I don't know where this blog post is gonna get to,what direction it's gonna take.
To be be honest,I don't even know if this is gonna be a proper blog post or just a series of random thoughts put together.
I haven't blogged in a while.
To be honest,I haven't written much these days either. I do have some ideas for new scenes and I have to rewrite the grocery shopping scene (see my last blog post for more info about it) and hopefully post it on here when it's done.
But..I just didn't get around to actually elaborate and transform my ideas into a proper story.
This morning I felt so sick that I decided to take a break from Twitter because Evie has woken up again and started bothering me again.
She brought her big guns with her,too. Comparison is one of the most dangerous and powerful weapons she loves to hurt me with.
It leads to self loathing and isolation(feeling like I should be left alone forever or strongly wishing I could become one with the walls),hence the Twitter break.
I don't know how long my break will last,I hope it won't be too long.
I hope Evie will get back to sleep soon.
Here is how a conversation with Evie usually goes. She usually starts bothering me at night,when I am in bed,trying to fall asleep..or in the morning,before I get up.
Evie: "Hey. I'm back! Did you miss me?"
Me: "No. Please,leave me alone. Go back to sleep".
Evie: "Oh no,I just woke up...I wanna have fun!"
Me: "No. Go away. "
Evie: "So..how did your day go?"
Me: "I had fun. My Twitter friends are lovely. They actually like me! And my friend B from uni and I had lunch together today..we talked! I think she likes me too. She's always so kind to me and she listen to what I say and she doesn't pretend I'm not there!"
Evie: "Mmmmm. Actually,she does not like you. She's kind because she pities you and she's gonna leave you. Everyone does,remember? You better not get attached as you usually do. Pathetic."
Me: "Shut up. And then there's my friend I. She's so sweet and kind. I love sitting with her at English. I help her. I love doing that. I missed helping people with homework and such. I love English class..I actually feel like the old me again. I feel..somewhat competent. I feel like I actually know something!"
Evie: "That's basic level,that's why you feel like you know something. If you were to take a more advanced level class,you wouldn't last 2 seconds. And you would fail at the only thing you're supposed to be decent at. You're not smart. You're not bright. You are a waste of space."
Me: "Shut up. Leave me alone".
Evie: "You need to leave Twitter for good..you're not smart enough to be on there and to talk to people. You don't even know what you're talking about most of the time! You're not a med student,nor a doctor,nor someone smart or funny or caring or kind. You just bother."
Me: "I don't! I have friends on there..they are so kind..they like me. I like being part of the Twitter community. Now,could you please leave me alone? I want to write something."
Evie: "oh..that stupid grocery shopping scene? How cute.
You know that' s stupid,don't you?
You know those people were right,don't you?
You..will never have any of that. Well..let me be kind,maybe you can have the saddest bits.
Come on,seriously? You are..you. "
Me: "Oh yes..I..forgot. You're right. I am..me."
Evie: "you will never do that or anything else in life,for that matter. Wake up,Sleeping Beauty. No one really likes you. You're just a bother. Always been,always will be.
Me: "You're mean. *sobs* My friend L might come over this summer. She says she wants to hang out with me. So you're wrong. She's my friend."
Evie: "You are gonna bore her to tears. You are boring and not fun,remember?"
Me: "I..shut up, you,evil monster! That's not true!
Evie: "I beg your pardon?"
Me: "I meant..yes, ma'am. I remember."
Evie: "Now..that's better."
