..please..talk to someone. A friend,a relative..a teacher. 
Or..if you don't want to talk because you don't want to bother or you can't talk..write down everything that goes through your mind..just to let it all out. No one has to read what you wrote. It's for you and for you only. 
You can cancel everything after you've done writing..without even reading through it once.
Please don't isolate. You don't deserve pain.  You don't deserve to be alone nor to suffer.  Easier said than done,I know.
Once you ask for help..once you find a friend..once you realize someone is indeed there for you,once you realize that you're not alone..little by little everything becomes more bearable.  
The sun will rise again..sooner or later. 
I promise.

life

Falling. And getting up.

3:57 PM



I literally have been tripping and falling since I was 4,which is when I learned to walk.
I used to fall all the time.
 And..little by little I started to learn how to get up.
It was difficult,my CP causes me to have balance issues and to walk in a funny way. But I got up. My way,but I did it.
I still do it. My way,with my time..but I do it. I get up when I fall.

I aced biology despite being sick.
I failed chemistry.
But I didn't cry like I thought I would have.
I'm just going to study better,differently(not really more because I think I'd go crazy) and I'll pass it.
By acing biology I proved to myself that I can do science.
That my brain still works and that I'm still a good student.
It might take me more time than most..but sooner or later I'll get into med school and be a medic and eventually a doctor.
I get mad at myself because my brain understands biology and foreign languages better than math or chem problems.
I start doubting myself,I start loosing faith in my dreams and I start feeling insignificant,stupid..not enough.
I used to fall a lot  when I was little.
I still fall..both physically speaking and academically speaking. I fell today.
But guess what?
I got up. And I'll try to do the same everytime I'll fall again in the future.
I'll get up..instead of giving up.
I got up today. I'll keep getting up.
CP doesn't have me..I have it. All those people who don't think I can make it..they don't have the power to break me.
I got up. I'll get up.
Giving up is not an option.

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