ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...: 2015

A note on gratitude..

6:25 AM

On Thanksgiving,people all over the United States,gather around a table full of yummy food to say what they're thankful for.

Now..as many of you know,I'm not American so I've never celebrated Thanksgiving.

As far as I know..Thanksgiving is about spending time with family and most of all about gratitude.

Gratitude.

In the past year,I've learned that gratitude is not only a great feeling to live life by,but also a very powerful state of mind.

In fact..having an attitude of gratitude can make or break your day.

Having an attitude of gratitude can make you look at life differently.

Pretty impressive,uh?

Gratitude is powerful.

Even when I feel at my worst,when the little evil monster that houses my mind wakes up and starts telling me bad things,I've found that if I focus on what I'm grateful for,I actually feel better. A lot better.

Gratitude is a powerful weapon to fight against my naughty little monster. When I manage to stop,look around and actually think about what I'm grateful for..the monster suddenly loses its power.

So..what or,most of all, who am I grateful for? Thinking of whom helps me in my fight against my evil monster?

I'll try and make a little list.

First of all..I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for my mum,who can always understand when I feel down..who can cook the yummiest food in the entire world and is always ready to give me a hug.

I'm grateful for my dad..who always buys me my favorite chocolate,makes me laugh and always wants me to kiss him goodbye before I leave for school.

I'm grateful for my brother,for all his pranks and all the annoying songs he loves singing in my ear when I'm trying to focus.

I'm grateful for my uncle,for his funny text messages and for the fact that,to this day still,he often calls me princess.

I'm grateful for my aunt,for the super yummy food she cooks,for the driving lessons she gives me, for

the tv shows we enjoy watching together.

I'm grateful for my other aunt...because we're basically the same person. I'm grateful for her... for all the times she helps me out,for all the times I called her in tears and she fixed me.

I'm grateful for my cousin..for the fact that he is always positive,for the fact that he gifted me a stethoscope and my walker...for the fact that he tells me I can become a doctor and shows me he believes in me.

I'm grateful for my walker..because it has changed my life and gave me the key to independence.

I'm grateful for my puppy..for his chewing on socks,licking my face and just being adorable all the time.

I'm grateful for my friends.
I'm grateful for Nicoletta because..after 6 long years,she's still by my side.
I'm grateful for Valentina,for all her calls during 5 years of school,for coming over to see me last year on Christmas Eve.
I'm grateful for Giacomo,for being the best deskmate ever.
I'm grateful for Tullio..for his kindness.
I'm grateful for Sara and her family, for the fact that they basically adopted me for a few hours every Saturday for 8 months,for the fact that they believed in me more than I did...for the yummy food and the laughs we shared together.
I will be forever grateful for Sara(yes,another Sara) for introducing me to writing when we were 10. Thank you. So much.
I'm grateful for Beatrice,for her kindness and sweetness. For the fact that she wipes my tears when I need her to,reads my stories and is genuinely interested in them. For her: "I cried when I read that scene,I love your writing".
I'm grateful for Erica and Betty..for our talking about food and our "English lessons" during lunch break.

I'm grateful for Elly..for her sweetness and kindness..for her "we'll go check out that shop together next time if you want".
I'm grateful for Luisa,for our afternoon together eating ice cream and strolling around the mall..for the passions we share,for her kindness.

I'm grateful,so grateful, for my Twitter friends.
If they had told me I would have made so many friends and would have gone through so many experiences thanks to social media..I'm sure I wouldn't have believed a word. But I did meet so many wonderful people,learned so many things..all thanks to a Twitter profile I made on a whim,3 years ago.
I have so many Twitter friends to be grateful for.
I'll try to make a list of them..but it's not easy,they're so many!
Well...let's start.
First of all,I'm grateful for Lyss,without whom I wouldn't have joined Twitter.

I'm so incredibly grateful for Fi because she's so amazing and she has taught me so much..because she has taught me what incredible power lies in an attitude of gratitude and how to love myself. I would be weak and powerless against my evil monster,if it wasn't for her.

Thank you so so much Fi. You are amazing and you rock!!
I'm so grateful for Liz..for everything she does for me. For our Skype calls,for our yoga sessions,for her teaching me how to pronounce some words correctly while I teach her Italian. For the hours of time difference separating us.. for our watching Grey's Anatomy "together",for our being each others' alarm clock,for her being there for me when my grandpa passed and I was sad and alone...for her being amazing.
Thank you. So much.
I'm grateful for Jess who is amazing and was there for me when I was crying all my tears on the couch,unable to stop. You are amazing,dear.
I'm grateful for Maria,for her amazing passion and drive,for her wonderful neuroethics video,for how inspiring she is and for her being simply amazing. You go,girl!
I'm grateful for @CraveHappy1 for telling me I could make it through Gen Chem and that I shouldn't give up on my dream of becoming a doctor.
I'm grateful for @FutureNYBSN because she's always so sweet and kind and she's always there for me...because she told be being a doctor is in my blood and that I have a big heart.
I'm grateful for @doctormeowskis and @studentdoctordiva who taught me the power of resilience and hardwork.

I'm grateful for @biologyinheels who was among the first people to tell me my worth was based on me.

I'm grateful for @BrunetteMDToBe who was there for me when I was broken and who is always so sweet and kind to me.

I'm grateful for @sassymd for telling me I was bright.

I'm grateful for Vick and @AnnoyedandTired because they read my blog and they believe in me.

I'm grateful for Ruth,for her passion and resilience,for her being my friend...for her being an absolute star. You are amazing,keep going!

I'm grateful for Xan..for his being there for me when I needed him,for his kind words,for the time he spent dreaming with me..for the fact that he made me feel good.

I'm grateful for Andrew,who called me "drop dead gorgeous".

I'm grateful for @premedicalpug because she told me not to cancel my profile.

I'm grateful for @docA because she simply rocks. Because she talks to me and she's my friend.

I'm grateful for @sicklecelldoc because she's one of my role models and she's so amazing.

I'm grateful for @lauralacquer and @andreatooley..for their blogs and videos,for how much they inspire me,for them being such good role models to me.

I'm grateful for @premed_odyssey and @rn_soontobe because they believe in me.

I'm grateful for @bipolarblogger and @thefinch because they are amazing. I'm grateful for Giulia(@MMMjuliette)because she's so amazing and supportive of me and my dream of becoming a doctor. You rock.

I'm grateful for Theresa because she's so amazing and sweet,she's a great nurse and she inspires me so much.

I'm grateful for Sofia because she is just so so amazing and sweet. For the fact that she's there when I need her,for the fact that she loves reading my stories and she takes a minute to tell me what she thinks about them.

I'm grateful for Hannah..for her attitude,for her calling me "star", for #chronicmedics.

I'm grateful for Clare..for her being there for me when I need her,for her coming up with ideas for a present I had to make.

I'm grateful for Amanda,for being one of my role models and for telling me I'm going to be an amazing pediatrician.

I'm grateful for Magali for her being so sweet and kind,for her talking to me,for her being my

friend.

I'm grateful for Sarah..for teaching me one can love both medicine and humanities at the same time.

I'm grateful for Sarah(yes,another Sarah) for her correcting my wrong English every time. Grazie mille,cara.

I'm grateful for Liz..for her sweetness and kindness,for her blog,for her sending me yummy recipes.

I'm grateful for Becky because she's so sweet,kind and strong and because she's my friend.

I'm grateful for Emily because,no matter how bad she's feeling,she always has a kind word for me.

I'm grateful for Joe,for his help in chemistry and for him being among the first people to wish me happy birthday.

I'm grateful for Scott,for his being there for me when I was broken.

I'm grateful for Kate for her being so sweet and kind to me,for her nominating me in a challenge.

I'm grateful for Bianca..for her kindness,for our multi language chats.

I'm grateful for Kasia because she's simply amazing.

I'm grateful for Laura..for her Skyping to me on my birthday.

I'm grateful for Katie,for everything she has done for me.

And,last but not least,I'm grateful for the people who left me because they taught me I could get up on my own.

Thank you.

mental health

Comparison

9:15 AM

"Comparison is the thief of joy".
Who hasn't heard this saying at least once in their life?
It is a very wise,truthful and meaningful thought indeed.
I just wish it was easier for me to remember about it and to apply it to my daily life.
As far as I remember..I've always compared myself to other people..especially in school.
I've always tried to be the best or at least among the best people in my class. And I was,most of the time.
Being good at school let me help my other classmates with homework and this was my favorite thing to do.
I would spend hours on the phone with a friend..explaining to her what this or that meant or how to translate this or that from Ancient Greek or Latin.
I just loved doing that..I felt like I had a place in my class..like I were..useful.
Then I graduated.
I got into my program...and I started struggling.
I wasn't among the best anymore. I wasn't the one to whom people asked for help anymore.
I was used to ask people for help with my walking and such..but the times I had asked help with homework were very few.
Comparison started becoming more and more present in my mind as the day went by. It was like an annoying voice I had at the back of mind that gradually got louder and louder.
Initially it was just a whisper,then it slowly turned into a loud scream that filled up my mind and made me unable to think about anything else...anything else than how worthless I was compared to other people
Here is what that evil voice told me(and still tells me):
" Do you see that girl there?
She's so beautiful. She's so sweet.She's so kind.
She has a boyfriend and they seem so perfect together. Kids love her,she teaches little girls ballet.
She can cook and bake.
She's so clever..she loves math..she's so good at it that she tutors kids.
She writers poems. She's..amazing.
And you?
You are the complete opposite.
You..hate math. You're anything but beautiful. You're not sweet..at least not outside of your stupid writing.
You can't write poems..only other..uhm..stuff. You don't have the courage to publish them because you can't stand harsh judgement.
You are nothing compared to her or to anyone of your friends.
You are nothing."
Sometimes this voice becomes so strong and so annoying that everything acts as a trigger. I am forced to take a break from Twitter.
I get quiet...because the voice tells me I should do my best to become invisible.
My writing becomes sad.
I become sad.
Comparison sucks.
Comparison is the thief of joy,indeed.
If only I remembered about it more often.

mental health

Monster brain attacks..

1:16 PM

I was having a good time..studying genetics from my textbook and loving every bit of it.

Then it hit me.

I started worrying about stupid paperwork- like stuff for uni I haven't taken care of yet because every time I try to take my laptop and open that stupid glitchy uni website..I just become so scared and anxious that I start shaking from top to toe and crying my eyes out.

I have no idea why. It just scares me to death.

I am afraid of making a silly mistake and lock myself out or cancel everything or stuff like that. I'm afraid of being scolded and being called stupid and dumb.

Everytime I make a mistake..it acts like super food to my monster-brain.

Once it has been fed..my brain goes crazy and it begins acting like a monster to me..by telling me all sort of bad things.. By making me cry and shake like a leaf...by making me hate everything I was loving a minute earlier( in fact,I had to close my genetics textbook shut and to walk away. And I still want to throw "So many Everests"straight into the fire,and to delete all my drafts for the chapters from my phone. I cried on the Italian version of "For the first time in forever" because it was umbearable for me to listen to at the moment).

Here are some stuff my brain is telling me right now:

"You suck. You're horrible.

You're the clumsiest person on the face of this planet. No one loves you..not even your parents or your puppy,even!

You will never be a doctor*evil laugh* because you are wrong for that job and you will never be enough..no matter what you do...no matter how much you love medicine.

You don't have friends..you will never have any.

No one likes you. People are kind to you just because they pity you. People pity you.

You are the most stupid,unworthy person ever.

You are 20 years old..for heaven's sake,would you stop dreaming?

You can't live out of dreams..mum told you,remember?

Hope doesn't exist..it's crap. Life sucks and will suck forever.

Suck it up,and,for heaven's sake,stop bothering.

She was right..being a doctor isn't realistic for you.

For heaven's sake..you need to stop writing that stupid crappy stuff..you're no longer 12,dear.

You will never have any bit of what you want because...news flash,you are you! And you suck.

Did you look at yourself in the mirror lately? You're ugly..nobody will ever want to date you,let alone marry you.

All your "friends" are perfect..you suck. All your "friends" have a boyfriend..you've never had one..doesn't that tell you anything about yourself?

You cheer up about stupid achievements like closing a plastic bag with a knot or braiding 3 strings...or peeling an apple. God,you are so pathetic.

You freak out about tiny things..everywhere you go,you get lost. You are afraid of getting trapped in elevators.

You are pathetic and horrible.

You are so stupid..and you write stupid fantasies.

You are so stupid.

You will never write that happy final scene because it's right for your silly little bubble to be full of sadness. It's how it has to be..it's more realistic than those stupid happy scenes you enjoyed writing years ago. Remember? You used to browse the Merck Manual for hours and hours in the summer nights because you had to do your stupid medical research for your stupid chapter.

And you used to lose the track of time while browsing through this or that coagulation disorder because it mesmerized you.

How pathetic.

You are stupid and dreams are crap. "

life

Talks. And feeling a bit better.

11:31 PM

I had a couple of very good days..although I've been feeling very sleepy all the time and I couldn't do much revision.

Today I really need to revise a lot and I'm kinda looking forward to it.

This week has been quite productive...on the non revision side of things,at least.

Of course I felt down last Tuesday..but I was prepared. I've just tried to keep myself as busy as possible,so that would be less painful,I guess.

I did some revision,a lot of chores(I found out I love doing laundry!),I finally sent out some packages(yay!) and I finally conquered my fears and anxieties and got some uni related stuff done.

Yes,it's lame..but going on my uni's website makes me super anxious,I have no idea why.

I also broke down on Friday afternoon..cried for a good hour and told my mum everything or almost everything

I told her about how I feel,about what my silly brain tells me from time to time,about how I don't like uni that much..about peer pressure and,most importantly,about how much I love medicine and I want to do that in life.

Surprisingly,I found out she wasn't mad about it a couple of days ago. Apparently,she was worried about me.

I told her why I decided not to apply this year and how difficult has been for me to take such decision.

And how difficult has been for me to find out that I could have done a lot better than last time on that stupid admission test.

I told her that sometimes my brain tells me that I am "just me",I'm stupid and worthless and I can't do anything because I feel like I am never "enough".

I told her I knew that everyone has those feelings sometimes and that self doubt is human...but I feel like they crash me and play with me in any way they want..because sometimes I have absolutely no control over them.

I told her sometimes it's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because I feel like there's no point. Because I lost hope and I'm sick.

I told her I've never talked to her about it before because I didn't want her to worry.

She told me I am amazing and caring and that I can do whatever I want.

She told me to try and get my degree even though I don't like it. I can and I will apply again to med school next year of after I graduate.

She also told me I can move to England after I graduate..so..whooohoo.

I don't really know if or how I'll do it but..I think the UK is definitely in my future..if not for moving there(and hopefully doing medicine there,maybe? *dreams*) at least for a long vacation.

I'm British at heart after all!

After we talked I felt a lot lot better. I actually couldn't stop dancing!

Today I feel more confident.

I feel like I actually have a chance and can become a doctor and do what I love.

I actually could write a happy-ish scene later. Because,let's say it, grey sad Liz is truly no fun.

I have a couple of ideas in mind and I think I finally picked out a name for the new character. But that's gonna be a secret until I write the "last" scene..that I'll probably publish on here if I can.

Soon I'll do the Starlight Award thing..I'm finally feeling up to it,I think. Thank you,Kate..for thinking about me. You're amazing.

I might blog more often..who cares if my English isn't perfect? ;)

After all..this has to be mostly for me,right? ;)

my stories

Elizabeth.

1:23 AM

Elizabeth is the protagonist of my silly little stories. She's keeping me company for..8 years now. Wow..where did time go?

That's..a bit shocking,to be honest. I didn't realize I was this..old.

But..who's Elizabeth? How is she like?

Well..I'll try and explain.

Elizabeth is..complicated(like every woman,you would say!)yet so simple.

Elizabeth is a mess inside but,most of the time,she's able to hide it.

Elizabeth can seem frail..but inside she's a tough cookie.

Elizabeth would go into a fire for family and friends.

Elizabeth has suffered a lot..she has been let down by people she cared about..but that made her stronger.

Elizabeth is stubborn. So stubborn that,if she hit her head against a wall,the wall would crack.

Elizabeth likes reading medical journals because she loves medicine so much.

Elizabeth has a major sweet tooth and she's a chocoholic.

Elizabeth likes country music and all those sweet slow pace love songs that make you all mellow inside.

Elizabeth loves reading.

Elizabeth loves food and indulging on a glass of white wine from time to time.

Elizabeth is a domestic goddess in training(Uhm..she still needs loads of training though).

Elizabeth loves her friends.

Elizabeth likes scarves and cardigans and dresses and funny socks.

Elizabeth loves scented candles.

Elizabeth is anxious sometimes..and she's often afraid to be left alone once again.

Elizabeth is kind..maybe too kind. She's polite,maybe too polite. She's sweet,maybe too sweet.

Elizabeth always forgives people. If she makes a mistake,she can't stop saying sorry.

Elizabeth cries often. She cries when she's sad..when she's mad,when she's happy,when she's broken. She's not ashamed of crying in public.

Every time someone does something for her..Elizabeth is amazed by the fact that..that person has actually thought of her.

Elizabeth worries. She worries a lot..when she probably should learn that sometimes it's good and necessary not to give a monkeys about what others think.

Elizabeth loves kids. In fact,she's still a kid at heart who believes in fairytales.

Elizabeth loves coffee and cookies dipped in coffee.

Elizabeth loves people(especially little people,see above) and she likes being able to create a long term relationship with them..that's why she chose pediatrics as her specialty.

Elizabeth can seem dark and twisty sometimes..but deep inside,she still hopes. In fact her daughter's name is Aurore. (Yes..it's French. Elizabeth loves languages.).

Elizabeth doesn't like to give up.

Elizabeth is clumsy.

Elizabeth is insecure.

Elizabeth is haunted by self doubt.

Elizabeth and self esteem don't get along well sometimes.

Elizabeth sometimes is her own worst enemy.

Elizabeth sometimes thinks of herself as a bother,a burden or a charity case.

Elizabeth sometimes feels worthless.

Elizabeth is going through a difficult time right now but she's going to have her happy ending one day..hopefully soon.

Actually..Elizabeth is me.

mental health

It's me we're talking about

1:52 AM

"It's ME we're talking about. ME. "

This is one of the thoughts that haunts me the most.

It crashes me. It makes difficult for me to breathe...to sleep..to live.

I feel like I have Everest to climb( just like the protagonist of one of my favorite books) like I try and try but I can't climb it.

I wish I were like those people who don't seem to have dreams..or at least who can settle.

I wish all of this was easier.

I wish I didn't have CP..I wish I was more independent and not so scared.

I wish I liked my course more. I try. I swear.

There hasn't been 1 day since October when I didn't study. Once I had high fever,an headache and a terrible cough..but I still studied.

Even now that I am on holiday,I brought my chem textbook with me. I tried to study on the train..I try to study during the day..even though it's impossible because there are things to do,places to go,people visiting..it never ends. Plus..somehow,opening that textbook kinda makes me throw up and have some kind of anxiety attack.

"It's ME we're talking about. ME"

Here it is,again.

"You live in a fairytales..you live out of dreams".

"If you don't do well here,you have no chances in med school".

"You have to take Chemistry in med school..you know that,right? "

"You can't talk..you're not a doctor"

"You can't tell people you want to graduate as a doctor and then think about boys and love. It's weird"

Peer pressure also destroys me. I literally can't breathe when I see people who are only a little bit older than me and have a degree and are successful.

I feel terrible and wrong..I feel like I'm a total failure.

Why is life so difficult?

Why can't I understand chem problems?

Why can I devour biology/medicine textbooks no problem?

Why is problem solving so difficult on me?

Why have I started to be ashamed of what I dream and want to do?

Maybe I was brought up like this.

Why do people look at me with compassion if I tell them I want to go to med school?

Why is the admission process so stupid?

Why can't I help anyone..ever?

Why can't I help MYSELF?

Why do I always feel so helpless,scared and alone?

What's so wrong with me?

mental health

Am I a control freak?

12:42 AM

I cry. That's just something I do.

I always cry..for different reasons.

I cry when I'm super angry. I cry to release all my fears,anxieties and worries.

I cry when I'm sad and broken.

I'm crying right now and I'm not really sure why.

Maybe because of all the reasons I wrote above..maybe because of none of them. Maybe because of something entirely different..maybe because of no reason at all.

That's funny..because I never cry(nor cried when I was younger) when I fall and,let's say,get hurt. My mum worries every time I fall..but I just smile and get up right away.

<< Don't worry,I'm fine>> that's what I always say.

I am a tough cookie on the outside. I can pretend to be happy and to have everything under control.

On the inside however I'm a total mess. I don't know whether I've always been a mess or if I became one this past year.

I've always had my moments of crying..my summer late night hours where I couldn't sleep...all of these things.

My thoughts..my "moments" ..they're like old friends to me. I know them..they know me. We can live together..with each other. I can kick them out of my mind for a little bit. Or at least..I was able to do that.

Writing helped. Making up characters,lives,stories..places. Being transported into another world..into my little happy bubble on which I had control. Not having CP anymore..being beautiful and kind and smart. Having a nice job and a nice family. Of course,my characters too went through bad moments..but I mostly wrote about them being happy..with their simple yet perfect life.

Now writing doesn't really help anymore. Sometimes I find myself hating and canceling stuff I wrote months ago..happy scenes. I find myself hating those. I start crying and getting mad.

I know life is..life and you can't have total control over it..the same control you have when you write something.

Sometimes I wish I had it.

mental health

Let's talk about it.

7:15 AM

WARNING:I'm no expert in the topic I'll talk about in this post. I'm not a doctor,nor a therapist. I don't have any certified knowledge nor training. I honestly don't think I know much about the topic..nothing but what I learned and still learning from my very personal experience. Views are mine.

Let's talk about it. Let's talk about depression and anxiety.

As I said above..I'm no expert whatsoever. I'm in fact barely out of my teens.

But I think depression and anxiety are very important topics and I'd like to talk about it.I,for one, have always been anxious. I'm anxious about everything...going places,seeing people,taking a test,going to a place I've never been before...you name it.

Since I was about 11 I've been terrified of going places..like little shops and stuff like that.

I'm not claustrophobic,it's not that. But after 5 minutes I've been into a shop,my brain disconnects,my heart starts pounding,I start shaking from top to toe.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's because,after I've been on my feet for 5 minutes,I get super tired and I need to sit down and if I see no chairs around I start panicking.

It's really stupid. I know. But I can't always sit on the ground. And my CP and staying on my feet don't really get along.

Maybe now that I have my walker,this issue will be solved..as long as I take my walker with me everywhere I go.

Sometimes I get anxiety attacks that prevent me from living normally. Sometimes my fears and anxieties fill up my head so much that I literally cannot think about anything else(happened a couple of weeks ago).

Sometimes I get panic attacks. I start breathing faster and faster,my heart starts pounding,I start sweating, I get pins and needles all over my body,I can't walk straight and..-be prepared,this is weird- I start speaking and thinking only in English..that,as many of you already know,is my second language.

Yes,my brain is weird.

I've always been anxious about this or that. Anxiety is horrible.

I don't know whether I am depressed or not.

I haven't been evaluated for that..nor I have been to a therapist recently.

I just get these..terrible moments where I feel like everything is falling apart..like everything is slipping out of control..like I were in a car and I had lost control over it.

Sometimes I have breakdowns..lasting up to 30 minutes. I cry,cry and cry until I feel better.

Sometimes all the crying leaves me with puffy red eyes and makes it hard for me to breathe.

Sometimes I feel like I'm useless and a waste of space..a bother..a burden..a mistake.

Sometimes I think I shouldn't even be alive..that everyone would be better off without me.

During these horrible moments I actually thought about overdosing on pills and just getting over with it..but the rational part of me took over all the times.

Sometimes I don't want to get up in the morning.

Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever.

Sometimes I feel like a horrible person and a failure. And it's not exam time only.

It's (almost) all the time since..October.

Sometimes I just found myself thinking: "what's the point of trying? I'll end up being a burden and failure anyway. What's the point?".

I somehow convinced myself that my parents wouldn't have loved me anymore if I hadn't got good grades at uni and that made me so sick. Thank God I now have their word it's not true and it's just my brain being silly.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to somehow show people I CAN do medicine...which is my passion(at least ,it's one of them) and what I want to do with my life.

I often feel like I'm not enough.

Not clever enough. Not brainy enough. Not sweet enough. Not kind enough. Not enough.

The point of all this rambling though is not ranting about how blah I feel,about the problems I have and such.

As I said..I do know I have anxiety. However I do not know if I could be diagnosed with proper depression or if it's just my stupid mind making up things.

Literally the only thing that works for me when I have breakdowns and anxiety attacks..is letting it all out..whether by crying or writing..or emailing a dear friend of mine who's always there for me..or going on Twitter where there are a lot of lovely people who are there to listen to me and talk to me.

I'm proud..I don't like asking for help and I'm terrified by the thought of bothering people or being clingy and annoying. But I'm learning that I need help sometimes. That I am human. That I can be weak from time to time. That I don't always need to put up a brave face and push through pain...like it was nothing..like it didn't hurt. I'm learning to ask for help.

As I said,I'm not a doctor nor an expert in the field..but..if you feel like I feel..please..talk to someone. A friend,a relative..a teacher.

Or..if you don't want to talk because you don't want to bother or you can't talk..write down everything that goes through your mind..just to let it all out. No one has to read what you wrote. It's for you and for you only.

You can cancel everything after you've done writing..without even reading through it once.

Please don't isolate. You don't deserve pain. You don't deserve to be alone nor to suffer. Easier said than done,I know.

Once you ask for help..once you find a friend..once you realize someone is indeed there for you,once you realize that you're not alone..little by little everything becomes more bearable.

The sun will rise again..sooner or later.

I promise.

life

Falling. And getting up.

3:57 PM

I literally have been tripping and falling since I was 4,which is when I learned to walk.

I used to fall all the time.

And..little by little I started to learn how to get up.

It was difficult,my CP causes me to have balance issues and to walk in a funny way. But I got up. My way,but I did it.

I still do it. My way,with my time..but I do it. I get up when I fall.

I aced biology despite being sick.

I failed chemistry.

But I didn't cry like I thought I would have.

I'm just going to study better,differently(not really more because I think I'd go crazy) and I'll pass it.

By acing biology I proved to myself that I can do science.

That my brain still works and that I'm still a good student.

It might take me more time than most..but sooner or later I'll get into med school and be a medic and eventually a doctor.

I get mad at myself because my brain understands biology and foreign languages better than math or chem problems.

I start doubting myself,I start loosing faith in my dreams and I start feeling insignificant,stupid..not enough.

I used to fall a lot when I was little.

I still fall..both physically speaking and academically speaking. I fell today.

But guess what?

I got up. And I'll try to do the same everytime I'll fall again in the future.

I'll get up..instead of giving up.

I got up today. I'll keep getting up.

CP doesn't have me..I have it. All those people who don't think I can make it..they don't have the power to break me.

I got up. I'll get up.

Giving up is not an option.

mental health

Stop

7:37 AM

Stop.

I want all of this to stop.

I don't want to be anxious and depressed anymore.

I don't want to keep having wonderful people taking care of me.

I don't want to make those said people sick of me.

I want my blog posts to be nice and to inspire people.

I live on a thread.

I'm so scared of losing people I'm friends with because I went wrong with something unknown to me and they got mad,walked away and abandoned me.

It has been happening since I started school..since I was 6.

People never wanted to be with me. The only thing I wanted was a friend.

I got traumatized by all of these being left alone that I started thinking of myself as a burden and a bother.

I think disabled people often think like this of themselves.

Even though now I have my walker..sometimes I still feel like a burden,a bother,a mistake..a waste of space.

Yes..I'm whining. I know.

I hope it'll get better.

mental health

Rambling

6:54 AM

In the beginning,I wanted to write a happy blog post because a dear friend of mine cheered me up this morning with a long chat..and I've been feeling relatively happy until now.

But then once again I started feeling little and insignificant and pathetic.

There is so much desire to help others in my heart.

Simply because it makes me feel good. I feel like I found my place in the world when I help someone.

I wanted to write a blog post about my CP..I've been wanting to write one for a while now.

But then I think it wouldn't help anyone. I'm no doctor. I had my walker for one year only.

I'm not inspirational at all. I might put this all thing down.

my stories

On a writer's mind. Bits and pieces!

4:24 AM

As many of you know already,I'm a writer.
I wrote my first story when I was 10. I love love love writing. I don't think I'm good at that..but I enjoy it a lot and I cannot leave without it.
At first I wrote in my first language.
Now I write in English only with the excuse it will improve my knowledge of the language.
I don't like editing that much..and as I said,English is not my first language..so bear with me and please don't be too mean about my mistakes if you can.
Oh..a warning! As you know I love medicine and I want to become a doctor,so in my writing there will be bits and pieces of medical information.
I take my medical research for the chapters quite seriously..I try to read medical textbooks and magazines and to find real and trustworthy information.
But I'm not a doctor yet..so there might be some mistakes.
So bear with me on this too!
Without further ado.. I'll leave you some bits and pieces of the story. They'll make you meet the protagonist..uhm..quite literally!
Emma

I was about to drift off to sleep in my hospital bed.
Amy was sleeping on the couch in front of me and David had gone to take a coffee from the cafeteria.
The baby was sleeping in her bassinet,right next to me.
At that moment,David entered the room,with a huge bouquet of flowers in his hands. He came near me and he kissed me on my lips. -I love you so much.-he told me- So much. He gave me the flowers. -Thank you.-I smiled at him-They're beautiful. I kissed him on his lips again. -I'll go and find a vase to put the flowers in.He put the bouquet into a white vase on my nightstand. Then he sat at my bedside and he held my hand. -how are you?-he asked me-are you.. -I'm tired..-I smiled at him- but I've never been happier. He smiled at me. -Same here. Close your eyes. I chuckled. -What?-I asked-Why? -trust me. I did as told. -Open your eyes now. I opened my eyes and I saw a cup of ice-cream in my hands. -Vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce and toasted almonds on top. -he told me,with a smile. That was my absolute favorite ice-cream. -I love you.-I whispered. And I kissed him on his lips.-I love you so much. He kissed my forehead. -where can I find a blanket?-he asked me. I started eating my ice cream. -The nurse said there should be a blanket in that wardrobe there...-I answered-..why? He grabbed the blanket and he slowly covered Amelia with it. -It's getting a bit chilly..I don't want her to catch a cold. -I love you.- I smiled as he sat at my bedside. -I finally found that chocolate Amelia wanted..-he took 2 bars of white chocolate out from a grocery bag he had with him. -She's gonna be so happy about it. He smiled at me and he got closer to the baby. -And how is my princess? I looked at the baby myself. -she's perfect. She looks like an angel. -She really looks like it. And..- he took a little pink teddy bear from the bag -..she deserves a present because she was an angel during her routine check ups earlier. He put the bear near her. -so now you have a new friend,honey.-he whispered to her- I love you so much. I kept looking at the baby. She was sleeping so peacefully. -Who knows what she's dreaming..-I whispered with a smile in my voice. -I was thinking about something.. David looked at me- about what,honey? -about her..about how we should name her.. -Good point. At that moment the baby started crying. -She's probably hungry.-I said- Can you give her to me so I can feed her? -Of course- he smiled as he scooped the baby out from her bassinet- Don't cry,princess..-he whispered to her-Now we'll go to mum...ssshhhhh.. He gave the baby to me and he helped me to hold her. -ssssshhhh...baby girl..-I whispered to her- ssshhh..it's alright. I held her tight and I helped her to suck on my nipple. As soon as I started breastfeeding her,she stopped crying. -she's so gentle when she eats..-I said,as I caressed her head with my free hand- Hannah and Eleanor used to hurt me when they ate. She's so gentle that I don't even think she's eating enough... -what were you saying about her name? At that moment,Dr Lawson entered the room. She was wearing a light blue dress and she had her hair into a French braid. -Hi...-she smiled- I'm about to head home and I'm checking on my patients one last time..but..I can come back later.. -Oh..no..no..-I smiled- you can stay..we were just finishing eating,weren't we,baby girl? -I kissed her forehead. -She's so beautiful,congratulations to you both.-doctor Lawson got closer to my bed -How are you feeling,Violet?-she asked- Do you have any pain or discomfort? -I'm just really tired...-I told her- And a bit sore..but it'll go away soon. She smiled at me -You need to rest now. -I will.-I assured her -As soon as this little lady here finishes eating and goes back to sleep. I looked at the baby..she had her eyes closed and she was so focused while she was eating. -She's so beautiful..the sweetest baby I've ever seen. -the doctor said. A few minutes later,I felt that the baby was no longer eating. -Are you done,sweetie? -I asked her in a sweet voice- apparently you are. I cleaned the baby's mouth with a tissue and I lifted my shirt down. At that moment,the baby opened her eyes. When I looked at her I almost screamed. The white part of her eyes was yellow. I must had become really pale,because both David and the doctor got worried. -What's wrong? -they asked me at the same time-Are you sick? - the baby...-I said-...look at her eyes.. -Let me see..-doctor Lawson said. She looked at the baby herself. After that,she looked back at me. - We need to take her to the NICU and run some tests.-she explained in a calm voice - she has jaundice..we need to start the treatment on her. -what?-I asked in a scared voice- the NICU? I held the baby even tighter than I was already doing. -Yes..-doctor Lawson went on,looking at David and me- she can receive a better treatment there... -I..I.. I was about to cry. -A mild form of jaundice is fairly common in newborns like her.- the doctor tried to reassure us- it's almost physiologic. We just need to help her getting better.. it's not a life threatening condition. She smiled at us. -I..-I stammered- I want to come with you. I don't want my baby to be alone...I..want.. -Violet,honey..you need to rest..-David told me,squeezing my hand. -I need to be with my baby! -I replied,crying- I.. - I'm afraid your husband is right,Violet. I looked at the doctor. -Please...-I begged her- I don't want her to be alone.. - What if I go with her,sweetie?- David smiled at me- I don't want her to be alone either.. -Do not leave her side,please..- I was sobbing- David..do not leave her side.. Neither for a minute..-I won't. - he kissed my forehead. -We're gonna be just fine. I kissed the baby on her forehead. - Be good for daddy..okay,baby girl?-I said- Mummy loves you so much.. -We're gonna fix her as soon as we can. The doctor smiled at me. I looked at her and I gave the baby to David. He put her into her bassinet. -I'm gonna come back ASAP..to give you an update on her.-the doctor told me. David kissed me on my lips. -I love you.-he told me- And I'll be back as soon as I possibly can. And then they disappeared outside of the room. I started sobbing..I was so scared. Then I started praying..whispering in order not to wake Amy. I was on my 10th Hail Mary,when I saw Amy..approaching to my bed,still half asleep. -Violet..what's wrong? -she asked me-what's going on? -nothing,sweetie.-I tried to smile at her. She took a chair and she sat at my bedside.-You said 10 Hail Marys and I can see that you've been crying..-she squeezed my hand- Tell me what's wrong. - the..the baby...-I whispered-...she's sick.. Amy turned white- Sick? How sick?-she squeezed my hand tighter- where is she now? - doctor Lawson took her to the NICU...-I sobbed-...David is with her now... -did the doctor tell you what's wrong with her? -She..she has jaundice.. Amy tried to smile at me - as far as I know,jaundice is pretty common in newborns..-she said- She's gonna be alright. - the..the doctor said the same -I paused - She also said she's gonna update me as soon as possible. Amy took my hand between hers. Even though I was scared to death,I couldn't help but notice how much she had grown in the past day. At that moment she was the oldest and I was the youngest. I was so proud of her. -Don't worry,she's in good hands and she's strong.-she grinned at me- She's a Gardiner for an half,remember? She has strength in her genes..she's like you. She looked at me in the eye. -And I'm sure...-she sighed-...I'm sure Mum and Dad are looking after her from up there. -They would be so proud of you,if they were here...-I caressed her cheek. -Really? -Really...-I sobbed- I certainly am.- I kissed her forehead. -If you hadn't been there yesterday morning..I..I.. -Ssshhhh...-she hugged me-...it's alright. The baby is gonna be fine. -She doesn't even have a name yet..-I sobbed- She's so little..and they won't let me go and see her.. -She's gonna be alright. -she said- Tomorrow morning..I'm sure they'll let you go and see her..and you'll be able to name her then. -I..I need... -You need to rest,Violet. -I need to see my baby! -Honey..-she looked at me- you need to rest..to recover. -I...-I started crying again. Amy held me tight and she let me cry on her shoulder. -Ssshhh..-she whispered- don't cry. She's gonna be just fine. -She's..she's so little..-I sobbed-..I should be with her. -You're gonna go and see her tomorrow morning,I'm sure. She held me even tighter.-Now you need to get some rest...so tomorrow you'll be stronger and the doctor will let you go and see the baby. -I can't..I can't sleep... I... -What if we pray together a little more? -she asked me- would that make you feel better? I nodded. -Okay,then. ***A couple of hours later,Violet had finally fallen asleep. I was by her side,holding her hand and struggling to stay awake. Nobody had told us anything about the baby,yet..I was worried sick. A couple of minutes later,Dr Lawson entered the room. She had her scrubs and sneakers on. -Hi,Amy...-she whispered as she approached to me. -How is the baby?-I asked her -Please,tell me she's fine..I...Violet has just fallen asleep and..- She's getting better. We started treatment with the blue light..her bilirubin levels are still high but they're starting to drop...little by little. -she smiled at me- She's strong..she's a fighter. -She is indeed.-I said as tears of joy streamed down my cheeks. -Like mother,like daughter -she glanced at Violet -I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner..you two must have been through hell. -Pretty much-I smiled- all that matters is that both Violet and the baby are okay. The doctor gave me a tissue to wipe up my tears with. Then she took a chair and she sat near me. -You've been so brave yesterday,Amy. You're gonna become an excellent doctor one day. I felt myself blushing.-thank you. She grinned at me. -You're welcome. I.. All of a sudden,she turned white and took one hand to her mouth. -Are you okay? -I asked. -I..have to..-she got up from the chair and ran to the restroom in front of her. I didn't whether I could follow her or not. I heard her throwing up and coughing violently...for almost 15 minutes. I got worried and I silently knocked on the door.- Dr Lawson..mmmm..are you okay in there? No answer. I could only hear the sound of throwing up. I counted till ten..and then I slowly opened the door. Dr Lawson was kneeled in front of the toilet bowl,throwing up. I stood still for a couple of minutes. I didn't know her well...but she needed help. I kneeled behind her and started rubbing her back,like I had done for Violet a couple of times. -It's okay. -I whispered to her- I'm here...I'm here. Five minutes later,she stopped throwing up. -Is it over?-I asked her in a concerned tone. -Are you..alright now? -Yes,yes.-she whispered-yes,thank you. I'm sorry. -Don't even mention. -I smiled at her- I should have some peppermint in my purse. It worked with Violet when she was sick like this. -How..how do you..-she whispered,following me outside the tiny bathroom -I saw my sister pregnant for 3 times and my mum was a midwife..so..-I rummaged into my purse and I found a box of peppermint candies- here.Take some. She took some candy and ate it silently while she sank on the couch. -It's just..I throw up every time I eat..-She giggled- now I understand why my patients ask me why it's called morning sickness. -I'm sorry you feel sick.. -It's normal.-she smiled- and the peppermint really seems to be working. -You can keep the all pack. I have others in my purse. -Are you sure? I gave her the little box of candy. -Of course. Oh..and of course I won't tell anyone,don't you worry. -you're the sweetest. Violet knows though..she guessed. You're both super bright. -Thanks. -I'm about to go and check on the baby again. Would you like to come with me? -I..I don't want to leave Violet alone. Our aunt had to go home...and there's just me.. -I can have a nurse come and stay with her while we go to the NICU. And...if you stay with the baby for a while,then Mr Johnson can come here and spend some time with Violet. He's worried about her. -I kinda feel bad..to see the baby before Violet does.. -do you wanna wake her up and ask her if you can go? -no,she has just fallen asleep. I bit my lip. -Okay,let's go. 15 minutes. -Great! -the doctor smiled- I'll get the nurse. You wait here. A few seconds later,she came back into the room,followed by a nurse. I took my purse.-Follow me. -Dr Lawson told me- come on. We'll be back soon. I followed her out of the room and into an elevator. -Put your hair up..you're gonna have to wear a cap and gown before getting in there. I did as told. -how much more does the baby need to be in the NICU?-I asked. -It depends on her bilirubin levels.-she paused,smiling- but she's doing well..so hopefully they'll discharge her soon. -and what about Violet? - I believe she doesn't want to go home before the baby does..so I'll keep her here for another day..she has had a difficult time after all. We got to the pediatrics floor..and outside of the NICU. Both the doctor and I wore protective gear and washed our hands. Then we got in. There were incubators and machines. A lot of parents..a lot of babies. We got to the last row of incubators. I saw David,sitting on chair near the last one. We got closer. - hi..- doctor Lawson whispered- look who's here. -Amy? -he said -did you come here on your own? Can you even be here? -I brought her here to see the baby. -the doctor explained- she can stay here for a bit..so you can go and spend some time with Violet. -how is she? -she's sleeping. -I replied- but she'd love to see you. -are you sure I can go? I nodded. He got closer to the baby -Daddy is gonna be back soon,princess - he said- be good for aunt Amy,okay? Then he got up he ran out of the room. -you can sit there. -Dr Lawson encouraged me- come on. I did as told. I looked at the baby. She looked at me. -she's so beautiful. -I whispered- so beautiful. -you can talk to her.. -can I..touch her? -of course. - she smiled-be gentle though. -Hi,baby girl. -I said -I'm your aunt Amy. I cannot wait for you to come home. We're gonna spend so much time together. I'm gonna play with you,read to you and sing you lullabies. Then when you get older,I'll braid your hair and teach you a lot of other things..like playing the piano,bake cookies and how to deal with being the baby of the family. The baby gurgled. -do you like the idea? -I whispered,touching her tiny hand.- I love you so much. She looked at me and squeezed my finger.-oh wow..you're strong! -I whispered- like your mummy,uh? She misses you so much. You know..she's my superhero. You're lucky to have her as a mum. I hope you won't be a picky eater..because she can cook a lot of yummy stuff and it'd be a shame for you not to taste those. She also makes the best Irish Apple crumble in the entire world and I cannot wait till you can taste it yourself because it's so yummy. The baby was still looking at me -that was the only cake she could eat when she was pregnant with you..so I suppose you like it already,don't you? And I bet you don't like licorice! - I giggled- your mummy loves it..but she if she had a piece of it while pregnant with you..she would throw up instantly! So I think you don't like it,do you? I bet you don't even like tea..which is weird because your mum drinks gallons of it! -I sure do. - Violet's voice came from behind me- I'm half Irish after all. I turned around and I saw Violet. She was in a wheelchair,her hands in her lap and a gown like mine on. David was behind her and Doctor Lawson was watching her like a hawk. -how are you? - I asked her- who did you bribe to get out of bed? -me..-the doctor said- she told me she would stay in bed all day tomorrow if I let her come here. -she usually keeps her promises. Right,Violet? She nodded. I moved so David could sit. I was feeling like the odd one out. -so..uhm..I think I should go. -No! -Violet said- Stay. The baby likes listening to you talking to her. -did you hear what I told her? -most of it...-she smiled- I love you so much,lass. - I love you too,Vi. -can I hold my baby now? -she asked the doctor with puppy eyes- please.. -of course. She gently scooped the baby out of her incubator and she gave it to Violet. -Hi,baby girl..-Violet said,tears streaming down her face- did you miss me? I missed you so much. She started rocking her gently. -do you want auntie Amy to hold you? -she asked her at some point- oh, of course you do.. -Violet..I..can't.. -I said- I don't want to hurt her... -You won't hurt her. -she smiled at me- nor drop her. And she won't break. Come on. She gave me the baby. -Gosh..-I whispered - it feels weird. But it's amazing. -It is,uh? - Violet echoed- I'll teach you how to change her diaper and how to feed her if you want. -yay! -I whispered- but I can't feed her. -I'll pump from time to time. So you can give her a bottle. But this all babysitting thing will happen only on the weekends and for a few hours a day during the rest of the summer. -her voice got sweeter- you have school to think about. And...I think some shadowing would do good too. -really? -I said- can I? -Dr Lawson said she'll set up something for you. I was so happy. -did you hear that?-I whispered to the baby - I'll get to take care of you and to shadow doctors! I still don't know what's your name,though. Tough choice for your mummy and daddy..you need a pretty name. Pretty name for a pretty girl. Violet and David looked at each other. -go ahead. -he told her,smiling. -her name is Elizabeth. -she said- Elizabeth Marie. - that's so pretty.

mental health

The spiral is eating me again

1:55 PM

My thoughts are eating me alive once again.

After 1 day and a half of peace,they came back.

I feel horrible and overwhelmed again. I feel like I'm worthless again.

I feel like no one should like me again.

I'm doubting on whether I can go to med school or not again. It's exhausting.

I just want to sleep forever once again or to disappear even.

It's exhausting.

I really hope my friends will stick with me if I don't get into med school.

I'll never stop loving medicine no matter what though. I can't give up a passion that molded me into who I am.

It's exhausting. I had to get off Twitter again..Facebook makes me sick.

I just would like a friend of mine to talk to me about something..anything.

Maybe that will calm down the spiral.

mental health

Today was better

3:48 PM

Today was a good day.

I didn't have breakdowns or sad moments.

I did have a bad dream last night and I wasn't really able to get any sleep till late so I physically had to sleep in. I couldn't keep my eyes open when my alarm went off at 7.

But all in all,it wasn't a big deal.

I revised two lectures for my biology exam while cleaning green beans for lunch(yes,I'm learning to multitask!).

I had a yummy lunch that consisted in dishes I can quite make myself.

Yes..I'm slowly learning how to cook and bake and I love it when I make something yummy!

Then I did some more studying and I talked to a dear friend of mine via email..and that was amazing! I love talking to her. She told me we will always be friends and that made me burst with joy.

Yes,I do feel strongly..all or nothing

And hopefully tomorrow I'll Skype to another dear friend of mine and I can't wait!

Today was better.

My CP and I

7:40 AM

As many of you know,I have CP. I was diagnosed with it when I was 2. I learned how to walk when I was 4.

Almost 1 year ago my cousin got me an awesome walker and thanks to it,my CP doesn't bother me that much anymore.

I no longer need people to hold my hand when I walk but I'm still scared of going out of the house alone because of sidewalks and steps and other barriers that I have to learn how to deal with.

My CP and I are getting along now,kind of.

I learned that I've been lucky because there are so many more severe kinds of it.

Pediatrics is one of my favorite specialties..and a part of me would love to become a pediatric neurologist..to treat kids who have CP like I do.

Sometimes I'm angry at my CP.

I'm angry at it because I can't do the same things other people do. I can't run fast.

I can stand up with no support for a long period of time without having my legs turning into jelly. A month ago I was trying to mop the floor and I had to stop because my legs were shaking and hurting.

I felt so useless...I cried.

I want to learn how to be independent,how to do the cleaning and the cooking and..just how to take care of myself and to help my mum in the process as well.

I'm doing it. Both yesterday and today I cooked part of lunch.

I can make my own breakfast and sometimes I make dinner.

But sometimes my CP still gets in the way. I still get tired if I stand up for a lot of time.

I still can't carry a cup of coffee from a corner to the room to the other without holding onto things for support.

I can't get into an elevator alone because my walker gets stuck in the way and if the elevator doesn't work I can't do the stairs.

I can't go to the library alone because the access to it and my walker don't get along and because people stare me like I were an alien.

I can't take food from the canteen because I can't carry a tray of food by myself and I don't want to bother other people.

I can't walk in the sand..I'll fall.

I can't stop feeling like a burden to anyone..nor thanking anyone profusely for hours just because they're kind to me..just because they keep me company or help me with the slightest thing.

I can't stop dreading the fact that I'll be left alone once again..even though now I have a few good friends for whom I'd do anything.

I lost the only thing I was good at..school.

Now I'm not really sure I want/can go to Med School anymore.

I love medicine..it's one of my biggest passions. I'm just struggling here and..oh gosh all of this is exhausting.

A part of me want to fly to the UK,finally meet some friends and have a break.

A part of me dreads every bit of the idea...traveling alone,not being able to pay for my trip myself.

I feel selfish and stupid..there are so many amazing people out there.

And then there's me.

mental health

Being loved and having worth

3:43 AM

Since I started school and I started struggling,I started wondering whether I'd still be loved if I failed my exams or dropped out.

I won't say I have never struggled before..because I have.

I've never felt so alone and so stupid and so insecure before. I don't know how or why..a part of me thinks that I won't be loved anymore if I don't do well in school and maybe that's why I always decide to take exams later than I should.

School as always been the only thing I've been good at..and maybe I ended up thinking that my worth and my deserving to be loved or even alive is based on my grades.

The very last time I've been happy was last September before starting school. Then..no more.

I try my best but from the outside it seems like I am a stupid little bragging person that spends her time not doing anything.

I feel guilty every time I take a break and God forbid people seeing me while I take one. I just feel horrible all the time,sometimes I feel like I can no longer breathe and I physically forced to email a friend in tears..so she can fix me.

I wish I didn't have to ask for help to her every time but I really can't help it.

This week I felt fine,kinda. I had decided to take the exam tomorrow..I was doing good with revision and had yesterday and today all planned. But then I remembered I had to sign up for it in order to take it. The other exams I took didn't require you to sign up so it just..slipped..I was so fed up with revision that I didn't check.

Plus I didn't know you can sign up for an exam ahead of time and then not show up if you feel sick or something happens..and that's why I didn't sign up a month ago.

I'm sorry but it's my very first year..I'm still getting used to it and so far I hate it.

I cried so hard that my eyes are still burning and my biology textbook is all humid and stained with tears.

I got yelled at. I felt angry. I thought people would be better off without me..as I often do. I was told that I am "not normal".

I worked so hard my all life thinking to university as the place I'd finally be happy at. And now life sucks. Isn't that funny?

"Why do I try to do everything right and I go wrong every time?"

mental health

Realistic,unrealistic and their friends.

4:41 PM

When I was little,I remember I never said I wanted to be a princess who wanted to marry Prince Charming and to live happily ever after with him in a castle.

I do remember I dressed up as a doctor when I was five.

I remember I always answered the famous "what would you like to do when you're older?" with "I'd love to become a doctor".

I've been wanting to become a doctor my all life pretty much. Maybe it's because I saw a lot of doctors during my childhood and I fell in love with it.

With medicine. With fixing people and helping them out.

I remember I was always fascinated after my dozen of doctors' appointments...and I always had to run to books/Internet in order to understand what they had told me.

I was just fascinated and I wanted to know..to find out more and more stuff.

When I was 14/15 I fell in love with hematology..due to a book that I had read. I would spend hours to read and do research..I was(still am) so interested in the topic.

I always had As in biology due to my passion for medicine and my studying.

Plus,I always loved kids,even though they seem not to like me.

Then..a kid I know was diagnosed with leukemia,and I started thinking about specializing into peds or pediatric hem/onc.

I know pediatrics,especially pediatric oncology is a tough specialty and it requires you to be strong.

I can keep it together most of the times,but I don't know if I am strong enough for that kind of career.

I have been told that being a physician isn't a realistic career for me.

At first I was mad...I cried for days and I was basically depressed.

I still get really sad and mad if I think of it and my thoughts go to it anytime I go wrong with the slightest thing.And it's bad.

Now that I am at university,I am having an hard time,I'm trying my best but I'm struggling so bad.

Chemistry and Physics problems are gonna be the death of me. The highest grade I got was a bit.

I was so ready for my biology exam Monday but I forgot to sign up for it because I was so fed up with revision and now I can no longer take it.

Yay for me and how clumsy and stupid I am.

Yay for all the people who are gonna take the exam just because they studied less than I did and actually remembered to sign up for it on time.

Yay for all the people who don't know what's this or that but are still going to score higher than me on the exam.

Yay for my mum who told me I'm "not normal" once again.

Yay for my feeling like a failure all the time.

Yay for that person that person that broke me..thank you. Really needed that.

Yay for my need for help all the time.

Yay for the people who do medicine for money.

Yay for my being horrible.

Yay for my not knowing what's realistic and what isn't for me anymore.

If I were to tell people I wanted to be a princess now,I think they would tell me to go for it because that's more realistic than becoming a doctor.

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ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

A note on gratitude..

Comparison

Monster brain attacks..

Talks. And feeling a bit better.

Elizabeth.

It's me we're talking about

Am I a control freak?

Let's talk about it.

Falling. And getting up.

Stop

Rambling

On a writer's mind. Bits and pieces!

The spiral is eating me again

Today was better

My CP and I

Being loved and having worth

Realistic,unrealistic and their friends.

About me

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