ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...: life

Don't let it destroy you. Let it empower you.

2:03 AM

Who knows me knows I'm a writer.

I started writing original stories when I was 12..so it's gonna be 10 years soon..ahhh.

I've been thinking about why I started writing about Liz (aka my protagonist. She's a pediatric benign hematologist who trained in Boston and moved back home to Southern California after her husband passed. She has 3 kids. In the past she has suffered from depression and anxiety and one of her biggest passion and commitments is to advocate for children's mental health).

I've come to the conclusion that I did that to deal with feelings of loneliness and self loathing that started haunting me when I was in junior high.

The other kids were mean to me.

They treated me like a burden and a bother because of my CP.

I was always on my own and would make people copy my homework to earn their love.

As the time went by,I got more and more convinced I was someone worth hating. That there was something inside me that pushed people away.

I started hating myself.

So I thought I would create a better version of myself.

Someone who represented everything I wanted to become and more.

That's who Liz is.

To my dismay when I am stressed or down I get angry at myself because I am not "her" yet.

When I find myself slipping into this stupid self pity thing,I try to stop and think rationally.

Here is what I try to tell myself.

- I cannot be the adult super cool version of her yet.

I'm 22.

-She struggled too. I write openly about both her struggles and my own,in order to deal with them.

Struggling is normal.

-Not even her(aka the person I wanna become) is always perfect or beautiful or always has everything together.

So why the heck should I be?

-I created her starting from a mix of who I was and who I want to become.

I am not exactly her yet. That's okay.

Strive for progress,not perfection.

Cherish every little accomplishment,every little tiny baby step.

One way or another..it will be worth it.

Now I wanna tell you something. Whether you are a writer or just someone with big goals and dreams,whether you are a pre med,a doctor,a pre law student,an athlete..a person with a big project for his or her life..listen up.

If you too have an "Elizabeth" (aka the future version of yourself you're striving to become. I gave her a name because I happen to like writing. Yours might not have a name,or might just be called like you..it's you after all!) in your life,that's okay.

That's great.

It helps to have precise goals for your life.

But please..never get angry at yourself because you're not that person yet.

Please never hate yourself because you're not there yet.

Please let that person empower you.

Don't let it destroy you.

guest post

Anything is possible: Meet Eleonora! (FIRST GUEST POST!!)

1:08 AM

Hello,friends!

Today I'm thrilled to share with you my very first guest post. It's from Eleonora,a friend of mine to whom I look up.

I met her through Instagram and we became friends.

She's one of the most positive and passionate people I know.

If you wanna know more about her,her social media are below.

Without further ado,I'll leave you to her amazing post.

************************************************************************************

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. “

Vincent Van Gogh

Hello, fellow Earthlings.

My name is Eleonora (or,for all space friends here, simply Cosmoeleonora), I am Italian and I am a mom. My dream is not becoming an astronaut or a scientist as the majority of you could think. Not anymore, at least. To be honest, I am probably too old to pursue a degree and find a job in these fields. Despite this I am a space fool and I would love you to begin your journey of seeking and discovering the cosmos with me.

I have started getting involved in space stuff since childhood. I used to watch all sci-fi movies and tv series about with far- distant worlds and multi universes. By the way, I am a Star Trek fan, how about you?

I have recently begun studying all astronomical issues from exoplanets to nebulae , blackholes galaxies..you name it.

I don’t yet own a telescope ( but I will get myself one soon and share my exciting discoveries with you, don’ t doubt about that!;) )but I spend my spare outside looking up at the universe and taking random shots at the Moon and planets with my phone.

I love and cherish every minute of the time I spend doing these said things.

One of my biggest dreams is teaching, motivating and sharing my love for space with people all – with special attention to the youngsters.

By doing so,I hope to help people to look at life differently: with humility and curiosity but also with courage.

The courage of those who believe in their dreams,are determined and don’t give up.

How do I do all this?

Well..to start with, I love to post and share what I learned -and are currently learning through my readings and research- on my social media, in a simple but passionate way.

For this reason,I have created a fb page about all things astronomy ( check under my photo below for info), a brand new youtube channel and an Instagram profile,on which people can follow me and see what I’m up to.

I see this as a way of keeping track of all I learn, while telling readers about the nighty sky and everything astronomy.

The space is really something incredibile.

I think it’s important for people to try and be more aware of this.

You see.. we all are always busy with routine life, problems and duties that,more often than not,lead us to be stressed and generally.

If you find yourself in this situation, my suggestion to you is this : stop for a moment and look up.

You will discover a second reality above your heads.

Those bright dots you see in the sky will no longer be simple dots, but a door through which science and imagination will lead you where no man has been to before.

So, If you’re interested, I hope you tag along my journey through the stars. Come on, let’s fly!

About me.

I remember when I was a little girl, I had dreams like every child on Earth. And yes, I too had my fair share of days where i jumped all over the house, saying : “ Mum, I will be an astronaut! I will be an astronaut”.

As far as I can remember,one of my biggest dreams was to fly over to the Moon

Growing up, new interests and perhaps more realistic hobbies kept my soul on fire.

However, that sense of wonder about those brilliant dots in the sky, all thousand questions about the universe came back to my mind in a particular period of my life.

It was a summer night . I couldn’ t sleep.

My life was not going as I had dreamt of. I had just got separated and in addition to it, I was suffering due to other personal issues. I felt discouraged. I went out to the balcony and looked up, trying to find a soothing remedy in something outside of me.

And in that very precise moment I magically realized that time was not there anymore.

My problems did trouble me nomore.

Right there I was staring into the heart of infinity and all my sadness seemed dwarfed. It made me feel like crying, yet smiling at the same time. That night I figured out what my dream really was and became aware that I had to do all I possibly could to share with other people what I was feeling right then

Pursuing this is not an easy task, guys. I know that.

I may spend a lot of my days in awe at the beauty of the universe, but I spend probably an equal amount of time in frustration and distress knowing that not everybody will follow me. On the contrary some people probably laugh at my timewasting hobby.

However, I don’t give up on my dream. When I fall,I pull myself up again.

No, I’m not them. I am me and I feel reassured when I go back outside to look at the stars.

Pursuing what you love might make you feel you defeated,yes. But it’s the moment you decide to not let your fears defy you…that’s when you’re reminded of why you are pursuing it in the first place. That’s when your goal becomes beautiful again.

I often think back to myself as a young girl, excited to become an astronaut.

It’s funny how times change. But I also sometimes wonder about how different my life would be if I wasn’t interested in astronomy.

The future is uncertain, but if you have something to set your dreams and aspirations on, life becomes this beautiful and amazing thing.

One thing is for certain: looking differently at the night sky has changed who I am, and what I stand for. It may sound cheesy, but it’s an incredible feeling trying to understand the vastness of space. There is a whole universe to discover. Anything is possible. Seeing the universe in its raw beauty is almost magical. I plan on always dreaming big: for even if I don’t land on the Moon or Mars or beyond, I will have landed among the stars.

life

Instead of saying...(free flow of thoughts)

3:41 PM

Ahhhh..long time no blogging,guys!

Life has been pretty..well..I won't say hectic,but I sure am really stressed right now.

(Proof of this is how horrible my skin looks right now..~~pimples galore!~~..really bad!)

You see..I'm re taking ochem and physics and I am still in the process of figuring out how I study best for those.

And that,believe me,is stressing me out way more that the actual studying is.

Yes,lame.

I'm realising that one of the most difficult things about college/uni/higher education is understanding how you study best(and by this I mean how you retain and understand information! I'm not talking grades here. Grades DO NOT define you.) for x,y,z subjects.

The way you study for pathology might be difficult from the way you study for orgo.

And the way your "perfect classmate who makes As everytime"studies might not work for you.

And that DOES NOT mean you are stupid or dumb.

It just means you're different and you learn differently from that person.

We are all different and THAT'S OKAY. That's normal.

Okay,now that I'm done with giving myself a pep talk(yes,you caught me! I need to tell myself those things every day),let's move on to something else.

This morning I realised I say "I hate biotech"(or "I hate being stuck here. I hate having CP"...) way too many times.

And that's not good.

Yes,biotech has never been part of "my plans".

Yes,3 years ago I would have never thought I would have ended up here.

Yes,it's not my favourite and I don't have a passion for every class I have to take( e.g. I loved pathology and med chem and physiology. I struggled with molecular biology and I still can't believe I passed it with low grade A the second time I took it) but,let's face it..even in med school there are gonna be "yay!"classes and "so-so" classes and "uhhh,this is torture!" classes,I'm sure.

It's just how it is.

You can't have the rainbow without a little rain,right?

And if something doesn't challenge you,it won't change you,right?

So..from today,I will try not to say "I hate biotech" or "I hate this,this and this" or "Oh,if only I were there instead of here. If only I were/had this or that..."

INSTEAD I will try to say:

"Biotech has never been part of my plans but I can learn so much from it,both school wise and experience wise. So I will try to embrace it and get the most out of it instead of hating it."

"I do feel like I should have moved out by now and I hate CP because it has made me live in a bubble my whole life and now I feel so behind.

I'm not as stuck as I think I am, though.

I have gone on a trip on my own. I have passed 10 (might be more,don't wanna count them) college level science classes.

I have learned to walked in flip flops.

I am able to cook my own food and I have discovered a passion for baking.

I have lost nearly 40 pounds and walked a lot more than I thought I could.

I am now able to wear rings and knee lenght boots for the first time in my life!!(whaat?).

I wore shorts this summer. SHORTS! ME!

So no..I'm not as stuck as I think I am. I've made a lot of progress and I have grown.

Therefore..I should not feel that bad about "being stuck" because I'm not actually in the same place I was 3 years ago. I have grown a lot."

life

About "embracing the glorious mess that you are.."

12:35 AM

It's okay not to be perfect.

Just do your best each and every day.

Now..I'll tell you something really silly.

As many of you know,I love writing and I've been writing about my protagonist(Liz)for almost 10 years now(jeez..I'm old!!). When I first created her I made it so she was everything I wanted to be in life when I was older. And I don't mean "just" a doctor,a wife and a mum.

Way more than that.

I made her kind,sweet,soft-spoken,relatively fit,good with people and kids,relatively pretty.

To the 12 year old me she was "perfect" and represented my "goal" to reach in life.

She still does.

But..as I grew up and she grew up and developed with me,despite still representing my goals,she stopped being "perfect". In fact,without noticing,I started making it so she was more similar to a real person(maybe that person was me..whoops)rather than the result of my life goals mixed together into a character.

She started having flaws and imperfections. She started struggling.

She started getting mad from time to time and losing her mind.

She struggled in school and believed she wasn't enough to become a doctor.

To my dismay,she too started struggling with mental illness(depression and anxiety.)..so that I myself could cope with my own.

She became a real person.

I ditched the "perfect" idea I had of her and made it so she embraced "the glorious mess that she was"...and to be honest,that's helping me to do the same with myself.

life

Why is it called "According to my own clock?"

12:12 PM

"According to my own clock": the idea behind it.
When I decided to relaunch my blog and make it so it would feature every aspect of my life,I thought a lot about what its new name should be.
The "perfect" name for it popped in my mind right away.
I would have called it " EMY DOES LIFE " exactly like my IG and Twitter handle.
It features my journey through life after all.
But still..even though it seemed perfect and fitting..there was something not quite alright about it.
So..I kept thinking about possible names for a good hour or more..until I came across a quote on Instagram.

It was full of truth and just reading it calms me down every time.
Here is what it says:

"I know people who graduated college at 21, and didn't get a salary job until they were 27. I know people who graduated at 25 and already had a salary job. I know people who have children and are single. I know people who are married and had to wait 8-10 years to be parents. I know people who are in a relationship and love someone else. I know people who love each other and aren't together. There are people waiting to love and be loved. My point is, everything in life happens according to our time, our clock. You may look at your friends and some may seem to be ahead or behind you, but they're not. They're living according to the pace of their clock, so be patient. You're not falling behind, it's just not your time." - Julissa Loaiza
Since not getting into med school and starting biotech 2 years ago..I've been feeling terribly behind,not just academically speaking(I am behind in that department,sadly) but generally speaking.

To this day I still don't have my driving license(I'm able to drive a normal car..it's a paperwork issue..it's as though they've never meet someone with CP wanting to learn how to drive! I feel like an alien or something!),I've never been in a relationship(not that I'm particularly worried about that. You can't force love. When it comes,it comes.),I've never had a part time job(I won a pretty big scholarship though and was able to buy my family presents with my very own money. That was exciting!)..nor have done anything "you're supposed to do" in your teens.
I spent my teenage years locked up in my bedroom studying because "if you do really well in school,then you have more chances of getting into med school" and because it was my duty and my job.
Then I burned out,didn't make it to Med School and got depressed..having missed out on so many things.

Now I'm in biotech..and even though I'm trying my best,most of my professors and classmates are awesome and I know I'm where I should be..I can't fall in love with it. I'm studying and trying but tiny things scare me and my GPA sucks.
Comparison is lurking more than ever and it still makes me feel like crap most of the time.

I feel selfish and horrible because I still love medicine and I still want to be a doctor.
Some days I feel so positive and ready for med school,some days my goals seem far and unrealistic.
Some days I look at my shadow or at my walker and I get this urge to cry for hours.
Some days bad things I've been told keep echoing in my head and drive me crazy.
Some days I loathe myself.
Some days,like today,I pray I manage to send a friend recordings via Dropbox because "she's so perfect" and I don't want to see her unless it's strictly necessarily .
Some days I want to take my MCAT question bank off the shelf and do some practice questions but then I start feeling sad and let it go.
Same goes for my cheap blue stethoscope.
Some days I get overwhelmed by stuff and school and the future.
Some days I hate medical students,just because I wanna be in their shoes.

"Look at x,she graduated at 21 and married at 30 and did this,this and this. She's awesome. There's NO WAY I will be able to do what she did in that time frame therefore I suck so bad".
Tears to follow.
Comparison can really ruin your life.

But..as the quote says..people are different and do things differently.
In different ways and taking their time.
According to their own clock.

That's what I'll try to do with my blog.
Documenting my journey through life.
According to my own clock.

life

Relaxing snow day recap!

3:23 PM

Hello friends!
So this morning I slept in,mostly because my bed was so warm and I didn't want to leave it.
I also had an an anxiety attack over school but..well,let's forget about it,shall we?
Anyway..my growling stomach forced me out on my warm bed.
I had planned to have toast with peanut butter,banana and honey for breakfast.
Clean and delicious,right?
Mmmm..I was so looking forward to it.
But then I walked into the kitchen and saw my cousin had bought Nutella croissants.
And..who was I to say no to those?
One croissant never killed anyone,right?
I also made myself a cinnamon latte with espresso and a lot of foam.
Mmmm..it was just what I needed on a super cold day.
When I want a comforting drink,my homemade cinnamon latte is my go to.
It never fails to make me feel better.
It's so creamy and warm and cinnamon-y. It tastes like it's decadent but it's healthy because it's made with skim milk(or non dairy milk) and no sugar.
I'll share with you how I make it in another post if you want.
Anyways..I had a Nutella croissant with a cinnamon latte on the side.
Ahhhh..it was so yummy.
Every once in a while you just need that chocolate fix,you know?

Anyways..while I was eating my yummy breakfast,I saw that it was snowing outside.
Everything was covered with snow..it looked so magical.
I've never seen that much snow in my entire life..it never snows where I live. Like..ever.
After spending some time looking at the snow falling,I removed myself from the window and went to my room.
I got my calming fairy lights on,filled my favourite water bottle with water and prepared to get some studying done.
Since I had my laptop in front of me,I figured I would complete a task I've been putting off for a while now: check the dates available to sit my exams.
I don't know why but my university website portal has always filled me with dread..and every time it takes me some time to convince myself to check it.
Yeah..anxiety is bad.
But the portal doesn't scare me as much as it did 2 years ago..so it will scare me less and less each time until it won't scare me anymore.
It's all about baby steps,right?
After checking the options,I sort of made a schedule and then I started studying.

But my mum called me because it was time to.. *drum roll* go outside and play in the snow!!
My garden was all covered in soft,white snow.
I had never seen that much snow in my life..it felt like a dream.
We took pictures of that wonderful winter wonderland, walked around(my walker worked even in the snow! ) and had a snowball fight.
My hands froze but it was totally worth it.
I had so so much fun!
Seriously..look how amazing it was!
Pretty dreamy looking,uh?
It looked and felt like a fairytale.

After that we had lunch(lots of veggies!!) and then we bundled up in front of the fireplace and watched funny movies(Checco Zalone rules!) while eating snow drizzled with maple syrup( it's delicious! Have you ever tried it?) and now we're about to have homemade pizza for dinner.

And do you know what the best part is?
It should snow again tomorrow and that means my cousin is gonna stay with us for another day.
He lives north(1000 km away from me)and I don't see him that often.
He works for the Red Cross and he's one of my biggest supporters when it comes to my goal of becoming a doctor.
He gave me a stethoscope for me to practice taking blood pressure manually.
He gifted me freedom in the form of my walker.
He showed me I could drive.
As I said..he's one of my biggest supporters.

Yesterday he surprised us and brought me one of the party favours he and his team gave away at a Red Cross party.

It's a tiny handmade wooden toy ambulance on tiny wheels. Isn't that the cutest?
He brought two of them..one for my family and another just for me.
I'll keep it on my desk..for it to act as motivation for me to achieve my goal of becoming a physician.

All in all,it was a great relaxing day.

Do you like snow?
Does it snow often where you live?
What's your favourite comfort drink to have on a cold morning?

life

It's Christmas! And a cookie recipe!

10:34 AM

Hello,friends!
Long time no blogging!
Thanksgiving in the US was last Thursday and even though I(unfortunately)am not from the US therefore don't celebrate,I have only one thing on my mind right now: Christmas!!

This year I really wanna enjoy Christmas to the max,like I've always written in my stories but actually never done before.
I wanna shower my loved ones and my friends with love and presents,decorate the house,take care of each and every little detail and just try to enjoy every moment!
I decided I will go to the Midnight Mass this year as well since I haven't been able to go in a while.
I also have my Christmas outfit picked out..and praying they put on sale the shoes I decided to wear under it.
Any girl with CP knows that finding a pair of shoes that are both cute and CP friendly can be hard so..I'm really hoping they go on sale.
I usually am not this picky with outfits or shoes but I wanna look cute for once,even if it's just to spend Christmas Day at home with my family.

Well..besides the boring girl talk up there,my mind is all set on Christmas right now.
I just want to decorate the house,buy people presents(either in person or online..God bless Amazon!
Speaking of which,is anyone out there in love with the Amazon delivery guy?
Just me? Okay)..play Christmas carols (Andrea Bocelli's are my favourites) and sing to them,write Christmas scenes,wrap Christmas presents(or rather,practice doing that! ) and..bake cookies!

Now..since starting a journey to the best and healthiest version of myself last May (more about this coming in the next post) I got closer to the kitchen and started cooking for myself.
By no means I am good at cooking or baking but now I can cook myself a nice healthy meal.
I also learned how to peel/cut fruit and veggies..something that I wasn't able to do before.
Yay to beating CP!

Last Sunday,I was in this Christmassy mood I told you about.
So I decided to face my previous fails induced fear of baking and to try out a simple sugar cookie recipe.
I told myself:
"I've been watching Laura Vitale's videos dutifully for 5 years now and know quite a bit of the theory behind baking( two of my characters are pastry chefs so...)..Laura makes it looks so easy..I should just go for it!"
So I did it.
And I just used a bowl,a spatula and a fork..no fancy mixers.
In fact:
1. The blender/food processor I use is broken and mum's is too complicated and heavy for me.
2. I want to learn how to do things "the old fashioned way" before using mixers/fancy equipment. I need to have the basics down first.
3. I count mixing by hand/kneading as a nice arm workout. And working out equals more cookies later!!
I followed the recipe to the letter,adding some ground cinnamon to it to make it taste Christmassy( I LOVE cinnamon!).
I got mad and frustrated at some point though because I couldn't make cute cut out cookies..they would get misshaped as soon as I tried to lift them up to put them on the cookie sheet.
Fine work is not for me!
After trying to make cute shaped cookies for a bit with not success,I gave up and just took little bits of dough,rolled them into little balls and put them on the cookie sheet.
I then pressed on them lightly with a fork dipped in flour,to make a bit of a pattern on them.
And off into the oven they went.

When I saw that they were rising and baking nicely in the oven,I actually thought they would taste good for once.
I was just so excited.

So I took the other half of the dough from the fridge and divided it in two.
To one half I kneaded in some cocoa powder and added some crushed hazelnuts and some more cinnamon.
To the other I added oats,dried cranberries and hazelnuts.
I formed that dough into cookies as well and off to the oven they went.

When I saw those too were baking nicely,I was just so happy!
Then my family ate them and told me they were good..and I almost cried.
But the best part was that my brother,who's not into sweets,ate more than one and told me he loved them!

Two days ago,he asked me to make the plain cinnamon cookies again.
So yesterday I got to work and made them.
Same exact recipe,same exact method.
I just rolled some cookie dough balls in cinnamon sugar and some into powdered sugar to make them snickerdoodle like and crinkle cookie like respectively.
Guess what?
They came out better than the first time!
So soft and buttery they melted in your mouth..yum!
My brother ate all the plain cinnamon ones,two or three at a time!
A miracle!
When he came home from school yesterday and saw the cookies he barely let me take a picture..he wanted to dig in right away!
And when my mum asked him what he wanted to eat as a snack before going out with his friends yesterday afternoon he enthusiastically said: "cookies!".
Unbelievable.
I can't describe how happy I am when I see him happily munching on the cookies I made.
My mum loved the snickerdoodle ones and the crinkle ones and ordered me some more.

Long story short my family polished off all the cookies I made yesterday and now our cake stand is empty..such a sad sight.

Anyways..I'll leave you the recipe down below if you wanna try to make the cookies yourself.

Off to bake some more cookies I go now..so my brother can have them for breakfast tomorrow!

Do you like Christmas?
Do you like cooking/baking?
What are your favourite cookie recipes?

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SUPER EASY SUGAR COOKIES

ORIGINAL RECIPE HERE (in Italian): http://www.misya.info/ricetta/biscotti-al-burro.htm

Makes about 25 cookies

• 1 + 2/3 cups (200g) all purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• A pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup(100g) granulated sugar
• 1/4 cup+ 2 tbsp(90 g) unsalted butter
• 1 egg
• Vanilla extract
• Ground cinnamon(if desired)
• Confectioner sugar /cinnamon sugar for coating(if desired)

***************************************

METHOD

1. Place butter and sugar in a bowl and mix together (using either a spatula and a whisk or a standing mixer) until they're nicely combined.
2. Add the egg and mix well.
3. Add the vanilla extract.
4. Mix flour,baking powder,salt and ground cinnamon(if using that) together briefly with a spoon.
5. Add the dry ingredients to the wet either little by little or all at once(I find it doesn't make any difference) and mix until a dough forms.
6. Take the dough out of the bowl,wrap it in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge to rest for 30 minutes
7. Put on some Christmas music and dance around the house singing out of your lungs while the dough is chilling.(This step is crucial to make yummy cookies!! )
8. Preheat the oven to 180 C or 350 F
9. Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper or a silicone mat (*My cookie sheets are on the smaller side so I put 12 cookies on each one..if yours are bigger you might get away with using one cookie sheet only but I do advice you to use 2 because the cookies spread a bit during baking)
10. Get the dough out of the fridge.
11. Now..here is where the options come in:
You can either:
-take little bits of dough at a time,roll into little balls and put them on the cookie sheet,making sure you leave some space between them.
-roll out the dough and cut shapes out of it to make cut out cookies. Make sure to leave some space between the cookies when placing them on the cookie sheets.

12 TIP 1 :If you went with the first option you can roll the little balls into cinnamon sugar(granulated sugar+ground cinnamon mixed together) or confectioner sugar before placing them on the cookie sheets.
TIP 2: If you don't want to coat the balls of dough into the sugar but still want the cookies to look extra cute,slightly press on them with a fork dipped in flour before baking.

13 Bake the cookies for 10 to 15 minutes or until they get slightly golden on the top and are done on the bottom.
14 Let them cool slightly on the cookie sheets.(If you can wait that long!)
15 Make yourself some hot chocolate/hot drink of your choice to dip them in.
16. Enjoy!!

NOTES

~If you want you can turn these cookies into chocolate cookies by adding cocoa powder to the dry ingredients. Make sure to sift the cocoa powder first though.

~You can add everything you want to the dough..nuts,coconut,chocolate chips,dried fruit,orange or lemon peel...

~If you want you can mix confectioners sugar and water(or orange/lemon juice) together until you get icing and spread it on the cooled cookies.
You can then add sprinkles of top of them to make them extra cute!

~To have warm "just out of the oven" cookies whenever you want,just pop them in the microwave for 15 to 30 seconds.

And now.... PICTURES!!!

From the outside to the inside: plain cinnamon,cocoa hazelnut and oat cranberry sugar cookies

From the outside to the inside: plain cinnamon,snickerdoodle like and crinkle like sugar cookies...

life

Talks. And feeling a bit better.

11:31 PM

I had a couple of very good days..although I've been feeling very sleepy all the time and I couldn't do much revision.

Today I really need to revise a lot and I'm kinda looking forward to it.

This week has been quite productive...on the non revision side of things,at least.

Of course I felt down last Tuesday..but I was prepared. I've just tried to keep myself as busy as possible,so that would be less painful,I guess.

I did some revision,a lot of chores(I found out I love doing laundry!),I finally sent out some packages(yay!) and I finally conquered my fears and anxieties and got some uni related stuff done.

Yes,it's lame..but going on my uni's website makes me super anxious,I have no idea why.

I also broke down on Friday afternoon..cried for a good hour and told my mum everything or almost everything

I told her about how I feel,about what my silly brain tells me from time to time,about how I don't like uni that much..about peer pressure and,most importantly,about how much I love medicine and I want to do that in life.

Surprisingly,I found out she wasn't mad about it a couple of days ago. Apparently,she was worried about me.

I told her why I decided not to apply this year and how difficult has been for me to take such decision.

And how difficult has been for me to find out that I could have done a lot better than last time on that stupid admission test.

I told her that sometimes my brain tells me that I am "just me",I'm stupid and worthless and I can't do anything because I feel like I am never "enough".

I told her I knew that everyone has those feelings sometimes and that self doubt is human...but I feel like they crash me and play with me in any way they want..because sometimes I have absolutely no control over them.

I told her sometimes it's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because I feel like there's no point. Because I lost hope and I'm sick.

I told her I've never talked to her about it before because I didn't want her to worry.

She told me I am amazing and caring and that I can do whatever I want.

She told me to try and get my degree even though I don't like it. I can and I will apply again to med school next year of after I graduate.

She also told me I can move to England after I graduate..so..whooohoo.

I don't really know if or how I'll do it but..I think the UK is definitely in my future..if not for moving there(and hopefully doing medicine there,maybe? *dreams*) at least for a long vacation.

I'm British at heart after all!

After we talked I felt a lot lot better. I actually couldn't stop dancing!

Today I feel more confident.

I feel like I actually have a chance and can become a doctor and do what I love.

I actually could write a happy-ish scene later. Because,let's say it, grey sad Liz is truly no fun.

I have a couple of ideas in mind and I think I finally picked out a name for the new character. But that's gonna be a secret until I write the "last" scene..that I'll probably publish on here if I can.

Soon I'll do the Starlight Award thing..I'm finally feeling up to it,I think. Thank you,Kate..for thinking about me. You're amazing.

I might blog more often..who cares if my English isn't perfect? ;)

After all..this has to be mostly for me,right? ;)

life

Falling. And getting up.

3:57 PM

I literally have been tripping and falling since I was 4,which is when I learned to walk.

I used to fall all the time.

And..little by little I started to learn how to get up.

It was difficult,my CP causes me to have balance issues and to walk in a funny way. But I got up. My way,but I did it.

I still do it. My way,with my time..but I do it. I get up when I fall.

I aced biology despite being sick.

I failed chemistry.

But I didn't cry like I thought I would have.

I'm just going to study better,differently(not really more because I think I'd go crazy) and I'll pass it.

By acing biology I proved to myself that I can do science.

That my brain still works and that I'm still a good student.

It might take me more time than most..but sooner or later I'll get into med school and be a medic and eventually a doctor.

I get mad at myself because my brain understands biology and foreign languages better than math or chem problems.

I start doubting myself,I start loosing faith in my dreams and I start feeling insignificant,stupid..not enough.

I used to fall a lot when I was little.

I still fall..both physically speaking and academically speaking. I fell today.

But guess what?

I got up. And I'll try to do the same everytime I'll fall again in the future.

I'll get up..instead of giving up.

I got up today. I'll keep getting up.

CP doesn't have me..I have it. All those people who don't think I can make it..they don't have the power to break me.

I got up. I'll get up.

Giving up is not an option.

life

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

11:56 AM

Last week, we have repainted the walls of the whole house so I had to take off my bedroom's walls all the posters I had put up there with a friend 10 years ago.

Seeing those walls white is weird.

It's kinda depressing.

I'm planning on putting inspiring stickers on them. I'm just not used to see them white.

They make me realize I've grown up from a kid into a girl who's now slowly turning into a woman.

I ..realize I've grown up when I no longer see Greek books and dictionaries on my shelves..which are now loaded with chemistry books and question banks for the admission test to med school.

I realize I've grown up when I see that now my bookshelves are full with memoirs of famous doctors. ..the other books I used to read years ago have been relocated to the back of the shelves because I don't read them that much anymore.

Most of all..I realize I've grown up when I read old chapters of my story I wrote years ago and I think: "Holy moly...did I really write this? Jeez..I'm old!".

I realize I've grown up when I find myself thinking one day I'd love to get married and have kids..whose names I might have been thinking of already.

I realize I've grown up when I think about med school and the career I chose to go into and..I found myself being excited but also really scared a about a lot of things.

I realize I've grown up when I realize the protagonist of my story (which represents who I want to be)and I aren't that different anymore.

I realize I've grown up when I close my eyes and I actually can see myself as a doctor.. white coat,stethoscope and all.

On the other hand..I realize I'm the same as 2,4,even 5 years ago when I see my old stuffed animals laying on my bed.

When I write happy scenes where my protagonist is living the perfect life I'd love to have.

When I cry and stress out about what people think. When I get super mad about not being able of doing something.

When I think about what I've been told and I'm afraid those people were right.

When I get sad because I can't stand on my feet for a lot of time because of my CP.

When I accidentally spill some liquid on the floor while walking..due to my CP.

When I feel like I'm a waste of space.

When..no matter what I do,my hair looks terrible and my glasses are always dirty(no matter how much I wash or clean them..it's frustrating!).

When I start feeling like I'm an horrible person on so many levels and I start thinking no one ever will want to be my friend for a long time because of a reason unknown to me.

And..so yes... " I'm not a girl,not yet a woman".*

* The title of the blog post is actually the title of a song by Britney Spears called "I'm not a girl,not yet a woman"

life

I'll do my very best

6:48 AM

About 3 weeks ago, I went in for an eye doctor's appointment. I was very excited about that because I hadn't had a eye doctor's appointment in a while and also because I couldn't wait to meet my new ophthalmologist. The appointment was on a Saturday,at around 7 30 PM. Before I started getting ready for it, I was so excited and also a little bit nervous. Thankfully I talked with a dear friend of mine, with whom I shared my excitement and nervousness. After we finished talking, I felt a lot better- it's just so good to have friends who share the same passions as you! Then, I got ready and my mum and I drove to the appointment. We took my walker with us as well, of course! I can't live without it!

After a 15 minute drive,we got to the doctor's office. What caught my attention first as soon as we got into the building was that it was just so...homey. The waiting room in particular instantly made me feel at ease. Seriously. At some point I felt like I was back home... in my own living room. There were two really comfy looking red couches, a little glass table and some chairs. On two walls there were several paintings; I think they were from Gaugin,or so they seemed to me. (I hope I'm right...after 3 years of Art History, it would be bad if I weren't!) On another wall there was a big poster about a research my doctor had performed as well as many framed diplomas she had been awarded of during her training and to be honest, as soon as I got in, the poster was what caught my eye first.

After less than 5 minutes of waiting,the doctor called my mum and I in. She smiled at us right away and she kindly told us to take a seat. Then she asked me why I was there and she started taking a history. I felt at ease with her... right away. She checked my retina and my eyes, acting calmly and precisely. She paid attention to my needs, to how I felt. She was also really friendly. For example, she asked me about school and about what school year I was in. When I told her I was in a biotech program, she told me she had a PhD in the subject and it fascinated me. However, after she finished checking on my retina and on my vision, she dilated my pupils with atropine eye drops, in order to check my eyes' fundi( note: according to the Latin I studied, this should be the plural for "fundus"Let me know if I am right). She also told me I had dry eyes and she explained what findings had lead her to that particular diagnosis...and it was so interesting! Then she wrote me a prescription for new glasses and fake tears, and she answered some questions my mum and I had. When we had to leave, I was sad.

Once we got home, I felt so inspired, so bubbly and happy. Truth is, the appointment and the doctor herself made me think. I loved everything about how my doctor acted with me. As I said, she had been kind, patient and most of all, she made me feel at ease,instantly. She talked to me directly, and she made me feel comfortable. I wasn't scared of talking to her,of asking her whatever I wanted to. With her, the invisible brick wall that seems to be present between me and my professors (for example) these days just wasn't there anymore. It felt amazing. I didn't feel like my questions were too dumb to ask or like I couldn't talk to her. I just felt at ease.

As I said earlier, all of this made me think. I've always wanted to become a doctor. In the past, I thought this goal of mine was impossible for me to reach and I tried so so hard to forget about it. To this day, I still cannot forget. Not a day goes by without me thinking about how much I love medicine and about how much I'd love to become a doctor. I decided I'll try my very best in order to eventually become a physician and make my dream come true. I'm not saying I'll make it. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. I'm just saying I want to try and give myself a chance. I want to fight for my dream. I want to become the best physician I can possibly be.

I want to be kind,sweet and fun. I want my patients to trust me. I want to be that doctor who takes the time to explain to a patient everything about his or her disease and about how to treat it. I don't want to be famous, or the head of the department. I just want to be the best physician I can possibly be. I want to be that doctor who sits at a patient's bedside to offer comfort.

Some of you may already know that for now my 2 favorite specialties are pediatrics and OB/GYN.

So, if I go into pediatrics, I want to be that doctor who has colored band aids and candies in her white coat pockets...at all times. I want to be that doctor who knows the name of this or that patient's favorite teddy bear. I want to be that doctor who plays with the kids.I want to make them understand that my walker isn't scary but it is in fact a very helpful and fun piece of equipment for me.

If I end up going into OB/GYN, I want to be that doctor who comforts a scared first time mum, taking the time to explain to her everything she wants to know about this or that. I want to be that doctor that understands her patient's fears and who is always there for her, whether she's complaining about heartburn or about something more serious. I want my patients to feel at ease with me- I want them to understand they can tell me everything. If I have a patient with an high risk pregnancy, I want to be that doctor who understands(or at least tries to understand) how she must be feeling. I want to be that doctor who's there for her patients, always.

I want to be able to show my patients (especially the little ones, if I go into pediatrics) that having a disability or a disease doesn't make a person a burden or a bother for others, and it doesn't mean that that particular person has to limit his/her aspirations or dreams. I just want to be the best doctor I can possibly be and the best version of myself I can possibly be. And no matter how difficult it's gonna be, I'll try my best. I still have a bumpy and long long road ahead of me, and,I would lie if I said it doesn't scare me. It does scare me. A lot. It scares me so so much. But..as I said...I'll try my very best.

Pages

ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

Don't let it destroy you. Let it empower you.

Anything is possible: Meet Eleonora! (FIRST GUEST POST!!)

Instead of saying...(free flow of thoughts)

About "embracing the glorious mess that you are.."

Why is it called "According to my own clock?"

Relaxing snow day recap!

It's Christmas! And a cookie recipe!

Talks. And feeling a bit better.

Falling. And getting up.

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

I'll do my very best

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