mental health

Comparison

9:15 AM



"Comparison is the thief of joy".
Who hasn't heard this saying at least once in their life?
It is a very wise,truthful and meaningful thought indeed.
 I just wish it was easier for me to remember about it and to apply it to my daily life.
As far as I remember..I've always compared myself to other people..especially in school.
I've always tried to be the best or at least among the best people in my class. And I was,most of the time.
Being good at school let me help my other classmates with homework and this was my favorite thing to do.
I would spend hours on the phone with a friend..explaining to her what this or that meant or how to translate this or that from Ancient Greek or Latin.
I just loved doing that..I felt like I had a place in my class..like I were..useful.
Then I graduated.
I got into my program...and I started struggling.
 I wasn't among the best anymore. I wasn't the one to whom people asked for help anymore.
I was used to ask people for help with my walking and such..but  the times I had asked help with homework were very few.
Comparison started becoming more and more present in my mind as the day went by. It was like an annoying voice I had at the back of mind that gradually got louder and louder.
Initially it was just a whisper,then it slowly turned into a loud scream that filled up my mind and made me unable to think about anything else...anything else than how worthless I was compared to other people
Here is what that evil voice told me(and still tells me):
" Do you see that girl there?
She's so beautiful. She's so sweet.She's so kind.
 She has a boyfriend and they seem so perfect together. Kids love her,she teaches little girls ballet.
She can cook and bake.
She's so clever..she loves math..she's so good at it that she tutors kids.
She writers poems. She's..amazing.
And you?
You are the complete opposite.
 You..hate math. You're anything but beautiful. You're not sweet..at least not outside of your stupid writing.
You can't write poems..only other..uhm..stuff. You don't have the courage to publish them because you can't stand harsh judgement.
You are nothing compared to her or to anyone of your friends.
You are nothing."
Sometimes this voice becomes so strong and so annoying that everything acts as a trigger. I am forced to take a break from Twitter.
I get quiet...because the voice tells me I should do my best to become invisible.
My writing becomes sad.
I become sad.
Comparison sucks.
Comparison is the thief of joy,indeed.
If only I remembered about it more often.

mental health

Monster brain attacks..

1:16 PM



I was having a good time..studying genetics from my textbook and loving every bit of it.
Then it hit me.
 I started worrying about stupid paperwork- like stuff for uni I haven't taken care of yet because every time I try to take my laptop and open that stupid glitchy  uni website..I just become so scared and anxious that I start shaking from top to toe and crying my eyes out.
I have no idea why. It just scares me to death.
I am afraid of making a silly mistake and lock myself out or cancel everything or stuff like that. I'm afraid  of being scolded and being called stupid and dumb.

Everytime I make a mistake..it acts like super food to my monster-brain.
Once it has been fed..my brain goes crazy and it begins acting like a monster to me..by telling me all sort of bad things.. By making me cry and shake like a leaf...by making me hate everything I was loving a minute earlier( in fact,I had to close my genetics textbook shut and to walk away. And I still want to throw "So many Everests"straight into the fire,and to delete all my drafts for the chapters from my phone. I cried on the Italian version of "For the first time in forever" because it was umbearable for me to listen to at the moment).

Here are some stuff my brain is telling me right now:
"You suck. You're horrible.
 You're the clumsiest person on the face of this planet. No one loves you..not even your parents or your puppy,even!
You will never be a doctor*evil laugh* because you are wrong for that job and you will never be enough..no matter what you do...no matter how much you love medicine.
You don't have friends..you will never have any.
No one likes you. People are kind to you just because they pity you. People pity you.
You are the most stupid,unworthy person ever.
You are 20 years old..for heaven's sake,would you stop dreaming?
You can't live out of dreams..mum told you,remember?
Hope doesn't exist..it's crap. Life sucks and will suck forever.
Suck it up,and,for heaven's sake,stop bothering.
She was right..being a doctor isn't realistic for you.
For heaven's sake..you need to stop writing that stupid crappy stuff..you're no longer 12,dear.
You will never have any bit of what you want because...news flash,you are you! And you suck.
Did you look at yourself in the mirror lately? You're ugly..nobody will ever want to date you,let alone marry you.
All your "friends" are perfect..you suck. All your "friends" have a boyfriend..you've never had one..doesn't that tell you anything about yourself?
You cheer up about stupid achievements like closing a plastic bag with a knot or braiding 3 strings...or peeling an apple. God,you are so pathetic.
You freak out about tiny things..everywhere you go,you get lost. You are afraid of getting trapped in elevators.
You are pathetic and horrible.
You are so stupid..and you write stupid fantasies.
You are so stupid.
You will never write that happy final scene because it's right for your silly little bubble to be full of sadness. It's how it has to be..it's more realistic than those stupid happy scenes you enjoyed writing years ago. Remember? You used to browse the Merck Manual for hours and hours in the summer nights because you had to do your stupid medical research for your stupid chapter.
And you used to lose the track of time while browsing through this or that coagulation disorder because it mesmerized you.
How pathetic.
You are stupid and dreams are crap. "





life

Talks. And feeling a bit better.

11:31 PM



I had a couple of very good days..although I've been feeling very sleepy all the time and I couldn't do much revision.
Today I really need to revise a lot and I'm kinda looking forward to it.
This week has been quite productive...on the non revision side of things,at least.
Of course I felt down last Tuesday..but I was prepared. I've just tried to keep myself as busy as possible,so that would be less painful,I guess.
I did some revision,a lot of chores(I found out I love doing laundry!),I finally sent out some packages(yay!) and I finally conquered my fears and anxieties and got some uni related stuff done.
Yes,it's lame..but going on my uni's website makes me super anxious,I have no idea why.

I also broke down on Friday afternoon..cried for a good hour and told my mum everything or almost everything
I told her about how I feel,about what my silly brain tells me from time to time,about how I don't like uni that much..about peer pressure and,most importantly,about how much I  love medicine and I want to do that in life.
Surprisingly,I found out she wasn't mad about it a couple of days ago. Apparently,she was worried about me.
I told her why I decided not to apply this year and how difficult has been for me to take such decision.
And how difficult has been for me to find out that I could have done a lot better than last time on that stupid admission test.
I told her that sometimes my brain tells me that I am "just me",I'm stupid and worthless and I can't do anything because I feel like I am never "enough".
I told her I knew that everyone has those feelings sometimes and that self doubt is human...but I feel like they crash me and play with me in any way they want..because sometimes I  have absolutely no control over them.
I told her sometimes it's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because I feel like there's no point. Because I lost hope and I'm sick.
I told her I've never talked to her about it before because I didn't want her to worry.
She told me I am amazing and caring and that I can do whatever I want.
She told me to try and get my degree even though I don't like it. I can and I will apply again to med school next year of after I graduate.
She also told me I can move to England after I graduate..so..whooohoo.
I don't really know if or how I'll do it but..I think the UK is definitely in my future..if not for moving there(and hopefully doing medicine there,maybe? *dreams*) at least for a long vacation.
I'm British at heart after all!
After we talked I felt a lot lot better. I actually couldn't stop dancing!

Today I feel more confident.
I feel like I actually have a chance and can become a doctor and do what I love.

I actually could write a happy-ish scene later. Because,let's say it, grey sad Liz is truly no fun.
I have a couple of ideas in mind and I think I finally picked out a name for the new character. But that's gonna be a secret until I write the "last" scene..that I'll probably publish on here if I can.

Soon I'll do the Starlight Award thing..I'm finally feeling up to it,I think. Thank you,Kate..for thinking about me. You're amazing.

I might blog more often..who cares if my English isn't perfect? ;)
After all..this has to be mostly for me,right? ;)



my stories

Elizabeth.

1:23 AM




Elizabeth is the protagonist of my silly little stories. She's keeping me company for..8 years now. Wow..where did time go?
That's..a bit shocking,to be honest. I didn't realize I was this..old.
But..who's Elizabeth? How is she like?
Well..I'll try and explain.

Elizabeth is..complicated(like every woman,you would say!)yet so simple.
Elizabeth is a mess inside but,most of the time,she's able to hide it.
Elizabeth can seem frail..but inside she's a tough cookie.
Elizabeth would go into a fire for family and friends.
Elizabeth has suffered a lot..she has been let down by people she cared about..but that made her stronger.
Elizabeth is stubborn. So stubborn that,if she hit her head against a wall,the wall would crack.
Elizabeth likes reading medical journals because she loves medicine so much.
Elizabeth has a major sweet tooth and she's a chocoholic.
Elizabeth likes country music and all those sweet slow pace love songs that make you all mellow inside.
Elizabeth loves reading.
Elizabeth loves food and indulging on a glass of white wine from time to time.
Elizabeth is a domestic goddess in training(Uhm..she still needs loads of training though).
Elizabeth loves her friends.
Elizabeth likes scarves and cardigans and dresses and funny socks.
Elizabeth loves scented candles.
Elizabeth is anxious sometimes..and she's often afraid to be left alone once again.
Elizabeth is kind..maybe too kind. She's polite,maybe too polite. She's sweet,maybe too sweet.
Elizabeth always forgives people. If she makes a mistake,she can't stop saying sorry.
Elizabeth cries often. She cries when she's sad..when she's mad,when she's happy,when she's broken. She's not ashamed of crying in public.
Every time someone does something for her..Elizabeth is amazed by the fact that..that person has actually thought of her.
Elizabeth worries. She worries a lot..when she probably should learn that sometimes it's good and necessary not to give a monkeys about what others think.
Elizabeth loves kids. In fact,she's still a kid at heart who believes in fairytales.
Elizabeth loves coffee and cookies dipped in coffee.
Elizabeth loves people(especially little people,see above) and she likes being able to create a long term relationship with them..that's why she chose pediatrics as her specialty.
Elizabeth can seem dark and twisty sometimes..but deep inside,she still hopes. In fact her daughter's name is Aurore. (Yes..it's French. Elizabeth loves languages.).
Elizabeth doesn't like to give up.
Elizabeth is clumsy.
Elizabeth is insecure.
Elizabeth is haunted by self doubt.
Elizabeth and self esteem don't get along well sometimes.
Elizabeth sometimes is her own worst enemy.
Elizabeth sometimes thinks of herself as a bother,a burden or a charity case.
Elizabeth sometimes feels worthless.
Elizabeth is going through a difficult time right now but she's going to have her happy ending one day..hopefully soon.

Actually..Elizabeth is me.

mental health

It's me we're talking about

1:52 AM

"It's ME we're talking about. ME. "
This is one of the thoughts that haunts me the most.  
It crashes me. It makes difficult for me to breathe...to sleep..to live.
I feel like I have Everest to climb( just like the protagonist of one of my favorite books) like I try and try but I can't climb it.
I wish I were like those people who don't seem to have dreams..or at least who can settle.
I wish all of this was easier. 
I wish I didn't have CP..I wish I was more independent and not so scared.
I wish I liked my course more. I try. I swear. 
There hasn't been 1 day since October when I didn't study. Once I had high fever,an headache and a terrible cough..but I still studied.
Even now that I am on holiday,I brought my chem textbook with me. I tried to study on the train..I try to study during the day..even though it's impossible because there are things to do,places to go,people visiting..it never ends. Plus..somehow,opening that textbook kinda makes me throw up and have some kind of anxiety attack.
"It's ME we're talking about. ME"
Here it is,again.
"You live in a fairytales..you live out of dreams".
"If you don't do well here,you have no chances in med school".
"You have to take Chemistry in med school..you know that,right? "
"You can't talk..you're not a doctor"
"You can't tell people you want to graduate as a doctor and then think about boys and love. It's weird"

Peer pressure also destroys me. I literally can't breathe when I see people who are only a little bit older than me and have a degree and are successful.
 I feel terrible and wrong..I feel like I'm a total failure.
Why is life so difficult?
Why can't I understand chem problems?
Why can I devour biology/medicine textbooks no problem?
Why is problem solving so difficult on me?
Why have I started to be ashamed of what I dream and want to do?
Maybe I was brought up like this.
Why do people look at me with compassion if I tell them I want to go to med school? 
Why is the admission process so stupid?
Why can't I help anyone..ever?
Why can't I help MYSELF?
Why do I always feel so helpless,scared and alone?
What's so wrong with me?

mental health

Am I a control freak?

12:42 AM

I cry. That's just something I do.  

I always cry..for different reasons.
I cry when I'm super angry. I cry to release all my fears,anxieties and worries. 
I cry when I'm sad and broken. 
I'm crying right now and I'm not really sure why.
Maybe because of all the reasons I wrote above..maybe because of none of them. Maybe because of something entirely different..maybe because of no reason at all.
That's funny..because I never cry(nor cried when I was younger) when I fall and,let's say,get hurt. My mum worries every time I fall..but I just smile and get up right away.
<< Don't worry,I'm fine>> that's what I always say.
I am a  tough cookie on the outside. I can pretend to be happy and to have everything under control.
On the inside however I'm a total mess. I don't know whether I've always been a mess or if I became one this past year.
I've always had my moments of crying..my summer late night hours where I couldn't sleep...all of these things. 
My thoughts..my "moments" ..they're like old friends to me. I know them..they know me. We can live together..with each other. I can kick them out of my mind for a little bit. Or at least..I was able to do that.
 Writing helped. Making up characters,lives,stories..places. Being transported into another world..into my little happy bubble on which I had control. Not having CP anymore..being beautiful and kind and smart. Having a nice job and a nice family. Of course,my characters too went through bad moments..but I mostly wrote about them being happy..with their simple yet perfect life. 
Now writing doesn't really help anymore. Sometimes I find myself hating and canceling stuff I wrote months ago..happy scenes. I find myself hating those. I start crying and getting mad. 
I know life is..life and you can't have total control over it..the same control you have when you write something.
 Sometimes I wish I had it.

mental health

Let's talk about it.

7:15 AM




WARNING:I'm no expert in the topic I'll talk about in this  post. I'm not a doctor,nor a therapist. I don't have any certified knowledge nor training. I honestly don't think I know much about the topic..nothing but what I learned and still learning from my very personal experience. Views are mine.

Let's talk about it.  Let's talk about depression and anxiety.
As I said above..I'm no expert whatsoever. I'm in fact barely out of my teens.
But I think depression and anxiety are very important topics and I'd like to talk about it.I,for one, have always been anxious. I'm anxious about everything...going places,seeing people,taking a test,going to a place I've never been before...you name it.
Since I was about 11 I've been terrified of going places..like little shops and stuff like that.
I'm not claustrophobic,it's not that. But after 5 minutes I've been into a shop,my brain disconnects,my heart starts pounding,I start shaking from top to toe.
I don't know why. 
Maybe it's because,after I've been on my feet for 5 minutes,I get super tired and I need to sit down and if I see no chairs around I start panicking.
It's really stupid. I know. But I can't always sit on the ground. And my CP and staying on my feet don't really get along.
Maybe now that I have my walker,this issue will be solved..as long as I take my walker with me everywhere I go.
Sometimes I get anxiety attacks that prevent me from living normally. Sometimes my fears and anxieties fill up my head so much that I literally cannot think about anything else(happened a couple of weeks ago).
Sometimes I get panic attacks. I start breathing faster and faster,my heart starts pounding,I start sweating, I get pins and needles all over my body,I can't walk straight and..-be prepared,this is weird- I start speaking and thinking only in English..that,as many of you already know,is my second language.
Yes,my brain is weird.
I've always been anxious about this or that. Anxiety is horrible.

I don't know whether I am depressed or not.
 I haven't been evaluated for that..nor I have been to a therapist recently.
I just get these..terrible moments where I feel like everything is falling apart..like everything is slipping out of control..like I were in a car and I had lost control over it.
Sometimes I have breakdowns..lasting up to 30 minutes. I cry,cry and cry until I feel better. 
Sometimes all the crying leaves me with puffy red eyes and makes it hard for me to breathe.
Sometimes I feel like I'm useless and a waste of space..a bother..a burden..a mistake.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't even be alive..that everyone would be better off without me.
During these horrible moments I actually thought about overdosing on pills and just getting over with it..but the rational part of me took over all the times.
Sometimes I don't want to get up in the morning.
Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever. 
Sometimes I feel like a horrible person and a failure. And it's not exam time only.
It's (almost) all the time since..October. 
Sometimes I just found myself thinking: "what's the point of trying? I'll end up being a burden and failure anyway. What's the point?".
I somehow convinced myself that my parents wouldn't have loved me anymore if I hadn't got good grades at uni and that made me so sick.  Thank God I now have their word it's not true and it's just my brain being silly.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to somehow show people I CAN do medicine...which is my passion(at least ,it's one of them) and what I want to do with my life.
I often feel like I'm not enough. 
Not clever enough. Not brainy enough. Not sweet enough. Not kind enough. Not enough.

The point of all this rambling though is not ranting about how blah I feel,about the problems I have and such. 
As I said..I do know I have anxiety. However I do not know if I could be diagnosed with proper depression or if it's just my stupid mind making up things.
Literally the only thing that works for me when I have breakdowns and anxiety attacks..is letting it all out..whether  by crying or writing..or emailing a  dear friend of mine who's always there for me..or going on Twitter where there are a lot of lovely people who are there to listen to me and talk to me.
I'm proud..I don't like asking for help and I'm terrified by the thought of bothering people or being  clingy and annoying. But I'm learning that I need help sometimes. That I am human. That I can be weak from time to time. That I don't always need to put up a brave face and push through pain...like it was nothing..like it didn't hurt. I'm learning to ask for help. 

As I said,I'm not a doctor nor an expert in the field..but..if you feel like I feel..please..talk to someone. A friend,a relative..a teacher. 
Or..if you don't want to talk because you don't want to bother or you can't talk..write down everything that goes through your mind..just to let it all out. No one has to read what you wrote. It's for you and for you only. 
You can cancel everything after you've done writing..without even reading through it once.
Please don't isolate. You don't deserve pain.  You don't deserve to be alone nor to suffer.  Easier said than done,I know.
Once you ask for help..once you find a friend..once you realize someone is indeed there for you,once you realize that you're not alone..little by little everything becomes more bearable.  
The sun will rise again..sooner or later. 
I promise.

Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images