Since I started school and I started struggling,I started wondering whether I'd still be loved if I failed my exams or dropped out.

I won't say I have never struggled before..because I have.

I've never felt so alone and so stupid and so insecure before. I don't know how or why..a part of me thinks that I won't be loved anymore if I don't do well in school and maybe that's why I always decide to take exams later than I should.

School as always been the only thing I've been good at..and maybe I ended up thinking that my worth and my deserving to be loved or even alive is based on my grades.

The very last time I've been happy was last September before starting school. Then..no more.

I try my best but from the outside it seems like I am a stupid little bragging person that spends her time not doing anything.

I feel guilty every time I take a break and God forbid people seeing me while I take one. I just feel horrible all the time,sometimes I feel like I can no longer breathe and I physically forced to email a friend in tears..so she can fix me.

I wish I didn't have to ask for help to her every time but I really can't help it.

This week I felt fine,kinda. I had decided to take the exam tomorrow..I was doing good with revision and had yesterday and today all planned. But then I remembered I had to sign up for it in order to take it. The other exams I took didn't require you to sign up so it just..slipped..I was so fed up with revision that I didn't check.

Plus I didn't know you can sign up for an exam ahead of time and then not show up if you feel sick or something happens..and that's why I didn't sign up a month ago.

I'm sorry but it's my very first year..I'm still getting used to it and so far I hate it.

I cried so hard that my eyes are still burning and my biology textbook is all humid and stained with tears.

I got yelled at. I felt angry. I thought people would be better off without me..as I often do.  I was told that I am "not normal".

I worked so hard my all life thinking to university as the place I'd finally be happy at. And now life sucks. Isn't that funny?

 "Why do I try to do everything right and I go wrong every time?"