ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

Dear Depressed Em,

Clear your mind of "I can't do this,this and this because of this,this and this".

Doctors thought you would die and you didn't. You fought and won your first battle with only a little bruise as a reminder. You're gonna have to live with this "bruise" that is CP for the rest of your life..but hey,you two are starting to get along,right?

You thought you wouldn't survive high school because the course you chose was "hard" and "too difficult" and you "weren't smart enough" for it. Remember how many sleepless nights you had,during the summer before freshman year? Remember how much you cried in a pillow at night..because you were scared?

It was hard,yes. But you gave it all you had and in the end you graduated top of your class and won a scholarship.

You won one of the 2 scholarships available for your entire school district. YOU did it.

The same person who cried and cried in a pillow because she was so so scared of not making it through high school. Because she thought she wasn't smart enough for it. 

You applied to med school because it has always been your dream..and because you can't see yourself as anything else but a doctor,after all.

Then..you didn't get in for a variety of reasons..and life started not to go "according to plan". You cried for 3 days straight,remember? But then you got up and kept studying because you had to graduate.

Then..a mean person you trusted because you looked up to her told you becoming a doctor "wasn't realistic" for you. 

And that was the final straw. 

You didn't want to get out of bed when you were on study leave and supposed to review for your exams. You studied only because you had to help your friends..and to this day,you're so grateful to them..and 75% of your grade and scholarship should actually go to them.

You started biotech..at the beginning you were so excited about it and planned to get out of there and reapply to med school ASAP. But then..you started doubting yourself..more than you'd ever done before.You hated biotech..and still do.. self doubt ate you alive and paralysed you more than CP ever did. 

It still does. And..the "I can't,I can't I can't" returned..stronger than ever.

.

Yes,I know I should be reviewing because my physiology exam is in a week and I want and NEED to do super well on it. But first..I need to write this down.

Two days ago I was sitting at my laptop trying to review but my eyes were teary and burning and I wouldn't stop yawning..don't you hate when that happens?

So I decided I had to read something other than my study material in order to reactivate my brain. I stumbled into a PDF of a book I forgot I had in my laptop "Breaking Night" by Liz Murray. I finished re-reading before lunch today and it made me cry. It's so beautiful...check it out if you haven't.

Elizabeth "Liz" Murray was born in 1980 in New York from heroin and cocaine addicted parents who loved her but would do anything for some more drugs. She grew  to protect them and help them in any way she could. She was especially close to her mother,Jeanie,who,on top of everything, was an alcoholic. 

In the book,Liz goes through all her life from early age to when she's 18. 

When she's about 17,Liz finds herself homeless because the old apartment she lived in with her parents got demolished,her dad lives in shelter and her mum and older sister,Lisa,live with a rather abusive and mean man,known simply as 'Brick' who initially was kind to Jeanie but then started treating her like garbage. Jeanie had always suffered from mental illness and was declared HIV positive when Liz was about 15.

After her mum died from AIDS,Liz realised she had to change what she could about the situation she was in..and that  the only thing she could change was her education. 

So she went back to school,completed  4 years of high school in 2 years and received a 12.000$/year scholarship for her to pay for college.

And on top of everything she got accepted to Harvard where she went for her undergraduate and graduate studies..eventually becoming a counsellor and motivational speaker. 

Amazing,right?

I realised..when I read about Liz having this dream of going to High School  and getting all As..going to college and graduating and making something good out of herself and her life..and knowing that she could at least TRY to do that..I realised I used to be exactly like her.

Driven. Determined. Hard working. Hopeful. But then..my last year of high school was so stressful and busy..I didn't get into med school and right before my final exams I fell in such deep depression and was so sad and exhausted I didn't want to get out of bed.

Then I graduated with high grades,won a scholarship and started feeling better...and looking at the future with a smile and hope. I applied to biotech and biology program,knowing that it wasn't what I wanted to do,but planning to drop out as soon as I got more independent and got  into med school.

But then.. my grandpa passed away,people started paying money to get into med school at the point that there were so many people following lectures that they had to sit on the floors. Now..I could have paid for my admission with my very own money from the scholarship..I could have got into a med school that was 3 hours from home. But despite it being completely unethical for everyone but the people who had been involved in the all papers stealing thing, I knew overcrowded schools weren't the right thing for me. I knew I yet wasn't independent enough to go to med school and on top of everything else..biotech had damaged my self esteem,taking it from low to virtually non existent. I sat a long 3 part multiple choice exam and barely passed despite giving it my all..studying as much as I possibly could. From there..everything got even worse and went downhill. I started getting more and more anxious and depressed..loathing every little bit of my being.

When I saw that I  had barely passed despite giving it my all..I thought "What else should I do? I gave it my all..I don't have  anymore to give. I was used to get good grades if I worked really really hard like I did for this exam. I can't possibly work any harder. If I suck at this stupid biotech thing,I have no chances in Med School. I give up. I'm a freakin' failure. I just wanna sleep.  And don't wake up anymore".

I was scared of sitting exams...I would postpone them and tell myself I would have done them "later" and then loathe myself even more because of that.

I still do this..even though I am trying my best,I seem not to have found what study method works for me or how can I get good grades,like my seemingly perfect classmates I can barely stand do. I'm still scared of tiny things and beyond stressed and although I sat more exams than last year and my grades were better than those this year..I still am nowhere I should be. As a former top student(I was one of the two people in my school district who were given a scholarship. And no. High School in Italy is not a walk in the park..I have pretty much the same knowledge a Ancient Literature college graduate would have,I checked ;) ) who worked her butt off  everyday but was rewarded with good grades..seeing that working as hard as I can isn't enough anymore broke me. It made me scared and stole that little bit of self confidence I had from me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a bit jealous of my classmates who seem perfect(seem is the key word here) and study and get great grades..and are beautiful and confident. I maybe need to get closer to them and learn from them..but being around them makes me feel like a huge failure. Darn pride.

I know I have  to think about my own path and don't give a monkeys about others' because I have my own goals and dreams and because I am me and not them. I know everyone takes his/her own time to accomplish things..I know I have my all life in front of me...for me to become a doctor and accomplish my goals. But sometimes it's so hard not to feel like a failure or under a lot of pressure. 

 In her book,  Liz Murray  writes that when she got  her blank transcripts from her new high school, she thought of them as "a clean slate"..a symbol of hope and of the new life she was starting to build for herself. And then,pencil in hand, she  filled them with rows of As..the As she knew she could take if she worked hard. The As she NEEDED to take..in order to come out of that dark hole life had put her into. 

In her book she also writes,she often pictured a runner in her head. A runner who would run her own run which was full of obstacles to overcome and who would never give up until she got to the finish line. She herself was the runner. And the obstacles were..well,the obstacles she faced during her life changing journey. They were as simple as "I want to sleep all day,I'm tired and cold. Wait..I need to go to school though..that's more important than a few more minutes of sleep!". 

I wish I could turn back time and be in first year again and have a "clean slate" as Liz calls it.

I can't do that. 

But I can decide I'm worthy of fighting for my dreams. 

I can decide to get up after I messed up. 

I can decide to give school my best shot. 

I can decide what kind of food to put into my body and be even healthier than I am now.

I can decide to adapt work outs to what I can do instead of getting angry at my CP because I can't do this or that move. 

I can decide to do something for myself and get an higher English proficiency certificate I've been wanting to take for years. I will take it this year. It'll  be my way to relax and hopefully my self esteem will benefit from it.

I can change some stuff about myself and about my situation.

I can  choose to have my goals in mind every morning when I get up,like I did when I was in High School.

I can't turn back time and I can't change everything.

Liz also writes every day is a clean slate..every day is a chance for you to change.

My clean slate starts today. 

I wrote for almost 2 hours..holy smokes. It felt so good but know I gotta go and do some serious review!

Those As won't write themselves,will they?

"My world is upside down"- PART 2

After kissing Laura goodbye for the 10th time,I took Aurore's little hand and we walked out of Elle's house.

-Mummy,now what? -she asked me,while we were heading to the car- We go play?

-What if we go grocery shopping first?-I suggested,while putting her in her car seat -And then we go home and play after that. Doesn't that sound fun?

At the word "grocery shopping" she grinned. She wasn't even 3 yet,and she was already as food obsessed as I was.

-Strawberries? Blueberries? Chocolate?

I chuckled.

-Yes,we'll get those as well.

Her eyes lit up. 

-Yay!

I gave her one of her favourite stuffed animals and I caressed her cheek. I always kept a few stuffed animals in the car,in order to keep the girls quiet and content during long trips.

I hopped into the car and buckled up. 

I then started driving to the nearest grocery store.

It was crazy how normal driving had become to me over the years. 

I had had quite a rough start with it back when I was in my teens. 

To start with,I hadn't taken my driving license at 16,like most of my peers had. In fact,at the time,I was too busy graduating high school early and filling up applications for college. 

I just didn't have the time to take it. 

Then I had moved,started college and started struggling with depression. 

And that had delayed taking my license even more.

I sighed. 

Depression had taken-and was still taking- so much from me. 

I stopped at a red light and quickly turned around to check on Aurore.

 -Hey baby...-I said- ..are you alright? Is Waffle fun?

-He fun. -she grinned -we there yet?

-Not yet,baby.  But we'll be there in a few minutes.

Five minutes later,we got to the grocery store. 

I got out of the car and strapped Aurore out of her car seat. I then locked the car and made a mental note of the exact spot where I had parked.

Aurore's eyes were sparkly. She loved the grocery store.

I held her hand and I looked at her in the eye.

-Okay,sweetie.- I told her- The grocery store is gonna be full of people and chaos. Never let my hand go,okay?

I expected her to nod and grin enthusiastically,as she usually did. But she didn't.

-My legs are tired..-she moaned-..can't walk. Mummy carry me?

Her eyes got even sparklier. 

-Please mummy.-she added

I looked at her genuinely excited expression and then I took my free hand to my growing belly. 

I hated the idea of telling her no. But,even though I was just 24 weeks along,I was already rather huge for my normally petite size and my balance wasn't that good anymore.  Quite a change from my first pregnancy, when,at 24 weeks,I was barely showing.

I looked at Aurore again. 

  If I held her and carried her,I could fall and hurt both her and the baby.

-Mummy? 

I smiled at her.

-Sweetheart..mummy can't hold you the whole time..-I forced myself to say.

Aurore's excited grin disappeared,so did the sparkle in her eyes.

I felt my heart breaking.

A couple of minutes later,I had a idea.

I grinned at Aurore.

-Come on,baby. -I told her -I had a fantastic idea. 

-Really?

There it was again. The sparkle in her eyes . 

As soon as I saw it,I felt a lot better.

-Yes. Hold my hand and follow me.

She held my hand and we walked towards the shopping carts.

I took one out of the row.

-Ready? -I asked Aurore with a smile.

-What,mummy? 

She was confused but her eyes were still sparkly.

-You'll see.-I winked at her -Ready?

She nodded.

Carefully,I lifted her up. Oh boy,was she heavy.

-Aww,you're getting so big,aren't you baby? -I whispered to myself.

I then carefully made her sit down in the shopping cart. 

-Are you comfortable like this,sweetie?-I asked her.
Aurore looked around.
I was sure it was because she wasn't expecting that.
At that moment I realised I  rarely had made the girls sit into the shopping cart before,even though I vividly remember my mum doing that with me when I was a kid.
I  then sighed,realising that I had  done that so rarely because I used to never go grocery shopping on my own with both Laura and Aurore in tow.
Not when I had to grocery shop for the week,anyway.
In that case, we always tried to grocery shop as a family,all four of us.
The girls loved the grocery store.
It was a great learning opportunity for them,as I would teach them colours and numbers and new words as we shopped.
Plus they were as food obsessed as I was.
For that reason, I tried to take them shopping with me anytime I could,including when we had to stock up on food for the week ahead.
And...every single time,Mark insisted to come with me.
"I know you can handle it on your own,Lizzie. But let me be your knight in the shining whatever for once".
That's what he always used to tell me before I could protest.
And that's how that "once" quickly turned into "every time".
My gosh,how much I missed him.
I felt my eyes filling with tears and blinked to get rid of them.
-Sweetie?- I repeated- Are you okay?

-Yes!
She grinned at me,holding her stuffed animal.
-Strawberries now?
-Oh yes.-I winked at her- We're gonna get all the strawberries we can find.

I don't know where this blog post is gonna get to,what direction it's gonna take. 

To be be honest,I don't even know if this is gonna be a proper blog post or just a series of random thoughts put together.

I haven't blogged in a while. 

To be honest,I haven't written much these days either. I do have some ideas for new scenes and I have to rewrite the grocery shopping scene (see my last blog post for more info about it) and hopefully post it on here when it's done. 

But..I just didn't get around to actually elaborate and transform my ideas into a proper story.

This morning I felt so sick that I decided to take a break from Twitter because Evie has woken up again and started bothering me again.

She brought her big guns with her,too. Comparison is one of the most dangerous and powerful weapons she loves to hurt me with.  

It leads to self loathing and isolation(feeling like I should be left alone forever or strongly wishing I could become one with the walls),hence the Twitter break.

I don't know how long my break will last,I hope it won't be too long. 

I hope Evie will get back to sleep soon.

Here is how a conversation with Evie usually goes. She usually starts bothering me at night,when I am in bed,trying to fall asleep..or in the morning,before I get up.

Evie: "Hey. I'm back! Did you miss me?"

Me: "No. Please,leave me alone. Go back to sleep".

Evie: "Oh no,I just woke up...I wanna have fun!"

Me: "No. Go away. "

Evie: "So..how did your day go?"

Me: "I had fun. My Twitter friends are lovely. They actually like me! And my friend B from uni and I had lunch together today..we talked! I think she likes me too. She's always so kind to me and she listen to what I say and she doesn't pretend I'm not there!"

Evie: "Mmmmm. Actually,she does not like you. She's kind because she pities you and she's gonna leave you. Everyone does,remember? You better not get attached as you usually do. Pathetic."

Me: "Shut up. And then there's my friend I. She's so sweet and kind. I love sitting with her at English. I help her. I love doing that. I missed helping people with homework and such. I love English class..I actually feel like the old me again. I feel..somewhat competent. I feel like I actually know something!"

Evie: "That's basic level,that's why you feel like you know something. If you were to take a more advanced level class,you wouldn't last 2 seconds. And you would fail at the only thing you're supposed to be decent at. You're not smart. You're not bright. You are a waste of space."

Me: "Shut up. Leave me alone".

Evie: "You need to leave Twitter for good..you're not smart enough to be on there and to talk to people. You don't even know what you're talking about most of the time! You're not  a med student,nor a doctor,nor someone smart or funny or caring or kind. You just bother."

Me: "I don't! I have friends on there..they are so kind..they like me. I like being part of the Twitter community. Now,could you please leave me alone? I want to write something."

Evie: "oh..that stupid grocery shopping scene? How cute. 

You know that' s stupid,don't you? 

You know those people were right,don't you?

You..will never have any of that.  Well..let me be kind,maybe you can have the saddest bits. 

Come on,seriously? You are..you. "

Me: "Oh yes..I..forgot. You're right. I am..me."

Evie: "you will never do that or anything else in life,for that matter. Wake up,Sleeping Beauty. No one really likes you. You're just a bother. Always been,always will be.

Me: "You're mean. *sobs* My friend L might come over this summer. She says she wants to hang out with me. So you're wrong. She's my friend."

Evie: "You are gonna bore her to tears. You are boring and not fun,remember?"

Me: "I..shut up, you,evil monster! That's not true!

Evie: "I beg your pardon?"

Me: "I meant..yes, ma'am. I remember."

Evie: "Now..that's better."

Dear future daughter,

hello! It's mummy here.

Crazy how I'm writing you a letter when you're not even here yet..uh?

Yes,I am aware of this. 

But you're gonna learn that mummy is a writer and a softie so she does crazy things like this sometimes!

I know it might be a little too early for me to think about you right now...I'm sure many years are going to go by before you come. 

Princesses need to take their sweet time,after all.

I am still writing you this letter though because ,deep inside, I know you will be here,one day.

I don't yet know what your name will be( I have some in mind though and I'm in love with two of them in particular) nor how you'll look like...I can only try and picture your face in my mind,when my evil monster gives me a break from all the torturing(more about this later).

I hope you'll get my hair..the only thing about my physical appearance that I like.

I hope you will be confident and fearless.

I hope you will be strong and resilient.

I hope you will be kind,caring and sweet.

I hope you will know the power of compassion and empathy.

I hope you will know the power of gratitude,hope and kindness and use it in your daily life.

I will try my best to raise you as best as I possibly can and to teach you these said things.

Gosh..these are so many things already! There's already so much I'd like to teach you,so be prepared to learn a lot!

I'm gonna introduce you to English as soon as possible..like your Nana did with me,in the hopes you'll love it as much as I did then and do now.

But don't worry..I won't force you to do anything you don't want to or to like things you clearly don't!

English has always been very important to mummy,you know?

It means..freedom to me. It's a bit complicated to explain..just know that if I were asked to write this letter in Italian, I couldn't do it.

I hope you too will find something similar. Something that means freedom to you. Maybe it will be a sport? Or playing an instrument? Or baking?

Whatever you want. 

I don't know why but I think you'll love sports. 

Maybe it's because I'm quite lazy and I don't like sports much..so I hope you won't be like me!

I will try my best to support you in every way possible..with your choices and with how you decide to live your life.

Whatever you decide to do,I will always be your number one fan.

I hope you will never be afraid of talking to me and telling me whatever you want or whatever is going on in your mind.

I hope you will have the strength and the courage to follow your dreams. 

I used to have those,you know? 

Now I'm going through a rather rough period of my life and they seem to be playing hide and seek. But I'll find them back!

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they say.

I hope you will never have to deal with an evil monster like the one I seem to be dealing with right now. She's horrible. 

I hope you will learn that sometimes you need not to give a monkeys of what people tell you and have to go after what you want despite their bad words.

If you  happen to be anything like me(I hope you won't be!),it might take you some time to master this. 

I myself am still learning how to do it

But I'll learn it,one day soon...and you will too.

Here comes the most difficult part of this letter. I don't know how to write this.

As you grow older,you might start to notice that mummy has a bit of an issue with walking and uses a walker as an aid. You might notice that,as you grow older and bigger..mummy can't hold you and carry you around much anymore. 

You might notice that mummy is a bit different from the other mums you see... that she gets tired often and needs to take her walker with her everywhere she goes.

You don't have to be scared of this. 

It's called cerebral palsy or CP for short. It's not progressive,nor contagious. You see..when I was born,I was 13 weeks earlier and I had some problems..the most serious of them affected my brain and caused me to have CP.

To be completely honest with you,even though I've been living with this my all life..I still hate it sometimes. I am not proud of this..but sometimes I do.

A couple of days ago I was asked if I could hold a baby..in a bad rhetorical way,as to say "oh poor you,do you really think YOU can do it? If you do,there must be something seriously wrong
 with you".

And after that I was made fun of because I said I want to become a pediatrician.

I felt so terrible. Like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and crashed in a million pieces.

I've been keeping myself as busy as I possibly could in order not to think of it.

See? I told you I still have to learn how to deal with bad things people tell me in a better way.

I suck at it still.

Last night though..I remembered of a scene I wrote some time ago. 

Yes, you're probably gonna hear a lot about mummy's writing as you grow up. So you better get used to it hihihi.

In the scene,my protagonist is almost  7 months pregnant with her 3rd child and she goes grocery shopping with her youngest daughter,who's 2 and a half. At her request of never letting go of her hand while they're shopping,the little girl asks her if she can hold her and carry her around instead. 

Now..since my protagonist is heavily pregnant and having a difficult pregnancy,she can't do that.

So she takes a shopping cart,picks her daughter up and makes it so she's sitting comfortably in it. So everyone is happy,both her and her little girl.

When I remembered of this scene..I felt relieved. 

And I smiled and felt a lot better than I had been feeling all weekend. 

I finally realised that person's words were wrong. 

Of course my situation is gonna be a bit different than my protagonist's (well..unless I have other kids after you,as I hope to)..but I too have weight bearing and tiredness issues due to my CP..that might cause me not to be able to carry you around. 

But..as my protagonist does in the scene,I too can find other ways to deal with this "problem". I too might make you sit in a shopping cart for example. (Shopping carts are super fun by the way! I loved sitting in them as a kid!)

You see,sweetheart..I'm learning,day by day,that yes..I am different from others. Yes,I have CP and maybe depression and anxiety as well.

I have them. They don't have me.

It's hard some days..I am not gonna lie.

But..I am trying to learn that I can still do things despite my illnesses/disabilities.

That my goals are..realistic still. They might be more difficult to accomplish yes,but it's indeed possible for me to accomplish them.

I can still become a pediatrician and I can still be the best mother I can possibly be to you.

This letter was about you and it has become about me..mummy rambles sometimes and tends to go off topic. 

Sorry about that.

I hope..by the time you come, I'll have managed to have a better relationship with  my monsters.

I hope you will be as proud of me,as I'll be of you. 

I don't know you yet nor I have met you yet,but I know you will be amazing. 

I know I will be so proud of you.

With all my love,

Mummy

LEARNING TO LIVE IN MY UPSIDE DOWN WORLD - PART 1



A faint cry woke me up. When I opened my eyes,it took me a while to realize where I was.