ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

 From "My world is upside down.. AGAIN!"

" I was finishing tidying up the living room,when the bell rang.

-It must be them-I thought.

I put the last few pillows down on the couch and I started making my way towards the door,trying to keep my excitement at bay.

I opened the door and a few seconds later Sarah  ran towards me and hugged me.

-Nana! -she squealed- Mummy says I can stay with you for a bit. Is that true?

She looked at me with sparkly eyes. 

She was so sweet. I grinned at her.

-It's true.

I held her tighter.

-Hi, Nana- Ashley and Timmy said.

I hugged both of them,tightly.

-Mum said you're gonna help me with my science project..-Timmy said.

I grinned at him.

-I sure will. -I ruffled his hair- Come on..go and leave your backpack somewhere. You,girls too. Come on.

The three of them ran to the living room,leaving me with Laura.

She stepped in and closed the front door behind her. 

-Hi,sweetie. -I said- Come and give me a hug.

-Hi,mum. 

She hugged me and I held her tightly for a few seconds. Then we broke the hug.

I noticed she had a grocery bag in her hands.

-I got your groceries- she said- Shall I leave them in the kitchen?

-Yes,just leave the bag on the kitchen counter. 

I started making my way to the kitchen. Laura followed me.

She put the grocery bag on the counter and I started putting the food away.

-So..how did it go today? -she sat on a counter stool- At the hospital? Did you have fun?

I closed the fridge and I looked at her.

-Yes..I actually had lots of fun. I said hi to Henry and he didn't believe his eyes when he saw me there. -I giggled- He was like: "are you real?".

I had lunch with Aurore..and I even met an old patient of mine.

So yes..it was fun!

-I'm glad.

-You're so sweet.

I opened the pantry and started putting the few other food items away.

-Shall we come back there on Monday again,then?

She sounded so excited. And, for the first time in weeks, I realised I didn't dread the idea. I was actually quite excited at the thought.

About half an hour later,I was reading medical articles at the kitchen counter,when Timmy came in.

-Hi,buddy. - I smiled -What's up?

-I need to start working on my project. -he said -But I have no idea of where to start.

-Don't worry. -I caressed his cheek-  We're gonna figure something out. And it's gonna be amazing.

-I'm not sure...I'm not very good at science,you know..

He got sad. 

-I like it a lot but..I always get B..

-Well..I'm sure this time you'll get A. 

-You think? 

He lit up.

-Of course. - I caressed his cheek again- You're my grandson,after all! Who do you think your aunt and uncle took their brains from?

He gave me a mischievous smile.

-Uhm..Pops?

-Ah,ah,ah. - I pretended to laugh- You're funny,young man. 

I paused.

-I was about to bake some brownies. -I faked a serious tone- But after what you've just said..I don't think you can have any.

-What kind of brownies?

-Nutella brownies.

He lit up.

-Those are my favorite! Mum rarely makes them.

-That's because they're too easy for her. Your mum is too good of a baker to use that recipe. I bet she could make them blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back.

I started closing the journals I had in front of me and I neatly piled them up.

-So..do you wanna help me baking? -I asked Timmy. -That way,in about 45 minutes you'll have a nice study snack.

-Yum! -he licked his lips- Can't wait!

I smiled at him.

-Call your sisters and ask if they want to help as well. -I said- I'll take out the ingredients and such.

-Yes,ma'am.

And he ran out of the kitchen and upstairs calling Ashley and Sarah out loud.

In the meanwhile,I took 2 plastic bowls and the electric beaters out of the cabinet. Since it was an easy recipe that didn't require a lot of mixing..I didn't need my Kitchen Aid.

 I then took two identical brownie pans and some parchment paper. In fact I wanted to make 2 batches of brownies.

Moving on to the actual ingredients,I took Nutella,flour and six eggs.

Then I preheated the oven at 350.

At that moment,the kids came in,Sarah running. 

-Brownies! -she squealed -Yay!!

-Did you kids washed your hands? -I asked them- You need to wash your hands very well before dealing with food.

-I washed my hands! -Timmy said,coming closer to me and showing me his palms- see?

-Good job. - I smiled- Get yourself an apron and crack 3 eggs for me in the red bowl,would you? 

-Nana,I want to help too!! -Sarah pleaded- Please.

-Of course,sweetie. Did you wash your hands?

-No. The sink was too high.

She was upset.

-Mmmm..- I whispered- there should be a little wooden stool in the bathroom. If you climb on it,you get super tall and you can wash your hands.

-I found no stool. 

 -Let's go,baby. -I smiled at her- I'll find it for you.

-I still have to wash my hands. -Ashley interrupted me - I'll go with Sarah. 

She looked at her.

-Let's go,come on.

And they disappeared upstairs. 

I held back a sigh. I was sure she had done in order for me not to do the stairs.

-Eggs cracked. -Timmy's voice- No shell,all clean.

I looked at the bowl.

-Indeed. -I agreed. -Well done.

-What now?

-Take the blue bowl with Nutella and heat in the microwave for 1 minute,30 seconds intervals.

He took the bowl and  did  as told. As soon as the microwave rang,Ashley and Sarah ran into the kitchen.

-Did you girls find the stool? -I asked them.

Sarah came closer to me.

-Yup! -she said- My hands smell all flower-y now! 

-We used the liquid lavender soap. -Ashley said,while putting an apron on- It smells nice.

-It does,uh? -I grinned at her - Come on,let's get to work.

-Me too!! -Sarah pleaded- Me too!

-Of course.  Put an apron on and then and climb on your green stool,so you can reach the counter.

She took a red and white apron and tried to wear it,without succeeding.

-It falls to the ground..-she whined.

I was about to help her tying it behind her neck,when Timmy stopped me.

-That's because you need to tie it behind your neck,you fool...mum tells you all the time.

-I am not a fool! -she snapped at him- Shut up,stupid!

I held back a laugh. 

Five years old,and she already had Laura's temper. The memory of that night of 36 years earlier when she had bitten me was still fresh in my mind..and with that,many others.

She had always been a good kid,like her siblings. 

I couldn't be more proud of her. 

But she did have one flaw:  she didn't have much patience and lose it often.

-I won't allow words such as "fool" "stupid" or "shut up" in this house. -I said,my voice firm - Otherwise no brownies for you. 

I looked at the both of them.

-Apologise to each other,please. And,Timmy..please help her with the apron.

-I'm sorry I called you fool. -Timmy said- Let me help you.

He started tying the apron behind her neck and back.

-I'm sorry I said you are stupid. -Sarah whispered.

-Well done,the both of you. 

I got the red mixing bowl with the eggs closer to me.

-Now,let's get to work.

-What can I do? -Ash asked.

-Crack 3 eggs in the glass bowl near you,please. 

Timmy,can you please sift the flour?

-And me? -Sarah's little voice.

-You and I are gonna beat the eggs so they get all super fluffy and make magic happen in the oven.

-Magic? 

Her eyes were sparkly. 

-Really?

I nodded.

15 minutes later both batches of brownies were in the oven.

We were snacking on leftover batter.

-So... what would you like to make your project on,Timmy? -I asked him. -Do you have any favourite topic among the ones you've covered in class?

He licked some batter off his spoon.

-Mmmm..I'd like to make it on some very important organ in the body.

-Every organ is important,dear. -I noticed,sweetly -Heart? Brain?

-4 of my classmates are making it about the brain,5 are making it about the heart. I wanted to make something different.

-Liver? -Ash suggested,while licking her spoon -It's cool.

-Mmmm... taken already.

I took one dirty bowl to the sink and started washing it with warm,soapy water.

-Pancreas? -I tried again.

He sighed.

-Taken.

-Mmmmm...why don't you..-I started-...

Both Timmy and Ash watched me with curiosity.

-Why don't you make it about blood? -I whispered- Blood is very important. The all body starves without it.

-Mmmm..-he was thinking- None of my friends is making the project on it. 

-So I suppose that's a no. -I whispered,coming back to washing the bowl- What about the lungs? Or maybe the skeletal system?

-Actually blood is pretty cool. -he said,after a while- There are so many different cells in it. And they have all those weird long names. 

My lips curved into a smile.

-Okay. -he went on - Topic picked.

I wanted to jump around the house.

-Yay. -I whispered- We're gonna have loads of fun. 

I put the bowl on the rack to dry. 

Then I turned around to face Timmy.

-Go and take your books. Come on."

From "My world is upside down...AGAIN!"

   Elizabeth

About an hour later,my session was over. As always,I couldn't wait for it to end. Of course I knew physical therapy was extremely important,but I had always hated it, since I was a kid and I had had to have some after breaking my arm.
I had never considered becoming a DPT or even a PM&R..to be completely honest..it always had been boring to me.
When I got out..I saw Laura sitting on a chair. She had a huge tray of pastries in her hands.
I got closer to her and touched her shoulder.
-Oh...are those for me? -I joked- Oh,thank you! I've always said I deserve some sort of prize for going through that hell..uhm I..mean PT.
She chuckled.
-Actually,I brought these cannoli for Aurore. She told me she had a craving for those so..
-That's so sweet of you.-I caressed her cheek- You're so sweet.
-Here.
She gave me the car keys.
-Can you get to the car on your own?
I nodded.
-I'll go to Children's next door to leave this tray,ok?
She got up from the chair.
-Wait for me in the car. Hopefully,I'll make it quick.
I started thinking. I was feeling so happy at that moment..I wanted to sing at the top of my lungs. I didn't want to spoil my happiness but..for the first time in months I actually..wanted to go some place else than my house and the hospital for my appointments.
"Carpe diem"..Oratius used to say.
"Seize the day,take time to smell the roses".
-Mum? Are you alright?
-Actually..I was wondering..can I please come with you to the hospital? To see how your sister is doing..and to say hi?
She grinned.
-Of course. Let's go.
 
As soon as we stepped into the hospital..I felt at home.
It was like I had never left. I wanted to dance around and to jump in the hallways. I felt tears in my eyes.
Laura put an arm around my shoulders.
-Mum..-she whispered -..are you alright? I can walk you to the car if you want..we can go back home..just..give me 10 minutes to find Aurore and leave her the tray..
-No,sweetheart.- I smiled- I'm alright.
-Are you sure?
I looked at her and I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.
-I am sure.-I assured her- Come on,now. Let's go and find Rory.
I started walking..well..more like wobbling..to the elevator. I pressed the button to the 8th floor,where the Endocrinology department was.
A few seconds later we got into the elevator and to the right floor.
I couldn't see Aurore anywhere. Laura was about to ask a nurse but I stopped her.
I  had suddenly remembered where Aurore was.
-She's covering the diabetes clinic. -I said- She told me yesterday evening. I just remembered.
I took her arm.
-Come with me. The clinic is this way.
Laura started walking beside me.
After a few minutes,we got to the clinic. It had glass doors with a cartoon-like pancreas and lots of colourful chocolates and candies painted on it. It was all very colourful and happy looking..my mood improved quite a bit just by looking at it.
-What about this..-Laura's voice took me away from my thoughts-..I get in there first and give her the tray..and then you come in and surprise her?
-Okay.
-She's gonna be so happy to see you..she's gonna start jumping around or something. -Laura chuckled- She's also probably gonna give me the stink eye but..
I was confused. Rory wasn't used to do those sort of things..especially not to Laura.
She did mock Henry quite a bit and sometimes they still had silly fights about tiny things..just like when they were kids and he used to steal her dolls and make them ride on his toy cars. She did mock him but they loved each other to death..anyone could see it.
Yet..she never mocked Laura nor had fights with her. They had always been very close,since they were little.
-Why would she give you the stink eye,sweetie?
-Nothing.-she said- So..I'll go in now..otherwise these cannoli are gonna melt and become a big mess. You stay here. I'll text you when you can come in.
I nodded. She walked in and disappeared. I sat on a plastic chair,phone in hand..waiting for her to text me.
I wondered if it was the case I wore my badge..so that people wouldn't mistake me for a freak wandering around the hallways and potentially scaring their kids. I purposely was still wearing my sunglasses because the sad and grey-and proud- part of me didn't want my former colleagues to see me wobble around using a walker for support. A part of me didn't want to bump into a former colleague of mine and see  pity in their eyes when they looked at me or talked to me.  I knew it would have taken a while for me to walk unassisted again and most likely my walking wouldn't have been "normal" anymore..I would have always limped a little bit.
I knew it was really stupid and that I shouldn't have felt that bad just because I couldn't walk perfectly anymore or because my fine motor skills were still a little off.
I had been so lucky..and I knew it,deep inside.
But once again,depression had come upon me and the evil little monster that  had been housing  my mind since I was in my teens,had started torturing me and playing around with me.Most of the time fighting against it was exhausting and drained all the energy out of me.
I started rummaging into my purse to see if my badge was still in there. I got lucky..as a couple of minutes later,I pulled it out. I looked at it for a few minutes.
The picture on it was from 1 year earlier at the latest..but the woman on it didn't look like me..at all. It was like I had got 10 years older in a matter of 5 months.
I sighed loudly and then I put it on.
At that moment,my phone buzzed. It was Laura.
I took off my sunglasses and I  wore  my regular glasses instead. Then I got up from the chair and I started walking towards the clinic.
-Take this,evil monster! -I thought.
As soon as I walked in,I saw many kids running around.Then,I spotted Aurore and Laura,talking and eating cannoli at the nurses station.
I was behind them,they couldn't see me.
It felt so good to be there.
I slowly got closer to them and then I slightly touched Aurore's shoulder.
-Good morning,doctor Freedman...- I said-...are you gonna eat all those cannoli on your own? I thought I had taught you about sharing.
She turned around and she almost squealed. Then she grinned.
-Mum,is this really you? -she said- what are you doing here?
She hugged me and I returned the hug,squeezing her tightly.
-Hi,sweetie. -I said,after we broke the  hug -Laura had to come over so I thought..why not?
-I'm so happy you're here! -she said.
She was so excited I was sure she was trying hard not to jump around. I used to do the exact same.
We were so similar,much to my disappointment.
She then got the tray with the pastries closer to me.
-Want a cannoli? -she asked.
I  used to love sweets of any kind and to have a pretty bad case of sweet tooth.
 I realised that,Strangely, at that moment I was actually hungry and I actually wanted to eat something.   I  then also realised that,for once,I could actually smell food without wanting to throw up.
-Yes,why not!
I smiled while Rory gave me one of the cannoli and a napkin. I noticed she had taken a ton of napkins for herself as well. That made me smile wider.
While eating pastries,she often managed to get powdered sugar or even the various fillings on her nose or her face..much like I did.
The cannoli Laura made were indeed the best I had ever tasted..beside maybe the ones I had had during my honeymoon in Italy.
Laura was a great pastry chef and she had actually completed part of her training in Southern Italy,after all.
While eating one of them..I surprisingly realised it didn't taste like cardboard,like all the food I had eaten in the previous months did.
I could actually taste the rich and decadent ricotta and sugar filling,the crispy and light pastry shell,the crunchy pistachios.
I could taste the bittersweet chocolate in the filling.
Oh boy..how much I had missed chocolate.
Chocolate... had always been one of my favourite things in the whole world.
I kept on eating,slowly.
-Is that good? -Laura asked me.
I nodded,while eating. Then I swallowed.
-It tastes amazing. -I said.
She grinned at me,
-I'm glad you like it.
I looked at both Laura and Aurore.
-Although I've just realised  we should say " do you want a cannolo" instead of "do you want a cannoli" if we want to say it in correct Italian.  "Cannoli" in Italian is actually plural..."cannolo" is singular. Laura,you should know this.
-I'm afraid I forgot all the Italian I knew..-she giggled- I've always been terrible at languages..
-Do you still remember Italian,after all this time? We went to Italy..what..20 years ago? -Aurore added. -Wow...
-I used to be good at it. -I said-  I'm by no means fluent..but I still remember some basic grammar,some differences between Italian and English..stuff like that.
I actually would need a nice review of it all.
-I bet you know way more than you think! -Laura said- Remember when you ordered for us at that restaurant in Rome and the waiter complimented you on  your Italian?
I felt my cheeks turning red.
-I'm sure he just  wanted to be kind..
-You always underestimate yourself..and your abilities..-Laura sighed-..it's annoying.
I smiled at her.
  - And you always overestimate my abilities,my dear.
She checked her watch.
-Anyways...I have to go to work now. -she said-I'm sure Theresa and Danielle are wondering where I am.
I cleaned the powdered sugar off my mouth and my hands with the napkin.
-Of course.- I said- Let's go.
I got closer to Aurore,who was about to shove her 3rd or 4th cannolo in her mouth.
-You are eating too many sweets. -I sweetly scolded her- They're delicious but all that sugar isn't good for you,baby.
-I can't help it! -she said- They're yummy! Blame it on Laura!
-Hey! -Laura protested- It's not my fault if I am super good at my job!
We all laughed.
I then hugged Aurore and squeezed her tightly.
-See you later,Rory,sweetheart. -I kissed her forehead- Don't overwork yourself.
-I won't,mum. -she said- I promise.
She paused and then she looked at me
Her eyes got sparkly and she grinned.
-Why don't you stay for a bit? -she said- So you can say hi to Henry when he's done with the craniotomy he's doing right now.
I held back a sigh.
Once again..she seemed so excited.
My heart broke at the thought of telling her no...but still..I didn't feel ready yet.
I still felt very out of place in the hospital.
I wasn't a doctor at that moment...nor a patient. I was in a weird place between the two and it felt very uncomfortable.
I no longer knew who I was in the hospital..what my role was.
-Sweetheart..I have to go grocery shopping and to clean the house a bit because the kids are gonna come over this afternoon.
Aurore went from excited to sad within seconds. The sparkle in her eyes disappeared,so did her grin.
She felt emotions very strongly,once again,much like I did.
I looked at her and I felt my heart breaking. I then felt horrible and selfish.
She wasn't asking me to see patients or to go down to the hem floor after all. She knew I wasn't ready for that.
She was just asking me to stay there for a bit.
I did have to go grocery shopping and to clean the house..I hadn't lied.
But I realised I had enough food in the house to last me for a couple of days..I just needed to pick up some stuff for the kids..fruit juice,chocolate milk,ice cream and the little pudding cups Sarah loved.
That could wait a couple of hours.
As far as cleaning the house,Laura had deep cleaned most of the rooms and changed the sheets of all the beds just two days earlier.
So that too could wait.
-Why don't you send me your grocery list? -Laura piped up- I actually have to go grocery shopping myself before picking up the kids from school. I'll get what you need    as well and bring it to you along with the kids.
-And I can give you a ride home after lunch. -Aurore added,looking at me with puppy eyes- Please,mummy. It's just a couple of hours..we're gonna have fun...
I had no more excuses. And they knew,to that day still,I couldn't say no to puppy eyes.
I smiled.
-Okay,then. -I gave in- I guess..I'll stay.
Aurore grinned again. The sparkle in her eyes reappeared. I was sure she was trying hard not to jump around.
A few seconds later,I found myself wrapped tightly in her arms.
-I'm so happy you decided to stay. We're gonna have fun!
She was holding me so tightly I could barely breathe.
-Honey..you're crashing me..-I whispered.
-Oh..of course.
She let me go,mortified.
-I'm sorry.
I grinned at her.
-Don't worry. -I said- I know you're excited. ".  

Horrible thoughts were piling up like domino and my evil monster was torturing me..leading to self loathing. 

I should have been used to it,since it had been happening to me since I was in my teens..but every time..it was horrible. I wanted to cry to let it all out..but I couldn't.

Plus..I didn't want to wake up Andie.

She had enough patients to deal with at the hospital..she didn't need me as well.

I turned my lamp on and looked at my nightstand. 

There it was. 

A blue velvet case,housing a beautiful engagement ring with a diamond in the centre and two smaller ones at the sides of it.

Mark told me it was his mother's. 

A few hours earlier he had proposed and I had said yes.

I was so happy I had burst into tears. 

He had proposed to me. To me!

I..had never thought it would happen.  

As soon as he dropped me home,though..it had dawned on me that marrying him meant spending the rest on our lives together. 

I,for one,couldn't wait. But what about him?

I was sure had thought it through before making such a big step. 

He knew about my anxiety and depression. 

He knew I wasn't on any meds anymore but I had gone counselling years earlier..I had undergone CBT.

As a doctor,he knew anxiety was still there and the evil monster of depression was sleeping and could wake up again.

I sighed.

In the  4 years we had been together,I had had a few anxiety attacks while with him and he had helped me through them. 

He would hug me tight when I needed him to,without me asking. 

He would tell me everything would be okay and that I was amazing.

He was always so sweet.

But..was it right to get him into years of him fixing me or hugging me or helping me against my evil monster?

I felt tears rolling on my cheeks ,as I got up and sat at my desk.

I took a sheet of paper and a pen and wrote a message..tears staining the sheet.

When I got to the hospital,the next morning,I went straight to the hem floor . I had to start work at 10,and it was 7. I was feeling so down that I needed some time with kids. 

One good thing of being a fellow was that I had more flexible hours then I did as a resident.

I loved the hospital. It was so colourful and bright..everywhere. It didn't even seem like a hospital. It had been my second home for 5 years.

I changed out of my regular clothes and into my scrubs. 

I was wandering around the floor when I heard some crying coming from a room. 

I got closer and I peeked inside. 

A little girl with black curls  was laying in bed,clutching her stuffed doll to her chest. There was nobody else in the room with her..or at least..that's what I could see from where I was. Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

I stepped in, slowly... in order not to scare her.

She looked at me,her big chocolate brown eyes filled with fear.  I grinned at her,in the attempt of calming her down.

-Who are you? -she asked,holding her doll even tighter -Do you want to take my blood like the other people who came earlier?

 I got closer to her.

-My name is Liz and I am a doctor. -I said,with a smile -And no,don't worry. I won't hurt you.

She still seemed scared but she stopped crying.

-Why are you here? 

-I heard you crying so I came in to see if I could help you. 

I got closer to her bed.

-I am a pediatrician. -I went on- I work here.

She scrunched her nose and face up. She was so cute. 

Gosh,I loved my job so much. Not even an hour in..and I was already feeling a lot better.

Medicine and being around kids were good for my soul,and for both my mental and physical health.

Of course..it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.

As a paediatric hem/onc fellow,I had gone through rotations on the oncology service,and I had taken care of kids with both blood cancers and solid tumours.

It had been hard. So hard. 

I had hated seeing them suffer but,at the same time,I had been so incredibly amazed by their attitude and strength. 

-What's a pandatrician? -she asked,her eyes now sparkly and filled with curiosity.

I held back a giggle. Pandatrician.

She was so cute and so smart.

-A paediatrician..-I started explaining- ..is a doctor for kids like you.

-Ooooh..cool!

She finally grinned at me.

At that moment my pager went off. I checked it. 

It was Mark,asking if we could meet at the hospital entrance,stat. 

He had probably got my message. 

My heart started racing. I was sure he was mad and wanted to break up.

I excused myself and got out of the room,my heart racing even faster.

I got in the elevator,shaking from top to toe. 

I was so scared I could barely stand straight.

I got out of the building,and I saw Mark,standing outside of his car.

He didn't look as mad as I thought he would.

I got closer to him.

-Hi.. -I whispered,feeling like I was about to cry.

-Good morning.

He looked at me. He didn't smile.

I felt as if all the blood was draining away from my body.

I started getting cold and to feel faint. 

I wanted to hold onto him,apologise and tell him how much I loved him..but I didn't dare.

-Change out of your scrubs. -he went on- We need to go somewhere.

I felt like I had to throw up. I couldn't understand what I was told.

-I'll wait here. -he gave me a weak smile-Come on."

From "This perfectly imperfect life"

 

Both Mark and I wanted kids. Many kids. In fact,he used to tell me he wanted us to have a football  team of our own..and I couldn't agree more. 

I loved kids. I was a pediatrician,after all.

We had been talking about having a family since getting engaged.

Then we decided to finish our fellowships, to get a house and get settled in,before tying the knot. 

So we graduated in May and got married in June..a month before my 30th birthday. 

Then,a couple of weeks after the wedding,we started TTC..because I had convinced myself I was getting old and my time was running low.

So we started trying. And trying. And trying again. With no luck.

As a doctor,I knew it could take time and that it was normal. 

However,the anxious side of me once again took over,forcing me to have several blood works done..to check on my hormones levels.

According to those and to my friend Laurie,an OB\GYN,everything was normal.

I hadn't checked the blood works myself. As soon as we  got the results and Laurie had told us everything was normal,Mark had hid all of them in his nightstand drawer..in order for me not to read them over and over and get stressed over them.

I sighed. I realised I wouldn't have got any sleep if I hadn't figured out why we were having issues.

-Stupid brain!- I thought- It never lets me sleep.

I then put my slippers on and slowly got up. I tiptoed to the other side of the room,opened Mark's drawer and got the sheets out..my heart beating so fast I thought it would escape out of my chest. Then I got out of the room and slowly did the stairs,holding the papers in my hands.  

Once I got downstairs,I went to the little library/office room we had in the house.

I loved that room. It was so cosy and homey to me.  

I turned on the light and I looked around.  I saw the two huge libraries against the walls,where Mark and I kept all our textbooks and various books,the wooden chair and the matching desk. 

The window from which we could sometimes see the sunset. 

The comfy looking couch in a corner..full of pillows. 

The little wooden  table right next to it,with a lamp on it.

The cream coloured moquette on the floors.

I loved that room. It was my favorite room in the house.

I took an endocrinology textbook and an OB/GYN textbook off of one of "my''  shelves from the nearest of the two libraries 

Then I sat on the couch,cuddled up into a fuzzy blanket. I switched the lamp on and I started going through my labs. 

Everything seemed normal to me. FSH,LH..everything. I opened the textbooks and I started reading through them to see if I was missing something.

I read through a chapter..then I went through my labs again.

Once again,everything was normal.

I sighed before coming back to the textbooks.

While reading,I realised I was cold and my eyes and my head were feeling heavy. A part of me wanted to get back to bed. But I couldn't stop reading. I had to figure out what our problem was.

I was so engrossed in reading that I jumped when I felt someone touching my shoulder. 

-Ssshhh,Lizzie. -Mark's voice- It's just me. 

I looked at him and I calmed down. My heart resumed its normal rhythm.

He sat near me and he put an arm around me.

-I'm sorry I scared you.- he told me.

-Don't worry. -I smiled- I was too engrossed in reading..I didn't hear you coming it. 

He glanced at my labs and at the textbook opened in my lap.

-You shouldn't be doing this,Lizzie.- he sighed- You really shouldn't.

-Go back to bed. -I told him sweetly -I'll join you as soon as I get this done.

-It's 4 in the morning...

-I have to keep reading..

-No,you don't.

I looked at him.

-I need to figure this out. -I said -Go back to bed.

-Lizzie..

-Why can't we have a baby? -I whispered,feeling my eyes filling with tears- Why..nothing happens? There must be something I'm missing..

I have to figure out why.. 

Tears started streaming down my cheeks.

-..I need to figure out why nothing happens. Please..let me do this..

He looked at me.

-Sweetheart..-he started -..These things might take some time..you know it. Laurie said it herself..

-It must be my fault...-I sobbed- I must be too old or something..

Mark made a shocked face.

-Old? You? -he held my hands- My great aunt Muriel is old,not you. You are 30,not 80,Lizzie. 

I couldn't stop sobbing.

Mark held me tight in his arms. 

-Ssssh,don't cry. -he whispered- Don't cry. We're gonna have our baby. We're gonna have many,many babies.

He kissed my forehead.

-I promise you.

We stayed silent,wrapped into each other arms, for a while. It felt so nice. I wanted it to never end.

I slowly stopped crying.

At some point,Mark broke the silence.

-Lizzie...

-Uhm..?

-OB/GYN has never been my favourite and I'm sure you know more about it than I do..

It seemed like he was struggling to find the words.

-Go ahead..-I encouraged him sweetly.

-I think we should take a break.-he said- Just for a month or two. I think it'd be good for us.

I was taken by surprise by what he had just said.

The idea of taking a break from trying had never crossed my mind.

I wanted kids. We wanted kids. 

I suddenly got scared.

-You no longer want kids?-I whispered.

He caressed my cheek.

-I want us to have a football team of our own. - he grinned at me- But I noticed this is taking a toll on the both of us..especially on you. 

He held me even tighter.

-I can see you are beyond stressed and very sad about this. -he paused- I think a small break would be good for us. I don't want you to be sad,Lizzie.

I was ,once again,taken aback by his words.

I didn't think he could notice how sick I really was about it. Plus,I was sorry about him being sad because of me. I suddenly felt guilty. 

I did want kids. I indeed did think I was running out of time,and that indeed scared me to death.

I thought about what Mark had just said.

Maybe a break was what was best for the both of us at that moment, especially for our mental well being.

He had specified it would have been a small break,after all.

-Okay. - I whispered - Okay.

He grinned at me.

-I love you. -I said -I'm so sorry you suffered because of me. 

I caressed his cheek.

-I love you,so much.

-I love you too,Lizzie.

I sneezed for 4 times in a row and started shivering. I realised my head was feeling heavy,my eyes were burning.

-Lizzie..are you okay?-Mark asked me in a concerned tone.

-Of course.

I sneezed another time. Mark kissed my forehead.

-You're warm.

-It's nothing. -I smiled- Don't worry. 

-You need to get back to bed.

He got up and he lifted me up like I had no weight. Then he started making his way to our bedroom. 

-Mark..I can walk.. -I protested- Put me down,please. 

-Sshhh. It's okay.

Once we got to our bedroom,he gently put me down on the bed and tucked me in.

Then he got into bed himself.

I rolled over.

-Goodnight,Mark. -I said.

-Goodnight,Lizzie.

A ray of light coming from the window woke me up. I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was 6 30 AM.

I had a terrible headache,it felt like I had an hammer stuck in my head.

My eyes were burning and feeling heavy.

I had terrible cramps and I was feeling queasy.  

Plus,I was cold,despite having cosy pjs on and laying under a ton of blankets.

 I needed to pee so I forced myself to get out of bed and I put my slippers on.

I slowly dragged myself to the bathroom.  

My head was feeling heavy and like it was on fire. My eyes were teary. 

I noticed I had got my period during the night.

Another period..another month of trying,another month without a baby.

I sighed,trying not to cry. I remembered about the decision Mark and I had taken hours earlier.

A break would definitely be good for us. Mark was right.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I did look as bad as I was feeling.

I was pale and I had dark circles under my eyes. 

I sighed. Then I took some Tylenol and the thermometer out of the medicine cabinet.  

I went downstairs to the kitchen. I wasn't  hungry,at all. 

But my throat was scratchy,so I decided to make myself a cup of tea. 

I filled my favourite mug with water and I popped it in the microwave.

Normally I would have used the kettle to warm up the water. 

But at that moment,I was so out I was sure I would have spilled boiling water on my hand causing myself a first degree burn. The microwave was easier and safer. 

My head was still pounding..rubbing  my temples wasn't helping.

When the microwave rang,I took out the mug and put a bag of raspberry & blueberry tea in it. 

I let it sit for a few minutes while I cut a lemon in half. I then squeezed the lemon in the tea and stirred in some sugar.

-I'm sure Nana is turning in her grave,right now.-I thought.

My Nana -my mum's mother- was Irish. She passed away before I was born so I had never met her. But I knew she drank gallons of tea and that she had it with milk,not lemon..much like my mother did. I,for one,had never liked tea much.

I took the mug and I headed to the living room. I laid on the couch, under a thick cosy blanket. 

I took a sip of tea and I felt its warmth spreading through my chest as I swallowed.

I then took my temperature.  102 F.

I rarely got the flu,but when I did..I never missed anything. Fever,cough,sore throat,nausea,stuffed nose..you name it.

I sighed. 

Thank God I wasn't on call that day and I could take it easy and sleep.

I swallowed a couple of Tylenols,followed by the last two sips of tea.

I put the mug down to the mahogany coffee table. 

Then I took another pillow and I punched it a bit to make it softer. I placed it under my head and I rolled over,hoping to fall asleep soon.

When I woke up,I saw Mark sitting on the couch across of me,reading the newspaper.

-Hey..- I said-..Good morning. 

He put the newspaper down and smiled at me. 

-Oh,look who's awake. 

He  then got up from the couch and came closer to me. 

I bent my legs to my chest,so that he could sit near me.

-Do you wanna sit? - I asked him.

-Of course. 

He sat near me and he held me. 

Then he tried to kiss me. I put my hand on my lips,in the attempt to stop him.

-You'll get the flu. -I whispered,sweetly- I don't want you to get sick. 

He smiled at me.

-I don't care about getting the flu..or anything else,really. -he told me- The only thing I care about is you and how much I love you,Lizzie.

-Mark.. -I tried again-.. you'll get sick. 

-Sshhh..it's alright.

He gently got closer to me and sweetly kissed me on my lips.

-Good morning,Lizzie.  

-Good morning to you.

Mark looked at me and pushed a lock of hair out of my face.

-How are you feeling,today? -he asked me- Any better?

I still was feeling queasy, but  I realised my headache and the cramps had got better and weren't as horrible as earlier. My eyes were still teary and burning,my nose was still blocked,my throat was still scratchy. I was still feeling exhausted and with no energy..but I was pretty sure the fever had gone down,at least a little bit.

-A bit better,I think. - I said- I think the fever has gone down.

He kissed my forehead.

-You're warm still. 

I sneezed.

-Bless you. -he handed me a tissue- Are you cold?

⁃ A bit. -I whispered.

He took another blanket and covered me with it.

-Now I'm gonna whip up some breakfast,ok? You sit tight.

-I'm not hungry... - I said-..I don't want to eat..

-You need to get some food in your stomach. 

He got up from the couch.

-I'll make some of your favourite tea.. And some toasted bread..

-With jam? -I asked.

-Apricot jam. How does that sound?

Although I was feeling terrible,I smiled.

Apricot jam was my favourite. 

Mark knew me so well..maybe even more than I did. I loved him so,so much.

 Ten minutes later,he came back to the living room,with a tray in his hands. 

He gently placed the tray on the coffee table near me. 

I changed position on the couch and he handed me my mug,filled with tea.

-Be careful..-he said-..it's hot.

-Thank you. -I whispered,as I took a sip of tea.

-You're welcome.

We both kept eating and drinking for a few minutes.

-So..what do you wanna do today? - Mark asked me at some point -Beside catching up on sleep?

-Uhm..sleep? 

I took yet another sip of tea.

-I don't know.. -I said- Watch TV?

Mark got up from the couch and took some DVDs from the library shelves. 

He then sat near me and grinned at me,

-ER marathon

- I love you.

I woke up and I looked around. I was laying on the couch,with a fuzzy blanket on. I grabbed my glasses from the coffee table and I put them on.

It was dark.

A nice fire was burning in the fireplace.

Mark was asleep on the other couch..the remote in his hand. 

The TV was on,the volume low. A movie I had already seen was on air.

I stretched and yawned. 

I then realised I was feeling a bit better than earlier in the day. 

Tylenol and sleep were working. 

I got up from the couch,took another fuzzy blanket and gently covered Mark with it.

He had taken care of me all morning,made me vegetable soup and cuddled with me on the couch as well..holding me tight.

He was so sweet and loving to me. 

I was so lucky and blessed  to have him as husband.
 I did the stairs,holding tight onto the rail.
I then stepped into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face..to freshen myself up.
I looked a bit better than I did in the morning. A bit more human and less zombie.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and I noticed I had missed a Skype call from Hannah.
Since it was from 10 minutes earlier,I decided to call her back.
She picked up after a few minutes and her face filled my screen.
She looked tired,but about 1000 times better than I did at that moment.
Pregnancy suited her.
-Hi, Hannah. -I whispered- How are you?
-No,how are you? -she got worried- No offence,but you look like crap.
-Thank you.. -I giggled- you're always so kind.
-No,I mean for real.- she paused-How are you? I don't know if it's the light or anything but you look scary.
-It's just a nasty cold. -I said- And I'm on my period.  I'll be alright.
-Oh,I'm sorry.
She walked into the living room and sat on the couch. She then took her shoes off and laid on it.
-How are you? -I asked her -How has your day been so far?
-Boring..normal. -she said- I've been working on a case all day long.
Then mum came by and we had a chat over a cup of tea.
-About what?
-Oh..nothing. Baby related things.
I have a headache now.
-Same.. -I whispered - Try to rub your temples with your fingers in circular motion. It should help.
-I'll have Andrew do that. Along with a nice feet rub. -she smiled weakly - Isn't that what husbands are for?
We both laughed.
-I want an aspirin..-she whined -And a glass of red wine.
-You can't have  any of the two,I'm afraid. -I smiled- but you can have chocolate. Chocolate helps with both your headache and your mood.
She lit up.
-right! -she took some chocolate truffles and shoved one in her mouth- oh..this is so good.
-Don't eat them all! -I warned her- A lot of sugar is not good for the baby.
-Oh,I won't. She's already hyper per se,I don't wanna think about what she'd do if I had loads of sweets.
I smiled.
-she's..hyper?
-Oh yes! -she sighed- She has been kicking the heck out of my ribs all day.
She took an hand to her belly.
-Andrew's voice calms her down. But he's not here now. She doesn't listen to me.
-Daddy's girl,uh?
-Very. -she giggled- Do you think you can talk to her?
-Me?
-You're great with kids. She'll listen to you. Please,Liz..
-I can try.
She got her iPad closer to her belly.
-Hi,baby...-I whispered -...it's aunt Liz.
I bet you're having so much fun in there,aren't you?
Can you please slow down a little bit? Come on,baby...your mummy is tired and needs some rest.
I bet you can resume playing later.
-I think that's working...-Hannah whispered- Keep talking.
-Mmmm..we're all so excited to meet you. I,for one,can't wait. I'm gonna teach you so many things. Mmmm..I'll braid your hair and read you stories and..
-She calmed down.
I smiled.
-Yay.
She got the iPad closer to her face.
-On Monday I have to undergo a test..
-What test?
-Something that has to do with glucose..I don't know..
-Oh..the glucose tolerance test!-I said- You're supposed to drink a sugary drink a
in order for the doctor to monitor your blood sugar and to see how your pancreas works during pregnancy.
-I have a feeling that sugary drink must taste awful..
-I myself have never had it..but I don't think it tastes that nice. I'm sorry.
-I hate tests. -she whined- And doctors. Well except you and aunt Amy.
-And what about me?
Mark stepped into the room and sat in bed near me. He kissed me on the cheek and I made it so he too could see Hannah.
-I don't hate you.
-Thank God. -he faked a relieved tone- I was starting to get worried.
-Ah ah ah. -she said- You're always so funny.
-How are you?  How is my niece doing?
-I'm fat,exhausted and my head is splitting. Your niece..well..she was kicking like crazy until 10 minutes ago. Then Liz worked her magic and got her to calm down.
She smiled at me.
-I don't know how she does it. She's amazing.
He wrapped his right arm around my shoulders and squeezed me tightly.
-She sure is. And I'm the luckiest man on the planet because she decided to marry me.
I blushed and I kissed him on his cheek.
-And you better treat her well,mister. -Hannah said- Otherwise I'm gonna seriously hurt you. It's my baby sister we're talking about.
Mark made a scared face.
-Calm down,mama bear. -he said- I would never hurt her.
-Don't worry Hannah.-I added- He's behaving.
-I hope so..for his own sake. -she pushed a lock of hair out of her face- Anyways..what did you have for dinner? The only thing I want right now is chocolate but I know I need to eat healthy. So.. do you two health nuts have any suggestions for me?
-We haven't had dinner yet, actually.-I said- We fell asleep after lunch and just woke up. I think I'm gonna make myself a smoothie and some hot lemon water..
-Same.-Mark added-Good idea,Lizzie.
I looked at him. While I loved having a huge filling healthy breakfast and then eat less as my day rolled around,he was a fan of nice filling healthy dinners and looked forward to those all day long.
-I'm not hungry but you can eat dinner..-I told him,sweetly-..don't worry about me. Do you want me to make something for you?
-No,Lizzie..don't you worry. A smoothie is perfectly fine.
-But you've barely eaten today..
-I had 2 bowls of vegetable soup and 3 pieces of cheesy garlic bread...you saw me eating those,remember?. I'm fine. Don't you worry.
-Okay..-I kissed him on his cheek once again-..and wives are supposed to make sure their husbands don't go hungry..
-And you sure do a great job at it.
-Shush you..-I gently elbowed him-...you're always way too kind. I love you.
-I love you too.
He got closer to me and he kissed me on my lips.
-Hem..hem..
Hannah's voice scared us both and we jumped up. I had forgotten of her,and apparently so had Mark.
-Sorry,Hannah..-I said-..I forgot you were there.
-Same.-echoed Mark.
-No worries. -she smiled at us both- You love each other a lot..it's good to see it.
Anyways..I think it's best if I leave you to your smoothies now.
Andrew should be back soon and I need to start making dinner. Can't let the poor guy go hungry,right?
-Right. -I said- mmm..you both like tacos a lot if I'm not mistaken..
-Yes. But don't say it again otherwise the baby will hear you and I will start craving them like crazy.
-What if I tell you that you can enjoy a good taco without all the fat and unhealthy stuff?
-I'll say I don't believe you.
-Well..I'll send you a recipe for a healthy taco salad that will knock your socks off. Make it tonight and then tell me what you think.
-Sold!
-Okay. I'll text you later.
-You better do it fast because I can't wait to try it.
-I will.
-Well..goodnight, then.
-Goodnight to all of you.-both Mark and I said.- Tell Andrew we say hi.
-I will.
She smiled and hung up.
I put the phone down on the night stand.
-I'll go make our smoothies,then.-I said- What do you want in yours?
-Stay there and rest. -he got up- I'll go take care of those.
He started making his way out of the room.
-You rest.
I looked at him in the eye.
He was so so sweet,always. I once again felt so blessed to have him beside me.
-Come here.-I said.
-Are you okay?
I smiled at him.
-Of course. Just come here.
He walked towards me.
I threw myself in his arms and gently kissed him on his lips,trying to gather all my love for him in the kiss.
As always,it felt amazing. Every time we kissed,or hug or touch..every time,I felt like I had finally found my place. After years of feeling wrong or not enough..when Mark was with me,I finally felt like I was where I was meant to be.  Every time we kissed,I felt goosebumps running through my spine..I felt free and I felt loved.At that moment,even my terrible headache and cramps seemed to subside. Once we stopped kissing,I smiled at Mark.
-What was this for? -he asked ,while still holding me.
-Do I need a reason to kiss you,love?
I replied,in a teasing tone,caressing his cheek.
He held me even tighter.
-Of course not.
-I love you.-I said- So much.
-Well then,I love you more.
I kissed his cheek.
-Impossible,Mark.
-Perfectly possible,Lizzie.
He kissed my forehead.
-The fever has gone down.-he said,sweetly- How is your headache?
-A bit better.
-Your throat is fine since you're back to talking a lot as per usual..-he teased me.
-Hey! -I protested - I don't talk a lot!
-Ohhh..believe me,you do sometimes.-he caressed my cheek-..and I love it.
-Do you?
-Oh,yes. -he smiled at me- Are your cramps any better? Do you need an heating pad or ibuprofen..or..do you want me to make you some tea?
 A  male neurosurgeon worrying about period cramps..it was almost hilarious. Mark was so sweet. He understood me perfectly,maybe even more than I did.
-They're less horrible than earlier this morning.  And,no, I'm fine,thank you.
I just..wanna go back downstairs and wrap up in a blanket in front of the fireplace. And..can you hold me,please?
-That's what I am here for.
I smiled.
-Go downstairs and lay down. I'll bring you your smoothie,okay?
I nodded and we both went downstairs.
I laid down on the couch and wrapped into a blanket.
-What do you want in your smoothie? -Mark asked me.
-Mmmmm..I'd say banana and berries.
-On its way,love.
-Thank you.-I smiled at him- Shall I put a movie on?
-Go ahead.
He went to the kitchen and I heard him open the fridge and take the BlendTec off the shelf.
-What do you wanna watch?-I asked.
-How does Harry Potter sound?
-Amazing.
I put "Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone" on and waited for it to start.
I couldn't wait for Mark to come and cuddle with me.
To my dismay,as the day had rolled around,I had started feeling sadder and sadder...due to a mix of being sick and of the decision Mark and I had taken.
The familiar feeling of falling apart in a million pieces was back.
I desperately needed Mark to hug me tightly to glue the pieces back together.
He was just..so good to me. He knew about my anxiety and my history of depression. He took care of me and would support me every day..every time I needed him to,without me asking.
-Here is your smoothie,Lizzie.
Mark handed me a tall glass filled with a thick delicious looking berry banana smoothie.  It was purple and super thick I actually couldn't wait to drink it.
-Thank you,Mark.-I whispered.
He looked at me.
-What's wrong,sweetie? Do you want some more Tylenol or a..
He seemed so worried. I felt horrible for making him worry that way.
-I'm fine. -I tried to smile- Just..hug me,please.
I took a sip of smoothie. Even though I was feeling horrible,it tasted so good.
-This smoothie is delicious..
He hugged me tightly,wrapping me in his arms. He kissed my forehead.
-What's bugging you,Lizzie?
-It's nothing..
-You can't lie,Lizzie. You really can't.
-Don't worry about it.-I caressed his cheek- I'm doing better now.
-You're sad about the baby thing,right?
I found myself nodding and hated myself two seconds after I did so. I knew Mark felt bad about it too..I shouldn't have reminded him of it.
-I'm sorry,Mark..-I said-..just forget about it. Let's watch the movie.
He looked at me.
-You said you were okay with taking a break..
-And I am!- I assured him- I am!
-What's the problem,then?
-Just anxiety and my monster acting up..
I..we..
I bit my tongue.
-We what?
-Never mind...
I took the remote and pressed play. I started watching the movie.
-We shouldn't have got married because you think you're horrible and that I don't deserve the punishment of having you as a wife?
I froze. How did he know?
-How close?
-Very..
 My voice was  shaking. I felt like I was about to cry.
-Look at me.
I kept watching the movie,trying not to cry.
-Look at me,Lizzie. Please.
I  gently turned my face towards him. I had tears in my eyes.
-Do you remember what I told you at Christine and Thomas' wedding rehearsal?
How could I not remember about it?
It had been so amazing..Mark had been so sweet.
-When two people marry they swear they're gonna love each other forever..in sickness and  in health,through joy and sorrow..every day of their lives.
-Correct.
A tear streamed on my cheek. Mark stopped it with his finger.
-And then?
-You said..you didn't mind about my anxiety and history of depression and that you would have been my knight in the shining whatever..-I giggled through the tears-..and would have protected me from depression if it came back. You said you loved me for how I was and that you wouldn't have wanted me to be any different. You said..I was so strong and that you were proud of me. You said..you loved me to the moon and back,depressed or not.
And then you re-proposed.
-Correct.Thank God you said yes and we got married in the end. Plan B included gluing the ring to your finger.
I smiled.
-A giggle and a smile..wow! -he joked-..looks like the evil monster is losing the battle. May she always lose.
I kissed him on his cheek.
-I..
-Don't be sorry.-Mark put a finger against my lips- That evil monster should be sorry,not you.
Listen up. You are...
-I am?
-Beautiful..
He kissed my forehead..
-...smart...
He kissed my right cheek.
-..sweet..
He kissed my other cheek.
-..strong..
He kissed the tip of my nose.
-...and I love you to the moon and back.
He kissed me on my lips.
-Come on..let's watch the movie,shall we?
-Can you hold me?
-Come here.
I placed my head on his chest and he wrapped me in his arms. It felt amazing. I wanted it to never end.
-Thanks for being my knight in the shining whatever.
-It's my job. I will always be one..for both you and our football team.
Our football team. I smiled.
-No evil monster is gonna bother you under my watch. And no guy is gonna get close to our daughter before she's in her late 20s for that matter.
Our daughter. My smile got wider.
-We're gonna have  a daughter?-I asked him,holding back a giggle.
-Oh yes. -he caressed my cheek-..and she's gonna be as beautiful as you.
And our son..he's gonna protect her.
-We're gonna have a son as well?'
-Of course. I need someone to take to football matches and to teach stuff to.
-I love you.

" I was sitting at my seat,near the window,listening to some country music Mark was sitting near me,playing a game on his iPad. He seemed so focused. 

I looked  down at my iPhone.

According to it,it was  5 PM,local time. 

We were about to land.

I looked through the window. The sky was blue,the clouds were white and so fluffy they seemed made of whipped cream.

I was looking forward to the moment when the plane would get ready to land,to have a look at the land below me. I had always loved that moment..when such a big and vast land seemed so little it could fit in my hand.

The song  I was listening to ended. A few seconds later,another one started.

Brad Paisley's sweet voice filled my ears. 

A few seconds in,I realised it was my absolute favourite song of his.

It had been played in the background while Mark proposed.

It was the song to which we had had our first dance as a married couple. 

It was our song. 

I gently elbowed Mark, in order to drive his attention to me. 

When he turned around,I gave him one of my earphones, so that we could listen to the song together.

 A few minutes later,He smiled at me.

-"And now you're my whole life,now you're my whole world.."-he quietly sang to the lyrics.

I looked at him,in the eye. He did the same. 

My hand searched for his. 

His searched for mine. After a few seconds,they found each other and intertwined.

-"I just can't believe..the way I feel about you,girl.."

I grinned at him,feeling tears in my eyes..as I squeezed his hand tightly.

We landed at 6 30 PM,local time. 

I yawned,as I stretched and started gathering my stuff. 

I couldn't believe we were finally there. The flight had been nice and rather  comfortable,yes..but super long as well.

It dawned on me we had a train to catch in 3 hours..and a night of traveling ahead of us. 

Our long journey was far from over..but,to be honest, I was trying to savour every little bit of it.

And..from that point on, it could only get better that it already was. 

I was looking forward to it so much that I could barely contain my excitement.

Mark grinned at me.

-Are you ready for this?

My hand once again searched for his,while his searched for mine. 

They ended up meeting on the  my seat's arm rest and intertwined. At that moment a ray of sunshine came through the window and met our brand new,shiny, wedding bands.

I looked at Mark,with the widest smile on my face.

-I am.

As soon as we got off the plane,the sun started bothering my eyes. 

I took out my sunglasses out of my purse and I put them on.

It was so hot.

I was glad I had taken off my old Smith's sweatshirt earlier and had only a purple tank top  and a pair of shorts on at that moment.

 Mark and I were walking towards the airport,carrying our suitcases behind us.

-We're here. -I whispered,not quite believing it yet-We're really here.

Mark held my hand tighter.

-We're here.-he  smiled at me.

The airport looked like the labyrinth from Pacman. 

It was packed with people,speaking many languages. English,Italian,French and even something that seemed like Swedish,or even Norwegian maybe.

That was what I loved most about airports. All the people you could see,all the different languages you could hear,all the different cultures you could get a glimpse of..if you were lucky enough to be at the right place at the right moment.

While I was looking around,mesmerised,I felt Mark's hand lightly touching my shoulder.

-I'm gonna go get a coffee and something to eat...-he told me- Do you want anything?

I turned around to look at him.

-Coffee..espresso. -I said,trying not to yawn- and a bottle of water...the colder they have,the better.

-Okay. - he smiled at me- you wait here in the lounge. I'll be back in a minute.

-Do you need me to come with you? 

-I think I can handle it. -he assured me- And I'm sure they speak English.

He held my hands and gently kissed me on my lips.

I felt my cheeks blushing.

-I love you,Mark. -I said.

-I love you too,Lizzie. 

-I still cannot believe we're here..on our honeymoon.  -I then whispered- It's like..I mean.. I feel like I am dreaming. 

A few seconds later,I felt a little pinch on my arm. I retrieved it immediately.

-Ouch! 

Mark gave me a mischievous smile.

-Why did you do that?-I asked him,faking an annoyed tone - That was not nice!

-To show you that you are not dreaming,my dear.

He winked at me.

-Anyways..you wait here. I'll be back in a minute.

   

When he left,I sat on one of the red plastic chairs in the lounge. I took a magazine from a table near me and started reading through it..trying to practice the language a bit more.

While I was reading,or at least,trying to, I felt someone touching my arm. 

I thought Mark had come back with our drinks. 

But,much to my surprise, when I looked at my side,I didn't see him. 

A little girl with red pigtails and big blue eyes,was sitting near me. 

I assumed she was 4 ..or 5,maybe. Not more. 

She looked upset and like she was about to cry.   

We were alone in the room. 

She must had been the one to touch my arm.

I grinned at her,trying to calm her down.

-Hai visto la mia mamma? -she asked,innocently.

She seemed so scared,poor thing.

At that moment I felt so incredibly grateful for the fact that I had revised Italian for the whole flight that had taken us from Boston to Frankfurt and from Frankfurt to Milan..where we were at that moment. From there,a train would take us to the South of Italy,where we would spend 2 entire weeks. 

I had taken a few semesters of Italian in college and I loved it. To that day still,most of the time,I could easily understand the language,both read and written..although I still struggled a lot with my speaking and hated my accent. 

The little girl had just asked me if I had seen her mum.

I thought about the right words in my head for a few seconds.I wanted to tell her I hadn't seen her mother and ask her if she was lost.

-No,piccola. - I said - Ti..sei..persa? 

She nodded.

 I breathed a sigh of relief.

Yay. What I had said actually made sense.

At least the little girl and I could communicate in some way.

I smiled at her.

-Come..ti chiami? -I asked her. 

"What's your name?"

-Chiara! -a woman's voice-Dove sei stata?  Ti ho cercata dappertutto!

A woman with a long braid ran towards us. The little girl,Chiara, threw

 herself in her arms. I assumed she was her mum.

-Mamma! -she said,while holding onto her.

The woman had just asked her where she had been and told her she had been searching for her everywhere..or ,at least, that's what I understood.

-Quante volte ti ho detto che non ti devi allontanare?

She was scolding her about wandering around on her own. 

The both of them then got closer to me.

-E quante volte ti ho detto che non devi dare fastidio alle persone che non conosci?

She was scolding her about bothering people she didn't know.

-Mi dispiace -she then told me with a smile.

"I'm sorry".

-Chiara,chiedi scusa alla signorina.

She had now told her to apologise to me,referring to me as miss. 

Quite flattering of her, I thought.

-Scusa,signorina.-she whispered,staring at her feet.

"Sorry,miss".

She was so sweet my heart melted. 

-Non...c'è bisogno. -I smiled. 

"There's no need".

-Eri..spaventata. Io..capisco. - I paused,thinking about  the next words I had to say -Sei..stata coraggiosa..a..mmmm..chiedere aiuto.

"You were scared,I understand. You were brave to ask for help. " 

Or..something like that. Chiara seemed to understand what I wanted to tell her. She smiled.

She  then went ahead and hugged me."

Anxiety is horrible. 

You can think only about what's worrying you and you're trapped in your mind. You start having domino thoughts and that paralyses you. 

You want to cry to let it all out but you can't. 

Your mind races and you can't stop it. You can't sleep..you can't focus on anything but what you're worrying about.

You want to get moving but most of the time you're paralysed. 

You might get pins and needles. 

When you find the courage to open up to someone..most of the time you can't explain what you're feeling,what your fears are. 

Your mind races too fast for you to keep up and turn your thoughts into words and coherent sentences.

You can't sleep..you just keep tossing and turning in bed,until you realise you won't sleep anytime soon,so you decide to get up and try to distract yourself from your thoughts.

The point is..until you don't find an escape..a bit of a solution or something rational to  grip on while drowning in a sea of bad and sometimes irrational thoughts..the only thing you can think of is your worries and these said thoughts. You can try to study..to do work..to watch TV..to read or write..but for me,when I am having really bad anxiety, none of this does really work.

Turning on fairy lights and watch them..smelling candles(I was given 3 candles by a dear friend,I love them and I keep them on my desk ready to grab and smell when I need to) can help..at least it does for me.

But still,when you're having bad anxiety..you can't focus about anything else but your worries and bad thoughts. You somehow shut out everything else and the only thing you can focus on is the worst case scenario,that keeps playing and playing in your mind...over and over again.

You can't escape from this prison. Thinking rationally whilst dealing with bad anxiety is difficult.

But after feeling bad for a while..if you're lucky..you might remember of a dear friend who understands how you feel. You might tell him/her what you're thinking about and in the end you might come up with a little bit of rational thought for you to grip on to stay afloat your sea of bad thoughts. 

For example..yesterday,I myself,managed to text a dear friend whilst having really bad anxiety. 

I told her about what I was worrying/panicking about and she gave me her opinion about it.  

It helped me a lot..and after a while I came up with some bit of  a rational thought. 

Where I live, there's so much stigma about mental health and most  non medical people think mental health issues different than bereavement related depression and psychotic episodes/illnesses(schizophrenia ecc) don't even exist. Finding a good healthcare professional to help you with MH is so hard especially here and so it is to break the stigma surrounding these issues. Most people..are scared about MH issues or think someone caused them to himself or is feeling bad on purpose. Most MH issues have an actual physiological cause underlining them..for example,depression might be caused by low levels of serotonin and noradrenaline which can be measured with an LP(cfr Dr Tim Cantopher- Depressive Illness the curse of the strong) caused by the limbic system malfunctioning.

Mental illness is a real illness. I am trying to learn more and more about it and to find the strength to break this wall of fear and shame that surrounds it..in the hopes of asking for proper help to an healthcare professional..one day,hopefully soon,rather than later.

The point of all this rambling is..if you suffer from a mental health condition(or,in my case,you think you might be suffering from one)..try not to isolate. 

I know first hand reaching out is really hard. 

But try not to isolate. Reach out to a friend or to your parents or on your Twitter or wherever.

And don't be afraid of mental illness.

If you know that a friend of yours or someone you know is struggling..try to support him/ her.

As someone who might be suffering from depression as well as anxiety..I can tell you..talking to friends or to someone,really..can make you feel better.

From my experience,I can tell you that thinking of someone who' s struggling is never a bad thing. Of course you don't have to text that person every day..as that can be annoying. 

But..a text saying: "big hugs. Thinking of you".

Or even..if you're close, a little gift with a card..to say "I hope this little gift makes you smile".

Or even just..showing you care.

From  personal experience,I can tell you that can make a world of difference to someone who's struggling.

#EndTheStigma #SupportSystem #Anxiety #Depression