I was having a good time..studying genetics from my textbook and loving every bit of it.
Then it hit me.
I started worrying about stupid paperwork- like stuff for uni I haven't taken care of yet because every time I try to take my laptop and open that stupid glitchy uni website..I just become so scared and anxious that I start shaking from top to toe and crying my eyes out.
I have no idea why. It just scares me to death.
I am afraid of making a silly mistake and lock myself out or cancel everything or stuff like that. I'm afraid of being scolded and being called stupid and dumb.
Everytime I make a mistake..it acts like super food to my monster-brain.
Once it has been fed..my brain goes crazy and it begins acting like a monster to me..by telling me all sort of bad things.. By making me cry and shake like a leaf...by making me hate everything I was loving a minute earlier( in fact,I had to close my genetics textbook shut and to walk away. And I still want to throw "So many Everests"straight into the fire,and to delete all my drafts for the chapters from my phone. I cried on the Italian version of "For the first time in forever" because it was umbearable for me to listen to at the moment).
Here are some stuff my brain is telling me right now:
"You suck. You're horrible.
You're the clumsiest person on the face of this planet. No one loves you..not even your parents or your puppy,even!
You will never be a doctor*evil laugh* because you are wrong for that job and you will never be enough..no matter what you do...no matter how much you love medicine.
You don't have friends..you will never have any.
No one likes you. People are kind to you just because they pity you. People pity you.
You are the most stupid,unworthy person ever.
You are 20 years old..for heaven's sake,would you stop dreaming?
You can't live out of dreams..mum told you,remember?
Hope doesn't exist..it's crap. Life sucks and will suck forever.
Suck it up,and,for heaven's sake,stop bothering.
She was right..being a doctor isn't realistic for you.
For heaven's sake..you need to stop writing that stupid crappy stuff..you're no longer 12,dear.
You will never have any bit of what you want because...news flash,you are you! And you suck.
Did you look at yourself in the mirror lately? You're ugly..nobody will ever want to date you,let alone marry you.
All your "friends" are perfect..you suck. All your "friends" have a boyfriend..you've never had one..doesn't that tell you anything about yourself?
You cheer up about stupid achievements like closing a plastic bag with a knot or braiding 3 strings...or peeling an apple. God,you are so pathetic.
You freak out about tiny things..everywhere you go,you get lost. You are afraid of getting trapped in elevators.
You are pathetic and horrible.
You are so stupid..and you write stupid fantasies.
You are so stupid.
You will never write that happy final scene because it's right for your silly little bubble to be full of sadness. It's how it has to be..it's more realistic than those stupid happy scenes you enjoyed writing years ago. Remember? You used to browse the Merck Manual for hours and hours in the summer nights because you had to do your stupid medical research for your stupid chapter.
And you used to lose the track of time while browsing through this or that coagulation disorder because it mesmerized you.
How pathetic.
You are stupid and dreams are crap. "
