As many of you know already,I'm a writer.
I wrote my first story when I was 10. I love love love writing. I don't think I'm good at that..but I enjoy it a lot and I cannot leave without it.
At first I wrote in my first language.
Now I write in English only with the excuse it will improve my knowledge of the language.
I don't like editing that much..and as I said,English is not my first language..so bear with me and please don't be too mean about my mistakes if you can.
Oh..a warning! As you know I love medicine and I want to become a doctor,so in my writing there will be bits and pieces of medical information.
I take my medical research for the chapters quite seriously..I try to read medical textbooks and magazines and to find real and trustworthy information.
But I'm not a doctor yet..so there might be some mistakes.
So bear with me on this too!
Without further ado.. I'll leave you some bits and pieces of the story. They'll make you meet the protagonist..uhm..quite literally!
Emma
I was about to drift off to sleep in my hospital bed.
Amy was sleeping on the couch in front of me and David had gone to take a coffee from the cafeteria.
The baby was sleeping in her bassinet,right next to me.
At that moment,David entered the room,with a huge bouquet of flowers in his hands. He came near me and he kissed me on my lips. -I love you so much.-he told me- So much. He gave me the flowers. -Thank you.-I smiled at him-They're beautiful. I kissed him on his lips again. -I'll go and find a vase to put the flowers in.He put the bouquet into a white vase on my nightstand. Then he sat at my bedside and he held my hand. -how are you?-he asked me-are you.. -I'm tired..-I smiled at him- but I've never been happier. He smiled at me. -Same here. Close your eyes. I chuckled. -What?-I asked-Why? -trust me. I did as told. -Open your eyes now. I opened my eyes and I saw a cup of ice-cream in my hands. -Vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce and toasted almonds on top. -he told me,with a smile. That was my absolute favorite ice-cream. -I love you.-I whispered. And I kissed him on his lips.-I love you so much. He kissed my forehead. -where can I find a blanket?-he asked me. I started eating my ice cream. -The nurse said there should be a blanket in that wardrobe there...-I answered-..why? He grabbed the blanket and he slowly covered Amelia with it. -It's getting a bit chilly..I don't want her to catch a cold. -I love you.- I smiled as he sat at my bedside. -I finally found that chocolate Amelia wanted..-he took 2 bars of white chocolate out from a grocery bag he had with him. -She's gonna be so happy about it. He smiled at me and he got closer to the baby. -And how is my princess? I looked at the baby myself. -she's perfect. She looks like an angel. -She really looks like it. And..- he took a little pink teddy bear from the bag -..she deserves a present because she was an angel during her routine check ups earlier. He put the bear near her. -so now you have a new friend,honey.-he whispered to her- I love you so much. I kept looking at the baby. She was sleeping so peacefully. -Who knows what she's dreaming..-I whispered with a smile in my voice. -I was thinking about something.. David looked at me- about what,honey? -about her..about how we should name her.. -Good point. At that moment the baby started crying. -She's probably hungry.-I said- Can you give her to me so I can feed her? -Of course- he smiled as he scooped the baby out from her bassinet- Don't cry,princess..-he whispered to her-Now we'll go to mum...ssshhhhh.. He gave the baby to me and he helped me to hold her. -ssssshhhh...baby girl..-I whispered to her- ssshhh..it's alright. I held her tight and I helped her to suck on my nipple. As soon as I started breastfeeding her,she stopped crying. -she's so gentle when she eats..-I said,as I caressed her head with my free hand- Hannah and Eleanor used to hurt me when they ate. She's so gentle that I don't even think she's eating enough... -what were you saying about her name? At that moment,Dr Lawson entered the room. She was wearing a light blue dress and she had her hair into a French braid. -Hi...-she smiled- I'm about to head home and I'm checking on my patients one last time..but..I can come back later.. -Oh..no..no..-I smiled- you can stay..we were just finishing eating,weren't we,baby girl? -I kissed her forehead. -She's so beautiful,congratulations to you both.-doctor Lawson got closer to my bed -How are you feeling,Violet?-she asked- Do you have any pain or discomfort? -I'm just really tired...-I told her- And a bit sore..but it'll go away soon. She smiled at me -You need to rest now. -I will.-I assured her -As soon as this little lady here finishes eating and goes back to sleep. I looked at the baby..she had her eyes closed and she was so focused while she was eating. -She's so beautiful..the sweetest baby I've ever seen. -the doctor said. A few minutes later,I felt that the baby was no longer eating. -Are you done,sweetie? -I asked her in a sweet voice- apparently you are. I cleaned the baby's mouth with a tissue and I lifted my shirt down. At that moment,the baby opened her eyes. When I looked at her I almost screamed. The white part of her eyes was yellow. I must had become really pale,because both David and the doctor got worried. -What's wrong? -they asked me at the same time-Are you sick? - the baby...-I said-...look at her eyes.. -Let me see..-doctor Lawson said. She looked at the baby herself. After that,she looked back at me. - We need to take her to the NICU and run some tests.-she explained in a calm voice - she has jaundice..we need to start the treatment on her. -what?-I asked in a scared voice- the NICU? I held the baby even tighter than I was already doing. -Yes..-doctor Lawson went on,looking at David and me- she can receive a better treatment there... -I..I.. I was about to cry. -A mild form of jaundice is fairly common in newborns like her.- the doctor tried to reassure us- it's almost physiologic. We just need to help her getting better.. it's not a life threatening condition. She smiled at us. -I..-I stammered- I want to come with you. I don't want my baby to be alone...I..want.. -Violet,honey..you need to rest..-David told me,squeezing my hand. -I need to be with my baby! -I replied,crying- I.. - I'm afraid your husband is right,Violet. I looked at the doctor. -Please...-I begged her- I don't want her to be alone.. - What if I go with her,sweetie?- David smiled at me- I don't want her to be alone either.. -Do not leave her side,please..- I was sobbing- David..do not leave her side.. Neither for a minute..-I won't. - he kissed my forehead. -We're gonna be just fine. I kissed the baby on her forehead. - Be good for daddy..okay,baby girl?-I said- Mummy loves you so much.. -We're gonna fix her as soon as we can. The doctor smiled at me. I looked at her and I gave the baby to David. He put her into her bassinet. -I'm gonna come back ASAP..to give you an update on her.-the doctor told me. David kissed me on my lips. -I love you.-he told me- And I'll be back as soon as I possibly can. And then they disappeared outside of the room. I started sobbing..I was so scared. Then I started praying..whispering in order not to wake Amy. I was on my 10th Hail Mary,when I saw Amy..approaching to my bed,still half asleep. -Violet..what's wrong? -she asked me-what's going on? -nothing,sweetie.-I tried to smile at her. She took a chair and she sat at my bedside.-You said 10 Hail Marys and I can see that you've been crying..-she squeezed my hand- Tell me what's wrong. - the..the baby...-I whispered-...she's sick.. Amy turned white- Sick? How sick?-she squeezed my hand tighter- where is she now? - doctor Lawson took her to the NICU...-I sobbed-...David is with her now... -did the doctor tell you what's wrong with her? -She..she has jaundice.. Amy tried to smile at me - as far as I know,jaundice is pretty common in newborns..-she said- She's gonna be alright. - the..the doctor said the same -I paused - She also said she's gonna update me as soon as possible. Amy took my hand between hers. Even though I was scared to death,I couldn't help but notice how much she had grown in the past day. At that moment she was the oldest and I was the youngest. I was so proud of her. -Don't worry,she's in good hands and she's strong.-she grinned at me- She's a Gardiner for an half,remember? She has strength in her genes..she's like you. She looked at me in the eye. -And I'm sure...-she sighed-...I'm sure Mum and Dad are looking after her from up there. -They would be so proud of you,if they were here...-I caressed her cheek. -Really? -Really...-I sobbed- I certainly am.- I kissed her forehead. -If you hadn't been there yesterday morning..I..I.. -Ssshhhh...-she hugged me-...it's alright. The baby is gonna be fine. -She doesn't even have a name yet..-I sobbed- She's so little..and they won't let me go and see her.. -She's gonna be alright. -she said- Tomorrow morning..I'm sure they'll let you go and see her..and you'll be able to name her then. -I..I need... -You need to rest,Violet. -I need to see my baby! -Honey..-she looked at me- you need to rest..to recover. -I...-I started crying again. Amy held me tight and she let me cry on her shoulder. -Ssshhh..-she whispered- don't cry. She's gonna be just fine. -She's..she's so little..-I sobbed-..I should be with her. -You're gonna go and see her tomorrow morning,I'm sure. She held me even tighter.-Now you need to get some rest...so tomorrow you'll be stronger and the doctor will let you go and see the baby. -I can't..I can't sleep... I... -What if we pray together a little more? -she asked me- would that make you feel better? I nodded. -Okay,then. ***A couple of hours later,Violet had finally fallen asleep. I was by her side,holding her hand and struggling to stay awake. Nobody had told us anything about the baby,yet..I was worried sick. A couple of minutes later,Dr Lawson entered the room. She had her scrubs and sneakers on. -Hi,Amy...-she whispered as she approached to me. -How is the baby?-I asked her -Please,tell me she's fine..I...Violet has just fallen asleep and..- She's getting better. We started treatment with the blue light..her bilirubin levels are still high but they're starting to drop...little by little. -she smiled at me- She's strong..she's a fighter. -She is indeed.-I said as tears of joy streamed down my cheeks. -Like mother,like daughter -she glanced at Violet -I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner..you two must have been through hell. -Pretty much-I smiled- all that matters is that both Violet and the baby are okay. The doctor gave me a tissue to wipe up my tears with. Then she took a chair and she sat near me. -You've been so brave yesterday,Amy. You're gonna become an excellent doctor one day. I felt myself blushing.-thank you. She grinned at me. -You're welcome. I.. All of a sudden,she turned white and took one hand to her mouth. -Are you okay? -I asked. -I..have to..-she got up from the chair and ran to the restroom in front of her. I didn't whether I could follow her or not. I heard her throwing up and coughing violently...for almost 15 minutes. I got worried and I silently knocked on the door.- Dr Lawson..mmmm..are you okay in there? No answer. I could only hear the sound of throwing up. I counted till ten..and then I slowly opened the door. Dr Lawson was kneeled in front of the toilet bowl,throwing up. I stood still for a couple of minutes. I didn't know her well...but she needed help. I kneeled behind her and started rubbing her back,like I had done for Violet a couple of times. -It's okay. -I whispered to her- I'm here...I'm here. Five minutes later,she stopped throwing up. -Is it over?-I asked her in a concerned tone. -Are you..alright now? -Yes,yes.-she whispered-yes,thank you. I'm sorry. -Don't even mention. -I smiled at her- I should have some peppermint in my purse. It worked with Violet when she was sick like this. -How..how do you..-she whispered,following me outside the tiny bathroom -I saw my sister pregnant for 3 times and my mum was a midwife..so..-I rummaged into my purse and I found a box of peppermint candies- here.Take some. She took some candy and ate it silently while she sank on the couch. -It's just..I throw up every time I eat..-She giggled- now I understand why my patients ask me why it's called morning sickness. -I'm sorry you feel sick.. -It's normal.-she smiled- and the peppermint really seems to be working. -You can keep the all pack. I have others in my purse. -Are you sure? I gave her the little box of candy. -Of course. Oh..and of course I won't tell anyone,don't you worry. -you're the sweetest. Violet knows though..she guessed. You're both super bright. -Thanks. -I'm about to go and check on the baby again. Would you like to come with me? -I..I don't want to leave Violet alone. Our aunt had to go home...and there's just me.. -I can have a nurse come and stay with her while we go to the NICU. And...if you stay with the baby for a while,then Mr Johnson can come here and spend some time with Violet. He's worried about her. -I kinda feel bad..to see the baby before Violet does.. -do you wanna wake her up and ask her if you can go? -no,she has just fallen asleep. I bit my lip. -Okay,let's go. 15 minutes. -Great! -the doctor smiled- I'll get the nurse. You wait here. A few seconds later,she came back into the room,followed by a nurse. I took my purse.-Follow me. -Dr Lawson told me- come on. We'll be back soon. I followed her out of the room and into an elevator. -Put your hair up..you're gonna have to wear a cap and gown before getting in there. I did as told. -how much more does the baby need to be in the NICU?-I asked. -It depends on her bilirubin levels.-she paused,smiling- but she's doing well..so hopefully they'll discharge her soon. -and what about Violet? - I believe she doesn't want to go home before the baby does..so I'll keep her here for another day..she has had a difficult time after all. We got to the pediatrics floor..and outside of the NICU. Both the doctor and I wore protective gear and washed our hands. Then we got in. There were incubators and machines. A lot of parents..a lot of babies. We got to the last row of incubators. I saw David,sitting on chair near the last one. We got closer. - hi..- doctor Lawson whispered- look who's here. -Amy? -he said -did you come here on your own? Can you even be here? -I brought her here to see the baby. -the doctor explained- she can stay here for a bit..so you can go and spend some time with Violet. -how is she? -she's sleeping. -I replied- but she'd love to see you. -are you sure I can go? I nodded. He got closer to the baby -Daddy is gonna be back soon,princess - he said- be good for aunt Amy,okay? Then he got up he ran out of the room. -you can sit there. -Dr Lawson encouraged me- come on. I did as told. I looked at the baby. She looked at me. -she's so beautiful. -I whispered- so beautiful. -you can talk to her.. -can I..touch her? -of course. - she smiled-be gentle though. -Hi,baby girl. -I said -I'm your aunt Amy. I cannot wait for you to come home. We're gonna spend so much time together. I'm gonna play with you,read to you and sing you lullabies. Then when you get older,I'll braid your hair and teach you a lot of other things..like playing the piano,bake cookies and how to deal with being the baby of the family. The baby gurgled. -do you like the idea? -I whispered,touching her tiny hand.- I love you so much. She looked at me and squeezed my finger.-oh wow..you're strong! -I whispered- like your mummy,uh? She misses you so much. You know..she's my superhero. You're lucky to have her as a mum. I hope you won't be a picky eater..because she can cook a lot of yummy stuff and it'd be a shame for you not to taste those. She also makes the best Irish Apple crumble in the entire world and I cannot wait till you can taste it yourself because it's so yummy. The baby was still looking at me -that was the only cake she could eat when she was pregnant with you..so I suppose you like it already,don't you? And I bet you don't like licorice! - I giggled- your mummy loves it..but she if she had a piece of it while pregnant with you..she would throw up instantly! So I think you don't like it,do you? I bet you don't even like tea..which is weird because your mum drinks gallons of it! -I sure do. - Violet's voice came from behind me- I'm half Irish after all. I turned around and I saw Violet. She was in a wheelchair,her hands in her lap and a gown like mine on. David was behind her and Doctor Lawson was watching her like a hawk. -how are you? - I asked her- who did you bribe to get out of bed? -me..-the doctor said- she told me she would stay in bed all day tomorrow if I let her come here. -she usually keeps her promises. Right,Violet? She nodded. I moved so David could sit. I was feeling like the odd one out. -so..uhm..I think I should go. -No! -Violet said- Stay. The baby likes listening to you talking to her. -did you hear what I told her? -most of it...-she smiled- I love you so much,lass. - I love you too,Vi. -can I hold my baby now? -she asked the doctor with puppy eyes- please.. -of course. She gently scooped the baby out of her incubator and she gave it to Violet. -Hi,baby girl..-Violet said,tears streaming down her face- did you miss me? I missed you so much. She started rocking her gently. -do you want auntie Amy to hold you? -she asked her at some point- oh, of course you do.. -Violet..I..can't.. -I said- I don't want to hurt her... -You won't hurt her. -she smiled at me- nor drop her. And she won't break. Come on. She gave me the baby. -Gosh..-I whispered - it feels weird. But it's amazing. -It is,uh? - Violet echoed- I'll teach you how to change her diaper and how to feed her if you want. -yay! -I whispered- but I can't feed her. -I'll pump from time to time. So you can give her a bottle. But this all babysitting thing will happen only on the weekends and for a few hours a day during the rest of the summer. -her voice got sweeter- you have school to think about. And...I think some shadowing would do good too. -really? -I said- can I? -Dr Lawson said she'll set up something for you. I was so happy. -did you hear that?-I whispered to the baby - I'll get to take care of you and to shadow doctors! I still don't know what's your name,though. Tough choice for your mummy and daddy..you need a pretty name. Pretty name for a pretty girl. Violet and David looked at each other. -go ahead. -he told her,smiling. -her name is Elizabeth. -she said- Elizabeth Marie. - that's so pretty.
My thoughts are eating me alive once again.
After 1 day and a half of peace,they came back.
I feel horrible and overwhelmed again. I feel like I'm worthless again.
I feel like no one should like me again.
I'm doubting on whether I can go to med school or not again. It's exhausting.
I just want to sleep forever once again or to disappear even.
It's exhausting.
I really hope my friends will stick with me if I don't get into med school.
I'll never stop loving medicine no matter what though. I can't give up a passion that molded me into who I am.
It's exhausting. I had to get off Twitter again..Facebook makes me sick.
I just would like a friend of mine to talk to me about something..anything.
Maybe that will calm down the spiral.
Today was a good day.
I didn't have breakdowns or sad moments.
I did have a bad dream last night and I wasn't really able to get any sleep till late so I physically had to sleep in. I couldn't keep my eyes open when my alarm went off at 7.
But all in all,it wasn't a big deal.
I revised two lectures for my biology exam while cleaning green beans for lunch(yes,I'm learning to multitask!).
I had a yummy lunch that consisted in dishes I can quite make myself.
Yes..I'm slowly learning how to cook and bake and I love it when I make something yummy!
Then I did some more studying and I talked to a dear friend of mine via email..and that was amazing! I love talking to her. She told me we will always be friends and that made me burst with joy.
Yes,I do feel strongly..all or nothing
And hopefully tomorrow I'll Skype to another dear friend of mine and I can't wait!
Today was better.
As many of you know,I have CP. I was diagnosed with it when I was 2. I learned how to walk when I was 4.
Almost 1 year ago my cousin got me an awesome walker and thanks to it,my CP doesn't bother me that much anymore.
I no longer need people to hold my hand when I walk but I'm still scared of going out of the house alone because of sidewalks and steps and other barriers that I have to learn how to deal with.
My CP and I are getting along now,kind of.
I learned that I've been lucky because there are so many more severe kinds of it.
Pediatrics is one of my favorite specialties..and a part of me would love to become a pediatric neurologist..to treat kids who have CP like I do.
Sometimes I'm angry at my CP.
I'm angry at it because I can't do the same things other people do. I can't run fast.
I can stand up with no support for a long period of time without having my legs turning into jelly. A month ago I was trying to mop the floor and I had to stop because my legs were shaking and hurting.
I felt so useless...I cried.
I want to learn how to be independent,how to do the cleaning and the cooking and..just how to take care of myself and to help my mum in the process as well.
I'm doing it. Both yesterday and today I cooked part of lunch.
I can make my own breakfast and sometimes I make dinner.
But sometimes my CP still gets in the way. I still get tired if I stand up for a lot of time.
I still can't carry a cup of coffee from a corner to the room to the other without holding onto things for support.
I can't get into an elevator alone because my walker gets stuck in the way and if the elevator doesn't work I can't do the stairs.
I can't go to the library alone because the access to it and my walker don't get along and because people stare me like I were an alien.
I can't take food from the canteen because I can't carry a tray of food by myself and I don't want to bother other people.
I can't walk in the sand..I'll fall.
I can't stop feeling like a burden to anyone..nor thanking anyone profusely for hours just because they're kind to me..just because they keep me company or help me with the slightest thing.
I can't stop dreading the fact that I'll be left alone once again..even though now I have a few good friends for whom I'd do anything.
I lost the only thing I was good at..school.
Now I'm not really sure I want/can go to Med School anymore.
I love medicine..it's one of my biggest passions. I'm just struggling here and..oh gosh all of this is exhausting.
A part of me want to fly to the UK,finally meet some friends and have a break.
A part of me dreads every bit of the idea...traveling alone,not being able to pay for my trip myself.
I feel selfish and stupid..there are so many amazing people out there.
And then there's me.
Since I started school and I started struggling,I started wondering whether I'd still be loved if I failed my exams or dropped out.
I won't say I have never struggled before..because I have.
I've never felt so alone and so stupid and so insecure before. I don't know how or why..a part of me thinks that I won't be loved anymore if I don't do well in school and maybe that's why I always decide to take exams later than I should.
School as always been the only thing I've been good at..and maybe I ended up thinking that my worth and my deserving to be loved or even alive is based on my grades.
The very last time I've been happy was last September before starting school. Then..no more.
I try my best but from the outside it seems like I am a stupid little bragging person that spends her time not doing anything.
I feel guilty every time I take a break and God forbid people seeing me while I take one. I just feel horrible all the time,sometimes I feel like I can no longer breathe and I physically forced to email a friend in tears..so she can fix me.
I wish I didn't have to ask for help to her every time but I really can't help it.
This week I felt fine,kinda. I had decided to take the exam tomorrow..I was doing good with revision and had yesterday and today all planned. But then I remembered I had to sign up for it in order to take it. The other exams I took didn't require you to sign up so it just..slipped..I was so fed up with revision that I didn't check.
Plus I didn't know you can sign up for an exam ahead of time and then not show up if you feel sick or something happens..and that's why I didn't sign up a month ago.
I'm sorry but it's my very first year..I'm still getting used to it and so far I hate it.
I cried so hard that my eyes are still burning and my biology textbook is all humid and stained with tears.
I got yelled at. I felt angry. I thought people would be better off without me..as I often do. I was told that I am "not normal".
I worked so hard my all life thinking to university as the place I'd finally be happy at. And now life sucks. Isn't that funny?
"Why do I try to do everything right and I go wrong every time?"
When I was little,I remember I never said I wanted to be a princess who wanted to marry Prince Charming and to live happily ever after with him in a castle.
I do remember I dressed up as a doctor when I was five.
I remember I always answered the famous "what would you like to do when you're older?" with "I'd love to become a doctor".
I've been wanting to become a doctor my all life pretty much. Maybe it's because I saw a lot of doctors during my childhood and I fell in love with it.
With medicine. With fixing people and helping them out.
I remember I was always fascinated after my dozen of doctors' appointments...and I always had to run to books/Internet in order to understand what they had told me.
I was just fascinated and I wanted to know..to find out more and more stuff.
When I was 14/15 I fell in love with hematology..due to a book that I had read. I would spend hours to read and do research..I was(still am) so interested in the topic.
I always had As in biology due to my passion for medicine and my studying.
Plus,I always loved kids,even though they seem not to like me.
Then..a kid I know was diagnosed with leukemia,and I started thinking about specializing into peds or pediatric hem/onc.
I know pediatrics,especially pediatric oncology is a tough specialty and it requires you to be strong.
I can keep it together most of the times,but I don't know if I am strong enough for that kind of career.
I have been told that being a physician isn't a realistic career for me.
At first I was mad...I cried for days and I was basically depressed.
I still get really sad and mad if I think of it and my thoughts go to it anytime I go wrong with the slightest thing.And it's bad.
Now that I am at university,I am having an hard time,I'm trying my best but I'm struggling so bad.
Chemistry and Physics problems are gonna be the death of me. The highest grade I got was a bit.
I was so ready for my biology exam Monday but I forgot to sign up for it because I was so fed up with revision and now I can no longer take it.
Yay for me and how clumsy and stupid I am.
Yay for all the people who are gonna take the exam just because they studied less than I did and actually remembered to sign up for it on time.
Yay for all the people who don't know what's this or that but are still going to score higher than me on the exam.
Yay for my mum who told me I'm "not normal" once again.
Yay for my feeling like a failure all the time.
Yay for that person that person that broke me..thank you. Really needed that.
Yay for my need for help all the time.
Yay for the people who do medicine for money.
Yay for my being horrible.
Yay for my not knowing what's realistic and what isn't for me anymore.
If I were to tell people I wanted to be a princess now,I think they would tell me to go for it because that's more realistic than becoming a doctor.
I know so many amazing people. And I feel so bad for them when they feel bad.
They don't deserve it. I wish I could do more for them.
Sometimes I feel so so useless. Because I can't help people.
And since helping people is my most favorite thing in the entire world,that's bad.
I feel useful when I help people. It's clichè and whatever but..helping people makes me feel good. I feel like I found my place in the world when I help people. I wish I didn't always need help myself. From now on,I'll rely on this blog to talk about how I feel. Because I've been told all of these crappy life experiences I'm having right now will help me becoming a better person and hopefully a better physician. I cancelled my drafts for my stories and it didn't hurt too much. Maybe I'm growing up or something. I don't know. I'll swear I'll be a better person. Less self centered. Sweeter. Kinder. Smarter. Better. Less needy.
