CP

My CP and I

7:40 AM



As many of you know,I have CP. I was diagnosed with it when I was 2. I learned how to walk when I was 4.
Almost 1 year ago my cousin got me an awesome walker and thanks to it,my CP doesn't bother me that much anymore.
I no longer need people to hold my hand when I walk but I'm still scared of going out of the house alone because  of sidewalks and steps and other barriers that I have to learn how to deal with.
My CP and I are getting along now,kind of.
I learned that I've been lucky because there are so many more severe kinds of it.
Pediatrics is one of my favorite specialties..and a part of me would love to become a pediatric neurologist..to treat kids who have CP like I do.
Sometimes I'm angry at my CP.
I'm angry at it because I can't do the same things other people do. I can't run fast.
I can stand up with no support for a long period of time without having my legs turning into jelly. A month ago I was trying to mop the floor and I had to stop because my legs were shaking and hurting.
I felt so useless...I cried.
 I want to learn how to be independent,how to do the cleaning and the cooking and..just how to take care of myself and to help my mum in the process as well.
I'm doing it. Both yesterday and today I cooked part of lunch.
 I can make my own breakfast and sometimes I make dinner.
But sometimes my CP still gets in the way. I still get tired if I stand up for a lot of time.
I still can't carry a cup of coffee from a corner to the room to the other without holding onto things for support.
I can't get into an elevator alone because my walker gets stuck in the way and if the elevator doesn't work I can't do the stairs.
I can't go to the library alone because the access to it and my walker don't get along and because people stare me like I were an alien.
I can't take food from the canteen because I can't carry a tray of food by myself and I don't want to bother other people.
I can't walk in the sand..I'll fall.
I can't stop feeling like a burden to anyone..nor thanking anyone profusely for hours just because they're kind to me..just because they keep me company or help me with the slightest thing.
I can't stop dreading the fact that I'll be left alone once again..even though now I have a few good friends for whom I'd do anything.
I lost the only thing I was good at..school.
Now I'm not really sure I want/can go to Med School anymore.
I love medicine..it's one of my biggest passions. I'm just struggling here and..oh gosh all of this is exhausting.
A part of me want to fly to the UK,finally meet some friends and have a break.
A part of me dreads every bit of the idea...traveling alone,not being able to pay for my trip myself.
I feel selfish and stupid..there are so many amazing people out there.
And then there's me.

mental health

Being loved and having worth

3:43 AM

Since I started school and I started struggling,I started wondering whether I'd still be loved if I failed my exams or dropped out.
I won't say I have never struggled before..because I have.
I've never felt so alone and so stupid and so insecure before. I don't know how or why..a part of me thinks that I won't be loved anymore if I don't do well in school and maybe that's why I always decide to take exams later than I should.
School as always been the only thing I've been good at..and maybe I ended up thinking that my worth and my deserving to be loved or even alive is based on my grades.
The very last time I've been happy was last September before starting school. Then..no more.
I try my best but from the outside it seems like I am a stupid little bragging person that spends her time not doing anything.
I feel guilty every time I take a break and God forbid people seeing me while I take one. I just feel horrible all the time,sometimes I feel like I can no longer breathe and I physically forced to email a friend in tears..so she can fix me.
I wish I didn't have to ask for help to her every time but I really can't help it.
This week I felt fine,kinda. I had decided to take the exam tomorrow..I was doing good with revision and had yesterday and today all planned. But then I remembered I had to sign up for it in order to take it. The other exams I took didn't require you to sign up so it just..slipped..I was so fed up with revision that I didn't check.
Plus I didn't know you can sign up for an exam ahead of time and then not show up if you feel sick or something happens..and that's why I didn't sign up a month ago.
I'm sorry but it's my very first year..I'm still getting used to it and so far I hate it.
I cried so hard that my eyes are still burning and my biology textbook is all humid and stained with tears.
I got yelled at. I felt angry. I thought people would be better off without me..as I often do.  I was told that I am "not normal".
I worked so hard my all life thinking to university as the place I'd finally be happy at. And now life sucks. Isn't that funny?
 "Why do I try to do everything right and I go wrong every time?"

mental health

Realistic,unrealistic and their friends.

4:41 PM

When I was little,I remember I never said I wanted to be a princess who wanted to marry Prince Charming and to live happily ever after with him in a castle.
I do remember  I dressed up as a doctor when I was five.
I remember I always answered the famous "what would you like to do when you're older?" with "I'd love to become a doctor".
I've been wanting to become a doctor my all life pretty much. Maybe it's because I saw a lot of doctors during my childhood and I fell in love with it.
 With medicine. With fixing people and helping them out.
I remember I was always fascinated after my dozen of doctors' appointments...and I always had to run to books/Internet in order to understand what they had told me.
 I was just fascinated and I wanted to know..to find out more and more stuff.
When I was 14/15 I fell in love with hematology..due to a book that I had read. I would spend hours to read and do research..I was(still am) so interested in the topic.
I always had As in biology due to my passion for medicine and my studying.
Plus,I always loved kids,even though they seem not to like me.  
Then..a kid I know was diagnosed with leukemia,and I started thinking about specializing into peds or pediatric hem/onc.
I know pediatrics,especially pediatric oncology is a tough specialty and it requires you to be strong.
I can keep it together most of the times,but I don't know if I am strong enough for that kind of career.
I have been told that being a physician isn't a realistic career for me.
At first I was mad...I cried for days and I was basically depressed.
 I still get really sad and mad if I think of it and my thoughts go to it anytime I go wrong with the slightest thing.And it's bad.
Now that I am at university,I am having an hard time,I'm trying my best but I'm struggling so bad.
Chemistry and Physics problems are gonna be the death of me. The highest grade I got was a bit.
I was so ready for my biology exam Monday but I forgot to sign up for it because I was so fed up with revision and now I can no longer take it.
Yay for me and how clumsy and stupid I am.
Yay for all the people who are gonna take the exam just because they studied less than I did and actually remembered to sign up for it on time.
Yay for all the people who don't know what's this or that but are still going to score higher than me on the exam.
Yay for my mum who told me I'm "not normal" once again.
Yay for my feeling like a failure all the time.
Yay for that person that person that broke me..thank you. Really needed that.
Yay for my need for help all the time.
Yay for the people who do medicine for money.
Yay for my being horrible.
Yay for my not knowing what's realistic and what isn't for me anymore.
If I were to tell people I wanted to be a princess now,I think they would tell me to go for it because that's more realistic than becoming a doctor.

mental health

Changing and stuff

3:58 PM

I know so many amazing people. And I feel so bad for them when they feel bad. 
They don't deserve it. I wish I could do more for them.                                                  
Sometimes I feel so so useless. Because I can't help people. 
And since helping people is my most favorite thing in the entire world,that's bad.
 I feel useful when I help people. It's clichè and whatever but..helping people makes me feel good. I feel like I found my place in the world when I help people.                                                                      I wish I didn't always need help myself. From now on,I'll rely on this blog to talk about how I feel. Because I've been told all of these crappy life experiences I'm having right now will help me becoming a better person and hopefully a better physician. I cancelled my drafts for my stories and it didn't hurt too much. Maybe I'm growing up or something. I don't know. I'll swear I'll be a better person. Less self centered. Sweeter. Kinder. Smarter. Better. Less needy.

mental health

To be taken off in 10 minutes.

1:14 PM

I need to learn how to take care of myself.    
                                                                                         
   I need to learn how to deal with my breakdowns/sad moments on my own. I am old enough to deal with my own problems.
                                                                                                                               
I have to stop getting so attached to people because most likely I'll be left alone due to the fact that they don't care about me as much as I care about them.
                                                                      
  I need to study extra hard..maybe my parents won't be so grossed out by the idea of me going to med school.

Can I actually make it through med school? I don't know.                                                        
 I'm so scared by the fact that I'll die friendless.

mental health

I should..

8:25 AM

It' a gloomy Sunday afternoon and I'm in my room,at my desk,with my Chem book and a ton of notes in front of me.
I'm revising,doing my best and hoping I'll understand Chem a bit more and hopefully become decent at it.
I should do so so much more than what I manage to do every afternoon. I'd love to be able to stay up revising till 2 AM like I was able to do an year ago.
I should understand more stuff. I should get better grades. I should do more questions for the Admission Test to Med School I'll hopefully take in September..more than my usual 30 or 50 per Saturday or Friday afternoon(my weekly break from studying for exams).
I should stop leaning so much on my lovely Twitter friends..because they have a life of their own and I cannot force them to babysit me every time.
I should stop having 30 minutes long breakdowns in the library when I am at school.
I should be happy because I have the most amazing family I could ask for and I am in good health and I have everything I could ask for.
I should stop feeling like I am a failure just because I'm struggling so bad.
I should love my program because not many people got in...and I should be happy because I  did.
I should stop writing because it's childish and a waste of time.
I should be brave and strong...and able to fight for what I want.
I should go back to my Chem book.


life

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

11:56 AM

   

Last week, we have repainted the walls of the whole house so I had to take off my bedroom's walls all the posters I had put up there with a friend 10 years ago. 
Seeing those walls white is weird.
 It's kinda depressing. 
I'm planning on putting inspiring stickers on them. I'm just not used to see them white. 
 They make me realize I've grown up from a kid into a girl who's now slowly turning into a woman.
 I ..realize I've grown up when I no longer see Greek books and dictionaries on my shelves..which are now loaded with chemistry books and question banks for the admission test to med school. 
I realize I've grown up when I see that now my bookshelves are full with memoirs of famous doctors. ..the other books I used to read years ago have been relocated to the back of the shelves because I don't read them that much anymore.
Most of all..I realize I've grown up when I read old chapters of my story I wrote years ago and I think: "Holy moly...did I really write this? Jeez..I'm old!". 
I realize I've grown up when I find myself thinking one day I'd love to get married and have kids..whose names I might have been thinking of already. 
I realize I've grown up when I think about med school and the career I chose to go into and..I found myself being excited but also really scared a about a lot of things. 
I realize I've grown up when I realize the protagonist of my story (which represents who I want to be)and I aren't that different anymore. 
I realize I've grown up when I close my eyes and I actually can see myself as a doctor.. white coat,stethoscope and all.
 On the other hand..I realize I'm the same as 2,4,even 5 years ago when I see my old stuffed animals laying on my bed. 
When I write happy scenes where my protagonist is living the perfect life I'd love to have. 
When I cry and stress out about what people think. When I get super mad about not being able of doing something. 
When I think about what I've been told and I'm afraid those people were right.  
When I get sad because I can't stand on my feet for a lot of time because of my CP. 
When I accidentally spill some liquid on the floor while walking..due to my CP.
When I feel like I'm a waste of space. 
When..no matter what I do,my hair looks terrible and my glasses are always dirty(no matter how much I wash  or clean them..it's frustrating!). 
When I start feeling like I'm an horrible person on so many levels and I start thinking  no one ever will want to be my friend for a long time  because of a reason unknown to me. 
And..so yes... " I'm not a girl,not yet a woman".*
* The title of the blog post is actually the title of a song by Britney Spears called "I'm not a girl,not yet a woman"

Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images