ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...: May 2015

To be taken off in 10 minutes.

1:14 PM

I need to learn how to take care of myself.

I need to learn how to deal with my breakdowns/sad moments on my own. I am old enough to deal with my own problems.

I have to stop getting so attached to people because most likely I'll be left alone due to the fact that they don't care about me as much as I care about them.

I need to study extra hard..maybe my parents won't be so grossed out by the idea of me going to med school.

Can I actually make it through med school? I don't know.

I'm so scared by the fact that I'll die friendless.

mental health

I should..

8:25 AM

It' a gloomy Sunday afternoon and I'm in my room,at my desk,with my Chem book and a ton of notes in front of me.

I'm revising,doing my best and hoping I'll understand Chem a bit more and hopefully become decent at it.

I should do so so much more than what I manage to do every afternoon. I'd love to be able to stay up revising till 2 AM like I was able to do an year ago.

I should understand more stuff. I should get better grades. I should do more questions for the Admission Test to Med School I'll hopefully take in September..more than my usual 30 or 50 per Saturday or Friday afternoon(my weekly break from studying for exams).

I should stop leaning so much on my lovely Twitter friends..because they have a life of their own and I cannot force them to babysit me every time.

I should stop having 30 minutes long breakdowns in the library when I am at school.

I should be happy because I have the most amazing family I could ask for and I am in good health and I have everything I could ask for.

I should stop feeling like I am a failure just because I'm struggling so bad.

I should love my program because not many people got in...and I should be happy because I did.

I should stop writing because it's childish and a waste of time.

I should be brave and strong...and able to fight for what I want.

I should go back to my Chem book.

life

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

11:56 AM

Last week, we have repainted the walls of the whole house so I had to take off my bedroom's walls all the posters I had put up there with a friend 10 years ago.

Seeing those walls white is weird.

It's kinda depressing.

I'm planning on putting inspiring stickers on them. I'm just not used to see them white.

They make me realize I've grown up from a kid into a girl who's now slowly turning into a woman.

I ..realize I've grown up when I no longer see Greek books and dictionaries on my shelves..which are now loaded with chemistry books and question banks for the admission test to med school.

I realize I've grown up when I see that now my bookshelves are full with memoirs of famous doctors. ..the other books I used to read years ago have been relocated to the back of the shelves because I don't read them that much anymore.

Most of all..I realize I've grown up when I read old chapters of my story I wrote years ago and I think: "Holy moly...did I really write this? Jeez..I'm old!".

I realize I've grown up when I find myself thinking one day I'd love to get married and have kids..whose names I might have been thinking of already.

I realize I've grown up when I think about med school and the career I chose to go into and..I found myself being excited but also really scared a about a lot of things.

I realize I've grown up when I realize the protagonist of my story (which represents who I want to be)and I aren't that different anymore.

I realize I've grown up when I close my eyes and I actually can see myself as a doctor.. white coat,stethoscope and all.

On the other hand..I realize I'm the same as 2,4,even 5 years ago when I see my old stuffed animals laying on my bed.

When I write happy scenes where my protagonist is living the perfect life I'd love to have.

When I cry and stress out about what people think. When I get super mad about not being able of doing something.

When I think about what I've been told and I'm afraid those people were right.

When I get sad because I can't stand on my feet for a lot of time because of my CP.

When I accidentally spill some liquid on the floor while walking..due to my CP.

When I feel like I'm a waste of space.

When..no matter what I do,my hair looks terrible and my glasses are always dirty(no matter how much I wash or clean them..it's frustrating!).

When I start feeling like I'm an horrible person on so many levels and I start thinking no one ever will want to be my friend for a long time because of a reason unknown to me.

And..so yes... " I'm not a girl,not yet a woman".*

* The title of the blog post is actually the title of a song by Britney Spears called "I'm not a girl,not yet a woman"

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ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

To be taken off in 10 minutes.

I should..

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.*

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