ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

Don't let it destroy you. Let it empower you.

2:03 AM

Who knows me knows I'm a writer.

I started writing original stories when I was 12..so it's gonna be 10 years soon..ahhh.

I've been thinking about why I started writing about Liz (aka my protagonist. She's a pediatric benign hematologist who trained in Boston and moved back home to Southern California after her husband passed. She has 3 kids. In the past she has suffered from depression and anxiety and one of her biggest passion and commitments is to advocate for children's mental health).

I've come to the conclusion that I did that to deal with feelings of loneliness and self loathing that started haunting me when I was in junior high.

The other kids were mean to me.

They treated me like a burden and a bother because of my CP.

I was always on my own and would make people copy my homework to earn their love.

As the time went by,I got more and more convinced I was someone worth hating. That there was something inside me that pushed people away.

I started hating myself.

So I thought I would create a better version of myself.

Someone who represented everything I wanted to become and more.

That's who Liz is.

To my dismay when I am stressed or down I get angry at myself because I am not "her" yet.

When I find myself slipping into this stupid self pity thing,I try to stop and think rationally.

Here is what I try to tell myself.

- I cannot be the adult super cool version of her yet.

I'm 22.

-She struggled too. I write openly about both her struggles and my own,in order to deal with them.

Struggling is normal.

-Not even her(aka the person I wanna become) is always perfect or beautiful or always has everything together.

So why the heck should I be?

-I created her starting from a mix of who I was and who I want to become.

I am not exactly her yet. That's okay.

Strive for progress,not perfection.

Cherish every little accomplishment,every little tiny baby step.

One way or another..it will be worth it.

Now I wanna tell you something. Whether you are a writer or just someone with big goals and dreams,whether you are a pre med,a doctor,a pre law student,an athlete..a person with a big project for his or her life..listen up.

If you too have an "Elizabeth" (aka the future version of yourself you're striving to become. I gave her a name because I happen to like writing. Yours might not have a name,or might just be called like you..it's you after all!) in your life,that's okay.

That's great.

It helps to have precise goals for your life.

But please..never get angry at yourself because you're not that person yet.

Please never hate yourself because you're not there yet.

Please let that person empower you.

Don't let it destroy you.

guest post

Anything is possible: Meet Eleonora! (FIRST GUEST POST!!)

1:08 AM

Hello,friends!

Today I'm thrilled to share with you my very first guest post. It's from Eleonora,a friend of mine to whom I look up.

I met her through Instagram and we became friends.

She's one of the most positive and passionate people I know.

If you wanna know more about her,her social media are below.

Without further ado,I'll leave you to her amazing post.

************************************************************************************

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. “

Vincent Van Gogh

Hello, fellow Earthlings.

My name is Eleonora (or,for all space friends here, simply Cosmoeleonora), I am Italian and I am a mom. My dream is not becoming an astronaut or a scientist as the majority of you could think. Not anymore, at least. To be honest, I am probably too old to pursue a degree and find a job in these fields. Despite this I am a space fool and I would love you to begin your journey of seeking and discovering the cosmos with me.

I have started getting involved in space stuff since childhood. I used to watch all sci-fi movies and tv series about with far- distant worlds and multi universes. By the way, I am a Star Trek fan, how about you?

I have recently begun studying all astronomical issues from exoplanets to nebulae , blackholes galaxies..you name it.

I don’t yet own a telescope ( but I will get myself one soon and share my exciting discoveries with you, don’ t doubt about that!;) )but I spend my spare outside looking up at the universe and taking random shots at the Moon and planets with my phone.

I love and cherish every minute of the time I spend doing these said things.

One of my biggest dreams is teaching, motivating and sharing my love for space with people all – with special attention to the youngsters.

By doing so,I hope to help people to look at life differently: with humility and curiosity but also with courage.

The courage of those who believe in their dreams,are determined and don’t give up.

How do I do all this?

Well..to start with, I love to post and share what I learned -and are currently learning through my readings and research- on my social media, in a simple but passionate way.

For this reason,I have created a fb page about all things astronomy ( check under my photo below for info), a brand new youtube channel and an Instagram profile,on which people can follow me and see what I’m up to.

I see this as a way of keeping track of all I learn, while telling readers about the nighty sky and everything astronomy.

The space is really something incredibile.

I think it’s important for people to try and be more aware of this.

You see.. we all are always busy with routine life, problems and duties that,more often than not,lead us to be stressed and generally.

If you find yourself in this situation, my suggestion to you is this : stop for a moment and look up.

You will discover a second reality above your heads.

Those bright dots you see in the sky will no longer be simple dots, but a door through which science and imagination will lead you where no man has been to before.

So, If you’re interested, I hope you tag along my journey through the stars. Come on, let’s fly!

About me.

I remember when I was a little girl, I had dreams like every child on Earth. And yes, I too had my fair share of days where i jumped all over the house, saying : “ Mum, I will be an astronaut! I will be an astronaut”.

As far as I can remember,one of my biggest dreams was to fly over to the Moon

Growing up, new interests and perhaps more realistic hobbies kept my soul on fire.

However, that sense of wonder about those brilliant dots in the sky, all thousand questions about the universe came back to my mind in a particular period of my life.

It was a summer night . I couldn’ t sleep.

My life was not going as I had dreamt of. I had just got separated and in addition to it, I was suffering due to other personal issues. I felt discouraged. I went out to the balcony and looked up, trying to find a soothing remedy in something outside of me.

And in that very precise moment I magically realized that time was not there anymore.

My problems did trouble me nomore.

Right there I was staring into the heart of infinity and all my sadness seemed dwarfed. It made me feel like crying, yet smiling at the same time. That night I figured out what my dream really was and became aware that I had to do all I possibly could to share with other people what I was feeling right then

Pursuing this is not an easy task, guys. I know that.

I may spend a lot of my days in awe at the beauty of the universe, but I spend probably an equal amount of time in frustration and distress knowing that not everybody will follow me. On the contrary some people probably laugh at my timewasting hobby.

However, I don’t give up on my dream. When I fall,I pull myself up again.

No, I’m not them. I am me and I feel reassured when I go back outside to look at the stars.

Pursuing what you love might make you feel you defeated,yes. But it’s the moment you decide to not let your fears defy you…that’s when you’re reminded of why you are pursuing it in the first place. That’s when your goal becomes beautiful again.

I often think back to myself as a young girl, excited to become an astronaut.

It’s funny how times change. But I also sometimes wonder about how different my life would be if I wasn’t interested in astronomy.

The future is uncertain, but if you have something to set your dreams and aspirations on, life becomes this beautiful and amazing thing.

One thing is for certain: looking differently at the night sky has changed who I am, and what I stand for. It may sound cheesy, but it’s an incredible feeling trying to understand the vastness of space. There is a whole universe to discover. Anything is possible. Seeing the universe in its raw beauty is almost magical. I plan on always dreaming big: for even if I don’t land on the Moon or Mars or beyond, I will have landed among the stars.

life

Instead of saying...(free flow of thoughts)

3:41 PM

Ahhhh..long time no blogging,guys!

Life has been pretty..well..I won't say hectic,but I sure am really stressed right now.

(Proof of this is how horrible my skin looks right now..~~pimples galore!~~..really bad!)

You see..I'm re taking ochem and physics and I am still in the process of figuring out how I study best for those.

And that,believe me,is stressing me out way more that the actual studying is.

Yes,lame.

I'm realising that one of the most difficult things about college/uni/higher education is understanding how you study best(and by this I mean how you retain and understand information! I'm not talking grades here. Grades DO NOT define you.) for x,y,z subjects.

The way you study for pathology might be difficult from the way you study for orgo.

And the way your "perfect classmate who makes As everytime"studies might not work for you.

And that DOES NOT mean you are stupid or dumb.

It just means you're different and you learn differently from that person.

We are all different and THAT'S OKAY. That's normal.

Okay,now that I'm done with giving myself a pep talk(yes,you caught me! I need to tell myself those things every day),let's move on to something else.

This morning I realised I say "I hate biotech"(or "I hate being stuck here. I hate having CP"...) way too many times.

And that's not good.

Yes,biotech has never been part of "my plans".

Yes,3 years ago I would have never thought I would have ended up here.

Yes,it's not my favourite and I don't have a passion for every class I have to take( e.g. I loved pathology and med chem and physiology. I struggled with molecular biology and I still can't believe I passed it with low grade A the second time I took it) but,let's face it..even in med school there are gonna be "yay!"classes and "so-so" classes and "uhhh,this is torture!" classes,I'm sure.

It's just how it is.

You can't have the rainbow without a little rain,right?

And if something doesn't challenge you,it won't change you,right?

So..from today,I will try not to say "I hate biotech" or "I hate this,this and this" or "Oh,if only I were there instead of here. If only I were/had this or that..."

INSTEAD I will try to say:

"Biotech has never been part of my plans but I can learn so much from it,both school wise and experience wise. So I will try to embrace it and get the most out of it instead of hating it."

"I do feel like I should have moved out by now and I hate CP because it has made me live in a bubble my whole life and now I feel so behind.

I'm not as stuck as I think I am, though.

I have gone on a trip on my own. I have passed 10 (might be more,don't wanna count them) college level science classes.

I have learned to walked in flip flops.

I am able to cook my own food and I have discovered a passion for baking.

I have lost nearly 40 pounds and walked a lot more than I thought I could.

I am now able to wear rings and knee lenght boots for the first time in my life!!(whaat?).

I wore shorts this summer. SHORTS! ME!

So no..I'm not as stuck as I think I am. I've made a lot of progress and I have grown.

Therefore..I should not feel that bad about "being stuck" because I'm not actually in the same place I was 3 years ago. I have grown a lot."

my stories

Arriverai senza nemmeno far rumore...*

3:01 PM

PART 1

We lived 10 minutes away from the Brigham but to me,that night,the ride home felt ages long.

The sealed envelope with the results was tucked into a pocket in my purse.

When the lab tech handed it to me, I was torn.

A part of me wanted to tear it open right away..rip off the bandage.

The other was terrified of opening it.

I told Mark I had the results and we decided we would read them at home after dinner.

At that moment,I was in the kitchen.

I was chopping up veggies for Mark's salad while waiting for my oatmeal to cook up.

At some point,I felt Mark's arms wrapping around my waist.

-Your pjs are warmed up and ready for you.

-Thank you.

-Go up and change. I'll take care of dinner.

I turned around and found myself wrapped in his arms.

-Are you sure you want oatmeal for dinner?

-Yes. -I smiled- I'm not that hungry.

And I wasn't. I was too nervous to stomach oatmeal,go figure anything else.

He smiled back at me.

I was in the bathroom,staring at myself in the mirror.

It was crazy how many times I had done that as a teenager.

I would spend hours staring at my belly,hoping it would get more toned just by me staring at it.

My stomach area had always been what I had most trouble accepting.

I had always felt too fat..from the age of 10 to the age of 20,when I had started to eat healthy and work out.

At that moment though..I was staring at my stomach yes..but for the first time in 20 years,I was hoping to see I had gained weight.

I knew that,if I were pregnant at all,I was very early on.

I also knew some women didn't start showing up until they were 25 weeks along.

But still I was there,staring at my belly.

-Stop with this nonsense. -I told myself at some point-You're making it worse.

I put my pjs on,took off my make up and put my hair up.

I then walked to the kitchen.

Mark was waiting for me,his plate still empty.

-Here you are..

He told me while I sat at the table.

-You spent quite some time upstairs. -he looked at me- Are you okay?

-Yes. -I smiled- The bathroom was so warm I didn't wanna leave it.

-You tell me..that's why I am always running late in the morning.

I'll reheat your oatmeal.

-I can do it myself. -I said,getting up- Eat before your food freezes.

-Sit tight. -he insisted-Let me behave like the gentleman I am.

-Ahhh,you're impossible sometimes.-I smiled at him- You're lucky I love you.

I was shaking from top to toe and my heart was beating fast.

That's how I always felt before doing something that scared me.

It wasn't pleasant. Not one bit.

Mark and I were in bed.

I was staring at the white sealed envelope laying in my lap.

It was time. Finally.

I was anxious and terrified.

-Shall I open it?-Mark's voice.

I was so out that I couldn't even talk.

-I'm gonna open it,okay?

-No..-I suddenly said-..I open it. You read it.

He looked at me and smiled.

-Okay. Now?

I took a deep deep breath.

-What if it's negative? -I whispered.

-It just means we need to try again. Nothing more.

I once again took a deep breath,counted to three and finally ripped the envelope open.

A neatly folded sheet of paper landed in my lap.

Mark looked at me.

-Ready?

-As ready as I'll ever be,I guess.

-Either way..whatever it says,it's gonna be fine.

"If you say so.." I thought to myself while he unfolded the sheet.

My heart was beating like it was about to escape out of my chest.

I realised that,even though I had been suffering from anxiety my all life,I maybe had never felt that anxious.

Mark started reading through the results.

I felt like I had to throw up but I tried to ignore it.

-I'm about to pass out..-I thought-.. any minute.

I was so glad I was laying in bed already.

At some point,Mark put the sheet down.

Then he looked at me. I couldn't understand his expression.

He looked shocked,frozen.

I got worried.

-Then?

No answer.

I got even more worried.

-Mark..you look shocked..-I said,in a shaking voice-..please say something.

-I..I..- he started- I am just..

-You're just..what?

I was about to cry.

-I am just trying..to metabolise the fact that I am gonna be a dad soon!!

Now I was the frozen one. I couldn't understand anything.

Mark gave me a huge grin..his eyes sparkly.

He then squeezed me tightly.

- Whohoooho! We're having a baby! He kissed me on my lips.

- Oh,I love you so much!

I still couldn't understand anything. Was that really happening? Was it a dream?

Mark looked at me.

-Lizzie? -he said- Are you okay?

I couldn't talk.

-Lizzie..have you heard what I said?

His grin turned into a worried expression as he looked at me.

-Sweetheart..

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

-...please,say something. No rush.

I still didn't believe it was true. I might have misheard or misunderstood his words.

-We're having a baby.

He gave me a smile.

-Aren't you happy about it?

There. He said it again.

He squeezed me even tighter,making it so I was resting my head on his chest. Something about hearing his heartbeat calmed me down.

-We..we're having a baby? - I finally managed to whisper.

-We are,Lizzie. -Mark replied,a smile in his voice- We are.

It was true. As soon as I realised that..tears started streaming down my cheeks.

Tears of happiness,relief and gratitude.

Mark started stroking my back gently.

-It's okay.

He kissed my forehead.

-It's okay.

*It means "You're gonna come without making any noise".

It's part of the lyrics from a song called "Celeste"by Laura Pausini,my very favourite Italian singer.

life

About "embracing the glorious mess that you are.."

12:35 AM

It's okay not to be perfect.

Just do your best each and every day.

Now..I'll tell you something really silly.

As many of you know,I love writing and I've been writing about my protagonist(Liz)for almost 10 years now(jeez..I'm old!!). When I first created her I made it so she was everything I wanted to be in life when I was older. And I don't mean "just" a doctor,a wife and a mum.

Way more than that.

I made her kind,sweet,soft-spoken,relatively fit,good with people and kids,relatively pretty.

To the 12 year old me she was "perfect" and represented my "goal" to reach in life.

She still does.

But..as I grew up and she grew up and developed with me,despite still representing my goals,she stopped being "perfect". In fact,without noticing,I started making it so she was more similar to a real person(maybe that person was me..whoops)rather than the result of my life goals mixed together into a character.

She started having flaws and imperfections. She started struggling.

She started getting mad from time to time and losing her mind.

She struggled in school and believed she wasn't enough to become a doctor.

To my dismay,she too started struggling with mental illness(depression and anxiety.)..so that I myself could cope with my own.

She became a real person.

I ditched the "perfect" idea I had of her and made it so she embraced "the glorious mess that she was"...and to be honest,that's helping me to do the same with myself.

my stories

E poi avrò il coraggio di aspettarti ancora un po'... **

10:32 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCEbg-ARMw4

From "This perfectly imperfect life"

It was late afternoon,the sun was setting. I had just got back from work and checked the crockpot,where a comforting mushroom soup was slowly simmering,for us to have for dinner later. It smelled delicious and I couldn't wait to try it.

An old grey's anatomy episode was on tv,the volume low. I was in the living room, sitting comfortably

on the couch. Well..as comfortably as possible for being heavily pregnant.

I was folding baby clothes,and,to be completely honest,I was enjoying it a bit. I

Normally I hated folding laundry. But..seeing all of those onesies, bibs,tiny shirts and tiny clothes filled my heart with joy.

I picked up a onesie to fold it and put it on top of the others.

It said "Daddy's little girl" on the front,in teal glittery italic and had tiny flowers printed all over the white fabric.

I felt tears gathering in the corner of my eyes.

I still couldn't believe I was having a girl. I had been dreaming about it since I was a teenager and finally..it was happening.

I took one hand to my belly and,right at that moment,the baby kicked. I loved feeling her moving.

-Hi,sweetie.-I said,with a smile in my voice- Mummy loves you so much. We all are so unbelievably excited to meet you...

-Lizzie..we're home. Wake up.

Mark's voice woke me up. I looked around,confused. I was in the car,on the passenger seat,with my seat belt on. And to my disappoint,I saw I wasn't pregnant.

It was a dream. I must had fallen asleep during the car ride home.

I held back a sigh when I remembered we had been on a break from TTC for a month. I knew it was what we needed,for the sake of our mental health.

But still..sometimes every day of not trying seemed like a waste of precious limited time to me.

I wanted a family of my own so bad.

-Lizzie?-Mark's voice- You okay?

I nodded. I grabbed my purse and hopped out of the car,still half asleep.

Mark lead me to the front door and opened it.

The smell of candles mixed to mushroom soup simmering in the slow cooker,filled my nostrils.

I loved the hospital and my job more than anything but I was so happy to finally be home.

I took off my coat and scarf and hung them into place.

Then I sank on the couch. Mark did the same.

-Ahh,it feels so good to be home. -I said- Doesn't it?

-You bet.

He smiled at me.

-And being out of that ridiculously looking prince costume feels even better.

-It isn't ridiculous!-I protested- And besides,Flynn isn't a prince!

I playfully elbowed him.

-Did you even watch the movie?

-You know I'm doing this just because I love you,right?

He looked at me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

-I know.-I said-The kids..if the show goes well,they're gonna be so happy.

Thank you so much for doing this with me.

I smiled widely at him.

-I'd do anything for that smile,my sweet Rapunzel.

I kissed him on the cheek and then got up from the couch.

-Where are you going? Come back here!

-I gotta check on dinner and put something comfy on. I'll be back soon. I don't need saving ,my Prince.

I held back a giggle while heading to the kitchen.

The smell of mushroom and rosemary filled my nostrils.

I couldn't wait to eat dinner.

While I was checking the soup,I felt Mark's arms wrapping around me.

He smelled like mint and firewood. He must had started the fire,in the fireplace in the living room.

He wrapped me even tighter.

Then he started kissing my neck.

It felt good. So good.

-Were you missing me that bad that you had to come here?-I joked.

-I can't be without you. -he replied- You know that.

He kept kissing my neck.

I was starting to feel goosebumps running through my spine.

At some point ,he lightly moved my sweater's sleeve,exposed my left shoulder and gently kissed it.

He did the same with my right.

I wanted to give in..at least a part of me did.

The other part of me,on the other hand,thought about our break from TTC.

I couldn't face yet another failure,even though being on a break was making me crazy.

I turned off the slow cooker,holding back a sigh.

Mark was still holding me.

I turned around and found myself wrapped in his arms.

-You looked beautiful in that princess costume.

He pushed a lock of hair out of my face.

I ran my hand through his curls and caressed his cheek,still soft and smooth from when he shaved that morning.

My heart was telling me to kiss him and let myself go.

My mind,on the other hand,once again quickly raced to all the failures,negative pregnancy tests and tears I had shed.

I felt tears in my eyes.

I broke the hug and walked away from Mark.

-Lizzie..-he whispered,sweetly.

He got closer to me but didn't touch me.

-What's wrong?

I looked at the tiles in front of me,as if looking straight into a random object would prevent me from bursting into tears.

-I..can't.-I whispered-..I can't.

-We were just holding each other.

-I can't do it.-I said- I can't face another failure..

-I know,baby. I know.

I felt pain and sadness in his voice. Sometimes I got so wrapped up into my own sadness and depressive thoughts that I forgot he too was suffering because of us not being able to have a family.

I blamed myself for that

But at that moment,I realised Mark did the same with himself.

He too was suffering.

I thought about it.

We were on a break and he knew that I couldn't face another failure.

But,at the same time,I realised something. At that moment, I really wanted to feel his arms around me,his gentle touch,his soft lips on my skin.

I wanted to feel his sweet smell,his warmth.

I realised I was longing for it..for him.

-Shut up,brain.-I told myself,as I wiped my tears away with a paper towel.

I walked towards Mark and I held him tightly. I gently caressed his cheek.

-I love you.

I caressed his other cheek and then I gently kissed him on his lips.

He immediately started kissing me back.

It felt so amazing.

I felt my muscles starting to relax,and with them my whole body and mind.

My hands started to gently run on his face,then on his neck.

It felt like they had their own life..I was no longer in control of them.

At the same time,Mark caressed my cheeks,my neck. My shoulders... my back.

His hands also seemed to have acquired a life of their own.

At every touch,I felt more relaxed.

I kissed him again,while his hands started making their way under my sweater.

His warm hands on my skin felt so good. While still kissing him,I started unbuttoning his shirt.

I let my hands run through his chest and explore every inch of his skin,as if it was the first time I was doing so.

-Shall we go upstairs?-I whispered in his ear.

-As you wish,my princess.

He swept me off of my feet and we started making our way to our bedroom.

I woke up to a pale ray of light coming through the blinds.

I saw Mark laying next to me,watching me.

-Good morning,Mark- I told him,with a smile- Were you watching me sleep?

-Good morning,Lizzie.- he said- Mmm..what do you think?

I smiled at him.

-How are you?

-I'm good. -he said- How about you?

I yawned and gently stretched.

-I'm good.-I smiled- I didn't get any sleep..

-Neither did I.

He grinned and he started playing with my hair.

We then shared a kiss.

-But it's fine- I whispered to him with a smile- it was amazing.

-It really was.

-What time is it?-I asked him-Do you think you could stay here a bit longer?

-Why couldn't I,Lizzie?

-Your shift..

He suddenly turned white.

-Oh..crap.

-Did you forget about it?

He nodded,while he started to get up.

-My first surgery is in 30 minutes.

-Okay. You can do it. -I told him,sweetly- Here it's what we're gonna do: you go shower.

It's only 6 am and it's gloomy outside. You shouldn't find any traffic.

I'll make you coffee and whip up some breakfast in the meanwhile,okay?

He got up and ran to the bathroom,stopping to kiss me on my lips.

-What did I do to deserve such a perfect wife?

-Ooh,you! -I joked- Always far too kind. In the shower,quick!

-Yes,ma'am.

Once he was gone,I got up and wrapped myself up in a long cardigan.

Then I put my glasses on and started making my way downstairs to the kitchen.

I immediately saw the slow cooker sitting near the stove top and realised Mark and I had forgotten to eat dinner the day before.

Thankfully,the soup could sit at room temperature.

I took Mark's favourite mug and started the Keurig.

I then poured the soup into a big Tupperware and popped it in the fridge.

I couldn't wait to have some for lunch with some whole wheat croutons on the side.

Starting that day,I was on nights all week so I didn't have to be at work until 6 pm.

In a perfect world,I should have used that time to rest and recharge before my shift.

But I had to clean the house,go grocery shopping,work out,meal prep and do some pre shift reading.

I was determined to squeeze in some self care in as well though..most likely in the form of taking a nap and a long shower or taking my time to cook Mark a special dinner for when he came back from his shift.

As someone who had been dealing with depression since early adolescence and a physician,I was aware of the incredible value of self care and I tried my best to find time for it every day.

No matter if it was 5 minutes or 5 hours..as long as I did manage to do something for myself.

I took coconut sugar and almond milk out of the cabinet,to put into Mark's coffee as soon as it was done brewing.

-Mmmm..breakfast...-I thought -..what should we have for breakfast?

I opened the fridge in the hopes of finding inspiration.

When nothing came to my mind,I opened the freezer.

I saw a ziplock bag of frozen waffles I had made a few days before,half a bag of frozen blueberries and some frozen spinach to use up.

I grabbed all three things,plus liquid egg whites and a couple of cherry tomatoes.

Since Mark didn't tell me if he was craving sweet or savoury for breakfast I decided to make both.

So I popped a couple of waffles in the toaster,while I heated up some olive oil in a pan.

At the same time I put a couple of handfuls of frozen blueberries,some lemon juice and coconut sugar in a saucepan for them to cook down and make a blueberry compote to spoon over the waffles.

While cooking,I started humming a song to myself.

I hadn't done that in a while. I realised I was happy that morning while hoping depression wouldn't spoil it later in the day.

I gave the egg whites,tomato and spinach a toss,seasoned them with salt and pepper, and checked the Keurig.

I then took two identical plates and laid them on the table

-Mmmm..-I said-..there's something missing here.

I suddenly had an idea.

I took hot sauce out of the fridge and sketched a heart on the side of one of the plates.

I then grabbed some already washed blackberries.

Meal prepping was such a life saver.

I had started doing that in college as part of my goal of becoming the healthiest version of myself.

And I hadn't looked back ever since.

I found that,if I had a healthy meal -or healthy food in general-ready to grab in the fridge,I was way less likely to snack on cookies,chocolate or chips.

Thankfully Mark too was as passionate about nutrition and fitness as I was.

I took the waffles out of the toaster,piled them on a plate and drizzled the berry sauce over them.

I then poured almond milk and sugar in the coffee and plated the eggs.

As soon as I was done setting the table,Mark walked into the room,fully dressed and holding the car keys in his hand.

-Breakfast is served. -I said,with a smile- Hurry up and eat,before it goes cold.

He sat at the table while I started doing the dishes.

-Sweet and savoury? -he said- Really?

-Well..I didn't know what you were in the mood for..so..yeah. I made you both.

-Again..what did I do to deserve such a perfect wife?

A wave of nausea forced me out of my warm,cosy bed.

Again.

As I was brushing my teeth after emptying the contents of my stomach in the toilet bowl,I realised that that was my third to fourth stomach bug in..

-..what..2 months? -I whispered to myself.

Oh..the joys of being a pediatrician.

The worst thing about it was no antiemetic worked with me.

The only thing that worked was hot lemon water,ginger and extra light food.

Thank God I could still eat oatmeal and fresh fruit in the morning..as long as I cooked it in water only...which was how I liked it anyway.

I've been eating oatmeal for breakfast since I was in my twenties and it still was my favourite go to breakfast in the winter months.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw I was really pale.

-I hate stomach bugs..-I thought,while I gathered my hair in a messy bun.

I then made my way back to my bedroom. I slowly crawled back into bed,to try to get another hour of sleep before my alarm went off.

Mark was sleeping next to me on his side of the bed.

As soon as my head touched the pillow I fell asleep.

I woke up to the subtle smell of freshly brewed coffee.

I loved coffee and drank it by the gallon.

I liked it strong and black.

No sugar,no creamer.

Just coffee,pure and simple.

I blinked a few times,to get my eyes used to the light.

I saw Mark placing a tray on my nightstand.

-Good morning.

He smiled at me and handed me my mug,full of coffee.

-Good morning to you. -I replied with a smile -How are you?

He yawned.

-I wish I could sleep for 10 hours..

-You tell me..

-How are you? You look pale...

I got the mug closer to my mouth and the coffee aroma filled my nostrils.

As soon as it did,a new wave of nausea hit me.

I covered my mouth with one hand and ran to the bathroom.

I felt Mark's hands rubbing my back in a circular motion while I was throwing up.

Once I was done,he helped me up.

-Stupid stomach bug...-I whispered-..I can't seem to be able to fight it off.

I approached to the sink to brush my teeth.

-Do you want me to call into work for you?

I was confused. Why should he do that?

-Why? I can go...

-What? -he smiled - Spit out the toothpaste and say that again.

I finished brushing my teeth and wiped my mouth off with a towel.

-I said I can go to work no problem. -I told Mark- No need for you to call in for me.

I got closer to him and caressed his cheeks.

-Thank you though.

-Are you sure you can go?

-110% sure.

I smiled.

-Don't worry.

-Well then..why don't you take a warm shower? I'll make you breakfast.

I looked at him and realised how thankful I was for having him by my side.

-Oatmeal and hot lemon water?

-That'd be perfect.

He kissed my forehead.

-I'll leave you to your shower then. Breakfast will be ready when you're done.

It was December 5th but the hospital was already decorated for Christmas.

I loved it so much. Ahhh,I loved Christmas.

It meant baking season has officially begun.

When I started to eat healthy in my early 20s,I also taught myself to cook and bake.

Even though I would never have been as good as my mum or as my super talented pastry chef mother in law,I still loved to bake and try out new recipes.

And once a recipe had been tested and repeatedly made and approved,I would start make it again and again and shared whatever I made with my colleagues.

I usually started baking and bringing stuff over in late November or so..but the stomach bugs I had been dealing with had made it impossible for me to get near the kitchen that year.

-Today after work I will start decorating the house and bake some brownies.-I thought.

And I was determined to do it even though "after work" meant 8 pm at the earliest.

That day,and the whole month, I was responsible for the interns on their benign hem rotations.

As an attending pediatrician and a first year hem/onc fellow,I could teach the 1st year residents on my service.

I loved teaching and helping them out and I was against pimping. It had no purpose in my opinion.

I had 3 residents on my service that day,all women.

I was outside one patient of mine's room.

Noah was 4 and was diagnosed with Blackfan Diamond anemia when he was 9 months old.

He had been receiving steroid treatment and blood transfusions since then and that's why he was at the hospital that day.

He was on the bone marrow transplant list and I was pretty positive we would have found a match soon.

We got in his room and saw him laying on his bed,pale but happy and bouncy,as he always was.

His mum was sitting next to him.

-Doctor Liz! -he squealed.

-Hi champ.- I smiled- Give me five!

He did as told.

-So...how are you doing today?

-Ready for my magic cells!

-You're gonna get those soon.

I looked at my interns.

-Who wants to present the case?

They stayed quiet.

They reminded me of when I myself was an intern and had no experience whatsoever.

I was scared to even sneeze.

-Come on,I promise I don't eat people. Nor interns.

I smiled at them.

-Noah here can tell you himself...-I looked at him-..right,champ?

-She doesn't eat people.-he obediently said-..she just eats chocolate. All the time.

He looked at my interns and his eyes got bigger.

-Is any of you made of chocolate?

We all chuckled. Gosh, I loved kids.

At that point, Malini,one of my interns,shyly raised her hand.

-Yes?

I gave her an encouraging smile.

-I..uhm..-she started-..would like to present the case...

-That's the way to go. -I told her- Well done,doctor Patel. Now..go ahead,please.

-Noah Jacobs,4 years old..

-My birthday is in 2 days!!-Noah squealed,interrupting her-I'm almost 5!

She smiled at him.

-Oh,sorry. -she told him-Let me just start again,okay?

She already seemed more relaxed and at ease.

Kids could have that power on people. They sure had it on me.

When I was around kids,I would instantly feel better,no matter how bad I was feeling just a moment earlier

-Noah Jacobs,4 years old,almost 5.-she winked at him-Diagnosed with Blackfan Diamond anemia at 9 months of age,he's been on steroids and receiving transfusions ever since.

Today he's here for his weekly transfusion and a check up.

-Well done. -I praised her.- You were good.

-So that means you're gonna give her candy and a sticker,right?

Noah's voice again.

-You always give me those if I'm good.

-She's gonna get a sticker too,don't you worry.

When we got out of Noah's room,I suddenly felt hot.

It was like someone had cracked up the heat to a million degrees.

All that heat made me feel terribly queasy,once again.

-Doctor ...

-Mmmm..

My vision got blurred. I started feeling lightheaded and then,all of a sudden,everything started spinning around me.

After that,everything went black.

When I woke up on that cold early December morning,I was expecting everything but my attending passing out in my arms.

Carolyn,Sara and I had just finished checking on a patient.

I had presented the case and received praise from doctor Johnson.

I loved working with her. I loved the fact that she treated us interns like we were on her same level of knowledge,despite her being more experienced than us.

I loved the fact that she never scared us nor tortured us with impossible questions,like many other fellows did.

She made me feel like a valuable member of the team,like a "real" doctor.

Plus,she was so kind and sweet and nice to chat to.

At that moment,though,she was unconscious. Thankfully I noticed she was about to pass out on time and caught her before she fell on the floor and hit her head.

Only..I had no idea of what else to do.

-Oh my gosh..-Carolyn said-..the fellow died! What do we do now?

She was panicking. And so was Sara.

I too was worried but I tried to hold it together.

-Okay,Malini..think. -I thought- You're a doctor. You can do this. What would doctor Johnson do now?

-What do we do? -Carolyn again.

Her panicking high pitched tone was disturbing to me.

I had to do something. I swallowed,trying to gather my thoughts.

-Carolyn,go ask for help.-I said,calmly.

-To who? There's nobody here!

-A fellow,an older resident,whoever you can find. Run.

-I.,

-You can do it. Go.

She swallowed and then ran in the opposite direction.

I looked at Sara. She too seemed terrified.

-Okay..-I said- We need to carry her to a room so we can examine her. I'm gonna need your help.

She didn't say a word but went on and helped me.

Thankfully there was an empty room nearby.

-Now what? -she said,while frantically going through a pocket book- This book says nothing about what to do when the fellow you're under passes out!

The situation was critical but I was strangely calm.

-Suspected vasovagal syncope..-I said-..Raise her legs up to promote blood flow to the brain. I'll check her pulse and BP in the meanwhile.

Sara did as told.

-Low blood pressure..-I said-..she's probably dehydrated,hence she fainted.

We should order an EKG and a CBC and give her fluids.

-Shouldn't we check with someone first?

I slowly opened my eyes. I looked around and saw two of my interns hovering over me.

I then noticed I was laying in bed.

I had no idea of how I had gotten there. The last thing I remembered was feeling lightheaded,hot and nauseous.

-What.. -I whispered-..what happened?

-You're awake! Oh,thank God! -Sara,one of my interns squealed.

She seemed terrified.

-You passed out..-Malini,my other intern explained.

She,on the other hand,seemed calm.

-Oh..

That made perfect sense.

I was pretty sure I had passed out due to vomiting induced dehydration,nothing serious.

So I decided to transform my own feeling sick into a teaching moment for my interns.

-What would you do now? -I asked them- How would you manage this?

-We..uhm...-Sara turned red-..Carolyn..she went to ask for help.

-Calling out for help. -I repeated- Good.

I tried to sit up but my head started spinning again.

Malini gently grabbed my arm and helped me laying flat yet again.

-Easy. -she said- No rush.

-What would you do after that? -I went on,whispering.

-I took vital signs..-she offered-..BP was low.

-Well done. So?

-I think...

-You think? -I repeated- Go on,doctor Patel. I won't eat you.

I thought she maybe was embarrassed because I was her fellow,or scared to go wrong.

-Ok..-I looked at the both of them-..now I want you to pretend I'm not your fellow.

I'm just a random patient of yours.

I know nothing about medicine. I am just a patient you need to take care of.-I repressed a chuckle-Well..I do know you are pediatric residents and I'm not exactly a kid but..I've always said I'm a kid trapped inside a the body of a woman so..come on.

What would you do now,doctor Patel?

-I would order a CBC and an EKG...-she whispered.

-What? -I gave her a smile-Louder.

-I would order..

At that moment the door opened,showing a frantic intern,a nurse friend of mine and,much to my surprise,Mark.

He ran towards me,his face pale.

-What happened,Lizzie? -he asked me- The nurse..she told me you were sick.

-Nothing. -I tried to reassure him- I just passed out. I'm feeling a lot better now.

-Has anyone checked on you,yet? Did you hit your head? I..

It seemed like he was about to lose his mind.

-I am fine. - I told him- I promise. And..doctor Patel and doctor Evans here..they were just telling me about their treatment plan..

He looked at them then back at me.

-They were there when I passed out. They brought me here and called out for help. -I explained- So,doctor Patel..you were saying..

Mark looked at me again, as if I was crazy. Then he looked at my interns.

-Did she hit her head when she fainted? -he asked them,in a cold tone.

He always acted like that when he was worried or scared

-No..uhm..I meant no,sir.-Malini replied in a shaking voice- I..caught her before she hit the ground.

-Good. -he went on- You can leave the room now. You deserved a coffee break.

They got out of the room without saying a word,followed by the nurse.

-You scared them,Mark. -I told him- And..why did you kick them out?

-They did their job.-he replied-Now..let me page someone to evaluate you..

-They were. -I noticed- And..I was trying to teach.

-Lizzie..

His tone softened,as he looked at me.

-...they're interns. I bet they are capable and I know you love teaching. But it's your health we're talking about. I would like someone more experienced to take care of you.

-I am fine. I'm just dehydrated.- I caressed his cheek- Seriously.

-I'll call someone..

-They can handle such a simple case. Please..they need to learn..

-Indeed. But they don't need to learn on you.

-We too were as inexperienced as them once. -I tried again -They will just tell me what they think and won't do anything harmful. Please..I trust them.

-Lizzie...

-I'll help them!

I gave him puppy eyes.

He couldn't say no to that.

-No..not puppy eyes,please! You know I can't.. -he sighed loudly-...okay,they can try.

-Yay!

-But they can't use needles on you. No blood draws,no IVs. God only knows what they'd do with those.

-Becca will take care of that,don't worry.

-And..I will be here,watching them like a hawk.

-That's fine. I will tell them to ignore you.

We both laughed.

-I love you,Mark.

-You should...

He kissed me on my lips.

-You are stubborn..but I love you too.

-Come on..call them.

-What if they went to the cafeteria?

-If that's the case,I'll page them. Oh and please apologise for being a monster earlier.

-Me? A monster? -he looked at me-Watch what you say,woman.

-Or..

-I'll tickle you!

-No..you wouldn't.

-I totally would. Just wait until we get home!

He walked towards the door.

-I'll call the mini doctors. -he smiled at me- You rest.

I was standing outside the room where doctor Johnson was in.

Sara and Carolyn had gone to the cafeteria but I couldn't.

The trouble with me was I got attached to patients and wanted to know their all story from beginning to end.

At some point,doctor Freedman got out of the room and came towards me.

He,like all the other fellows beside doctor Johnson,made me feel uneasy and out of place.

I knew I was the problem and I had to get over this fear of people ahead of me in training. But still.

-Where are your friends? -he asked me.

-They..uhm..went to the cafeteria..uhm..sir.

-Page them,please.

I paged them,my heart beating.

-How is doctor Johnson doing?- I whispered.

He looked at me. I saw anger in his blue eyes. Or maybe it was worry?

-I don't know. -he said.

Did he just say he didn't know?

-Page your friends again.

I paged them again,praying they would get there soon.

After a few minutes,I saw Sara and Carolyn running with paper cups in their hands.

They stopped near me and looked at doctor Freedman.

-First of all..-he said,looking at us-..I want to apologise to you for being a jerk earlier.

I couldn't believe my ears. Had he just apologised? To us?

-And then..I want you to follow me.

-Follow you? -I said.

-Doctor Johnson wants you to evaluate her. -he sighed- Please do your best.

She wanted us to evaluate her?

As I followed doctor Freedman into her room,I tried to calm down.

-You can do it.-I told myself-One step at a time.

Doctor Johnson was sitting in bed.

She gave us an encouraging smile as we got into the room.

Doctor Freedman sat by her side.

-Don't mess it up,please. -he told us again.

-Please,pretend he's not here. -she told us- He's just worried. Pretend I'm a normal patient you need to evaluate,okay?

I swallowed.

-Who wants to start? -she asked us- Doctor Patel?

I stepped forward,trying to calm down.

I thought about what to do.

Since I had already taken vital signs,it seemed sensible I took a medical history before ordering anything.

-Have you ever passed out before?

-No.

-Have you ever suffered from low blood pressure before?

-No.

-Do you suffer from any chronic condition?

-No.

-Are you currently taking meds?

-No.

-Did you have any warning signs before passing out? Nausea? Feeling lightheaded?

-Yes. I actually had both.

That ruled out a cardiac related fainting episode. I would have ordered an EKG anyway though..as it was written on the guidelines. At that moment I remembered the guidelines also said every childbearing age woman who presented with a syncope should have a pregnancy test done.

I had to introduce the subject to her.

It was so embarrassing. She was my fellow after all.

But I had to do it.

I tried to pretend she was just a normal patient.

-You can ask other questions,if you need to. -her voice stopped my flow of thoughts-Go ahead.

I decided I would investigate gently and little by little.

-Uhm..how have you been feeling these past few days?

-Actually..I've been having episodes of nausea and vomiting. -she said.

-How long did they last?

-On and off for the past..uhm..2 months I think.

I tried to calm down. Pregnancy was a possibility.

-Have you taken any antiemetic to treat those?

- They don't work with me.

I tried not to turn red.

-She's not my fellow. -I told myself- She's not my fellow.

-Is there..is there any chance..you could be pregnant?

-Is there any chance you could be pregnant?

That question my intern asked me,out of protocol,felt to me like a cold shower.

I knew the guidelines said that every childbearing age woman who presented with a syncope should undergo a pregnancy test to rule out pregnancy and an EKG to rule out cardiogenic syncope.

I had been vomiting for quite some time after all..and I couldn't remember when my last period was.

But Mark and I were on a break.

Besides,I couldn't be pregnant. Period.

-No.

I smiled at her.

-Now...what's the next step?

-I would order an EKG and a CBC. And fluids. Mmmm..

-What? Come on,spill -I said- I don't eat interns.

-I might.. -Mark echoed.

Malini turned red.

-Please ignore him. He likes kidding.

-Shall I also order a pregnancy test?-she babbled- I mean..that's what the guidelines say. It's not a dangerous procedure that will hurt the patient. I don't know..

-I...

-Do it. -Mark interrupted me-I mean it.

She looked at me,for approval.

I nodded,holding back a sigh.

-Well done,doctor Patel. -I praised her- You did a great job.

-Monkeys..now go order the tests. -Mark said -Come on,leave us alone.

They left the room,leaving me with Mark.

We stayed silent for a while.

-Why did you order the test?-I whispered at some point - I..didn't want it.

-It's what the guidelines say.

I looked at him.

-A guideline is just a recommendation...it's not something mandatory.

-It becomes so,if it's supported by clinical experience,medical history and symptoms.

-I don't have any symptoms.

He looked at me.

-Mmmm..have I gone mad or have you been vomiting a lot recently?

I had. But the idea of being pregnant hadn't crossed my mind at all. Besides,we were on a break.

-It's a stomach bug. -I brushed it off.

-Then why didn't I have it? Stomach bugs spread like crazy.

Right. It made sense. Beside the break. And the fact that I couldn't be pregnant.

-We're on a break..

-We sure are,Rapunzel.

That name brought everything back to me.

My heart started beating faster.

I felt as if I had to throw up again.

-I...

-When was your last period?

I didn't remember. Since we were on a break,I hadn't paid attention to it.

-If I remember well,I haven't bought you chocolate in a while have I?

I felt tears in my eyes.

-I can't take another negative. -I whispered.

He held my hands.

-I know. -he smiled at me- Let's just be positive,okay?

Now..make me some space. I will hold you for a bit.

As soon as I found myself wrapped in his arms,I started crying.

Because it could actually be it.

And because it,once again,couldn't.

I had never been that thankful for a busy schedule.

Rounds with interns,lectures,patients.

Feeling sick earlier in the day had made me waste time..and I had had to make it up for it.

It was 9 pm and I was still at the hospital,savouring the first quiet moment since hours and munching on a RX bar.

After my IV came off,I hadn't stop for a second.

Because I had a ton of stuff to do.

And most importantly,because I didn't want to think about my blood test.

The lab was swamped..and of course,a CBC and a β hcg level fell pretty low on the priority list.

If I stopped working,I would have started to think about it and to stress myself over it.

I could be pregnant.

But I could also simply be suffering from food poisoning and having skipped my period due to stress.

I couldn't get excited before I had the test result in my hands.

I had some lab tech friends.

They told me they would page me as soon as the had the results.

A part of me wanted them to page me at that very moment.

Another wanted them to never do.

I finished my RX bar.

-Doctor Johnson..are you still here?

My intern,Malini,smiled at me.

-I had some catching up to do. -I replied- Thank you for your help earlier.

She smiled at me again.

-Why are you still here? - I asked her- Did you manage to grab a bite for dinner?

-I'm fine. -she assured me- Don't worry.

I looked at her. She looked exhausted.

-I want you to remember something: your health is just as important as your patients'. And when I say health,I mean both mental and physical.

Take care of yourself first.

This is maybe the most important thing I can tell you and hope to teach you.

Please,remember of this.

-I will.

-Do you have a lot to do,still?

-No..just check on Noah.

-Good. Go home and sleep after that.

At that moment my pager went off. The lab. My heart started beating faster.

-I would love to come and check on him myself but I have to go now. Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

** AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not a doctor yet,so please excuse any medical errors you might find in my scenes.
The medical information is taken from the latest professional version of the "Merck Manual".
If any of you readers is a doctor or medical student,please feel free to correct any mistakes you find..and let me know about the corrections. I love medicine and learning about it.
Just don't be too mean,please...I'm not a doctor yet!

Also the title of this scene is part of the lyrics from a song called "Celeste" by Laura Pausini,my very favourite Italian singer.
It can be translated as "And the I will be brave enough to wait for you a bit more".

Pages

ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

Don't let it destroy you. Let it empower you.

Anything is possible: Meet Eleonora! (FIRST GUEST POST!!)

Instead of saying...(free flow of thoughts)

Arriverai senza nemmeno far rumore...*

About "embracing the glorious mess that you are.."

E poi avrò il coraggio di aspettarti ancora un po'... **

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