Yes,I know I should be reviewing because my physiology exam is in a week and I want and NEED to do super well on it. But first..I need to write this down.
Two days ago I was sitting at my laptop trying to review but my eyes were teary and burning and I wouldn't stop yawning..don't you hate when that happens?
So I decided I had to read something other than my study material in order to reactivate my brain. I stumbled into a PDF of a book I forgot I had in my laptop "Breaking Night" by Liz Murray. I finished re-reading before lunch today and it made me cry. It's so beautiful...check it out if you haven't.
Elizabeth "Liz" Murray was born in 1980 in New York from heroin and cocaine addicted parents who loved her but would do anything for some more drugs. She grew to protect them and help them in any way she could. She was especially close to her mother,Jeanie,who,on top of everything, was an alcoholic.
In the book,Liz goes through all her life from early age to when she's 18.
When she's about 17,Liz finds herself homeless because the old apartment she lived in with her parents got demolished,her dad lives in shelter and her mum and older sister,Lisa,live with a rather abusive and mean man,known simply as 'Brick' who initially was kind to Jeanie but then started treating her like garbage. Jeanie had always suffered from mental illness and was declared HIV positive when Liz was about 15.
After her mum died from AIDS,Liz realised she had to change what she could about the situation she was in..and that the only thing she could change was her education.
So she went back to school,completed 4 years of high school in 2 years and received a 12.000$/year scholarship for her to pay for college.
And on top of everything she got accepted to Harvard where she went for her undergraduate and graduate studies..eventually becoming a counsellor and motivational speaker.
Amazing,right?
I realised..when I read about Liz having this dream of going to High School and getting all As..going to college and graduating and making something good out of herself and her life..and knowing that she could at least TRY to do that..I realised I used to be exactly like her.
Driven. Determined. Hard working. Hopeful. But then..my last year of high school was so stressful and busy..I didn't get into med school and right before my final exams I fell in such deep depression and was so sad and exhausted I didn't want to get out of bed.
Then I graduated with high grades,won a scholarship and started feeling better...and looking at the future with a smile and hope. I applied to biotech and biology program,knowing that it wasn't what I wanted to do,but planning to drop out as soon as I got more independent and got into med school.
But then.. my grandpa passed away,people started paying money to get into med school at the point that there were so many people following lectures that they had to sit on the floors. Now..I could have paid for my admission with my very own money from the scholarship..I could have got into a med school that was 3 hours from home. But despite it being completely unethical for everyone but the people who had been involved in the all papers stealing thing, I knew overcrowded schools weren't the right thing for me. I knew I yet wasn't independent enough to go to med school and on top of everything else..biotech had damaged my self esteem,taking it from low to virtually non existent. I sat a long 3 part multiple choice exam and barely passed despite giving it my all..studying as much as I possibly could. From there..everything got even worse and went downhill. I started getting more and more anxious and depressed..loathing every little bit of my being.
When I saw that I had barely passed despite giving it my all..I thought "What else should I do? I gave it my all..I don't have anymore to give. I was used to get good grades if I worked really really hard like I did for this exam. I can't possibly work any harder. If I suck at this stupid biotech thing,I have no chances in Med School. I give up. I'm a freakin' failure. I just wanna sleep. And don't wake up anymore".
I was scared of sitting exams...I would postpone them and tell myself I would have done them "later" and then loathe myself even more because of that.
I still do this..even though I am trying my best,I seem not to have found what study method works for me or how can I get good grades,like my seemingly perfect classmates I can barely stand do. I'm still scared of tiny things and beyond stressed and although I sat more exams than last year and my grades were better than those this year..I still am nowhere I should be. As a former top student(I was one of the two people in my school district who were given a scholarship. And no. High School in Italy is not a walk in the park..I have pretty much the same knowledge a Ancient Literature college graduate would have,I checked ;) ) who worked her butt off everyday but was rewarded with good grades..seeing that working as hard as I can isn't enough anymore broke me. It made me scared and stole that little bit of self confidence I had from me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a bit jealous of my classmates who seem perfect(seem is the key word here) and study and get great grades..and are beautiful and confident. I maybe need to get closer to them and learn from them..but being around them makes me feel like a huge failure. Darn pride.
I know I have to think about my own path and don't give a monkeys about others' because I have my own goals and dreams and because I am me and not them. I know everyone takes his/her own time to accomplish things..I know I have my all life in front of me...for me to become a doctor and accomplish my goals. But sometimes it's so hard not to feel like a failure or under a lot of pressure.
In her book, Liz Murray writes that when she got her blank transcripts from her new high school, she thought of them as "a clean slate"..a symbol of hope and of the new life she was starting to build for herself. And then,pencil in hand, she filled them with rows of As..the As she knew she could take if she worked hard. The As she NEEDED to take..in order to come out of that dark hole life had put her into.
In her book she also writes,she often pictured a runner in her head. A runner who would run her own run which was full of obstacles to overcome and who would never give up until she got to the finish line. She herself was the runner. And the obstacles were..well,the obstacles she faced during her life changing journey. They were as simple as "I want to sleep all day,I'm tired and cold. Wait..I need to go to school though..that's more important than a few more minutes of sleep!".
I wish I could turn back time and be in first year again and have a "clean slate" as Liz calls it.
I can't do that.
But I can decide I'm worthy of fighting for my dreams.
I can decide to get up after I messed up.
I can decide to give school my best shot.
I can decide what kind of food to put into my body and be even healthier than I am now.
I can decide to adapt work outs to what I can do instead of getting angry at my CP because I can't do this or that move.
I can decide to do something for myself and get an higher English proficiency certificate I've been wanting to take for years. I will take it this year. It'll be my way to relax and hopefully my self esteem will benefit from it.
I can change some stuff about myself and about my situation.
I can choose to have my goals in mind every morning when I get up,like I did when I was in High School.
I can't turn back time and I can't change everything.
Liz also writes every day is a clean slate..every day is a chance for you to change.
My clean slate starts today.
I wrote for almost 2 hours..holy smokes. It felt so good but know I gotta go and do some serious review!
Those As won't write themselves,will they?
