ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

Being loved and having worth

3:43 AM

Since I started school and I started struggling,I started wondering whether I'd still be loved if I failed my exams or dropped out.

I won't say I have never struggled before..because I have.

I've never felt so alone and so stupid and so insecure before. I don't know how or why..a part of me thinks that I won't be loved anymore if I don't do well in school and maybe that's why I always decide to take exams later than I should.

School as always been the only thing I've been good at..and maybe I ended up thinking that my worth and my deserving to be loved or even alive is based on my grades.

The very last time I've been happy was last September before starting school. Then..no more.

I try my best but from the outside it seems like I am a stupid little bragging person that spends her time not doing anything.

I feel guilty every time I take a break and God forbid people seeing me while I take one. I just feel horrible all the time,sometimes I feel like I can no longer breathe and I physically forced to email a friend in tears..so she can fix me.

I wish I didn't have to ask for help to her every time but I really can't help it.

This week I felt fine,kinda. I had decided to take the exam tomorrow..I was doing good with revision and had yesterday and today all planned. But then I remembered I had to sign up for it in order to take it. The other exams I took didn't require you to sign up so it just..slipped..I was so fed up with revision that I didn't check.

Plus I didn't know you can sign up for an exam ahead of time and then not show up if you feel sick or something happens..and that's why I didn't sign up a month ago.

I'm sorry but it's my very first year..I'm still getting used to it and so far I hate it.

I cried so hard that my eyes are still burning and my biology textbook is all humid and stained with tears.

I got yelled at. I felt angry. I thought people would be better off without me..as I often do. I was told that I am "not normal".

I worked so hard my all life thinking to university as the place I'd finally be happy at. And now life sucks. Isn't that funny?

"Why do I try to do everything right and I go wrong every time?"

mental health

Realistic,unrealistic and their friends.

4:41 PM

When I was little,I remember I never said I wanted to be a princess who wanted to marry Prince Charming and to live happily ever after with him in a castle.

I do remember I dressed up as a doctor when I was five.

I remember I always answered the famous "what would you like to do when you're older?" with "I'd love to become a doctor".

I've been wanting to become a doctor my all life pretty much. Maybe it's because I saw a lot of doctors during my childhood and I fell in love with it.

With medicine. With fixing people and helping them out.

I remember I was always fascinated after my dozen of doctors' appointments...and I always had to run to books/Internet in order to understand what they had told me.

I was just fascinated and I wanted to know..to find out more and more stuff.

When I was 14/15 I fell in love with hematology..due to a book that I had read. I would spend hours to read and do research..I was(still am) so interested in the topic.

I always had As in biology due to my passion for medicine and my studying.

Plus,I always loved kids,even though they seem not to like me.

Then..a kid I know was diagnosed with leukemia,and I started thinking about specializing into peds or pediatric hem/onc.

I know pediatrics,especially pediatric oncology is a tough specialty and it requires you to be strong.

I can keep it together most of the times,but I don't know if I am strong enough for that kind of career.

I have been told that being a physician isn't a realistic career for me.

At first I was mad...I cried for days and I was basically depressed.

I still get really sad and mad if I think of it and my thoughts go to it anytime I go wrong with the slightest thing.And it's bad.

Now that I am at university,I am having an hard time,I'm trying my best but I'm struggling so bad.

Chemistry and Physics problems are gonna be the death of me. The highest grade I got was a bit.

I was so ready for my biology exam Monday but I forgot to sign up for it because I was so fed up with revision and now I can no longer take it.

Yay for me and how clumsy and stupid I am.

Yay for all the people who are gonna take the exam just because they studied less than I did and actually remembered to sign up for it on time.

Yay for all the people who don't know what's this or that but are still going to score higher than me on the exam.

Yay for my mum who told me I'm "not normal" once again.

Yay for my feeling like a failure all the time.

Yay for that person that person that broke me..thank you. Really needed that.

Yay for my need for help all the time.

Yay for the people who do medicine for money.

Yay for my being horrible.

Yay for my not knowing what's realistic and what isn't for me anymore.

If I were to tell people I wanted to be a princess now,I think they would tell me to go for it because that's more realistic than becoming a doctor.

mental health

Changing and stuff

3:58 PM

I know so many amazing people. And I feel so bad for them when they feel bad.

They don't deserve it. I wish I could do more for them.

Sometimes I feel so so useless. Because I can't help people.

And since helping people is my most favorite thing in the entire world,that's bad.

I feel useful when I help people. It's clichè and whatever but..helping people makes me feel good. I feel like I found my place in the world when I help people. I wish I didn't always need help myself. From now on,I'll rely on this blog to talk about how I feel. Because I've been told all of these crappy life experiences I'm having right now will help me becoming a better person and hopefully a better physician. I cancelled my drafts for my stories and it didn't hurt too much. Maybe I'm growing up or something. I don't know. I'll swear I'll be a better person. Less self centered. Sweeter. Kinder. Smarter. Better. Less needy.

mental health

To be taken off in 10 minutes.

1:14 PM

I need to learn how to take care of myself.

I need to learn how to deal with my breakdowns/sad moments on my own. I am old enough to deal with my own problems.

I have to stop getting so attached to people because most likely I'll be left alone due to the fact that they don't care about me as much as I care about them.

I need to study extra hard..maybe my parents won't be so grossed out by the idea of me going to med school.

Can I actually make it through med school? I don't know.

I'm so scared by the fact that I'll die friendless.

mental health

I should..

8:25 AM

It' a gloomy Sunday afternoon and I'm in my room,at my desk,with my Chem book and a ton of notes in front of me.

I'm revising,doing my best and hoping I'll understand Chem a bit more and hopefully become decent at it.

I should do so so much more than what I manage to do every afternoon. I'd love to be able to stay up revising till 2 AM like I was able to do an year ago.

I should understand more stuff. I should get better grades. I should do more questions for the Admission Test to Med School I'll hopefully take in September..more than my usual 30 or 50 per Saturday or Friday afternoon(my weekly break from studying for exams).

I should stop leaning so much on my lovely Twitter friends..because they have a life of their own and I cannot force them to babysit me every time.

I should stop having 30 minutes long breakdowns in the library when I am at school.

I should be happy because I have the most amazing family I could ask for and I am in good health and I have everything I could ask for.

I should stop feeling like I am a failure just because I'm struggling so bad.

I should love my program because not many people got in...and I should be happy because I did.

I should stop writing because it's childish and a waste of time.

I should be brave and strong...and able to fight for what I want.

I should go back to my Chem book.

life

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

11:56 AM

Last week, we have repainted the walls of the whole house so I had to take off my bedroom's walls all the posters I had put up there with a friend 10 years ago.

Seeing those walls white is weird.

It's kinda depressing.

I'm planning on putting inspiring stickers on them. I'm just not used to see them white.

They make me realize I've grown up from a kid into a girl who's now slowly turning into a woman.

I ..realize I've grown up when I no longer see Greek books and dictionaries on my shelves..which are now loaded with chemistry books and question banks for the admission test to med school.

I realize I've grown up when I see that now my bookshelves are full with memoirs of famous doctors. ..the other books I used to read years ago have been relocated to the back of the shelves because I don't read them that much anymore.

Most of all..I realize I've grown up when I read old chapters of my story I wrote years ago and I think: "Holy moly...did I really write this? Jeez..I'm old!".

I realize I've grown up when I find myself thinking one day I'd love to get married and have kids..whose names I might have been thinking of already.

I realize I've grown up when I think about med school and the career I chose to go into and..I found myself being excited but also really scared a about a lot of things.

I realize I've grown up when I realize the protagonist of my story (which represents who I want to be)and I aren't that different anymore.

I realize I've grown up when I close my eyes and I actually can see myself as a doctor.. white coat,stethoscope and all.

On the other hand..I realize I'm the same as 2,4,even 5 years ago when I see my old stuffed animals laying on my bed.

When I write happy scenes where my protagonist is living the perfect life I'd love to have.

When I cry and stress out about what people think. When I get super mad about not being able of doing something.

When I think about what I've been told and I'm afraid those people were right.

When I get sad because I can't stand on my feet for a lot of time because of my CP.

When I accidentally spill some liquid on the floor while walking..due to my CP.

When I feel like I'm a waste of space.

When..no matter what I do,my hair looks terrible and my glasses are always dirty(no matter how much I wash or clean them..it's frustrating!).

When I start feeling like I'm an horrible person on so many levels and I start thinking no one ever will want to be my friend for a long time because of a reason unknown to me.

And..so yes... " I'm not a girl,not yet a woman".*

* The title of the blog post is actually the title of a song by Britney Spears called "I'm not a girl,not yet a woman"

life

I'll do my very best

6:48 AM

About 3 weeks ago, I went in for an eye doctor's appointment. I was very excited about that because I hadn't had a eye doctor's appointment in a while and also because I couldn't wait to meet my new ophthalmologist. The appointment was on a Saturday,at around 7 30 PM. Before I started getting ready for it, I was so excited and also a little bit nervous. Thankfully I talked with a dear friend of mine, with whom I shared my excitement and nervousness. After we finished talking, I felt a lot better- it's just so good to have friends who share the same passions as you! Then, I got ready and my mum and I drove to the appointment. We took my walker with us as well, of course! I can't live without it!

After a 15 minute drive,we got to the doctor's office. What caught my attention first as soon as we got into the building was that it was just so...homey. The waiting room in particular instantly made me feel at ease. Seriously. At some point I felt like I was back home... in my own living room. There were two really comfy looking red couches, a little glass table and some chairs. On two walls there were several paintings; I think they were from Gaugin,or so they seemed to me. (I hope I'm right...after 3 years of Art History, it would be bad if I weren't!) On another wall there was a big poster about a research my doctor had performed as well as many framed diplomas she had been awarded of during her training and to be honest, as soon as I got in, the poster was what caught my eye first.

After less than 5 minutes of waiting,the doctor called my mum and I in. She smiled at us right away and she kindly told us to take a seat. Then she asked me why I was there and she started taking a history. I felt at ease with her... right away. She checked my retina and my eyes, acting calmly and precisely. She paid attention to my needs, to how I felt. She was also really friendly. For example, she asked me about school and about what school year I was in. When I told her I was in a biotech program, she told me she had a PhD in the subject and it fascinated me. However, after she finished checking on my retina and on my vision, she dilated my pupils with atropine eye drops, in order to check my eyes' fundi( note: according to the Latin I studied, this should be the plural for "fundus"Let me know if I am right). She also told me I had dry eyes and she explained what findings had lead her to that particular diagnosis...and it was so interesting! Then she wrote me a prescription for new glasses and fake tears, and she answered some questions my mum and I had. When we had to leave, I was sad.

Once we got home, I felt so inspired, so bubbly and happy. Truth is, the appointment and the doctor herself made me think. I loved everything about how my doctor acted with me. As I said, she had been kind, patient and most of all, she made me feel at ease,instantly. She talked to me directly, and she made me feel comfortable. I wasn't scared of talking to her,of asking her whatever I wanted to. With her, the invisible brick wall that seems to be present between me and my professors (for example) these days just wasn't there anymore. It felt amazing. I didn't feel like my questions were too dumb to ask or like I couldn't talk to her. I just felt at ease.

As I said earlier, all of this made me think. I've always wanted to become a doctor. In the past, I thought this goal of mine was impossible for me to reach and I tried so so hard to forget about it. To this day, I still cannot forget. Not a day goes by without me thinking about how much I love medicine and about how much I'd love to become a doctor. I decided I'll try my very best in order to eventually become a physician and make my dream come true. I'm not saying I'll make it. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. I'm just saying I want to try and give myself a chance. I want to fight for my dream. I want to become the best physician I can possibly be.

I want to be kind,sweet and fun. I want my patients to trust me. I want to be that doctor who takes the time to explain to a patient everything about his or her disease and about how to treat it. I don't want to be famous, or the head of the department. I just want to be the best physician I can possibly be. I want to be that doctor who sits at a patient's bedside to offer comfort.

Some of you may already know that for now my 2 favorite specialties are pediatrics and OB/GYN.

So, if I go into pediatrics, I want to be that doctor who has colored band aids and candies in her white coat pockets...at all times. I want to be that doctor who knows the name of this or that patient's favorite teddy bear. I want to be that doctor who plays with the kids.I want to make them understand that my walker isn't scary but it is in fact a very helpful and fun piece of equipment for me.

If I end up going into OB/GYN, I want to be that doctor who comforts a scared first time mum, taking the time to explain to her everything she wants to know about this or that. I want to be that doctor that understands her patient's fears and who is always there for her, whether she's complaining about heartburn or about something more serious. I want my patients to feel at ease with me- I want them to understand they can tell me everything. If I have a patient with an high risk pregnancy, I want to be that doctor who understands(or at least tries to understand) how she must be feeling. I want to be that doctor who's there for her patients, always.

I want to be able to show my patients (especially the little ones, if I go into pediatrics) that having a disability or a disease doesn't make a person a burden or a bother for others, and it doesn't mean that that particular person has to limit his/her aspirations or dreams. I just want to be the best doctor I can possibly be and the best version of myself I can possibly be. And no matter how difficult it's gonna be, I'll try my best. I still have a bumpy and long long road ahead of me, and,I would lie if I said it doesn't scare me. It does scare me. A lot. It scares me so so much. But..as I said...I'll try my very best.

Pages

ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

Being loved and having worth

Realistic,unrealistic and their friends.

Changing and stuff

To be taken off in 10 minutes.

I should..

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

I'll do my very best

About me

Pinterest

Labels

recent posts

Blog Archive

Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images