WARNING:I'm no expert in the topic I'll talk about in this  post. I'm not a doctor,nor a therapist. I don't have any certified knowledge nor training. I honestly don't think I know much about the topic..nothing but what I learned and still learning from my very personal experience. Views are mine.

Let's talk about it.  Let's talk about depression and anxiety.

As I said above..I'm no expert whatsoever. I'm in fact barely out of my teens.

But I think depression and anxiety are very important topics and I'd like to talk about it.I,for one, have always been anxious. I'm anxious about everything...going places,seeing people,taking a test,going to a place I've never been before...you name it.

Since I was about 11 I've been terrified of going places..like little shops and stuff like that.

I'm not claustrophobic,it's not that. But after 5 minutes I've been into a shop,my brain disconnects,my heart starts pounding,I start shaking from top to toe.

I don't know why. 

Maybe it's because,after I've been on my feet for 5 minutes,I get super tired and I need to sit down and if I see no chairs around I start panicking.

It's really stupid. I know. But I can't always sit on the ground. And my CP and staying on my feet don't really get along.

Maybe now that I have my walker,this issue will be solved..as long as I take my walker with me everywhere I go.

Sometimes I get anxiety attacks that prevent me from living normally. Sometimes my fears and anxieties fill up my head so much that I literally cannot think about anything else(happened a couple of weeks ago).

Sometimes I get panic attacks. I start breathing faster and faster,my heart starts pounding,I start sweating, I get pins and needles all over my body,I can't walk straight and..-be prepared,this is weird- I start speaking and thinking only in English..that,as many of you already know,is my second language.

Yes,my brain is weird.

I've always been anxious about this or that. Anxiety is horrible.

I don't know whether I am depressed or not.

 I haven't been evaluated for that..nor I have been to a therapist recently.

I just get these..terrible moments where I feel like everything is falling apart..like everything is slipping out of control..like I were in a car and I had lost control over it.

Sometimes I have breakdowns..lasting up to 30 minutes. I cry,cry and cry until I feel better. 

Sometimes all the crying leaves me with puffy red eyes and makes it hard for me to breathe.

Sometimes I feel like I'm useless and a waste of space..a bother..a burden..a mistake.

Sometimes I think I shouldn't even be alive..that everyone would be better off without me.

During these horrible moments I actually thought about overdosing on pills and just getting over with it..but the rational part of me took over all the times.

Sometimes I don't want to get up in the morning.

Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever. 

Sometimes I feel like a horrible person and a failure. And it's not exam time only.

It's (almost) all the time since..October. 

Sometimes I just found myself thinking: "what's the point of trying? I'll end up being a burden and failure anyway. What's the point?".

I somehow convinced myself that my parents wouldn't have loved me anymore if I hadn't got good grades at uni and that made me so sick.  Thank God I now have their word it's not true and it's just my brain being silly.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to somehow show people I CAN do medicine...which is my passion(at least ,it's one of them) and what I want to do with my life.

I often feel like I'm not enough. 

Not clever enough. Not brainy enough. Not sweet enough. Not kind enough. Not enough.

The point of all this rambling though is not ranting about how blah I feel,about the problems I have and such. 

As I said..I do know I have anxiety. However I do not know if I could be diagnosed with proper depression or if it's just my stupid mind making up things.

Literally the only thing that works for me when I have breakdowns and anxiety attacks..is letting it all out..whether  by crying or writing..or emailing a  dear friend of mine who's always there for me..or going on Twitter where there are a lot of lovely people who are there to listen to me and talk to me.

I'm proud..I don't like asking for help and I'm terrified by the thought of bothering people or being  clingy and annoying. But I'm learning that I need help sometimes. That I am human. That I can be weak from time to time. That I don't always need to put up a brave face and push through pain...like it was nothing..like it didn't hurt. I'm learning to ask for help. 

As I said,I'm not a doctor nor an expert in the field..but..if you feel like I feel..please..talk to someone. A friend,a relative..a teacher. 

Or..if you don't want to talk because you don't want to bother or you can't talk..write down everything that goes through your mind..just to let it all out. No one has to read what you wrote. It's for you and for you only. 

You can cancel everything after you've done writing..without even reading through it once.

Please don't isolate. You don't deserve pain.  You don't deserve to be alone nor to suffer.  Easier said than done,I know.

Once you ask for help..once you find a friend..once you realize someone is indeed there for you,once you realize that you're not alone..little by little everything becomes more bearable.  

The sun will rise again..sooner or later. 

I promise.