Dear Depressed Em,
Clear your mind of "I can't do this,this and this because of this,this and this".
Doctors thought you would die and you didn't. You fought and won your first battle with only a little bruise as a reminder. You're gonna have to live with this "bruise" that is CP for the rest of your life..but hey,you two are starting to get along,right?
You thought you wouldn't survive high school because the course you chose was "hard" and "too difficult" and you "weren't smart enough" for it. Remember how many sleepless nights you had,during the summer before freshman year? Remember how much you cried in a pillow at night..because you were scared?
It was hard,yes. But you gave it all you had and in the end you graduated top of your class and won a scholarship.
You won one of the 2 scholarships available for your entire school district. YOU did it.
The same person who cried and cried in a pillow because she was so so scared of not making it through high school. Because she thought she wasn't smart enough for it.
You applied to med school because it has always been your dream..and because you can't see yourself as anything else but a doctor,after all.
Then..you didn't get in for a variety of reasons..and life started not to go "according to plan". You cried for 3 days straight,remember? But then you got up and kept studying because you had to graduate.
Then..a mean person you trusted because you looked up to her told you becoming a doctor "wasn't realistic" for you.
And that was the final straw.
You didn't want to get out of bed when you were on study leave and supposed to review for your exams. You studied only because you had to help your friends..and to this day,you're so grateful to them..and 75% of your grade and scholarship should actually go to them.
You started biotech..at the beginning you were so excited about it and planned to get out of there and reapply to med school ASAP. But then..you started doubting yourself..more than you'd ever done before.You hated biotech..and still do.. self doubt ate you alive and paralysed you more than CP ever did.
It still does. And..the "I can't,I can't I can't" returned..stronger than ever.
You tried to hate medicine because a part of you(or depression) was like "a doctor? You? Come on,are you kidding? You are..you. You...have CP,you are not smart. Everyone around you..they don't think you can do it..they think you're crazy" . But you failed. Your love for medicine got even stronger but at the same time..your depression got stronger as well. Some days it's so hard. Some days you don't care..you don't wanna get out of bed,you believe nothing is worth it,you believe your life is a waste and you just want to sleep forever. It's horrible.
But..guess what? Depression hasn't won yet. You are fighting. The old,determined you..is still in there. You lost 13 kg and walked for 8 km. You passed all your exams last semester. You wore shorts and a tank top and actually felt good in them. You learned to walk in flip flops. You got A on your human physiology exam.
Tiny things,yes. But things that you didn't think you could do this time last year.
You are fighting and you are working towards your huge goals list..even though you always feel like you never do enough and comparison is always there,lurking.
"No matter how slowly you go,as long as you don't stop" they say.
Keep going. Rest if you must..but don't give up. Take your time.
Have faith. Stay positive. Don't quit..you're gonna regret it.
Don't give up...and one by one,you're gonna turn your "I can't"s into "I can"s.
With love,
The Best Version of You.
.
