Dear future daughter...
3:52 AM
Dear future daughter,
hello! It's mummy here.
Crazy how I'm writing you a letter when you're not even here yet..uh?
Yes,I am aware of this.
But you're gonna learn that mummy is a writer and a softie so she does crazy things like this sometimes!
I know it might be a little too early for me to think about you right now...I'm sure many years are going to go by before you come.
Princesses need to take their sweet time,after all.
I am still writing you this letter though because ,deep inside, I know you will be here,one day.
I don't yet know what your name will be( I have some in mind though and I'm in love with two of them in particular) nor how you'll look like...I can only try and picture your face in my mind,when my evil monster gives me a break from all the torturing(more about this later).
I hope you'll get my hair..the only thing about my physical appearance that I like.
I hope you will be confident and fearless.
I hope you will be strong and resilient.
I hope you will be kind,caring and sweet.
I hope you will know the power of compassion and empathy.
I hope you will know the power of gratitude,hope and kindness and use it in your daily life.
I will try my best to raise you as best as I possibly can and to teach you these said things.
Gosh..these are so many things already! There's already so much I'd like to teach you,so be prepared to learn a lot!
I'm gonna introduce you to English as soon as possible..like your Nana did with me,in the hopes you'll love it as much as I did then and do now.
But don't worry..I won't force you to do anything you don't want to or to like things you clearly don't!
English has always been very important to mummy,you know?
It means..freedom to me. It's a bit complicated to explain..just know that if I were asked to write this letter in Italian, I couldn't do it.
I hope you too will find something similar. Something that means freedom to you. Maybe it will be a sport? Or playing an instrument? Or baking?
Whatever you want.
I don't know why but I think you'll love sports.
Maybe it's because I'm quite lazy and I don't like sports much..so I hope you won't be like me!
I will try my best to support you in every way possible..with your choices and with how you decide to live your life.
Whatever you decide to do,I will always be your number one fan.
I hope you will never be afraid of talking to me and telling me whatever you want or whatever is going on in your mind.
I hope you will have the strength and the courage to follow your dreams.
I used to have those,you know?
Now I'm going through a rather rough period of my life and they seem to be playing hide and seek. But I'll find them back!
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they say.
I hope you will never have to deal with an evil monster like the one I seem to be dealing with right now. She's horrible.
I hope you will learn that sometimes you need not to give a monkeys of what people tell you and have to go after what you want despite their bad words.
If you happen to be anything like me(I hope you won't be!),it might take you some time to master this.
I myself am still learning how to do it
But I'll learn it,one day soon...and you will too.
Here comes the most difficult part of this letter. I don't know how to write this.
As you grow older,you might start to notice that mummy has a bit of an issue with walking and uses a walker as an aid. You might notice that,as you grow older and bigger..mummy can't hold you and carry you around much anymore.
You might notice that mummy is a bit different from the other mums you see... that she gets tired often and needs to take her walker with her everywhere she goes.
You don't have to be scared of this.
It's called cerebral palsy or CP for short. It's not progressive,nor contagious. You see..when I was born,I was 13 weeks earlier and I had some problems..the most serious of them affected my brain and caused me to have CP.
To be completely honest with you,even though I've been living with this my all life..I still hate it sometimes. I am not proud of this..but sometimes I do.
A couple of days ago I was asked if I could hold a baby..in a bad rhetorical way,as to say "oh poor you,do you really think YOU can do it? If you do,there must be something seriously wrong
with you".
with you".
And after that I was made fun of because I said I want to become a pediatrician.
I felt so terrible. Like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and crashed in a million pieces.
I've been keeping myself as busy as I possibly could in order not to think of it.
See? I told you I still have to learn how to deal with bad things people tell me in a better way.
I suck at it still.
Last night though..I remembered of a scene I wrote some time ago.
Yes, you're probably gonna hear a lot about mummy's writing as you grow up. So you better get used to it hihihi.
In the scene,my protagonist is almost 7 months pregnant with her 3rd child and she goes grocery shopping with her youngest daughter,who's 2 and a half. At her request of never letting go of her hand while they're shopping,the little girl asks her if she can hold her and carry her around instead.
Now..since my protagonist is heavily pregnant and having a difficult pregnancy,she can't do that.
So she takes a shopping cart,picks her daughter up and makes it so she's sitting comfortably in it. So everyone is happy,both her and her little girl.
When I remembered of this scene..I felt relieved.
And I smiled and felt a lot better than I had been feeling all weekend.
I finally realised that person's words were wrong.
Of course my situation is gonna be a bit different than my protagonist's (well..unless I have other kids after you,as I hope to)..but I too have weight bearing and tiredness issues due to my CP..that might cause me not to be able to carry you around.
But..as my protagonist does in the scene,I too can find other ways to deal with this "problem". I too might make you sit in a shopping cart for example. (Shopping carts are super fun by the way! I loved sitting in them as a kid!)
You see,sweetheart..I'm learning,day by day,that yes..I am different from others. Yes,I have CP and maybe depression and anxiety as well.
I have them. They don't have me.
It's hard some days..I am not gonna lie.
But..I am trying to learn that I can still do things despite my illnesses/disabilities.
That my goals are..realistic still. They might be more difficult to accomplish yes,but it's indeed possible for me to accomplish them.
I can still become a pediatrician and I can still be the best mother I can possibly be to you.
This letter was about you and it has become about me..mummy rambles sometimes and tends to go off topic.
Sorry about that.
I hope..by the time you come, I'll have managed to have a better relationship with my monsters.
I hope you will be as proud of me,as I'll be of you.
I don't know you yet nor I have met you yet,but I know you will be amazing.
I know I will be so proud of you.
With all my love,
Mummy
5 comments
This is so beautiful Emma and I am so proud of you and your willingness to move on even after interacting with a harsh bunch of people .. We all have those monsters in our lives that discourage us and fighting them makes us strong! I feel sorry for people who lack empathy and manners and ignoring what they say is the best we can do because if what they say and do takes a toll on our well-being , they win ! And we don't want that !
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ReplyDeleteYour daughter will be one lucky girl to have someone so beautiful inside out as a mother !
What a beautiful blog Emma! You write so eloquently and honestly; you made me cry and smile too.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter will be very fortunate to have you as a mother, no doubt about it! Lots of love. xx
What a beautiful blog Emma! You write so eloquently and honestly; you made me cry and smile too.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter will be very fortunate to have you as a mother, no doubt about it! Lots of love. xx
Beautiful,i actually cried reading this.I think kids are the most understanding beings ever if they see people who they love suffer they try to find ways to help them.I think we can learn so much from kids.
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