ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...: 2016

It's Christmas! And a cookie recipe!

10:34 AM

Hello,friends!
Long time no blogging!
Thanksgiving in the US was last Thursday and even though I(unfortunately)am not from the US therefore don't celebrate,I have only one thing on my mind right now: Christmas!!

This year I really wanna enjoy Christmas to the max,like I've always written in my stories but actually never done before.
I wanna shower my loved ones and my friends with love and presents,decorate the house,take care of each and every little detail and just try to enjoy every moment!
I decided I will go to the Midnight Mass this year as well since I haven't been able to go in a while.
I also have my Christmas outfit picked out..and praying they put on sale the shoes I decided to wear under it.
Any girl with CP knows that finding a pair of shoes that are both cute and CP friendly can be hard so..I'm really hoping they go on sale.
I usually am not this picky with outfits or shoes but I wanna look cute for once,even if it's just to spend Christmas Day at home with my family.

Well..besides the boring girl talk up there,my mind is all set on Christmas right now.
I just want to decorate the house,buy people presents(either in person or online..God bless Amazon!
Speaking of which,is anyone out there in love with the Amazon delivery guy?
Just me? Okay)..play Christmas carols (Andrea Bocelli's are my favourites) and sing to them,write Christmas scenes,wrap Christmas presents(or rather,practice doing that! ) and..bake cookies!

Now..since starting a journey to the best and healthiest version of myself last May (more about this coming in the next post) I got closer to the kitchen and started cooking for myself.
By no means I am good at cooking or baking but now I can cook myself a nice healthy meal.
I also learned how to peel/cut fruit and veggies..something that I wasn't able to do before.
Yay to beating CP!

Last Sunday,I was in this Christmassy mood I told you about.
So I decided to face my previous fails induced fear of baking and to try out a simple sugar cookie recipe.
I told myself:
"I've been watching Laura Vitale's videos dutifully for 5 years now and know quite a bit of the theory behind baking( two of my characters are pastry chefs so...)..Laura makes it looks so easy..I should just go for it!"
So I did it.
And I just used a bowl,a spatula and a fork..no fancy mixers.
In fact:
1. The blender/food processor I use is broken and mum's is too complicated and heavy for me.
2. I want to learn how to do things "the old fashioned way" before using mixers/fancy equipment. I need to have the basics down first.
3. I count mixing by hand/kneading as a nice arm workout. And working out equals more cookies later!!
I followed the recipe to the letter,adding some ground cinnamon to it to make it taste Christmassy( I LOVE cinnamon!).
I got mad and frustrated at some point though because I couldn't make cute cut out cookies..they would get misshaped as soon as I tried to lift them up to put them on the cookie sheet.
Fine work is not for me!
After trying to make cute shaped cookies for a bit with not success,I gave up and just took little bits of dough,rolled them into little balls and put them on the cookie sheet.
I then pressed on them lightly with a fork dipped in flour,to make a bit of a pattern on them.
And off into the oven they went.

When I saw that they were rising and baking nicely in the oven,I actually thought they would taste good for once.
I was just so excited.

So I took the other half of the dough from the fridge and divided it in two.
To one half I kneaded in some cocoa powder and added some crushed hazelnuts and some more cinnamon.
To the other I added oats,dried cranberries and hazelnuts.
I formed that dough into cookies as well and off to the oven they went.

When I saw those too were baking nicely,I was just so happy!
Then my family ate them and told me they were good..and I almost cried.
But the best part was that my brother,who's not into sweets,ate more than one and told me he loved them!

Two days ago,he asked me to make the plain cinnamon cookies again.
So yesterday I got to work and made them.
Same exact recipe,same exact method.
I just rolled some cookie dough balls in cinnamon sugar and some into powdered sugar to make them snickerdoodle like and crinkle cookie like respectively.
Guess what?
They came out better than the first time!
So soft and buttery they melted in your mouth..yum!
My brother ate all the plain cinnamon ones,two or three at a time!
A miracle!
When he came home from school yesterday and saw the cookies he barely let me take a picture..he wanted to dig in right away!
And when my mum asked him what he wanted to eat as a snack before going out with his friends yesterday afternoon he enthusiastically said: "cookies!".
Unbelievable.
I can't describe how happy I am when I see him happily munching on the cookies I made.
My mum loved the snickerdoodle ones and the crinkle ones and ordered me some more.

Long story short my family polished off all the cookies I made yesterday and now our cake stand is empty..such a sad sight.

Anyways..I'll leave you the recipe down below if you wanna try to make the cookies yourself.

Off to bake some more cookies I go now..so my brother can have them for breakfast tomorrow!

Do you like Christmas?
Do you like cooking/baking?
What are your favourite cookie recipes?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SUPER EASY SUGAR COOKIES

ORIGINAL RECIPE HERE (in Italian): http://www.misya.info/ricetta/biscotti-al-burro.htm

Makes about 25 cookies

• 1 + 2/3 cups (200g) all purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• A pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup(100g) granulated sugar
• 1/4 cup+ 2 tbsp(90 g) unsalted butter
• 1 egg
• Vanilla extract
• Ground cinnamon(if desired)
• Confectioner sugar /cinnamon sugar for coating(if desired)

***************************************

METHOD

1. Place butter and sugar in a bowl and mix together (using either a spatula and a whisk or a standing mixer) until they're nicely combined.
2. Add the egg and mix well.
3. Add the vanilla extract.
4. Mix flour,baking powder,salt and ground cinnamon(if using that) together briefly with a spoon.
5. Add the dry ingredients to the wet either little by little or all at once(I find it doesn't make any difference) and mix until a dough forms.
6. Take the dough out of the bowl,wrap it in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge to rest for 30 minutes
7. Put on some Christmas music and dance around the house singing out of your lungs while the dough is chilling.(This step is crucial to make yummy cookies!! )
8. Preheat the oven to 180 C or 350 F
9. Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper or a silicone mat (*My cookie sheets are on the smaller side so I put 12 cookies on each one..if yours are bigger you might get away with using one cookie sheet only but I do advice you to use 2 because the cookies spread a bit during baking)
10. Get the dough out of the fridge.
11. Now..here is where the options come in:
You can either:
-take little bits of dough at a time,roll into little balls and put them on the cookie sheet,making sure you leave some space between them.
-roll out the dough and cut shapes out of it to make cut out cookies. Make sure to leave some space between the cookies when placing them on the cookie sheets.

12 TIP 1 :If you went with the first option you can roll the little balls into cinnamon sugar(granulated sugar+ground cinnamon mixed together) or confectioner sugar before placing them on the cookie sheets.
TIP 2: If you don't want to coat the balls of dough into the sugar but still want the cookies to look extra cute,slightly press on them with a fork dipped in flour before baking.

13 Bake the cookies for 10 to 15 minutes or until they get slightly golden on the top and are done on the bottom.
14 Let them cool slightly on the cookie sheets.(If you can wait that long!)
15 Make yourself some hot chocolate/hot drink of your choice to dip them in.
16. Enjoy!!

NOTES

~If you want you can turn these cookies into chocolate cookies by adding cocoa powder to the dry ingredients. Make sure to sift the cocoa powder first though.

~You can add everything you want to the dough..nuts,coconut,chocolate chips,dried fruit,orange or lemon peel...

~If you want you can mix confectioners sugar and water(or orange/lemon juice) together until you get icing and spread it on the cooled cookies.
You can then add sprinkles of top of them to make them extra cute!

~To have warm "just out of the oven" cookies whenever you want,just pop them in the microwave for 15 to 30 seconds.

And now.... PICTURES!!!

From the outside to the inside: plain cinnamon,cocoa hazelnut and oat cranberry sugar cookies

From the outside to the inside: plain cinnamon,snickerdoodle like and crinkle like sugar cookies...

Don't give up!

11:13 AM

Dear Depressed Em,

Clear your mind of "I can't do this,this and this because of this,this and this".

Doctors thought you would die and you didn't. You fought and won your first battle with only a little bruise as a reminder. You're gonna have to live with this "bruise" that is CP for the rest of your life..but hey,you two are starting to get along,right?

You thought you wouldn't survive high school because the course you chose was "hard" and "too difficult" and you "weren't smart enough" for it. Remember how many sleepless nights you had,during the summer before freshman year? Remember how much you cried in a pillow at night..because you were scared?

It was hard,yes. But you gave it all you had and in the end you graduated top of your class and won a scholarship.

You won one of the 2 scholarships available for your entire school district. YOU did it.

The same person who cried and cried in a pillow because she was so so scared of not making it through high school. Because she thought she wasn't smart enough for it.

You applied to med school because it has always been your dream..and because you can't see yourself as anything else but a doctor,after all.

Then..you didn't get in for a variety of reasons..and life started not to go "according to plan". You cried for 3 days straight,remember? But then you got up and kept studying because you had to graduate.

Then..a mean person you trusted because you looked up to her told you becoming a doctor "wasn't realistic" for you.

And that was the final straw.

You didn't want to get out of bed when you were on study leave and supposed to review for your exams. You studied only because you had to help your friends..and to this day,you're so grateful to them..and 75% of your grade and scholarship should actually go to them.

You started biotech..at the beginning you were so excited about it and planned to get out of there and reapply to med school ASAP. But then..you started doubting yourself..more than you'd ever done before.You hated biotech..and still do.. self doubt ate you alive and paralysed you more than CP ever did.

It still does. And..the "I can't,I can't I can't" returned..stronger than ever.

You tried to hate medicine because a part of you(or depression) was like "a doctor? You? Come on,are you kidding? You are..you. You...have CP,you are not smart. Everyone around you..they don't think you can do it..they think you're crazy" . But you failed. Your love for medicine got even stronger but at the same time..your depression got stronger as well. Some days it's so hard. Some days you don't care..you don't wanna get out of bed,you believe nothing is worth it,you believe your life is a waste and you just want to sleep forever. It's horrible.

But..guess what? Depression hasn't won yet. You are fighting. The old,determined you..is still in there. You lost 13 kg and walked for 8 km. You passed all your exams last semester. You wore shorts and a tank top and actually felt good in them. You learned to walk in flip flops. You got A on your human physiology exam.

Tiny things,yes. But things that you didn't think you could do this time last year.

You are fighting and you are working towards your huge goals list..even though you always feel like you never do enough and comparison is always there,lurking.

"No matter how slowly you go,as long as you don't stop" they say.

Keep going. Rest if you must..but don't give up. Take your time.

Have faith. Stay positive. Don't quit..you're gonna regret it.

Don't give up...and one by one,you're gonna turn your "I can't"s into "I can"s.

With love,

The Best Version of You.

mental health

A clean slate..

11:59 AM

Yes,I know I should be reviewing because my physiology exam is in a week and I want and NEED to do super well on it. But first..I need to write this down.

Two days ago I was sitting at my laptop trying to review but my eyes were teary and burning and I wouldn't stop yawning..don't you hate when that happens?

So I decided I had to read something other than my study material in order to reactivate my brain. I stumbled into a PDF of a book I forgot I had in my laptop "Breaking Night" by Liz Murray. I finished re-reading before lunch today and it made me cry. It's so beautiful...check it out if you haven't.

Elizabeth "Liz" Murray was born in 1980 in New York from heroin and cocaine addicted parents who loved her but would do anything for some more drugs. She grew to protect them and help them in any way she could. She was especially close to her mother,Jeanie,who,on top of everything, was an alcoholic.

In the book,Liz goes through all her life from early age to when she's 18.

When she's about 17,Liz finds herself homeless because the old apartment she lived in with her parents got demolished,her dad lives in shelter and her mum and older sister,Lisa,live with a rather abusive and mean man,known simply as 'Brick' who initially was kind to Jeanie but then started treating her like garbage. Jeanie had always suffered from mental illness and was declared HIV positive when Liz was about 15.

After her mum died from AIDS,Liz realised she had to change what she could about the situation she was in..and that the only thing she could change was her education.

So she went back to school,completed 4 years of high school in 2 years and received a 12.000$/year scholarship for her to pay for college.

And on top of everything she got accepted to Harvard where she went for her undergraduate and graduate studies..eventually becoming a counsellor and motivational speaker.

Amazing,right?

I realised..when I read about Liz having this dream of going to High School and getting all As..going to college and graduating and making something good out of herself and her life..and knowing that she could at least TRY to do that..I realised I used to be exactly like her.

Driven. Determined. Hard working. Hopeful. But then..my last year of high school was so stressful and busy..I didn't get into med school and right before my final exams I fell in such deep depression and was so sad and exhausted I didn't want to get out of bed.

Then I graduated with high grades,won a scholarship and started feeling better...and looking at the future with a smile and hope. I applied to biotech and biology program,knowing that it wasn't what I wanted to do,but planning to drop out as soon as I got more independent and got into med school.

But then.. my grandpa passed away,people started paying money to get into med school at the point that there were so many people following lectures that they had to sit on the floors. Now..I could have paid for my admission with my very own money from the scholarship..I could have got into a med school that was 3 hours from home. But despite it being completely unethical for everyone but the people who had been involved in the all papers stealing thing, I knew overcrowded schools weren't the right thing for me. I knew I yet wasn't independent enough to go to med school and on top of everything else..biotech had damaged my self esteem,taking it from low to virtually non existent. I sat a long 3 part multiple choice exam and barely passed despite giving it my all..studying as much as I possibly could. From there..everything got even worse and went downhill. I started getting more and more anxious and depressed..loathing every little bit of my being.

When I saw that I had barely passed despite giving it my all..I thought "What else should I do? I gave it my all..I don't have anymore to give. I was used to get good grades if I worked really really hard like I did for this exam. I can't possibly work any harder. If I suck at this stupid biotech thing,I have no chances in Med School. I give up. I'm a freakin' failure. I just wanna sleep. And don't wake up anymore".

I was scared of sitting exams...I would postpone them and tell myself I would have done them "later" and then loathe myself even more because of that.

I still do this..even though I am trying my best,I seem not to have found what study method works for me or how can I get good grades,like my seemingly perfect classmates I can barely stand do. I'm still scared of tiny things and beyond stressed and although I sat more exams than last year and my grades were better than those this year..I still am nowhere I should be. As a former top student(I was one of the two people in my school district who were given a scholarship. And no. High School in Italy is not a walk in the park..I have pretty much the same knowledge a Ancient Literature college graduate would have,I checked ;) ) who worked her butt off everyday but was rewarded with good grades..seeing that working as hard as I can isn't enough anymore broke me. It made me scared and stole that little bit of self confidence I had from me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a bit jealous of my classmates who seem perfect(seem is the key word here) and study and get great grades..and are beautiful and confident. I maybe need to get closer to them and learn from them..but being around them makes me feel like a huge failure. Darn pride.

I know I have to think about my own path and don't give a monkeys about others' because I have my own goals and dreams and because I am me and not them. I know everyone takes his/her own time to accomplish things..I know I have my all life in front of me...for me to become a doctor and accomplish my goals. But sometimes it's so hard not to feel like a failure or under a lot of pressure.

In her book, Liz Murray writes that when she got her blank transcripts from her new high school, she thought of them as "a clean slate"..a symbol of hope and of the new life she was starting to build for herself. And then,pencil in hand, she filled them with rows of As..the As she knew she could take if she worked hard. The As she NEEDED to take..in order to come out of that dark hole life had put her into.

In her book she also writes,she often pictured a runner in her head. A runner who would run her own run which was full of obstacles to overcome and who would never give up until she got to the finish line. She herself was the runner. And the obstacles were..well,the obstacles she faced during her life changing journey. They were as simple as "I want to sleep all day,I'm tired and cold. Wait..I need to go to school though..that's more important than a few more minutes of sleep!".

I wish I could turn back time and be in first year again and have a "clean slate" as Liz calls it.

I can't do that.

But I can decide I'm worthy of fighting for my dreams.

I can decide to get up after I messed up.

I can decide to give school my best shot.

I can decide what kind of food to put into my body and be even healthier than I am now.

I can decide to adapt work outs to what I can do instead of getting angry at my CP because I can't do this or that move.

I can decide to do something for myself and get an higher English proficiency certificate I've been wanting to take for years. I will take it this year. It'll be my way to relax and hopefully my self esteem will benefit from it.

I can change some stuff about myself and about my situation.

I can choose to have my goals in mind every morning when I get up,like I did when I was in High School.

I can't turn back time and I can't change everything.

Liz also writes every day is a clean slate..every day is a chance for you to change.

My clean slate starts today.

I wrote for almost 2 hours..holy smokes. It felt so good but know I gotta go and do some serious review!

Those As won't write themselves,will they?

my stories

It's the little things in life...

1:42 PM

"My world is upside down"- PART 2

After kissing Laura goodbye for the 10th time,I took Aurore's little hand and we walked out of Elle's house.

-Mummy,now what? -she asked me,while we were heading to the car- We go play?

-What if we go grocery shopping first?-I suggested,while putting her in her car seat -And then we go home and play after that. Doesn't that sound fun?

At the word "grocery shopping" she grinned. She wasn't even 3 yet,and she was already as food obsessed as I was.

-Strawberries? Blueberries? Chocolate?

I chuckled.

-Yes,we'll get those as well.

Her eyes lit up.

-Yay!

I gave her one of her favourite stuffed animals and I caressed her cheek. I always kept a few stuffed animals in the car,in order to keep the girls quiet and content during long trips.

I hopped into the car and buckled up.

I then started driving to the nearest grocery store.

It was crazy how normal driving had become to me over the years.

I had had quite a rough start with it back when I was in my teens.

To start with,I hadn't taken my driving license at 16,like most of my peers had. In fact,at the time,I was too busy graduating high school early and filling up applications for college.

I just didn't have the time to take it.

Then I had moved,started college and started struggling with depression.

And that had delayed taking my license even more.

I sighed.

Depression had taken-and was still taking- so much from me.

I stopped at a red light and quickly turned around to check on Aurore.

-Hey baby...-I said- ..are you alright? Is Waffle fun?

-He fun. -she grinned -we there yet?

-Not yet,baby. But we'll be there in a few minutes.

Five minutes later,we got to the grocery store.

I got out of the car and strapped Aurore out of her car seat. I then locked the car and made a mental note of the exact spot where I had parked.

Aurore's eyes were sparkly. She loved the grocery store.

I held her hand and I looked at her in the eye.

-Okay,sweetie.- I told her- The grocery store is gonna be full of people and chaos. Never let my hand go,okay?

I expected her to nod and grin enthusiastically,as she usually did. But she didn't.

-My legs are tired..-she moaned-..can't walk. Mummy carry me?

Her eyes got even sparklier.

-Please mummy.-she added

I looked at her genuinely excited expression and then I took my free hand to my growing belly.

I hated the idea of telling her no. But,even though I was just 24 weeks along,I was already rather huge for my normally petite size and my balance wasn't that good anymore. Quite a change from my first pregnancy, when,at 24 weeks,I was barely showing.

I looked at Aurore again.

If I held her and carried her,I could fall and hurt both her and the baby.

-Mummy?

I smiled at her.

-Sweetheart..mummy can't hold you the whole time..-I forced myself to say.

Aurore's excited grin disappeared,so did the sparkle in her eyes.

I felt my heart breaking.

A couple of minutes later,I had a idea.

I grinned at Aurore.

-Come on,baby. -I told her -I had a fantastic idea.

-Really?

There it was again. The sparkle in her eyes .

As soon as I saw it,I felt a lot better.

-Yes. Hold my hand and follow me.

She held my hand and we walked towards the shopping carts.

I took one out of the row.

-Ready? -I asked Aurore with a smile.

-What,mummy?

She was confused but her eyes were still sparkly.

-You'll see.-I winked at her -Ready?

She nodded.

Carefully,I lifted her up. Oh boy,was she heavy.

-Aww,you're getting so big,aren't you baby? -I whispered to myself.

I then carefully made her sit down in the shopping cart.

-Are you comfortable like this,sweetie?-I asked her.
Aurore looked around.
I was sure it was because she wasn't expecting that.
At that moment I realised I rarely had made the girls sit into the shopping cart before,even though I vividly remember my mum doing that with me when I was a kid.
I then sighed,realising that I had done that so rarely because I used to never go grocery shopping on my own with both Laura and Aurore in tow.
Not when I had to grocery shop for the week,anyway.
In that case, we always tried to grocery shop as a family,all four of us.
The girls loved the grocery store.
It was a great learning opportunity for them,as I would teach them colours and numbers and new words as we shopped.
Plus they were as food obsessed as I was.
For that reason, I tried to take them shopping with me anytime I could,including when we had to stock up on food for the week ahead.
And...every single time,Mark insisted to come with me.
"I know you can handle it on your own,Lizzie. But let me be your knight in the shining whatever for once".
That's what he always used to tell me before I could protest.
And that's how that "once" quickly turned into "every time".
My gosh,how much I missed him.
I felt my eyes filling with tears and blinked to get rid of them.
-Sweetie?- I repeated- Are you okay?

-Yes!
She grinned at me,holding her stuffed animal.
-Strawberries now?
-Oh yes.-I winked at her- We're gonna get all the strawberries we can find.

my stories

"My world is upside down"

12:51 PM

PART 1

I rinsed the last plate and put it on the rack to dry.

I wiped off my hands in a kitchen towel and then I sank on the couch.

The kids were sleeping in their rooms upstairs.

The house felt so..quiet.

It was awfully quiet and awfully big for the 3 of us alone.

I sighed loudly. I looked down at the coffee table..to grab the remote. And there it was. A picture from our wedding day. Framed..perfect.

And in the picture,so were we.

Perfect.

We were living our happy,perfect ending. -I miss you. -I whispered-I miss you so much.

I started sobbing. Sobbing..I grabbed my phone and I dialed my mum's number. She picked up immediately.

-hi,baby girl..-she said.

I kept sobbing. -What's wrong?

-mummy...-I whispered- Can I come home..for a bit?

-Of course,baby.

-I'll..I'll be there soon,then.

I sat up in bed,still feeling a little dizzy. I looked at Elle,and then at the papers she had given me.

-are you..-she started-..how are you? She was looking at me like I were a delicate object that was about to break.

-I..I..-I whispered-I think I'm gonna be sick. She gave me a basin and I threw up.

After that..she gave me some water.

I drank it all..and I felt a little bit better. -How are you?-she asked me.

-I'm pregnant...and.. -I burst into tears. Elle held me.

-It's okay,Liz. -she told me- It's okay to cry. It's okay.

-I'm..having a baby...and..

-aren't you happy about it?

-I'm.. 3 kids..how am I supposed to raise 3 kids on my own? Alone?

-You are not alone.-she smiled at me- you have me and Alex and your parents..and your sisters and all your friends..

-I..I can't. 3 kids. I can't.

-do you..want..to terminate?

-No! -I sobbed- of course,not! It's..Mark's baby. It's..my baby. -I paused- It's the last thing Mark left me. I took an hand to my belly. - I love him or her already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kept tossing and turning in bed.

It was 3 AM and I couldn't fall asleep.

My back was killing me and I could feel a tension headache coming.

After staring at the ceiling for 5 minutes, I gave up on sleep and got up. I wanted myself some chamomile tea. While I was making my way out of the room,I heard Aurora's little voice..coming from her room.

-Mama..mama...

I walked into her room,and I saw her standing up in her crib.

-hi,sweetheart- I whispered- how are you? -Mama..mama..

-are you hungry,baby?

She nodded.

-Okay. -I smiled at her- Let's go and get you something to eat,okay?

I scooped her out of her crib. I knew lifting heavy was not good for me,but sometimes I couldn't avoid it.

I put her down on the floor.

She walked behind me for a couple of minutes.

-Up! Up! -she started- Mama, up!

She had such an excited expression on her face..I couldn't tell her no.

-Ok,sweetie.-I said,lifting her up once again. -Come here.

We got downstairs and I put Aurora in her highchair.

I then put the kettle on,for my tea and I started heating up a bottle for her.

-mummy loves you so much,baby girl.

-I luv you,mama..-she said- nose kiss?

-Nose kiss it is.

I got closer to her and I started rubbing my nose against hers.

-mummy..my tummy roarrr..

-oh,it is? -I giggled- you must be really hungry then.

She nodded.

I took the bottle and I tested it on my hand to see if it was warm enough.

I noticed Aurora smiling mischievously. I figured she was up to something. She was so cute when she smiled that way.

-Mama..-she started-...me cookie?

I smiled at her and caressed her cheek.

I knew she would have asked me for a cookie to have with her milk.

Not even 3 years old and she was already as food obsessed as I was.

And she also had quite a sweet tooth,once again,much like I did.

-You're definitely my baby girl,aren't you? -I asked her,with a smile in my voice -now..what do you need to say when asking for something?

She seemed to be thinking about it.

-What's the magic word you have to say? -I tried to help her -Come on,I know you know..

A few seconds passed.

Then,she suddenly lit up. Her big blue eyes got even bigger,and sparkly.

I figured she must had remembered the word.

-please mama,cookie?

-Well done. -I whispered while placing a kiss on her forehead - Now you can have your cookie.

-Yay!! -she was excited- Oreos?

-Mmmm...

I started rummaging in the snack cabinet,looking for some cookies to give her.

I realised I had hardly bought any cookies and sweet treats in the previous weeks. Not as much as I used to buy when we lived in Boston,anyway.

Living in L.A. meant that both my family and Mark's were a 10 to 30 minutes drive from me.

That meant that it was much easier for Mrs Freedman to stuff us full with yummy cookies and sweet treats of any kind.

Oh,the joys of having a super talented pastry chef as a mother in law.

Working at the bakery and baking her heart away helped her a lot.

She gave me and the girls massive amounts of sweet treats,that seemed to never end..every other day or so.

I loved all of them so much but I of course couldn't eat them all..nor could the girls. So we ate some and shared the rest around. I used to bring a lot of goodies over to the hospital,for example. That same morning I brought there the very last batch of sugar cookies she had given us,aware of the fact that the next lot of sweet treats would have come very soon.

-Mama,cookie,please?

Aurora's little voice interrupted my flow of thoughts.

-Yes,baby. -I said- You're right. Just a sec. After a few more minutes of rummaging in the cabinet,I found a small pack of regular Oreo cookies.

-OREOS!! -Aurora squealed as soon as she saw them- Yay!

-Shhhhh,sweetie. -I whispered,while opening the pack -It's very late at night,Laura is sleeping upstairs. So we have to be quiet,alright? Really quiet.

I took my index finger to my lips.

-Shhhhhh.

Aurora did the same. She loved copying what I did..she was basically a mini me,much to my disappointment.

-Shhhhh. Quiet. -she repeated- Shhhh.

-Very good,baby.

I managed to get the pack open without ripping the paper too much or making a mess with the crumbs.

I gave Aurora a cookie and her bottle.

-Fank you,mama.-she said,while biting into the cookie

-You're welcome. Is that yummy?

She nodded.

I grinned.

-Really yummy?

She shoved the rest of the cookie in her mouth.

-Yes! -she paused- But Ganny cookies are yummiest!

I caressed her cheek. She couldn't say "Granny" quite yet. But she was getting there. I was sure she would have learned to say it properly soon.

-Are they yummier than Oreos?

-Yes!

-Wow. -I smiled at her- We gotta tell Granny about it tomorrow,then.

Aurora started drinking her milk.

She seemed pretty content.

-Is that yummy? -I asked her-Is that warm enough?

-Yes,mama.

-I am glad.

At that moment,the kettle whistled. The water was boiling.

I took my favorite mug and I put a bag of chamomile tea in it.

Then I poured boiling water from the kettle on it..filling up the mug.

Lastly,I sugared it and stirred it through,so that the sugar could melt in the hot water.

I sat at the counter,in front of Aurora.

My headache was getting worse. I took my head in my hands,and started rubbing my temples with my fingers,in a circular

motion.

That usually helped me a bit with the pain.

I had been suffering from tension headaches since I was in High School..I was used to them.

Being pregnant,however,seemed to be the perfect trigger for them.

At that point,20 weeks into my pregnancy, I had started to get one at least once a day.

I sighed,as I took a sip of tea.

mental health

A conversation with Evie..

12:18 PM

I don't know where this blog post is gonna get to,what direction it's gonna take.

To be be honest,I don't even know if this is gonna be a proper blog post or just a series of random thoughts put together.

I haven't blogged in a while.

To be honest,I haven't written much these days either. I do have some ideas for new scenes and I have to rewrite the grocery shopping scene (see my last blog post for more info about it) and hopefully post it on here when it's done.

But..I just didn't get around to actually elaborate and transform my ideas into a proper story.

This morning I felt so sick that I decided to take a break from Twitter because Evie has woken up again and started bothering me again.

She brought her big guns with her,too. Comparison is one of the most dangerous and powerful weapons she loves to hurt me with.

It leads to self loathing and isolation(feeling like I should be left alone forever or strongly wishing I could become one with the walls),hence the Twitter break.

I don't know how long my break will last,I hope it won't be too long.

I hope Evie will get back to sleep soon.

Here is how a conversation with Evie usually goes. She usually starts bothering me at night,when I am in bed,trying to fall asleep..or in the morning,before I get up.

Evie: "Hey. I'm back! Did you miss me?"

Me: "No. Please,leave me alone. Go back to sleep".

Evie: "Oh no,I just woke up...I wanna have fun!"

Me: "No. Go away. "

Evie: "So..how did your day go?"

Me: "I had fun. My Twitter friends are lovely. They actually like me! And my friend B from uni and I had lunch together today..we talked! I think she likes me too. She's always so kind to me and she listen to what I say and she doesn't pretend I'm not there!"

Evie: "Mmmmm. Actually,she does not like you. She's kind because she pities you and she's gonna leave you. Everyone does,remember? You better not get attached as you usually do. Pathetic."

Me: "Shut up. And then there's my friend I. She's so sweet and kind. I love sitting with her at English. I help her. I love doing that. I missed helping people with homework and such. I love English class..I actually feel like the old me again. I feel..somewhat competent. I feel like I actually know something!"

Evie: "That's basic level,that's why you feel like you know something. If you were to take a more advanced level class,you wouldn't last 2 seconds. And you would fail at the only thing you're supposed to be decent at. You're not smart. You're not bright. You are a waste of space."

Me: "Shut up. Leave me alone".

Evie: "You need to leave Twitter for good..you're not smart enough to be on there and to talk to people. You don't even know what you're talking about most of the time! You're not a med student,nor a doctor,nor someone smart or funny or caring or kind. You just bother."

Me: "I don't! I have friends on there..they are so kind..they like me. I like being part of the Twitter community. Now,could you please leave me alone? I want to write something."

Evie: "oh..that stupid grocery shopping scene? How cute.

You know that' s stupid,don't you?

You know those people were right,don't you?

You..will never have any of that. Well..let me be kind,maybe you can have the saddest bits.

Come on,seriously? You are..you. "

Me: "Oh yes..I..forgot. You're right. I am..me."

Evie: "you will never do that or anything else in life,for that matter. Wake up,Sleeping Beauty. No one really likes you. You're just a bother. Always been,always will be.

Me: "You're mean. *sobs* My friend L might come over this summer. She says she wants to hang out with me. So you're wrong. She's my friend."

Evie: "You are gonna bore her to tears. You are boring and not fun,remember?"

Me: "I..shut up, you,evil monster! That's not true!

Evie: "I beg your pardon?"

Me: "I meant..yes, ma'am. I remember."

Evie: "Now..that's better."

random thoughts

Dear future daughter...

3:52 AM

Dear future daughter,

hello! It's mummy here.

Crazy how I'm writing you a letter when you're not even here yet..uh?

Yes,I am aware of this.

But you're gonna learn that mummy is a writer and a softie so she does crazy things like this sometimes!

I know it might be a little too early for me to think about you right now...I'm sure many years are going to go by before you come.

Princesses need to take their sweet time,after all.

I am still writing you this letter though because ,deep inside, I know you will be here,one day.

I don't yet know what your name will be( I have some in mind though and I'm in love with two of them in particular) nor how you'll look like...I can only try and picture your face in my mind,when my evil monster gives me a break from all the torturing(more about this later).

I hope you'll get my hair..the only thing about my physical appearance that I like.

I hope you will be confident and fearless.

I hope you will be strong and resilient.

I hope you will be kind,caring and sweet.

I hope you will know the power of compassion and empathy.

I hope you will know the power of gratitude,hope and kindness and use it in your daily life.

I will try my best to raise you as best as I possibly can and to teach you these said things.

Gosh..these are so many things already! There's already so much I'd like to teach you,so be prepared to learn a lot!

I'm gonna introduce you to English as soon as possible..like your Nana did with me,in the hopes you'll love it as much as I did then and do now.

But don't worry..I won't force you to do anything you don't want to or to like things you clearly don't!

English has always been very important to mummy,you know?

It means..freedom to me. It's a bit complicated to explain..just know that if I were asked to write this letter in Italian, I couldn't do it.

I hope you too will find something similar. Something that means freedom to you. Maybe it will be a sport? Or playing an instrument? Or baking?

Whatever you want.

I don't know why but I think you'll love sports.

Maybe it's because I'm quite lazy and I don't like sports much..so I hope you won't be like me!

I will try my best to support you in every way possible..with your choices and with how you decide to live your life.

Whatever you decide to do,I will always be your number one fan.

I hope you will never be afraid of talking to me and telling me whatever you want or whatever is going on in your mind.

I hope you will have the strength and the courage to follow your dreams.

I used to have those,you know?

Now I'm going through a rather rough period of my life and they seem to be playing hide and seek. But I'll find them back!

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they say.

I hope you will never have to deal with an evil monster like the one I seem to be dealing with right now. She's horrible.

I hope you will learn that sometimes you need not to give a monkeys of what people tell you and have to go after what you want despite their bad words.

If you happen to be anything like me(I hope you won't be!),it might take you some time to master this.

I myself am still learning how to do it

But I'll learn it,one day soon...and you will too.

Here comes the most difficult part of this letter. I don't know how to write this.

As you grow older,you might start to notice that mummy has a bit of an issue with walking and uses a walker as an aid. You might notice that,as you grow older and bigger..mummy can't hold you and carry you around much anymore.

You might notice that mummy is a bit different from the other mums you see... that she gets tired often and needs to take her walker with her everywhere she goes.

You don't have to be scared of this.

It's called cerebral palsy or CP for short. It's not progressive,nor contagious. You see..when I was born,I was 13 weeks earlier and I had some problems..the most serious of them affected my brain and caused me to have CP.

To be completely honest with you,even though I've been living with this my all life..I still hate it sometimes. I am not proud of this..but sometimes I do.

A couple of days ago I was asked if I could hold a baby..in a bad rhetorical way,as to say "oh poor you,do you really think YOU can do it? If you do,there must be something seriously wrong
with you".

And after that I was made fun of because I said I want to become a pediatrician.

I felt so terrible. Like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and crashed in a million pieces.

I've been keeping myself as busy as I possibly could in order not to think of it.

See? I told you I still have to learn how to deal with bad things people tell me in a better way.

I suck at it still.

Last night though..I remembered of a scene I wrote some time ago.

Yes, you're probably gonna hear a lot about mummy's writing as you grow up. So you better get used to it hihihi.

In the scene,my protagonist is almost 7 months pregnant with her 3rd child and she goes grocery shopping with her youngest daughter,who's 2 and a half. At her request of never letting go of her hand while they're shopping,the little girl asks her if she can hold her and carry her around instead.

Now..since my protagonist is heavily pregnant and having a difficult pregnancy,she can't do that.

So she takes a shopping cart,picks her daughter up and makes it so she's sitting comfortably in it. So everyone is happy,both her and her little girl.

When I remembered of this scene..I felt relieved.

And I smiled and felt a lot better than I had been feeling all weekend.

I finally realised that person's words were wrong.

Of course my situation is gonna be a bit different than my protagonist's (well..unless I have other kids after you,as I hope to)..but I too have weight bearing and tiredness issues due to my CP..that might cause me not to be able to carry you around.

But..as my protagonist does in the scene,I too can find other ways to deal with this "problem". I too might make you sit in a shopping cart for example. (Shopping carts are super fun by the way! I loved sitting in them as a kid!)

You see,sweetheart..I'm learning,day by day,that yes..I am different from others. Yes,I have CP and maybe depression and anxiety as well.

I have them. They don't have me.

It's hard some days..I am not gonna lie.

But..I am trying to learn that I can still do things despite my illnesses/disabilities.

That my goals are..realistic still. They might be more difficult to accomplish yes,but it's indeed possible for me to accomplish them.

I can still become a pediatrician and I can still be the best mother I can possibly be to you.

This letter was about you and it has become about me..mummy rambles sometimes and tends to go off topic.

Sorry about that.

I hope..by the time you come, I'll have managed to have a better relationship with my monsters.

I hope you will be as proud of me,as I'll be of you.

I don't know you yet nor I have met you yet,but I know you will be amazing.

I know I will be so proud of you.

With all my love,

Mummy

https://youtu.be/0kLs4VdfFlQ

my stories

You...saved me

8:07 AM

LEARNING TO LIVE IN MY UPSIDE DOWN WORLD - PART 1

A faint cry woke me up. When I opened my eyes,it took me a while to realize where I was.

Everything was blurry.

After a few minutes of blurred vision,I realized I wasn't wearing any glasses or contacts.

I managed to grab my glasses,placed neatly on what appeared to be a nightstand.

I put them on and everything became clearer.

I saw bouquets of flowers and baskets scattered around the room. My mum's coat was folded in two on a chair near the bed where I was laying.

I heard the crying another time. I followed the sound and I turned my head around.

It was then that I saw him.

A baby in a blue onesie was laying in a bassinet near the window.

He was moving his little fists up in the air,crying angrily.

Seeing him brought everything back to me.

I had just had a baby..that was why I was in the hospital.

My precious little boy.

I couldn't believe he was finally there.

I was pretty sure he was hungry at that moment..I had fed him 2 hours prior,right before drifting off to sleep.

I was still really sore...a lot more than I had been when the girls were born,or,at least,so I recalled.

I had just got up,when my mother came into the room.

-Go back to bed,baby. -she told me in a sweet voice.- You need to rest.

-The baby...he's crying. I think he's hungry. - I said - I need to nurse him.

She got closer to me and smiled at me.

-Lay down. I'll take him.

-I can do it myself...

-Ssshhh. - she helped me getting comfortable into bed again - I'll take him.

I unbuttoned my pj shirt and my nursing bra while mum scooped the baby out of his bassinet.

He was still crying.

-Shhh..honey..-she tried to calm him down- Nana's got you. Do you want to go to mama? Oh..of course you do..

She rocked him back and forth for a little bit and then she gently placed him into my open arms.

-Easy..-she said-..be careful when you hold him..don't hold him too tightly...

-I know,mum..-I smiled-..I know.

She had tears in her eyes.

-I know you do,Betty..sweetheart.-she caressed my cheek -you're gonna have to excuse me..sometimes I forget that you are no longer a little girl.

She paused.

-Look at you..you're all grown up now.-she sniffed- you're a paediatrician and you've just had your third baby..when did you grow up,uh? Last night,all of a sudden?

I smiled again.

-I love you,mummy.

-I love you too,baby.

The baby started crying louder and moving his little arms and feet randomly in the air.

-Hey..little guy.- I whispered to him- what's going on? -I giggled- Are you mad because mama and Nana aren't talking about you right now?

I kissed the top of his head,gently.

-Mummy loves you so much.

I rocked him for a little bit and his crying started getting weaker.

-Did you miss me,baby? -I asked him- Uh? Did you miss mama?

As soon as I started to nurse him,he calmed down.

He was so focused while eating...he had his eyes closed.

-How are the girls doing? -I asked mum- Have you heard anything from anyone yet?

-Melanie told me they were napping when I called her 30 minutes ago. She told them you're at the hospital..-she smiled-.. they think you're working a long shift and they baked cookies and cupcakes for you.

I felt tears in my eyes. Apparently my hormones were still a bit out of whack.

-They're so sweet.- I said- I'll call them as soon as this little man finishes eating. So they can come to meet him.

I fed him for a few more minutes and then I felt him unlatching.

-Are you done? -I whispered to him with a smile- Apparently you are.

I slowly changed position on the bed so that I could hold him better. Then I started to gently pat him on his back to burp him.

-I can burp him,sweetie.

Mum got closer to me.

- Oh no..-I said-..we're good.

-Let me help you,please.

She seemed so anxious to help out and make herself useful.

I looked at her first and then at the baby.

-Here...-I whispered to her-...take him.

She held him and she started patting him on his back.

Then she got up and she started pacing around the room,the baby in her arms,his head resting on her shoulder. She patted him gently on his back while walking.

I smiled,to myself.

The baby seemed pretty content..I was pretty sure he would have fallen asleep in a matter of minutes.

-Be careful..-I said, suddenly- He has just eaten..he might spit up...

She stopped and then she smiled at me.

-I've raised 3 kids,baby girl. -she said- I can deal with some spit up. Don't worry.

She winked.

-He might spit up on your sweater and ruin it..just..let me grab a washcloth or something you can put on your shoulder..

-No worries. - she assured me- You know..as a baby,you always used to spit up on your dad's favourite winter coat. There was nothing you enjoyed more than resting your head on his shoulder whilst he was wearing that particular coat..maybe because it was soft or because it had his smell on and it was comforting to you..I don't know. -she chuckled- you've always been such a daddy's girl.

I smiled. The baby burped loudly.

-Wow.. -I whispered-..he's just a few hours old and he already burps like a truck driver. I'm gonna have to start teaching him manners ASAP!

Both mum and I laughed.

-You used to do the same. -she told me-..it was scary because you were very tiny when you were born.

-I used to take part to burping contests in college...- I recalled-..I won many of them.

-You sure did. I remember.

And Elle walked into the room and she sat on the couch.

-Good evening,Mrs Johnson. -she greeted mum

Mum stopped walking and smiled at her.

-Good evening,dear. How many times do I have to tell you you can call me Violet?

Elle smiled at her in return.

-How are you feeling?-she then asked me.

-Good,thank you. -I said- A little sore still,but nothing major.

Mum sat on a chair by my side,still holding the baby in her arms. He looked very sleepy.

She looked down at him.

-I think he's about to drift off to sleep. -she said- Look how sleepy he is.

-The feeding must have drained him...-I went on-..try to put him back in his bassinet..let's see how it goes.

Mum did as told and the baby fell asleep within minutes.

Elle got closer to him and she started studying him.

-He's so cute. -she said- The cutest nephew anyone could wish for.

She looked at him more closely..then she looked at me.

-He looks like you."

my stories

Maybe..just maybe..I am still worth something..

6:36 AM

From "My world is upside down.. AGAIN!"

" I was finishing tidying up the living room,when the bell rang.

-It must be them-I thought.

I put the last few pillows down on the couch and I started making my way towards the door,trying to keep my excitement at bay.

I opened the door and a few seconds later Sarah ran towards me and hugged me.

-Nana! -she squealed- Mummy says I can stay with you for a bit. Is that true?

She looked at me with sparkly eyes.

She was so sweet. I grinned at her.

-It's true.

I held her tighter.

-Hi, Nana- Ashley and Timmy said.

I hugged both of them,tightly.

-Mum said you're gonna help me with my science project..-Timmy said.

I grinned at him.

-I sure will. -I ruffled his hair- Come on..go and leave your backpack somewhere. You,girls too. Come on.

The three of them ran to the living room,leaving me with Laura.

She stepped in and closed the front door behind her.

-Hi,sweetie. -I said- Come and give me a hug.

-Hi,mum.

She hugged me and I held her tightly for a few seconds. Then we broke the hug.

I noticed she had a grocery bag in her hands.

-I got your groceries- she said- Shall I leave them in the kitchen?

-Yes,just leave the bag on the kitchen counter.

I started making my way to the kitchen. Laura followed me.

She put the grocery bag on the counter and I started putting the food away.

-So..how did it go today? -she sat on a counter stool- At the hospital? Did you have fun?

I closed the fridge and I looked at her.

-Yes..I actually had lots of fun. I said hi to Henry and he didn't believe his eyes when he saw me there. -I giggled- He was like: "are you real?".

I had lunch with Aurore..and I even met an old patient of mine.

So yes..it was fun!

-I'm glad.

-You're so sweet.

I opened the pantry and started putting the few other food items away.

-Shall we come back there on Monday again,then?

She sounded so excited. And, for the first time in weeks, I realised I didn't dread the idea. I was actually quite excited at the thought.

About half an hour later,I was reading medical articles at the kitchen counter,when Timmy came in.

-Hi,buddy. - I smiled -What's up?

-I need to start working on my project. -he said -But I have no idea of where to start.

-Don't worry. -I caressed his cheek- We're gonna figure something out. And it's gonna be amazing.

-I'm not sure...I'm not very good at science,you know..

He got sad.

-I like it a lot but..I always get B..

-Well..I'm sure this time you'll get A.

-You think?

He lit up.

-Of course. - I caressed his cheek again- You're my grandson,after all! Who do you think your aunt and uncle took their brains from?

He gave me a mischievous smile.

-Uhm..Pops?

-Ah,ah,ah. - I pretended to laugh- You're funny,young man.

I paused.

-I was about to bake some brownies. -I faked a serious tone- But after what you've just said..I don't think you can have any.

-What kind of brownies?

-Nutella brownies.

He lit up.

-Those are my favorite! Mum rarely makes them.

-That's because they're too easy for her. Your mum is too good of a baker to use that recipe. I bet she could make them blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back.

I started closing the journals I had in front of me and I neatly piled them up.

-So..do you wanna help me baking? -I asked Timmy. -That way,in about 45 minutes you'll have a nice study snack.

-Yum! -he licked his lips- Can't wait!

I smiled at him.

-Call your sisters and ask if they want to help as well. -I said- I'll take out the ingredients and such.

-Yes,ma'am.

And he ran out of the kitchen and upstairs calling Ashley and Sarah out loud.

In the meanwhile,I took 2 plastic bowls and the electric beaters out of the cabinet. Since it was an easy recipe that didn't require a lot of mixing..I didn't need my Kitchen Aid.

I then took two identical brownie pans and some parchment paper. In fact I wanted to make 2 batches of brownies.

Moving on to the actual ingredients,I took Nutella,flour and six eggs.

Then I preheated the oven at 350.

At that moment,the kids came in,Sarah running.

-Brownies! -she squealed -Yay!!

-Did you kids washed your hands? -I asked them- You need to wash your hands very well before dealing with food.

-I washed my hands! -Timmy said,coming closer to me and showing me his palms- see?

-Good job. - I smiled- Get yourself an apron and crack 3 eggs for me in the red bowl,would you?

-Nana,I want to help too!! -Sarah pleaded- Please.

-Of course,sweetie. Did you wash your hands?

-No. The sink was too high.

She was upset.

-Mmmm..- I whispered- there should be a little wooden stool in the bathroom. If you climb on it,you get super tall and you can wash your hands.

-I found no stool.

-Let's go,baby. -I smiled at her- I'll find it for you.

-I still have to wash my hands. -Ashley interrupted me - I'll go with Sarah.

She looked at her.

-Let's go,come on.

And they disappeared upstairs.

I held back a sigh. I was sure she had done in order for me not to do the stairs.

-Eggs cracked. -Timmy's voice- No shell,all clean.

I looked at the bowl.

-Indeed. -I agreed. -Well done.

-What now?

-Take the blue bowl with Nutella and heat in the microwave for 1 minute,30 seconds intervals.

He took the bowl and did as told. As soon as the microwave rang,Ashley and Sarah ran into the kitchen.

-Did you girls find the stool? -I asked them.

Sarah came closer to me.

-Yup! -she said- My hands smell all flower-y now!

-We used the liquid lavender soap. -Ashley said,while putting an apron on- It smells nice.

-It does,uh? -I grinned at her - Come on,let's get to work.

-Me too!! -Sarah pleaded- Me too!

-Of course. Put an apron on and then and climb on your green stool,so you can reach the counter.

She took a red and white apron and tried to wear it,without succeeding.

-It falls to the ground..-she whined.

I was about to help her tying it behind her neck,when Timmy stopped me.

-That's because you need to tie it behind your neck,you fool...mum tells you all the time.

-I am not a fool! -she snapped at him- Shut up,stupid!

I held back a laugh.

Five years old,and she already had Laura's temper. The memory of that night of 36 years earlier when she had bitten me was still fresh in my mind..and with that,many others.

She had always been a good kid,like her siblings.

I couldn't be more proud of her.

But she did have one flaw: she didn't have much patience and lose it often.

-I won't allow words such as "fool" "stupid" or "shut up" in this house. -I said,my voice firm - Otherwise no brownies for you.

I looked at the both of them.

-Apologise to each other,please. And,Timmy..please help her with the apron.

-I'm sorry I called you fool. -Timmy said- Let me help you.

He started tying the apron behind her neck and back.

-I'm sorry I said you are stupid. -Sarah whispered.

-Well done,the both of you.

I got the red mixing bowl with the eggs closer to me.

-Now,let's get to work.

-What can I do? -Ash asked.

-Crack 3 eggs in the glass bowl near you,please.

Timmy,can you please sift the flour?

-And me? -Sarah's little voice.

-You and I are gonna beat the eggs so they get all super fluffy and make magic happen in the oven.

-Magic?

Her eyes were sparkly.

-Really?

I nodded.

15 minutes later both batches of brownies were in the oven.

We were snacking on leftover batter.

-So... what would you like to make your project on,Timmy? -I asked him. -Do you have any favourite topic among the ones you've covered in class?

He licked some batter off his spoon.

-Mmmm..I'd like to make it on some very important organ in the body.

-Every organ is important,dear. -I noticed,sweetly -Heart? Brain?

-4 of my classmates are making it about the brain,5 are making it about the heart. I wanted to make something different.

-Liver? -Ash suggested,while licking her spoon -It's cool.

-Mmmm... taken already.

I took one dirty bowl to the sink and started washing it with warm,soapy water.

-Pancreas? -I tried again.

He sighed.

-Taken.

-Mmmmm...why don't you..-I started-...

Both Timmy and Ash watched me with curiosity.

-Why don't you make it about blood? -I whispered- Blood is very important. The all body starves without it.

-Mmmm..-he was thinking- None of my friends is making the project on it.

-So I suppose that's a no. -I whispered,coming back to washing the bowl- What about the lungs? Or maybe the skeletal system?

-Actually blood is pretty cool. -he said,after a while- There are so many different cells in it. And they have all those weird long names.

My lips curved into a smile.

-Okay. -he went on - Topic picked.

I wanted to jump around the house.

-Yay. -I whispered- We're gonna have loads of fun.

I put the bowl on the rack to dry.

Then I turned around to face Timmy.

-Go and take your books. Come on."

my stories

Back home??

3:07 PM

From "My world is upside down...AGAIN!"

Elizabeth

About an hour later,my session was over. As always,I couldn't wait for it to end. Of course I knew physical therapy was extremely important,but I had always hated it, since I was a kid and I had had to have some after breaking my arm.
I had never considered becoming a DPT or even a PM&R..to be completely honest..it always had been boring to me.
When I got out..I saw Laura sitting on a chair. She had a huge tray of pastries in her hands.
I got closer to her and touched her shoulder.
-Oh...are those for me? -I joked- Oh,thank you! I've always said I deserve some sort of prize for going through that hell..uhm I..mean PT.
She chuckled.
-Actually,I brought these cannoli for Aurore. She told me she had a craving for those so..
-That's so sweet of you.-I caressed her cheek- You're so sweet.
-Here.
She gave me the car keys.
-Can you get to the car on your own?
I nodded.
-I'll go to Children's next door to leave this tray,ok?
She got up from the chair.
-Wait for me in the car. Hopefully,I'll make it quick.
I started thinking. I was feeling so happy at that moment..I wanted to sing at the top of my lungs. I didn't want to spoil my happiness but..for the first time in months I actually..wanted to go some place else than my house and the hospital for my appointments.
"Carpe diem"..Oratius used to say.
"Seize the day,take time to smell the roses".
-Mum? Are you alright?
-Actually..I was wondering..can I please come with you to the hospital? To see how your sister is doing..and to say hi?
She grinned.
-Of course. Let's go.

As soon as we stepped into the hospital..I felt at home.
It was like I had never left. I wanted to dance around and to jump in the hallways. I felt tears in my eyes.
Laura put an arm around my shoulders.
-Mum..-she whispered -..are you alright? I can walk you to the car if you want..we can go back home..just..give me 10 minutes to find Aurore and leave her the tray..
-No,sweetheart.- I smiled- I'm alright.
-Are you sure?
I looked at her and I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.
-I am sure.-I assured her- Come on,now. Let's go and find Rory.
I started walking..well..more like wobbling..to the elevator. I pressed the button to the 8th floor,where the Endocrinology department was.
A few seconds later we got into the elevator and to the right floor.
I couldn't see Aurore anywhere. Laura was about to ask a nurse but I stopped her.
I had suddenly remembered where Aurore was.
-She's covering the diabetes clinic. -I said- She told me yesterday evening. I just remembered.
I took her arm.
-Come with me. The clinic is this way.
Laura started walking beside me.
After a few minutes,we got to the clinic. It had glass doors with a cartoon-like pancreas and lots of colourful chocolates and candies painted on it. It was all very colourful and happy looking..my mood improved quite a bit just by looking at it.
-What about this..-Laura's voice took me away from my thoughts-..I get in there first and give her the tray..and then you come in and surprise her?
-Okay.
-She's gonna be so happy to see you..she's gonna start jumping around or something. -Laura chuckled- She's also probably gonna give me the stink eye but..
I was confused. Rory wasn't used to do those sort of things..especially not to Laura.
She did mock Henry quite a bit and sometimes they still had silly fights about tiny things..just like when they were kids and he used to steal her dolls and make them ride on his toy cars. She did mock him but they loved each other to death..anyone could see it.
Yet..she never mocked Laura nor had fights with her. They had always been very close,since they were little.
-Why would she give you the stink eye,sweetie?
-Nothing.-she said- So..I'll go in now..otherwise these cannoli are gonna melt and become a big mess. You stay here. I'll text you when you can come in.
I nodded. She walked in and disappeared. I sat on a plastic chair,phone in hand..waiting for her to text me.
I wondered if it was the case I wore my badge..so that people wouldn't mistake me for a freak wandering around the hallways and potentially scaring their kids. I purposely was still wearing my sunglasses because the sad and grey-and proud- part of me didn't want my former colleagues to see me wobble around using a walker for support. A part of me didn't want to bump into a former colleague of mine and see pity in their eyes when they looked at me or talked to me. I knew it would have taken a while for me to walk unassisted again and most likely my walking wouldn't have been "normal" anymore..I would have always limped a little bit.
I knew it was really stupid and that I shouldn't have felt that bad just because I couldn't walk perfectly anymore or because my fine motor skills were still a little off.
I had been so lucky..and I knew it,deep inside.
But once again,depression had come upon me and the evil little monster that had been housing my mind since I was in my teens,had started torturing me and playing around with me.Most of the time fighting against it was exhausting and drained all the energy out of me.
I started rummaging into my purse to see if my badge was still in there. I got lucky..as a couple of minutes later,I pulled it out. I looked at it for a few minutes.
The picture on it was from 1 year earlier at the latest..but the woman on it didn't look like me..at all. It was like I had got 10 years older in a matter of 5 months.
I sighed loudly and then I put it on.
At that moment,my phone buzzed. It was Laura.
I took off my sunglasses and I wore my regular glasses instead. Then I got up from the chair and I started walking towards the clinic.
-Take this,evil monster! -I thought.
As soon as I walked in,I saw many kids running around.Then,I spotted Aurore and Laura,talking and eating cannoli at the nurses station.
I was behind them,they couldn't see me.
It felt so good to be there.
I slowly got closer to them and then I slightly touched Aurore's shoulder.
-Good morning,doctor Freedman...- I said-...are you gonna eat all those cannoli on your own? I thought I had taught you about sharing.
She turned around and she almost squealed. Then she grinned.
-Mum,is this really you? -she said- what are you doing here?
She hugged me and I returned the hug,squeezing her tightly.
-Hi,sweetie. -I said,after we broke the hug -Laura had to come over so I thought..why not?
-I'm so happy you're here! -she said.
She was so excited I was sure she was trying hard not to jump around. I used to do the exact same.
We were so similar,much to my disappointment.
She then got the tray with the pastries closer to me.
-Want a cannoli? -she asked.
I used to love sweets of any kind and to have a pretty bad case of sweet tooth.
I realised that,Strangely, at that moment I was actually hungry and I actually wanted to eat something. I then also realised that,for once,I could actually smell food without wanting to throw up.
-Yes,why not!
I smiled while Rory gave me one of the cannoli and a napkin. I noticed she had taken a ton of napkins for herself as well. That made me smile wider.
While eating pastries,she often managed to get powdered sugar or even the various fillings on her nose or her face..much like I did.
The cannoli Laura made were indeed the best I had ever tasted..beside maybe the ones I had had during my honeymoon in Italy.
Laura was a great pastry chef and she had actually completed part of her training in Southern Italy,after all.
While eating one of them..I surprisingly realised it didn't taste like cardboard,like all the food I had eaten in the previous months did.
I could actually taste the rich and decadent ricotta and sugar filling,the crispy and light pastry shell,the crunchy pistachios.
I could taste the bittersweet chocolate in the filling.
Oh boy..how much I had missed chocolate.
Chocolate... had always been one of my favourite things in the whole world.
I kept on eating,slowly.
-Is that good? -Laura asked me.
I nodded,while eating. Then I swallowed.
-It tastes amazing. -I said.
She grinned at me,
-I'm glad you like it.
I looked at both Laura and Aurore.
-Although I've just realised we should say " do you want a cannolo" instead of "do you want a cannoli" if we want to say it in correct Italian. "Cannoli" in Italian is actually plural..."cannolo" is singular. Laura,you should know this.
-I'm afraid I forgot all the Italian I knew..-she giggled- I've always been terrible at languages..
-Do you still remember Italian,after all this time? We went to Italy..what..20 years ago? -Aurore added. -Wow...
-I used to be good at it. -I said- I'm by no means fluent..but I still remember some basic grammar,some differences between Italian and English..stuff like that.
I actually would need a nice review of it all.
-I bet you know way more than you think! -Laura said- Remember when you ordered for us at that restaurant in Rome and the waiter complimented you on your Italian?
I felt my cheeks turning red.
-I'm sure he just wanted to be kind..
-You always underestimate yourself..and your abilities..-Laura sighed-..it's annoying.
I smiled at her.
- And you always overestimate my abilities,my dear.
She checked her watch.
-Anyways...I have to go to work now. -she said-I'm sure Theresa and Danielle are wondering where I am.
I cleaned the powdered sugar off my mouth and my hands with the napkin.
-Of course.- I said- Let's go.
I got closer to Aurore,who was about to shove her 3rd or 4th cannolo in her mouth.
-You are eating too many sweets. -I sweetly scolded her- They're delicious but all that sugar isn't good for you,baby.
-I can't help it! -she said- They're yummy! Blame it on Laura!
-Hey! -Laura protested- It's not my fault if I am super good at my job!
We all laughed.
I then hugged Aurore and squeezed her tightly.
-See you later,Rory,sweetheart. -I kissed her forehead- Don't overwork yourself.
-I won't,mum. -she said- I promise.
She paused and then she looked at me
Her eyes got sparkly and she grinned.
-Why don't you stay for a bit? -she said- So you can say hi to Henry when he's done with the craniotomy he's doing right now.
I held back a sigh.
Once again..she seemed so excited.
My heart broke at the thought of telling her no...but still..I didn't feel ready yet.
I still felt very out of place in the hospital.
I wasn't a doctor at that moment...nor a patient. I was in a weird place between the two and it felt very uncomfortable.
I no longer knew who I was in the hospital..what my role was.
-Sweetheart..I have to go grocery shopping and to clean the house a bit because the kids are gonna come over this afternoon.
Aurore went from excited to sad within seconds. The sparkle in her eyes disappeared,so did her grin.
She felt emotions very strongly,once again,much like I did.
I looked at her and I felt my heart breaking. I then felt horrible and selfish.
She wasn't asking me to see patients or to go down to the hem floor after all. She knew I wasn't ready for that.
She was just asking me to stay there for a bit.
I did have to go grocery shopping and to clean the house..I hadn't lied.
But I realised I had enough food in the house to last me for a couple of days..I just needed to pick up some stuff for the kids..fruit juice,chocolate milk,ice cream and the little pudding cups Sarah loved.
That could wait a couple of hours.
As far as cleaning the house,Laura had deep cleaned most of the rooms and changed the sheets of all the beds just two days earlier.
So that too could wait.
-Why don't you send me your grocery list? -Laura piped up- I actually have to go grocery shopping myself before picking up the kids from school. I'll get what you need as well and bring it to you along with the kids.
-And I can give you a ride home after lunch. -Aurore added,looking at me with puppy eyes- Please,mummy. It's just a couple of hours..we're gonna have fun...
I had no more excuses. And they knew,to that day still,I couldn't say no to puppy eyes.
I smiled.
-Okay,then. -I gave in- I guess..I'll stay.
Aurore grinned again. The sparkle in her eyes reappeared. I was sure she was trying hard not to jump around.
A few seconds later,I found myself wrapped tightly in her arms.
-I'm so happy you decided to stay. We're gonna have fun!
She was holding me so tightly I could barely breathe.
-Honey..you're crashing me..-I whispered.
-Oh..of course.
She let me go,mortified.
-I'm sorry.
I grinned at her.
-Don't worry. -I said- I know you're excited. ".

Pages

ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

It's Christmas! And a cookie recipe!

Don't give up!

A clean slate..

It's the little things in life...

"My world is upside down"

A conversation with Evie..

Dear future daughter...

You...saved me

Maybe..just maybe..I am still worth something..

Back home??

About me

Pinterest

Labels

recent posts

Blog Archive

Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images