life

Relaxing snow day recap!

3:23 PM



Hello friends!
So this morning I slept in,mostly because my bed was so warm and I didn't want to leave it.
I also had an an anxiety attack over school but..well,let's forget about it,shall we?
Anyway..my growling stomach forced me out on my warm bed.
I had planned to have toast with peanut butter,banana and honey for breakfast.
Clean and delicious,right?
Mmmm..I was so looking forward to it.
But then I walked into the kitchen and saw my cousin had bought Nutella croissants.
And..who was I to say no to those?
One croissant never killed anyone,right?
I also made myself a cinnamon latte with espresso and a lot of foam.
Mmmm..it was just what I needed on a super cold day.
When I want a comforting drink,my homemade cinnamon latte is my go to.
It never fails to make me feel better.
It's so creamy and warm and cinnamon-y. It tastes like it's decadent but it's healthy because it's made with skim milk(or non dairy milk) and no sugar.
I'll share with you how I make it in another post  if you want.
Anyways..I had a Nutella croissant with a cinnamon latte on the side.
Ahhhh..it was so yummy.
Every once in a while you just need that chocolate fix,you know?






Anyways..while I was eating my yummy breakfast,I saw that it was snowing outside.
Everything was covered with snow..it looked so magical.
I've never seen  that much snow in my entire life..it never snows where I live. Like..ever.
After spending some time looking at the snow falling,I removed myself from the window and went to my room.
I got my calming fairy lights on,filled my favourite water bottle with water and prepared to get some studying done.
Since I had my laptop in front of me,I figured I would complete a task I've been putting off for a while now: check the dates available to sit my exams.
I don't know why but my university website portal has always filled me with dread..and every time it takes me some time to convince myself to check it.
Yeah..anxiety is bad.
But  the portal doesn't scare me as much as it did 2 years ago..so it will scare me less and less each time until it won't scare me anymore.
It's all about baby steps,right?
After checking the options,I sort of made a schedule and then I started studying.

But my mum called me because it was time to.. *drum roll* go outside and play in the snow!!
My garden was all covered in soft,white snow.
I had never seen that much snow in my life..it felt like a dream.
We took pictures of that wonderful winter wonderland, walked around(my walker worked even in the snow! ) and had a snowball fight.
My hands froze but it was totally worth it.
I had so so much fun!
Seriously..look how amazing it was!
Pretty dreamy looking,uh?
It looked and felt like a fairytale.







After that we had lunch(lots of veggies!!) and then we bundled up in front of the fireplace and watched funny movies(Checco Zalone rules!) while eating snow drizzled with maple syrup( it's delicious! Have you ever tried it?) and now we're about to have homemade pizza for dinner.

And do you know what the best part is?
It should snow again tomorrow and that means my cousin is gonna stay with us for another day.
He lives north(1000 km away from me)and I don't see him that often.
He works for the Red Cross and he's one of my biggest supporters when it comes to my goal of becoming a doctor.
He gave me a stethoscope for me to practice taking blood pressure manually.
He gifted me freedom in the form of my walker.
He showed me I could drive.
As I said..he's one of my biggest supporters.

Yesterday he surprised us and brought me one of the party favours he and his team gave away at a Red Cross party.


It's a  tiny handmade wooden toy ambulance on tiny wheels. Isn't that the cutest?
He brought two of them..one for my family and another just for me.
I'll keep it on my desk..for it to act as motivation for me to achieve my goal of becoming a physician.

All in all,it was a great relaxing day.

Do you like snow?
Does it snow often where you live?
What's your favourite comfort drink to have on  a cold morning?

life

It's Christmas! And a cookie recipe!

10:34 AM

Hello,friends!
Long time no blogging!
Thanksgiving in the US was last Thursday and even though I(unfortunately)am not from the US therefore don't celebrate,I have only one thing on my mind right now: Christmas!!

This year I really wanna enjoy Christmas to the max,like I've always written in my stories but actually never done before.
I wanna shower my loved ones and my friends with love and presents,decorate the house,take care of each and every little detail and just try to enjoy every moment!
I decided I will go to the Midnight Mass this year as well since I haven't been able to go in a while.
I also have my Christmas outfit picked out..and praying they put on sale the shoes I decided to wear under it.
Any girl with CP knows that finding a  pair of shoes that are both cute and CP friendly can be hard so..I'm really hoping they go on sale.
I usually am not this picky with outfits or shoes but I wanna look cute for once,even if it's just to spend Christmas Day at home with my family.

Well..besides the boring girl talk up there,my mind is all set on Christmas right now.
I just want to decorate the house,buy people presents(either in person or online..God bless Amazon! 
Speaking of which,is anyone  out there  in love with the Amazon delivery guy?
Just me? Okay)..play Christmas carols (Andrea Bocelli's are my favourites) and sing to them,write Christmas scenes,wrap Christmas presents(or rather,practice doing that! ) and..bake cookies!

Now..since starting a journey to  the best and healthiest version of myself last May (more about this coming in the next post) I got closer to the kitchen and started cooking for myself.
By  no means I am good at cooking or baking but now I can cook myself a nice healthy meal.
I also learned how to peel/cut fruit and veggies..something that I wasn't able to do before.
Yay to beating CP!

Last Sunday,I was in this Christmassy mood I told you about.
So I  decided to face my previous fails induced fear of baking and to try out a simple sugar cookie recipe.
I told myself:
"I've been watching Laura Vitale's videos dutifully for 5 years now and know quite a bit of the theory behind baking( two of my characters are pastry chefs so...)..Laura makes it looks so easy..I should just go for it!"
So I did it.
And I just used a bowl,a spatula and a fork..no fancy mixers.
In fact:
1. The blender/food processor I use is broken and mum's is too complicated and heavy for me.
2. I want to learn how to do things "the old fashioned way" before using mixers/fancy equipment. I need to have the basics down first.
3.  I count mixing by hand/kneading as a nice arm workout. And working out equals more cookies later!!
I followed the recipe to the letter,adding some ground cinnamon to it to make it taste Christmassy( I LOVE cinnamon!).
I got mad and frustrated at some point though because I couldn't make cute cut out cookies..they would get misshaped as soon as I tried to lift them up to put them on the cookie sheet.
Fine work is not for me!
After trying to make cute shaped cookies for a bit with not success,I gave up and just took little bits of dough,rolled them into little balls and put them on the cookie sheet.
I then pressed  on them lightly with a fork dipped in flour,to make a bit of a pattern on them.
And off into the oven they went.

When I saw that they were rising and baking nicely in the oven,I actually thought they would taste good for once.
I was just so excited.

So I took the other half of the dough from the fridge and divided it in two.
To one half I kneaded in some cocoa powder and added some crushed hazelnuts and some more cinnamon.
To the other I added oats,dried cranberries and hazelnuts.
I formed that dough into cookies as well and off to the oven they went.

When I saw those too were baking nicely,I was just so happy!
Then my family ate them and told me they were good..and I almost cried.
But the best part was that my brother,who's not into sweets,ate more than one and told me he loved them!

Two days ago,he asked me to make the plain cinnamon cookies again.
So yesterday I got to work and made them.
Same exact recipe,same exact method.
I just rolled some cookie dough balls in cinnamon sugar and some into powdered sugar to make them snickerdoodle like and crinkle cookie like respectively.
Guess what?
They came out better than the first time!
So soft and buttery they melted in your mouth..yum!
My brother ate all the plain cinnamon ones,two or three at a time!
A miracle!
When he came home from school yesterday and saw the cookies he barely let me take a picture..he wanted to dig in right away!
And when my mum asked him what he wanted to eat as a snack before going out with his friends yesterday afternoon he enthusiastically said: "cookies!".
Unbelievable.
I can't describe how happy I am when I see him happily munching on the cookies I made.
My mum loved the snickerdoodle ones and the crinkle ones and ordered me some more.

Long story short my family polished off all the cookies I made yesterday and now our cake stand is empty..such a sad sight.

Anyways..I'll leave you the recipe down below if you wanna try to make the cookies yourself.

Off to bake some more cookies I go now..so my brother can have them for breakfast tomorrow!

Do you  like Christmas?
Do you like cooking/baking?
What are your favourite cookie recipes?


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


SUPER EASY SUGAR COOKIES

ORIGINAL RECIPE HERE (in Italian): http://www.misya.info/ricetta/biscotti-al-burro.htm

Makes about 25 cookies

• 1 + 2/3 cups (200g) all purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• A pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup(100g) granulated sugar
• 1/4 cup+ 2 tbsp(90 g) unsalted butter
• 1 egg
• Vanilla extract
• Ground cinnamon(if desired)
• Confectioner sugar /cinnamon sugar for coating(if desired)

***************************************

METHOD

1. Place butter and sugar in a bowl and mix together (using either a spatula and  a whisk or a standing mixer) until they're nicely combined.
2. Add the egg and mix well.
3. Add the vanilla extract.
4. Mix flour,baking powder,salt and ground cinnamon(if using that) together briefly with a spoon.
5. Add the dry ingredients to the wet either little by little or all at once(I find it doesn't make any difference) and mix until a dough forms.
6. Take the dough out of the bowl,wrap it in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge to rest for 30 minutes
7. Put on some Christmas music and dance around the house singing out of your lungs while the dough is chilling.(This step is crucial to make yummy cookies!! )
8. Preheat the oven to 180 C or 350 F
9. Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper or a silicone mat (*My cookie sheets are on the smaller side so I put 12 cookies on each one..if yours are bigger you might get away with using one cookie sheet only but I do advice you to use 2 because the cookies spread a bit during baking)
10. Get the dough out of the fridge.
11. Now..here is where the options come in:
You can either:
-take little bits of  dough at a time,roll into little balls and put them on the cookie sheet,making sure you leave some space between them.
-roll out the dough and cut shapes out of it to make cut out cookies. Make sure to leave some space between the cookies when placing them on the cookie sheets.

12   TIP 1 :If you went with the first option you can roll the little balls into cinnamon sugar(granulated sugar+ground cinnamon mixed together) or confectioner sugar before placing them on the cookie sheets.
TIP 2: If you don't want to coat the balls of dough into the sugar but  still want the cookies to look extra cute,slightly press on them with a fork dipped in flour before baking.

13  Bake the cookies for 10 to 15 minutes or until they get slightly golden on the top and are done on the bottom.
14 Let them cool slightly on the cookie sheets.(If you can wait that long!)
15 Make yourself some hot chocolate/hot drink of your choice to dip them in.
16. Enjoy!!

NOTES

~If you want you can turn these cookies into chocolate cookies by adding cocoa powder to the dry ingredients. Make sure to sift the cocoa powder first though.

~You can add everything you want to the dough..nuts,coconut,chocolate chips,dried fruit,orange or lemon peel...

~If you want you can mix confectioners sugar and water(or orange/lemon juice) together until you get  icing and spread it on the cooled cookies.
You can then add sprinkles of top of them to make them extra cute!

~To have warm "just out of the oven" cookies whenever you want,just pop them in the microwave for 15 to 30 seconds.
 And now.... PICTURES!!!
From the outside to the inside: plain cinnamon,cocoa hazelnut and oat cranberry sugar cookies



From the outside to the inside: plain cinnamon,snickerdoodle like and crinkle like sugar cookies...

CP

Don't give up!

11:13 AM

Dear Depressed Em,
Clear your mind of "I can't do this,this and this because of this,this and this".
Doctors thought you would die and you didn't. You fought and won your first battle with only a little bruise as a reminder. You're gonna have to live with this "bruise" that is CP for the rest of your life..but hey,you two are starting to get along,right?
You thought you wouldn't survive high school because the course you chose was "hard" and "too difficult" and you "weren't smart enough" for it. Remember how many sleepless nights you had,during the summer before freshman year? Remember how much you cried in a pillow at night..because you were scared?
It was hard,yes. But you gave it all you had and in the end you graduated top of your class and won a scholarship.
You won one of the 2 scholarships available for your entire school district. YOU did it.
The same person who cried and cried in a pillow because she was so so scared of not making it through high school. Because she thought she wasn't smart enough for it. 
You applied to med school because it has always been your dream..and because you can't see yourself as anything else but a doctor,after all.
Then..you didn't get in for a variety of reasons..and life started not to go "according to plan". You cried for 3 days straight,remember? But then you got up and kept studying because you had to graduate.
Then..a mean person you trusted because you looked up to her told you becoming a doctor "wasn't realistic" for you. 
And that was the final straw. 
You didn't want to get out of bed when you were on study leave and supposed to review for your exams. You studied only because you had to help your friends..and to this day,you're so grateful to them..and 75% of your grade and scholarship should actually go to them.
You started biotech..at the beginning you were so excited about it and planned to get out of there and reapply to med school ASAP. But then..you started doubting yourself..more than you'd ever done before.You hated biotech..and still do.. self doubt ate you alive and paralysed you more than CP ever did. 
It still does. And..the "I can't,I can't I can't" returned..stronger than ever.
You tried to hate medicine because a part of you(or depression) was like "a doctor? You? Come on,are you kidding? You are..you. You...have CP,you are not smart. Everyone around you..they don't think you can do it..they think you're crazy" . But you failed. Your love for medicine got even stronger but at the same time..your depression got stronger as well. Some days it's so hard. Some days you don't care..you don't wanna get out of bed,you believe nothing is worth it,you believe your life is a waste and you just want to sleep forever. It's horrible.
But..guess what? Depression hasn't won yet. You are fighting. The old,determined you..is still in there. You lost 13 kg and walked for 8 km. You passed all your exams last semester. You wore shorts and a tank top and actually felt good in them. You learned to walk in flip flops. You got A on your human physiology exam.
Tiny things,yes. But things that you didn't think you could do this time last year.
You are fighting and you are working towards your huge goals list..even though you always feel like you never do enough and comparison is always there,lurking. 
"No matter how slowly you go,as long as you don't stop" they say.
 Keep going. Rest if you must..but don't give up. Take your time.

Have faith. Stay positive. Don't quit..you're gonna regret it. 

Don't give up...and one by one,you're gonna turn your "I can't"s into "I can"s. 

With love,
The Best Version of You.

.

mental health

A clean slate..

11:59 AM

Yes,I know I should be reviewing because my physiology exam is in a week and I want and NEED to do super well on it. But first..I need to write this down.
Two days ago I was sitting at my laptop trying to review but my eyes were teary and burning and I wouldn't stop yawning..don't you hate when that happens?
So I decided I had to read something other than my study material in order to reactivate my brain. I stumbled into a PDF of a book I forgot I had in my laptop "Breaking Night" by Liz Murray. I finished re-reading before lunch today and it made me cry. It's so beautiful...check it out if you haven't.
Elizabeth "Liz" Murray was born in 1980 in New York from heroin and cocaine addicted parents who loved her but would do anything for some more drugs. She grew  to protect them and help them in any way she could. She was especially close to her mother,Jeanie,who,on top of everything, was an alcoholic. 
In the book,Liz goes through all her life from early age to when she's 18. 
When she's about 17,Liz finds herself homeless because the old apartment she lived in with her parents got demolished,her dad lives in shelter and her mum and older sister,Lisa,live with a rather abusive and mean man,known simply as 'Brick' who initially was kind to Jeanie but then started treating her like garbage. Jeanie had always suffered from mental illness and was declared HIV positive when Liz was about 15.
After her mum died from AIDS,Liz realised she had to change what she could about the situation she was in..and that  the only thing she could change was her education. 
So she went back to school,completed  4 years of high school in 2 years and received a 12.000$/year scholarship for her to pay for college.
And on top of everything she got accepted to Harvard where she went for her undergraduate and graduate studies..eventually becoming a counsellor and motivational speaker. 
Amazing,right?
I realised..when I read about Liz having this dream of going to High School  and getting all As..going to college and graduating and making something good out of herself and her life..and knowing that she could at least TRY to do that..I realised I used to be exactly like her.
Driven. Determined. Hard working. Hopeful. But then..my last year of high school was so stressful and busy..I didn't get into med school and right before my final exams I fell in such deep depression and was so sad and exhausted I didn't want to get out of bed.
Then I graduated with high grades,won a scholarship and started feeling better...and looking at the future with a smile and hope. I applied to biotech and biology program,knowing that it wasn't what I wanted to do,but planning to drop out as soon as I got more independent and got  into med school.
But then.. my grandpa passed away,people started paying money to get into med school at the point that there were so many people following lectures that they had to sit on the floors. Now..I could have paid for my admission with my very own money from the scholarship..I could have got into a med school that was 3 hours from home. But despite it being completely unethical for everyone but the people who had been involved in the all papers stealing thing, I knew overcrowded schools weren't the right thing for me. I knew I yet wasn't independent enough to go to med school and on top of everything else..biotech had damaged my self esteem,taking it from low to virtually non existent. I sat a long 3 part multiple choice exam and barely passed despite giving it my all..studying as much as I possibly could. From there..everything got even worse and went downhill. I started getting more and more anxious and depressed..loathing every little bit of my being.
When I saw that I  had barely passed despite giving it my all..I thought "What else should I do? I gave it my all..I don't have  anymore to give. I was used to get good grades if I worked really really hard like I did for this exam. I can't possibly work any harder. If I suck at this stupid biotech thing,I have no chances in Med School. I give up. I'm a freakin' failure. I just wanna sleep.  And don't wake up anymore".
I was scared of sitting exams...I would postpone them and tell myself I would have done them "later" and then loathe myself even more because of that.
I still do this..even though I am trying my best,I seem not to have found what study method works for me or how can I get good grades,like my seemingly perfect classmates I can barely stand do. I'm still scared of tiny things and beyond stressed and although I sat more exams than last year and my grades were better than those this year..I still am nowhere I should be. As a former top student(I was one of the two people in my school district who were given a scholarship. And no. High School in Italy is not a walk in the park..I have pretty much the same knowledge a Ancient Literature college graduate would have,I checked ;) ) who worked her butt off  everyday but was rewarded with good grades..seeing that working as hard as I can isn't enough anymore broke me. It made me scared and stole that little bit of self confidence I had from me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a bit jealous of my classmates who seem perfect(seem is the key word here) and study and get great grades..and are beautiful and confident. I maybe need to get closer to them and learn from them..but being around them makes me feel like a huge failure. Darn pride.
I know I have  to think about my own path and don't give a monkeys about others' because I have my own goals and dreams and because I am me and not them. I know everyone takes his/her own time to accomplish things..I know I have my all life in front of me...for me to become a doctor and accomplish my goals. But sometimes it's so hard not to feel like a failure or under a lot of pressure. 
 In her book,  Liz Murray  writes that when she got  her blank transcripts from her new high school, she thought of them as "a clean slate"..a symbol of hope and of the new life she was starting to build for herself. And then,pencil in hand, she  filled them with rows of As..the As she knew she could take if she worked hard. The As she NEEDED to take..in order to come out of that dark hole life had put her into. 
In her book she also writes,she often pictured a runner in her head. A runner who would run her own run which was full of obstacles to overcome and who would never give up until she got to the finish line. She herself was the runner. And the obstacles were..well,the obstacles she faced during her life changing journey. They were as simple as "I want to sleep all day,I'm tired and cold. Wait..I need to go to school though..that's more important than a few more minutes of sleep!". 
I wish I could turn back time and be in first year again and have a "clean slate" as Liz calls it.
I can't do that. 
But I can decide I'm worthy of fighting for my dreams. 
I can decide to get up after I messed up. 
I can decide to give school my best shot. 
I can decide what kind of food to put into my body and be even healthier than I am now.
I can decide to adapt work outs to what I can do instead of getting angry at my CP because I can't do this or that move. 
I can decide to do something for myself and get an higher English proficiency certificate I've been wanting to take for years. I will take it this year. It'll  be my way to relax and hopefully my self esteem will benefit from it.
I can change some stuff about myself and about my situation.
I can  choose to have my goals in mind every morning when I get up,like I did when I was in High School.
I can't turn back time and I can't change everything.
Liz also writes every day is a clean slate..every day is a chance for you to change.
My clean slate starts today. 

I wrote for almost 2 hours..holy smokes. It felt so good but know I gotta go and do some serious review!
Those As won't write themselves,will they?




my stories

It's the little things in life...

1:42 PM


"My world is upside down"- PART 2

After kissing Laura goodbye for the 10th time,I took Aurore's little hand and we walked out of Elle's house.
-Mummy,now what? -she asked me,while we were heading to the car- We go play?
-What if we go grocery shopping first?-I suggested,while putting her in her car seat -And then we go home and play after that. Doesn't that sound fun?
At the word "grocery shopping" she grinned. She wasn't even 3 yet,and she was already as food obsessed as I was.
-Strawberries? Blueberries? Chocolate?
I chuckled.
-Yes,we'll get those as well.
Her eyes lit up. 
-Yay!
I gave her one of her favourite stuffed animals and I caressed her cheek. I always kept a few stuffed animals in the car,in order to keep the girls quiet and content during long trips.
I hopped into the car and buckled up. 
I then started driving to the nearest grocery store.
It was crazy how normal driving had become to me over the years. 
I had had quite a rough start with it back when I was in my teens. 
To start with,I hadn't taken my driving license at 16,like most of my peers had. In fact,at the time,I was too busy graduating high school early and filling up applications for college. 
I just didn't have the time to take it. 
Then I had moved,started college and started struggling with depression. 
And that had delayed taking my license even more.
I sighed. 
Depression had taken-and was still taking- so much from me. 
I stopped at a red light and quickly turned around to check on Aurore.
 -Hey baby...-I said- ..are you alright? Is Waffle fun?
-He fun. -she grinned -we there yet?
-Not yet,baby.  But we'll be there in a few minutes.
Five minutes later,we got to the grocery store. 
I got out of the car and strapped Aurore out of her car seat. I then locked the car and made a mental note of the exact spot where I had parked.
Aurore's eyes were sparkly. She loved the grocery store.
I held her hand and I looked at her in the eye.
-Okay,sweetie.- I told her- The grocery store is gonna be full of people and chaos. Never let my hand go,okay?
I expected her to nod and grin enthusiastically,as she usually did. But she didn't.
-My legs are tired..-she moaned-..can't walk. Mummy carry me?
Her eyes got even sparklier. 
-Please mummy.-she added
I looked at her genuinely excited expression and then I took my free hand to my growing belly. 
I hated the idea of telling her no. But,even though I was just 24 weeks along,I was already rather huge for my normally petite size and my balance wasn't that good anymore.  Quite a change from my first pregnancy, when,at 24 weeks,I was barely showing.
I looked at Aurore again. 
  If I held her and carried her,I could fall and hurt both her and the baby.
-Mummy? 
I smiled at her.
-Sweetheart..mummy can't hold you the whole time..-I forced myself to say.
Aurore's excited grin disappeared,so did the sparkle in her eyes.
I felt my heart breaking.
A couple of minutes later,I had a idea.
I grinned at Aurore.
-Come on,baby. -I told her -I had a fantastic idea. 
-Really?
There it was again. The sparkle in her eyes . 
As soon as I saw it,I felt a lot better.
-Yes. Hold my hand and follow me.
She held my hand and we walked towards the shopping carts.
I took one out of the row.
-Ready? -I asked Aurore with a smile.
-What,mummy? 
She was confused but her eyes were still sparkly.
-You'll see.-I winked at her -Ready?
She nodded.
Carefully,I lifted her up. Oh boy,was she heavy.
-Aww,you're getting so big,aren't you baby? -I whispered to myself.
I then carefully made her sit down in the shopping cart. 
-Are you comfortable like this,sweetie?-I asked her.
Aurore looked around.
I was sure it was because she wasn't expecting that.
At that moment I realised I  rarely had made the girls sit into the shopping cart before,even though I vividly remember my mum doing that with me when I was a kid.
I  then sighed,realising that I had  done that so rarely because I used to never go grocery shopping on my own with both Laura and Aurore in tow.
Not when I had to grocery shop for the week,anyway.
In that case, we always tried to grocery shop as a family,all four of us.
The girls loved the grocery store.
It was a great learning opportunity for them,as I would teach them colours and numbers and new words as we shopped.
Plus they were as food obsessed as I was.
For that reason, I tried to take them shopping with me anytime I could,including when we had to stock up on food for the week ahead.
And...every single time,Mark insisted to come with me.
"I know you can handle it on your own,Lizzie. But let me be your knight in the shining whatever for once".
That's what he always used to tell me before I could protest.
And that's how that "once" quickly turned into "every time".
My gosh,how much I missed him.
I felt my eyes filling with tears and blinked to get rid of them.
-Sweetie?- I repeated- Are you okay?
-Yes!
She grinned at me,holding her stuffed animal.
-Strawberries now?
-Oh yes.-I winked at her- We're gonna get all the strawberries we can find.








my stories

"My world is upside down"

12:51 PM


PART 1

I rinsed the last plate and put it on the rack to dry.
I wiped off my hands in a kitchen towel and then I sank on the couch. 
The kids were sleeping in their rooms upstairs. 
The house felt so..quiet. 
It was awfully quiet and awfully big for the 3 of us alone. 
I sighed loudly. I looked down at the coffee table..to grab the remote. And there it was. A picture from our wedding day. Framed..perfect. 
And in the picture,so were we. 
Perfect. 
We were living our happy,perfect ending. -I miss you. -I whispered-I miss you so much. 
I started sobbing. Sobbing..I grabbed my phone and I dialed my mum's number.  She picked up immediately. 
-hi,baby girl..-she said. 
I kept sobbing. -What's wrong? 
-mummy...-I whispered- Can I come home..for a bit? 
-Of course,baby. 
-I'll..I'll be there soon,then.

I sat up in bed,still feeling a little dizzy. I looked at Elle,and then at the papers she had given me. 
-are you..-she started-..how are you? She was looking at me like I were a delicate object that was about to break. 
-I..I..-I whispered-I think I'm gonna be sick. She gave me a basin and I threw up. 
After that..she gave me some water. 
I drank it all..and I felt a little bit better. -How are you?-she asked me. 
-I'm pregnant...and.. -I burst into tears. Elle held me. 
-It's okay,Liz. -she told me- It's okay to cry. It's okay. 
-I'm..having a baby...and.. 
-aren't you happy about it? 
-I'm.. 3 kids..how am I supposed to raise 3 kids on my own? Alone? 
-You are not alone.-she smiled at me-  you have me and Alex and your parents..and your sisters and all your friends.. 
-I..I can't. 3 kids. I can't. 
-do you..want..to terminate? 
-No! -I sobbed- of course,not! It's..Mark's baby. It's..my baby. -I paused- It's the last thing Mark left me. I took an hand to my belly. - I love him or her already. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kept tossing and turning in bed. 
It was 3 AM and I couldn't fall asleep.   
My back was killing me and I could feel a tension headache coming. 
After staring at the ceiling for 5 minutes, I gave up on sleep and got up. I wanted  myself some chamomile tea. While I was making my way out of the room,I heard Aurora's little voice..coming from her room. 
-Mama..mama... 
I walked into her room,and I saw her  standing up in her crib. 
-hi,sweetheart- I whispered- how are you? -Mama..mama.. 
-are you hungry,baby? 
She nodded. 
-Okay. -I smiled at her- Let's go and get you something to eat,okay? 
I scooped her out of her crib. I knew lifting heavy was not good for me,but sometimes I couldn't avoid it. 
I put her down on the floor. 
She walked behind me for a couple of minutes. 
-Up! Up! -she started- Mama, up! 
She had such an excited expression on her face..I couldn't tell her no. 
-Ok,sweetie.-I said,lifting her up once again. -Come here. 
We got downstairs and I put Aurora in her highchair. 
I then put the kettle on,for my tea and I started heating up a bottle for her. 
-mummy loves you so much,baby girl. 
-I luv you,mama..-she said- nose kiss?   
-Nose kiss it is. 
I got closer to her and I started rubbing my nose against hers. 
-mummy..my tummy roarrr.. 
-oh,it is? -I giggled- you must be really hungry then. 
She nodded. 
I took the bottle and I tested it on my hand to see if it was warm enough.
I noticed Aurora smiling mischievously. I figured she was up to something. She was so cute when she smiled that way.
-Mama..-she started-...me cookie?
I smiled at her and caressed her cheek.
I knew she would have asked me for a cookie to have with her milk. 
Not even 3 years old and she was already as food obsessed as I was. 
And she also had quite a sweet tooth,once again,much like I did.
-You're definitely my baby girl,aren't you? -I asked her,with a smile in my voice -now..what do you need to say when asking for something?
She seemed to be thinking about it.
-What's the magic word you have to say? -I tried to help her -Come on,I know you know..
A few seconds passed. 
Then,she suddenly lit up. Her big blue eyes got even bigger,and sparkly.  
I figured she must had remembered the word.
-please mama,cookie?
-Well done. -I whispered while placing a kiss on her forehead - Now you can have your cookie.
-Yay!! -she was excited- Oreos?
-Mmmm...
I started rummaging in the snack cabinet,looking for some cookies to give her. 
I realised I had hardly  bought any cookies and sweet treats in the previous weeks. Not as much as I used to buy when we lived in Boston,anyway.
Living in L.A. meant that both my family and Mark's were a 10 to 30 minutes drive from me.
That meant that it was much easier for Mrs Freedman to stuff us full with yummy cookies and sweet treats of any kind.
Oh,the joys of having a super talented pastry chef as a mother in law.
Working at the bakery and baking her heart away helped her a lot. 
She gave me and the girls massive amounts of sweet treats,that seemed to never end..every other day or so. 
I loved all of them so much but I of course couldn't eat them all..nor could the girls. So we ate some and shared the rest around.  I used to bring a lot of goodies over to the hospital,for example. That same morning I brought  there the very last batch of sugar cookies she had given us,aware of the fact that the next lot of sweet treats would have come very soon.
-Mama,cookie,please?
Aurora's little voice interrupted my flow of thoughts.
-Yes,baby. -I said-  You're right. Just a sec. After a few more minutes of rummaging in the cabinet,I found a small pack of regular Oreo cookies.
-OREOS!! -Aurora squealed as soon as she saw them- Yay!
-Shhhhh,sweetie. -I whispered,while opening the pack -It's very late at night,Laura is sleeping upstairs. So we have to be quiet,alright? Really quiet.
I took my index finger to my lips.
-Shhhhhh.
Aurora did the same. She loved copying what I did..she was basically a mini me,much to my disappointment.
-Shhhhh. Quiet. -she repeated- Shhhh.
-Very good,baby. 
I managed to get the pack open without ripping the paper too much or making a mess with the crumbs.
I gave Aurora a cookie and her bottle.
-Fank you,mama.-she said,while biting into the cookie
-You're welcome. Is that yummy?
She nodded.
I grinned.
-Really yummy?
She shoved the rest of the cookie in her mouth. 
-Yes! -she paused- But Ganny cookies are yummiest!
I caressed her cheek. She couldn't say "Granny" quite yet. But she was getting there. I was sure she would have learned to say it properly soon.
-Are they yummier than Oreos?
-Yes! 
-Wow. -I smiled at her- We gotta tell Granny about it tomorrow,then.
Aurora started drinking her milk. 
She seemed pretty content.
-Is that yummy? -I asked her-Is that warm enough?
-Yes,mama.
-I am glad.
At that moment,the kettle whistled. The water was boiling.
 I took my favorite mug and I put a bag of chamomile tea in it. 
Then I poured boiling water from the kettle on it..filling up the mug. 
Lastly,I sugared it and stirred it through,so that the sugar could melt in the hot water.
I sat at the counter,in front of Aurora.      
My headache was getting worse.  I took my head in my hands,and started rubbing my temples with my fingers,in a circular 
motion. 
That usually helped me a bit with the pain.
I had been suffering from tension headaches since I was in High School..I was used to them. 
Being pregnant,however,seemed to be the perfect trigger for them. 
At that point,20 weeks into my pregnancy, I had started  to get one at least once a day.  
I sighed,as I took a sip of tea. 

mental health

A conversation with Evie..

12:18 PM



I don't know where this blog post is gonna get to,what direction it's gonna take. 
To be be honest,I don't even know if this is gonna be a proper blog post or just a series of random thoughts put together.
I haven't blogged in a while. 
To be honest,I haven't written much these days either. I do have some ideas for new scenes and I have to rewrite the grocery shopping scene (see my last blog post for more info about it) and hopefully post it on here when it's done. 
But..I just didn't get around to actually elaborate and transform my ideas into a proper story.
This morning I felt so sick that I decided to take a break from Twitter because Evie has woken up again and started bothering me again.
She brought her big guns with her,too. Comparison is one of the most dangerous and powerful weapons she loves to hurt me with.  
It leads to self loathing and isolation(feeling like I should be left alone forever or strongly wishing I could become one with the walls),hence the Twitter break.
I don't know how long my break will last,I hope it won't be too long. 
I hope Evie will get back to sleep soon.
Here is how a conversation with Evie usually goes. She usually starts bothering me at night,when I am in bed,trying to fall asleep..or in the morning,before I get up.
Evie: "Hey. I'm back! Did you miss me?"
Me: "No. Please,leave me alone. Go back to sleep".
Evie: "Oh no,I just woke up...I wanna have fun!"
Me: "No. Go away. "
Evie: "So..how did your day go?"
Me: "I had fun. My Twitter friends are lovely. They actually like me! And my friend B from uni and I had lunch together today..we talked! I think she likes me too. She's always so kind to me and she listen to what I say and she doesn't pretend I'm not there!"
Evie: "Mmmmm. Actually,she does not like you. She's kind because she pities you and she's gonna leave you. Everyone does,remember? You better not get attached as you usually do. Pathetic."
Me: "Shut up. And then there's my friend I. She's so sweet and kind. I love sitting with her at English. I help her. I love doing that. I missed helping people with homework and such. I love English class..I actually feel like the old me again. I feel..somewhat competent. I feel like I actually know something!"
Evie: "That's basic level,that's why you feel like you know something. If you were to take a more advanced level class,you wouldn't last 2 seconds. And you would fail at the only thing you're supposed to be decent at. You're not smart. You're not bright. You are a waste of space."
Me: "Shut up. Leave me alone".
Evie: "You need to leave Twitter for good..you're not smart enough to be on there and to talk to people. You don't even know what you're talking about most of the time! You're not  a med student,nor a doctor,nor someone smart or funny or caring or kind. You just bother."
Me: "I don't! I have friends on there..they are so kind..they like me. I like being part of the Twitter community. Now,could you please leave me alone? I want to write something."
Evie: "oh..that stupid grocery shopping scene? How cute. 
You know that' s stupid,don't you? 
You know those people were right,don't you?
You..will never have any of that.  Well..let me be kind,maybe you can have the saddest bits. 
Come on,seriously? You are..you. "
Me: "Oh yes..I..forgot. You're right. I am..me."
Evie: "you will never do that or anything else in life,for that matter. Wake up,Sleeping Beauty. No one really likes you. You're just a bother. Always been,always will be.
Me: "You're mean. *sobs* My friend L might come over this summer. She says she wants to hang out with me. So you're wrong. She's my friend."
Evie: "You are gonna bore her to tears. You are boring and not fun,remember?"
Me: "I..shut up, you,evil monster! That's not true!
Evie: "I beg your pardon?"
Me: "I meant..yes, ma'am. I remember."
Evie: "Now..that's better."




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