ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...: July 2015

It's me we're talking about

1:52 AM

"It's ME we're talking about. ME. "

This is one of the thoughts that haunts me the most.

It crashes me. It makes difficult for me to breathe...to sleep..to live.

I feel like I have Everest to climb( just like the protagonist of one of my favorite books) like I try and try but I can't climb it.

I wish I were like those people who don't seem to have dreams..or at least who can settle.

I wish all of this was easier.

I wish I didn't have CP..I wish I was more independent and not so scared.

I wish I liked my course more. I try. I swear.

There hasn't been 1 day since October when I didn't study. Once I had high fever,an headache and a terrible cough..but I still studied.

Even now that I am on holiday,I brought my chem textbook with me. I tried to study on the train..I try to study during the day..even though it's impossible because there are things to do,places to go,people visiting..it never ends. Plus..somehow,opening that textbook kinda makes me throw up and have some kind of anxiety attack.

"It's ME we're talking about. ME"

Here it is,again.

"You live in a fairytales..you live out of dreams".

"If you don't do well here,you have no chances in med school".

"You have to take Chemistry in med school..you know that,right? "

"You can't talk..you're not a doctor"

"You can't tell people you want to graduate as a doctor and then think about boys and love. It's weird"

Peer pressure also destroys me. I literally can't breathe when I see people who are only a little bit older than me and have a degree and are successful.

I feel terrible and wrong..I feel like I'm a total failure.

Why is life so difficult?

Why can't I understand chem problems?

Why can I devour biology/medicine textbooks no problem?

Why is problem solving so difficult on me?

Why have I started to be ashamed of what I dream and want to do?

Maybe I was brought up like this.

Why do people look at me with compassion if I tell them I want to go to med school?

Why is the admission process so stupid?

Why can't I help anyone..ever?

Why can't I help MYSELF?

Why do I always feel so helpless,scared and alone?

What's so wrong with me?

mental health

Am I a control freak?

12:42 AM

I cry. That's just something I do.

I always cry..for different reasons.

I cry when I'm super angry. I cry to release all my fears,anxieties and worries.

I cry when I'm sad and broken.

I'm crying right now and I'm not really sure why.

Maybe because of all the reasons I wrote above..maybe because of none of them. Maybe because of something entirely different..maybe because of no reason at all.

That's funny..because I never cry(nor cried when I was younger) when I fall and,let's say,get hurt. My mum worries every time I fall..but I just smile and get up right away.

<< Don't worry,I'm fine>> that's what I always say.

I am a tough cookie on the outside. I can pretend to be happy and to have everything under control.

On the inside however I'm a total mess. I don't know whether I've always been a mess or if I became one this past year.

I've always had my moments of crying..my summer late night hours where I couldn't sleep...all of these things.

My thoughts..my "moments" ..they're like old friends to me. I know them..they know me. We can live together..with each other. I can kick them out of my mind for a little bit. Or at least..I was able to do that.

Writing helped. Making up characters,lives,stories..places. Being transported into another world..into my little happy bubble on which I had control. Not having CP anymore..being beautiful and kind and smart. Having a nice job and a nice family. Of course,my characters too went through bad moments..but I mostly wrote about them being happy..with their simple yet perfect life.

Now writing doesn't really help anymore. Sometimes I find myself hating and canceling stuff I wrote months ago..happy scenes. I find myself hating those. I start crying and getting mad.

I know life is..life and you can't have total control over it..the same control you have when you write something.

Sometimes I wish I had it.

mental health

Let's talk about it.

7:15 AM

WARNING:I'm no expert in the topic I'll talk about in this post. I'm not a doctor,nor a therapist. I don't have any certified knowledge nor training. I honestly don't think I know much about the topic..nothing but what I learned and still learning from my very personal experience. Views are mine.

Let's talk about it. Let's talk about depression and anxiety.

As I said above..I'm no expert whatsoever. I'm in fact barely out of my teens.

But I think depression and anxiety are very important topics and I'd like to talk about it.I,for one, have always been anxious. I'm anxious about everything...going places,seeing people,taking a test,going to a place I've never been before...you name it.

Since I was about 11 I've been terrified of going places..like little shops and stuff like that.

I'm not claustrophobic,it's not that. But after 5 minutes I've been into a shop,my brain disconnects,my heart starts pounding,I start shaking from top to toe.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's because,after I've been on my feet for 5 minutes,I get super tired and I need to sit down and if I see no chairs around I start panicking.

It's really stupid. I know. But I can't always sit on the ground. And my CP and staying on my feet don't really get along.

Maybe now that I have my walker,this issue will be solved..as long as I take my walker with me everywhere I go.

Sometimes I get anxiety attacks that prevent me from living normally. Sometimes my fears and anxieties fill up my head so much that I literally cannot think about anything else(happened a couple of weeks ago).

Sometimes I get panic attacks. I start breathing faster and faster,my heart starts pounding,I start sweating, I get pins and needles all over my body,I can't walk straight and..-be prepared,this is weird- I start speaking and thinking only in English..that,as many of you already know,is my second language.

Yes,my brain is weird.

I've always been anxious about this or that. Anxiety is horrible.

I don't know whether I am depressed or not.

I haven't been evaluated for that..nor I have been to a therapist recently.

I just get these..terrible moments where I feel like everything is falling apart..like everything is slipping out of control..like I were in a car and I had lost control over it.

Sometimes I have breakdowns..lasting up to 30 minutes. I cry,cry and cry until I feel better.

Sometimes all the crying leaves me with puffy red eyes and makes it hard for me to breathe.

Sometimes I feel like I'm useless and a waste of space..a bother..a burden..a mistake.

Sometimes I think I shouldn't even be alive..that everyone would be better off without me.

During these horrible moments I actually thought about overdosing on pills and just getting over with it..but the rational part of me took over all the times.

Sometimes I don't want to get up in the morning.

Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever.

Sometimes I feel like a horrible person and a failure. And it's not exam time only.

It's (almost) all the time since..October.

Sometimes I just found myself thinking: "what's the point of trying? I'll end up being a burden and failure anyway. What's the point?".

I somehow convinced myself that my parents wouldn't have loved me anymore if I hadn't got good grades at uni and that made me so sick. Thank God I now have their word it's not true and it's just my brain being silly.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to somehow show people I CAN do medicine...which is my passion(at least ,it's one of them) and what I want to do with my life.

I often feel like I'm not enough.

Not clever enough. Not brainy enough. Not sweet enough. Not kind enough. Not enough.

The point of all this rambling though is not ranting about how blah I feel,about the problems I have and such.

As I said..I do know I have anxiety. However I do not know if I could be diagnosed with proper depression or if it's just my stupid mind making up things.

Literally the only thing that works for me when I have breakdowns and anxiety attacks..is letting it all out..whether by crying or writing..or emailing a dear friend of mine who's always there for me..or going on Twitter where there are a lot of lovely people who are there to listen to me and talk to me.

I'm proud..I don't like asking for help and I'm terrified by the thought of bothering people or being clingy and annoying. But I'm learning that I need help sometimes. That I am human. That I can be weak from time to time. That I don't always need to put up a brave face and push through pain...like it was nothing..like it didn't hurt. I'm learning to ask for help.

As I said,I'm not a doctor nor an expert in the field..but..if you feel like I feel..please..talk to someone. A friend,a relative..a teacher.

Or..if you don't want to talk because you don't want to bother or you can't talk..write down everything that goes through your mind..just to let it all out. No one has to read what you wrote. It's for you and for you only.

You can cancel everything after you've done writing..without even reading through it once.

Please don't isolate. You don't deserve pain. You don't deserve to be alone nor to suffer. Easier said than done,I know.

Once you ask for help..once you find a friend..once you realize someone is indeed there for you,once you realize that you're not alone..little by little everything becomes more bearable.

The sun will rise again..sooner or later.

I promise.

life

Falling. And getting up.

3:57 PM

I literally have been tripping and falling since I was 4,which is when I learned to walk.

I used to fall all the time.

And..little by little I started to learn how to get up.

It was difficult,my CP causes me to have balance issues and to walk in a funny way. But I got up. My way,but I did it.

I still do it. My way,with my time..but I do it. I get up when I fall.

I aced biology despite being sick.

I failed chemistry.

But I didn't cry like I thought I would have.

I'm just going to study better,differently(not really more because I think I'd go crazy) and I'll pass it.

By acing biology I proved to myself that I can do science.

That my brain still works and that I'm still a good student.

It might take me more time than most..but sooner or later I'll get into med school and be a medic and eventually a doctor.

I get mad at myself because my brain understands biology and foreign languages better than math or chem problems.

I start doubting myself,I start loosing faith in my dreams and I start feeling insignificant,stupid..not enough.

I used to fall a lot when I was little.

I still fall..both physically speaking and academically speaking. I fell today.

But guess what?

I got up. And I'll try to do the same everytime I'll fall again in the future.

I'll get up..instead of giving up.

I got up today. I'll keep getting up.

CP doesn't have me..I have it. All those people who don't think I can make it..they don't have the power to break me.

I got up. I'll get up.

Giving up is not an option.

mental health

Stop

7:37 AM

Stop.

I want all of this to stop.

I don't want to be anxious and depressed anymore.

I don't want to keep having wonderful people taking care of me.

I don't want to make those said people sick of me.

I want my blog posts to be nice and to inspire people.

I live on a thread.

I'm so scared of losing people I'm friends with because I went wrong with something unknown to me and they got mad,walked away and abandoned me.

It has been happening since I started school..since I was 6.

People never wanted to be with me. The only thing I wanted was a friend.

I got traumatized by all of these being left alone that I started thinking of myself as a burden and a bother.

I think disabled people often think like this of themselves.

Even though now I have my walker..sometimes I still feel like a burden,a bother,a mistake..a waste of space.

Yes..I'm whining. I know.

I hope it'll get better.

mental health

Rambling

6:54 AM

In the beginning,I wanted to write a happy blog post because a dear friend of mine cheered me up this morning with a long chat..and I've been feeling relatively happy until now.

But then once again I started feeling little and insignificant and pathetic.

There is so much desire to help others in my heart.

Simply because it makes me feel good. I feel like I found my place in the world when I help someone.

I wanted to write a blog post about my CP..I've been wanting to write one for a while now.

But then I think it wouldn't help anyone. I'm no doctor. I had my walker for one year only.

I'm not inspirational at all. I might put this all thing down.

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ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

It's me we're talking about

Am I a control freak?

Let's talk about it.

Falling. And getting up.

Stop

Rambling

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