" My world is upside down..AGAIN!"(Part 1)
5:13 AM
Laura
I woke up and glanced at my alarm clock. It
was late..I had overslept. Cursing
under my breath,I got up,showered quickly and got dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater. I pulled my hair
up in a messy bun and I was good
to go.
There was no time to put make up on. I kissed Chris on his cheek and I left him a note on his nightstand.
I ran downstairs and grabbed coffee and a muffin for breakfast. I left a sticky note to each of the kids..sticking each one on their respective lunch boxes,that,thankfully,I had packed the night before.
I then wore my coat and scarf,grabbed my keys and purse.
I got out the house and hopped in the car. When I was 10 minutes into my driving,Aurore called me.
-Hey,what's up?-I asked her- Are you okay?
-Hi,ray of sunshine..good morning to you too-she giggled- Did you get up from the wrong side of the bed this morning?
-Oh,shush. -I said- I'm terribly late..I'm driving to mum's now. We are so late,oh my..
-She didn't call me yet,so I suppose she's still sleeping. -she paused- with this gloomy weather,I don't blame her.
-Where are you now?
-At the hospital. About to start my shift.
I was wondering..do you still have some of those cannoli left at the bakery?
-Cannoli?- I was puzzled- Like..Italian ricotta filled pastries? You don't even like those!
-Apparently your niece does.
-Cravings,uh?-my voice became sweeter- I remember those.I'll tell you what..if you come to the bakery in an hour or so,I'll have a tray of cannoli ready for you.
-Yay!
-Do you want chocolate chips or candied fruit in them?
-Chocolate!
-You sound exactly like Sarah when I ask her what kind of cupcakes she wants me to bake. -I giggled- If I remember well,you are way older than five,aren't you?
-Hey!- she protested- Don't judge my love for food. Besides..I am a paediatrician..I will always be a kid at heart. I'll do everything I can to come to the bakery. But I have a pretty busy schedule today.
-What if I come over to the hospital with the cannoli instead?
-Could you really? That'd be great! -she could barely contain her excitement - In that case,can you please bring a bigger tray? So I can share.
-Of course.-I paused- mmmmm..
-What?
-I was thinking..what if I bring mum along when I come over to the hospital? Just to say hi?
I heard her sighing.
-Laura..she's not ready for that,yet..
-It's been 5 months.-I said,firmly- She needs to react. That's what aunt Andie says.
-She's getting out of bed every morning and she's trying her best to act as normal as possible even though her world has been flipped outside down once again. She's reacting already.
-Is she? She's..feeling sorry for herself,I think. She's not..sick...she just limps a bit. She should feel lucky. It's not like she has lost someone..
-Laura!
-What? It's the truth.
-Did you forget about dad?-her voice was full of anger- Uh,did you?
-Of course,I didn't. -I turned red -But it has been 35 years..
-Try to put yourself in her shoes for a bit..-she seemed like she was about to cry-..all these years...she has been holding on..for us. For you,me and Henry. And for her patients. Because we needed her.-she paused- Now..we're all grown up. And she's had a stroke so she can't work anymore..even though she still has a couple of years before retiring. Now she's vulnerable,she has become an easy prey for her bad thoughts. Plus..she feels useless..like she had lost her place in the world.
-How do you know all of this?-I asked her- Did she tell you?
-She didn't. But I know she feels like this. We have the same brain,the same mind...we are..
-You two and your special bond..-I interrupted her,kinda annoyed-...and then there's Henry who's the youngest,so he too is special.
-You are special as well. Mum is so proud of you. -her voice got sweeter- Henry and I look up to you.
-Why do you understand her so well? I..try. But I can't. I can never...what can I do to make her feel better?-I sighed- what can I do?
-Don't treat her like she was about to break. And don't force her to do things. Coming back to the hospital is..difficult for her. It's almost like you asked her to go back to Boston. It's difficult for her.
-I don't treat her like she was about to break!- I protested- I'm just worried about her. I don't want her to get hurt..
-I understand. -she paused- It's normal to be worried. But she's pretty much back to normal now,physically. She takes all her meds daily,she's learning new ways to do things..she calls us when she needs help. You should have seen her yesterday evening..when I asked her to help me once the baby comes or when Henry asked her some questions about a little patient of his. She..lit up. She seemed 10 years younger,really.
-I don't know anything about medicine so..
-That's not the point. -she sighed- The point is..treat her like you used to do 5 months ago. She's..still the same. I mean..she's still mum.
-How do I do it? I...
-Leave her the kids this afternoon. I don't know..go shopping,go get a pedi,whatever you like. Have some "me time". Trust me when I tell you she's gonna be so happy to have them with her.
-I don't know..Sarah..she likes running around,mum might not..
-Sarah is well behaved. She'll listen if mum tells her not to run around..she loves her! Ashley and Timmy are older so they're not a problem.
-Timmy has to hand in a science project on Monday.-I suddenly remembered- He's behind. He asked me to ask you or Henry if one of you could help him with it.
-What is the project about?
-The human body. He has to pick out something they studied in class and do some little research on it. Can you help him?
-No,I'm sorry. -she said- I have a long busy day today.
-Okay,no worries. I'll ask Henry.
-I don't think he'll be able to help him either. He's on night shifts all weekend,he sleeps during the day..I mean..
-Ugh..what do we do now? I don't know a thing about that stuff..who can I ask help to?
-Uhm..hello,Laura?!?- she seemed annoyed- Your mother is a physician like Henry and I. She can help Timmy this afternoon.
-Oh..you're right. I forgot about her..
-And this takes me to the second point. -she said- If one of the kids gets a cold or something and you want reassurance before taking them to the doctor, don't come to me. Ask mum.
-But she's...
-...very good and up to date. She might still have difficulties with her fine motor skills,but she can still read textbooks and think like a doctor. And she still has a steel memory.
I thought about it. Maybe Aurore was right. She understood mum in a way I had never had...they were basically twins. They had always had some sort of special bond. Maybe I was treating mum differently indeed..and instead of protecting her,I was hurting her.
She..was still my mum,after all. She could still help me out..just more slowly than she used to,maybe.
I did try to make her laugh and forget about her feelings for a bit..that was why I insisted on taking her out with me anytime I could or on taking her to Children's to say hi to her old patients and colleagues. That was why I often organised dinners and get togethers with family and cooked tons of food..like I had done just the night before. She loved food so much..or at least,she used to.
I smiled,to myself.
Maybe I had taken my love for food from her. I had always thought we had virtually nothing in common..both physically speaking and emotionally speaking.
She herself always said I had taken everything from dad..that I was basically his carbon copy. Once she had confessed me she was so glad I was her complete opposite and that she hoped I wouldn't have had the same problems she had growing up.
I was desperately trying to help her. But at that moment..listening to Aurore's words,I realised that I wasn't helping her at all by forcing her to do things..to go back to her old life and her old self.
She did decline all my asking her to go over to this or that place or to do this or that thing,after all.
Politely..but she did decline all of them. Sometimes I wondered how she managed to always be so kind and polite..in situations where I would have jumped to someone's neck or got pissed and yelled,to say the least. Aurore was like her..so kind and polite,almost all the time. I was sure they had their breakdowns and bad moments but..somehow most of the time,they were able not to show it..to keep them for themselves.
Henry, on the other hand,was kind and polite yes,but he did burst sometimes..for everyone to see,much like I did.
Mum always said he was the perfect mix of her and dad..both physically and emotionally speaking.
She also always said that we-Henry,Aurore and I- had saved her.
Especially Henry. In fact,once she had told me that the day Henry was born was the day when she realised she could indeed go on and the first day she truly smiled since dad's accident.
Maybe Aurore was right. Maybe we could help her once again.
-Laura,I have to go now. -Aurore's voice interrupted my thoughts-Someone is paging me.
-Oh,okay. I almost got to mum's anyway.
-Laura,promise me you won't force her to come to the hospital to see me. When she's ready..she'll tell you herself.
-I promise. -I said- I'll see you in an hour or so with a huge tray of cannoli,okay?
-Okay,yay! Can't wait!
There was her excitement about food again. The same mum used to have.
-I'll call my hairdresser later. -I went on-To see if she can fit me in for an haircut and colour this afternoon. My split ends are horrible and my roots..oh,they're awful.
-And the kids? Both Henry and I are super busy today.
I understood she was testing me. But I knew the right answer.
-I'll leave them with mum.
-You promise?
-Aurore!
-Promise me.
-I promise. -I sighed- Pinky swear.
-Very good. I have to go now.
-Bye. I'll see you later.
And she hung up.
A few minutes later,I got to mum's. I parked and got out of the car.
I opened the door and got into the house.
-Mum! -I called- Mum!
There was no time to put make up on. I kissed Chris on his cheek and I left him a note on his nightstand.
I ran downstairs and grabbed coffee and a muffin for breakfast. I left a sticky note to each of the kids..sticking each one on their respective lunch boxes,that,thankfully,I had packed the night before.
I then wore my coat and scarf,grabbed my keys and purse.
I got out the house and hopped in the car. When I was 10 minutes into my driving,Aurore called me.
-Hey,what's up?-I asked her- Are you okay?
-Hi,ray of sunshine..good morning to you too-she giggled- Did you get up from the wrong side of the bed this morning?
-Oh,shush. -I said- I'm terribly late..I'm driving to mum's now. We are so late,oh my..
-She didn't call me yet,so I suppose she's still sleeping. -she paused- with this gloomy weather,I don't blame her.
-Where are you now?
-At the hospital. About to start my shift.
I was wondering..do you still have some of those cannoli left at the bakery?
-Cannoli?- I was puzzled- Like..Italian ricotta filled pastries? You don't even like those!
-Apparently your niece does.
-Cravings,uh?-my voice became sweeter- I remember those.I'll tell you what..if you come to the bakery in an hour or so,I'll have a tray of cannoli ready for you.
-Yay!
-Do you want chocolate chips or candied fruit in them?
-Chocolate!
-You sound exactly like Sarah when I ask her what kind of cupcakes she wants me to bake. -I giggled- If I remember well,you are way older than five,aren't you?
-Hey!- she protested- Don't judge my love for food. Besides..I am a paediatrician..I will always be a kid at heart. I'll do everything I can to come to the bakery. But I have a pretty busy schedule today.
-What if I come over to the hospital with the cannoli instead?
-Could you really? That'd be great! -she could barely contain her excitement - In that case,can you please bring a bigger tray? So I can share.
-Of course.-I paused- mmmmm..
-What?
-I was thinking..what if I bring mum along when I come over to the hospital? Just to say hi?
I heard her sighing.
-Laura..she's not ready for that,yet..
-It's been 5 months.-I said,firmly- She needs to react. That's what aunt Andie says.
-She's getting out of bed every morning and she's trying her best to act as normal as possible even though her world has been flipped outside down once again. She's reacting already.
-Is she? She's..feeling sorry for herself,I think. She's not..sick...she just limps a bit. She should feel lucky. It's not like she has lost someone..
-Laura!
-What? It's the truth.
-Did you forget about dad?-her voice was full of anger- Uh,did you?
-Of course,I didn't. -I turned red -But it has been 35 years..
-Try to put yourself in her shoes for a bit..-she seemed like she was about to cry-..all these years...she has been holding on..for us. For you,me and Henry. And for her patients. Because we needed her.-she paused- Now..we're all grown up. And she's had a stroke so she can't work anymore..even though she still has a couple of years before retiring. Now she's vulnerable,she has become an easy prey for her bad thoughts. Plus..she feels useless..like she had lost her place in the world.
-How do you know all of this?-I asked her- Did she tell you?
-She didn't. But I know she feels like this. We have the same brain,the same mind...we are..
-You two and your special bond..-I interrupted her,kinda annoyed-...and then there's Henry who's the youngest,so he too is special.
-You are special as well. Mum is so proud of you. -her voice got sweeter- Henry and I look up to you.
-Why do you understand her so well? I..try. But I can't. I can never...what can I do to make her feel better?-I sighed- what can I do?
-Don't treat her like she was about to break. And don't force her to do things. Coming back to the hospital is..difficult for her. It's almost like you asked her to go back to Boston. It's difficult for her.
-I don't treat her like she was about to break!- I protested- I'm just worried about her. I don't want her to get hurt..
-I understand. -she paused- It's normal to be worried. But she's pretty much back to normal now,physically. She takes all her meds daily,she's learning new ways to do things..she calls us when she needs help. You should have seen her yesterday evening..when I asked her to help me once the baby comes or when Henry asked her some questions about a little patient of his. She..lit up. She seemed 10 years younger,really.
-I don't know anything about medicine so..
-That's not the point. -she sighed- The point is..treat her like you used to do 5 months ago. She's..still the same. I mean..she's still mum.
-How do I do it? I...
-Leave her the kids this afternoon. I don't know..go shopping,go get a pedi,whatever you like. Have some "me time". Trust me when I tell you she's gonna be so happy to have them with her.
-I don't know..Sarah..she likes running around,mum might not..
-Sarah is well behaved. She'll listen if mum tells her not to run around..she loves her! Ashley and Timmy are older so they're not a problem.
-Timmy has to hand in a science project on Monday.-I suddenly remembered- He's behind. He asked me to ask you or Henry if one of you could help him with it.
-What is the project about?
-The human body. He has to pick out something they studied in class and do some little research on it. Can you help him?
-No,I'm sorry. -she said- I have a long busy day today.
-Okay,no worries. I'll ask Henry.
-I don't think he'll be able to help him either. He's on night shifts all weekend,he sleeps during the day..I mean..
-Ugh..what do we do now? I don't know a thing about that stuff..who can I ask help to?
-Uhm..hello,Laura?!?- she seemed annoyed- Your mother is a physician like Henry and I. She can help Timmy this afternoon.
-Oh..you're right. I forgot about her..
-And this takes me to the second point. -she said- If one of the kids gets a cold or something and you want reassurance before taking them to the doctor, don't come to me. Ask mum.
-But she's...
-...very good and up to date. She might still have difficulties with her fine motor skills,but she can still read textbooks and think like a doctor. And she still has a steel memory.
I thought about it. Maybe Aurore was right. She understood mum in a way I had never had...they were basically twins. They had always had some sort of special bond. Maybe I was treating mum differently indeed..and instead of protecting her,I was hurting her.
She..was still my mum,after all. She could still help me out..just more slowly than she used to,maybe.
I did try to make her laugh and forget about her feelings for a bit..that was why I insisted on taking her out with me anytime I could or on taking her to Children's to say hi to her old patients and colleagues. That was why I often organised dinners and get togethers with family and cooked tons of food..like I had done just the night before. She loved food so much..or at least,she used to.
I smiled,to myself.
Maybe I had taken my love for food from her. I had always thought we had virtually nothing in common..both physically speaking and emotionally speaking.
She herself always said I had taken everything from dad..that I was basically his carbon copy. Once she had confessed me she was so glad I was her complete opposite and that she hoped I wouldn't have had the same problems she had growing up.
I was desperately trying to help her. But at that moment..listening to Aurore's words,I realised that I wasn't helping her at all by forcing her to do things..to go back to her old life and her old self.
She did decline all my asking her to go over to this or that place or to do this or that thing,after all.
Politely..but she did decline all of them. Sometimes I wondered how she managed to always be so kind and polite..in situations where I would have jumped to someone's neck or got pissed and yelled,to say the least. Aurore was like her..so kind and polite,almost all the time. I was sure they had their breakdowns and bad moments but..somehow most of the time,they were able not to show it..to keep them for themselves.
Henry, on the other hand,was kind and polite yes,but he did burst sometimes..for everyone to see,much like I did.
Mum always said he was the perfect mix of her and dad..both physically and emotionally speaking.
She also always said that we-Henry,Aurore and I- had saved her.
Especially Henry. In fact,once she had told me that the day Henry was born was the day when she realised she could indeed go on and the first day she truly smiled since dad's accident.
Maybe Aurore was right. Maybe we could help her once again.
-Laura,I have to go now. -Aurore's voice interrupted my thoughts-Someone is paging me.
-Oh,okay. I almost got to mum's anyway.
-Laura,promise me you won't force her to come to the hospital to see me. When she's ready..she'll tell you herself.
-I promise. -I said- I'll see you in an hour or so with a huge tray of cannoli,okay?
-Okay,yay! Can't wait!
There was her excitement about food again. The same mum used to have.
-I'll call my hairdresser later. -I went on-To see if she can fit me in for an haircut and colour this afternoon. My split ends are horrible and my roots..oh,they're awful.
-And the kids? Both Henry and I are super busy today.
I understood she was testing me. But I knew the right answer.
-I'll leave them with mum.
-You promise?
-Aurore!
-Promise me.
-I promise. -I sighed- Pinky swear.
-Very good. I have to go now.
-Bye. I'll see you later.
And she hung up.
A few minutes later,I got to mum's. I parked and got out of the car.
I opened the door and got into the house.
-Mum! -I called- Mum!
I had just texted Laura another time when I heard her voice calling me.
We were late but we could still get to the hospital on time.
-Mum! -she called- Mum!
-I'm getting down,sweetie! -I yelled back- Just a sec!
I had been trying buttoning up my cardigan for the past 15 minutes or so,while waiting for her,with no success.I wanted to try one last time.
I took a deep breath.
I tried and I finally managed to button up half of it first,then the other half as well.
-I did it. -I whispered- I did it! Yes!
Laura ran into the room and put one arm around my shoulders.
-What's wrong? -she asked me- Are you hurt? Why did you scream?
-I'm alright. -I smiled -I buttoned up my cardigan. See?
She looked at it and smiled.
-Very good. I knew you could do it.
-Well..I didn't.
-Come on,let's go now. -she said- I have something to ask you.
-What is it,baby? -I caressed her cheek- Are you alright?
-Of course. I just need a favour.-she paused- But now we really need to get going.
We got in the car and Laura started driving.
-How are you today,Laur?-I asked her- All okay?
-I'm okay. Just tired.
The sun had started bothering my eyes. I grabbed my sunglasses from my purse and I put them on.
-You look a bit like a diva..-Laura giggled- Those sunglasses are amazing.
-I love them..but I'm afraid I got too old to wear them by now. -I sighed- I'll give them to you once we get home...if you want them. They'll look great on you.
-You are not old.-she pointed out- Great aunt Catherine is old,not you. She's like 2 hundred years old..at least,according to uncle Alex. And another old bat was her sister..great aunt Muriel.
As soon as she mentioned her,something came up to my mind. An happy memory from almost 40 years earlier.
-A memory came up to my mind..something fun about me and your dad,that maybe might be a bit TMI for you. Do you wanna hear it?
-Of course.
-When I married your dad I was almost 31. We both had decided to finish our fellowships before getting married. So we graduated in May and got married in June.
We both wanted a family..your dad often said he wanted a football team of our own.
We started trying right after the wedding because I had convinced myself my time was running low.
But..despite trying and trying and trying again..nothing was happening. I was so sad and frustrated. I had once again convinced myself it was my fault. I even had several blood works done..to check on my hormones levels. Everything was normal..according to those and to my OB and auntie Emma. -I paused- One night,I couldn't sleep. So I took my blood work and I went to the library we had in the house. I sat on the couch there,took my old textbooks and started reading through them,while going over my labs again. Your dad came in almost an hour later..I remember it was 4 in the morning. I broke down in his arms..saying it was my fault because I was old. He held me and told me his aunt Muriel was old,not me.
-I didn't know about this. -she said- Well..sorry if it took me a while to come,I guess.
She smiled at me.
-That night..your dad convinced me we needed to take a break and I reluctantly agreed. So we did take a break.-I paused- One night,we had come back from an Halloween party at the hospital and..
-Ewwww! TMI!
-You're right,sorry. -I smiled- In the end you came..our beautiful precious baby girl.
You took your sweet time but once I first held you in my arms..everything was worth it.
I paused.
-God only knows what I told your dad when I was in labour! I must have told him a lot of bad stuff..-I giggled- But I was so blessed to have him there with me. He spent 20 hours straight rubbing my back,feeding me ice chips and telling me how much he loved me. I vividly remember at some point I told him it was all his fault if I was in pain..and he told me I was right.-I smiled while remembering-
I was in so much pain..it was horrible. Also because I decided to go all natural.
-No epidural or anything? -she was surprised- Wow.
-It was pretty stupid,actually. Nothing to look up to. -I paused- In fact right after you were born,I decided I would have got an epidural next time.
-And you did?
-I couldn't. - I chuckled- I'm always a bit embarrassed when I tell people why. Since I was a doctor and I had already had you,I should have known better..
-How?
We stopped at a red light and Laura looked at me.
-What happened?
-It was a rainy mid October afternoon and I had been forced to leave work earlier than usual due to a pretty bad lower back pain that had been bothering me all day long . I was 36 weeks pregnant with Rory at the time and both your dad and your aunt Laurie forced me to go back home,lay down and relax. Auntie Amy picked you up from daycare and the 3 of us went home. Auntie Amy then insisted to take care of the chores and to watch you so that I could try and sleep for a bit. So I got into comfy clothes and started watching House MD reruns in bed.
-You are such a workaholic nerd..-Laura teased me-...my gosh..
-I was,uh? -I paused- Anyways..I relaxed and Aunt Amy took you to her place for the night. Then your dad came home,we had dinner..watched some tv and called it a night.
The light turned green and Laura resumed driving.
-Then?
I could feel how curious she was,just from her voice.
-Then..around 4 30 that night..an excruciating pain in my lower back and lower abdomen woke me up. I felt that the sheets under me were soaked. -I paused- I figured out that the baby was coming and I panicked. I still don't know how I managed to move,get up and get dressed. I was so scared.
I woke up your dad,in tears. He too was scared but he comforted me and told me everything was going to be alright. He got dressed and called your Aunt Laurie,to tell her we were going to the hospital. Thankfully she was on call and she told us to go straight to L&D where she would meet us.
I paused again.
-At that point,I was in so much pain that I could barely walk..deep inside I knew something wasn't quite right. I was shaking from top to toe..I remember your dad had to carry me to and into the car.
We lived max 10 minutes away from the Brigham..but to me,that night,those 10 minutes seemed like an eternity.
I was in so much pain..breathing didn't help one bit..and I was so scared because I was only 36 weeks along.
Once we finally got to the hospital,I was feeling terrible.
In the ED,they got me in a wheelchair,paged aunt Laurie and rushed me to L&D.
There,aunt Laurie checked on me and she told me the baby was crowning.
-Really?-Laura said- How was that even possible?
I smiled at her.
-I remember I said the same exact thing. Aunt Laurie told me I probably had been in labour all afternoon and didn't notice.-I paused- She told me it could happen and that it was very common but I felt horrible..because I hadn't noticed it and I could have put your sister in danger.
Although I was in so much pain,I remember I insisted on being hooked up to a fetal monitor..but there wasn't time.
The only thing I could do was getting the baby out as soon as possible.
-That must have been scary. -Laura commented- I can't even imagine. At this point,I'm even more grateful I decided on scheduled C-sections.
-You should be. -I giggled- Thankfully, I was able to get her out in a matter of 20 minutes or even less.
I will never forget how relieved I felt when I heard her crying and screaming out of her lungs.
She was healthy,but,since I was a paediatrician, I insisted they took her to the NICU to keep an eye on her overnight.
After she was born I had other issues myself and quite a bad time..but thankfully everything went well in the end.
-Are. - Laura pointed out.
-What,sweetheart?
-You said " I was". You are still a paediatrician.
I held back a sigh.
-So no epidural for me.
-I hope you had one with Henry,then.
I sighed.
-I didn't,actually. -I paused- So..what did you want to ask me?
-I was wondering whether you could watch the kids for a couple of hours this afternoon..-she quickly looked at me- ..I..have some stuff to get done.
I couldn't believe my ears. Had she really just asked me that?
She hadn't left me the kids since..ages. She always said she didn't need help or that the kids were too much trouble for me since I needed to "relax,take it easy and recover" or so she said..quoting both my PM&R and my neurologist.
I suspected Rory had something to do with her finally trusting me again. Rory knew me so well..she had probably understood that I was feeling useless.
-Mum? Hello?!?- Laura's voice brought me back to reality.
I grinned at her. I was so happy I wanted to hug her. I was so grateful I wanted to cry.
-Really? -I said - Do you trust me with them?
-Of course..-she replied,almost annoyingly - You're still their Nana,after all. And you're a doctor on top of that..so..
I wanted to scream "Thank you,thank you,thank you" at the top of my lungs but I tried to stay calm.
-Oh and..Timmy has to do a science project about the human body..due on Monday. Could you help him?
At that point I was so happy I could burst. I felt tears in my eyes..and I was thankful for the fact that I had my sunglasses on.
- So... I get to spend the afternoon with the kids and to teach them stuff about the human body? I'm on cloud nine,here!
I grinned again.
-Bring them over to my place after school. -I could barely contain my excitement- I'll take care of them.
-Sold.
I couldn't stop smiling.
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