ACCORDING TO MY OWN CLOCK...

It's me we're talking about

1:52 AM

"It's ME we're talking about. ME. "

This is one of the thoughts that haunts me the most.

It crashes me. It makes difficult for me to breathe...to sleep..to live.

I feel like I have Everest to climb( just like the protagonist of one of my favorite books) like I try and try but I can't climb it.

I wish I were like those people who don't seem to have dreams..or at least who can settle.

I wish all of this was easier.

I wish I didn't have CP..I wish I was more independent and not so scared.

I wish I liked my course more. I try. I swear.

There hasn't been 1 day since October when I didn't study. Once I had high fever,an headache and a terrible cough..but I still studied.

Even now that I am on holiday,I brought my chem textbook with me. I tried to study on the train..I try to study during the day..even though it's impossible because there are things to do,places to go,people visiting..it never ends. Plus..somehow,opening that textbook kinda makes me throw up and have some kind of anxiety attack.

"It's ME we're talking about. ME"

Here it is,again.

"You live in a fairytales..you live out of dreams".

"If you don't do well here,you have no chances in med school".

"You have to take Chemistry in med school..you know that,right? "

"You can't talk..you're not a doctor"

"You can't tell people you want to graduate as a doctor and then think about boys and love. It's weird"

Peer pressure also destroys me. I literally can't breathe when I see people who are only a little bit older than me and have a degree and are successful.

I feel terrible and wrong..I feel like I'm a total failure.

Why is life so difficult?

Why can't I understand chem problems?

Why can I devour biology/medicine textbooks no problem?

Why is problem solving so difficult on me?

Why have I started to be ashamed of what I dream and want to do?

Maybe I was brought up like this.

Why do people look at me with compassion if I tell them I want to go to med school?

Why is the admission process so stupid?

Why can't I help anyone..ever?

Why can't I help MYSELF?

Why do I always feel so helpless,scared and alone?

What's so wrong with me?

mental health

Am I a control freak?

12:42 AM

I cry. That's just something I do.

I always cry..for different reasons.

I cry when I'm super angry. I cry to release all my fears,anxieties and worries.

I cry when I'm sad and broken.

I'm crying right now and I'm not really sure why.

Maybe because of all the reasons I wrote above..maybe because of none of them. Maybe because of something entirely different..maybe because of no reason at all.

That's funny..because I never cry(nor cried when I was younger) when I fall and,let's say,get hurt. My mum worries every time I fall..but I just smile and get up right away.

<< Don't worry,I'm fine>> that's what I always say.

I am a tough cookie on the outside. I can pretend to be happy and to have everything under control.

On the inside however I'm a total mess. I don't know whether I've always been a mess or if I became one this past year.

I've always had my moments of crying..my summer late night hours where I couldn't sleep...all of these things.

My thoughts..my "moments" ..they're like old friends to me. I know them..they know me. We can live together..with each other. I can kick them out of my mind for a little bit. Or at least..I was able to do that.

Writing helped. Making up characters,lives,stories..places. Being transported into another world..into my little happy bubble on which I had control. Not having CP anymore..being beautiful and kind and smart. Having a nice job and a nice family. Of course,my characters too went through bad moments..but I mostly wrote about them being happy..with their simple yet perfect life.

Now writing doesn't really help anymore. Sometimes I find myself hating and canceling stuff I wrote months ago..happy scenes. I find myself hating those. I start crying and getting mad.

I know life is..life and you can't have total control over it..the same control you have when you write something.

Sometimes I wish I had it.

mental health

Let's talk about it.

7:15 AM

WARNING:I'm no expert in the topic I'll talk about in this post. I'm not a doctor,nor a therapist. I don't have any certified knowledge nor training. I honestly don't think I know much about the topic..nothing but what I learned and still learning from my very personal experience. Views are mine.

Let's talk about it. Let's talk about depression and anxiety.

As I said above..I'm no expert whatsoever. I'm in fact barely out of my teens.

But I think depression and anxiety are very important topics and I'd like to talk about it.I,for one, have always been anxious. I'm anxious about everything...going places,seeing people,taking a test,going to a place I've never been before...you name it.

Since I was about 11 I've been terrified of going places..like little shops and stuff like that.

I'm not claustrophobic,it's not that. But after 5 minutes I've been into a shop,my brain disconnects,my heart starts pounding,I start shaking from top to toe.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's because,after I've been on my feet for 5 minutes,I get super tired and I need to sit down and if I see no chairs around I start panicking.

It's really stupid. I know. But I can't always sit on the ground. And my CP and staying on my feet don't really get along.

Maybe now that I have my walker,this issue will be solved..as long as I take my walker with me everywhere I go.

Sometimes I get anxiety attacks that prevent me from living normally. Sometimes my fears and anxieties fill up my head so much that I literally cannot think about anything else(happened a couple of weeks ago).

Sometimes I get panic attacks. I start breathing faster and faster,my heart starts pounding,I start sweating, I get pins and needles all over my body,I can't walk straight and..-be prepared,this is weird- I start speaking and thinking only in English..that,as many of you already know,is my second language.

Yes,my brain is weird.

I've always been anxious about this or that. Anxiety is horrible.

I don't know whether I am depressed or not.

I haven't been evaluated for that..nor I have been to a therapist recently.

I just get these..terrible moments where I feel like everything is falling apart..like everything is slipping out of control..like I were in a car and I had lost control over it.

Sometimes I have breakdowns..lasting up to 30 minutes. I cry,cry and cry until I feel better.

Sometimes all the crying leaves me with puffy red eyes and makes it hard for me to breathe.

Sometimes I feel like I'm useless and a waste of space..a bother..a burden..a mistake.

Sometimes I think I shouldn't even be alive..that everyone would be better off without me.

During these horrible moments I actually thought about overdosing on pills and just getting over with it..but the rational part of me took over all the times.

Sometimes I don't want to get up in the morning.

Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever.

Sometimes I feel like a horrible person and a failure. And it's not exam time only.

It's (almost) all the time since..October.

Sometimes I just found myself thinking: "what's the point of trying? I'll end up being a burden and failure anyway. What's the point?".

I somehow convinced myself that my parents wouldn't have loved me anymore if I hadn't got good grades at uni and that made me so sick. Thank God I now have their word it's not true and it's just my brain being silly.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to somehow show people I CAN do medicine...which is my passion(at least ,it's one of them) and what I want to do with my life.

I often feel like I'm not enough.

Not clever enough. Not brainy enough. Not sweet enough. Not kind enough. Not enough.

The point of all this rambling though is not ranting about how blah I feel,about the problems I have and such.

As I said..I do know I have anxiety. However I do not know if I could be diagnosed with proper depression or if it's just my stupid mind making up things.

Literally the only thing that works for me when I have breakdowns and anxiety attacks..is letting it all out..whether by crying or writing..or emailing a dear friend of mine who's always there for me..or going on Twitter where there are a lot of lovely people who are there to listen to me and talk to me.

I'm proud..I don't like asking for help and I'm terrified by the thought of bothering people or being clingy and annoying. But I'm learning that I need help sometimes. That I am human. That I can be weak from time to time. That I don't always need to put up a brave face and push through pain...like it was nothing..like it didn't hurt. I'm learning to ask for help.

As I said,I'm not a doctor nor an expert in the field..but..if you feel like I feel..please..talk to someone. A friend,a relative..a teacher.

Or..if you don't want to talk because you don't want to bother or you can't talk..write down everything that goes through your mind..just to let it all out. No one has to read what you wrote. It's for you and for you only.

You can cancel everything after you've done writing..without even reading through it once.

Please don't isolate. You don't deserve pain. You don't deserve to be alone nor to suffer. Easier said than done,I know.

Once you ask for help..once you find a friend..once you realize someone is indeed there for you,once you realize that you're not alone..little by little everything becomes more bearable.

The sun will rise again..sooner or later.

I promise.

life

Falling. And getting up.

3:57 PM

I literally have been tripping and falling since I was 4,which is when I learned to walk.

I used to fall all the time.

And..little by little I started to learn how to get up.

It was difficult,my CP causes me to have balance issues and to walk in a funny way. But I got up. My way,but I did it.

I still do it. My way,with my time..but I do it. I get up when I fall.

I aced biology despite being sick.

I failed chemistry.

But I didn't cry like I thought I would have.

I'm just going to study better,differently(not really more because I think I'd go crazy) and I'll pass it.

By acing biology I proved to myself that I can do science.

That my brain still works and that I'm still a good student.

It might take me more time than most..but sooner or later I'll get into med school and be a medic and eventually a doctor.

I get mad at myself because my brain understands biology and foreign languages better than math or chem problems.

I start doubting myself,I start loosing faith in my dreams and I start feeling insignificant,stupid..not enough.

I used to fall a lot when I was little.

I still fall..both physically speaking and academically speaking. I fell today.

But guess what?

I got up. And I'll try to do the same everytime I'll fall again in the future.

I'll get up..instead of giving up.

I got up today. I'll keep getting up.

CP doesn't have me..I have it. All those people who don't think I can make it..they don't have the power to break me.

I got up. I'll get up.

Giving up is not an option.

mental health

Stop

7:37 AM

Stop.

I want all of this to stop.

I don't want to be anxious and depressed anymore.

I don't want to keep having wonderful people taking care of me.

I don't want to make those said people sick of me.

I want my blog posts to be nice and to inspire people.

I live on a thread.

I'm so scared of losing people I'm friends with because I went wrong with something unknown to me and they got mad,walked away and abandoned me.

It has been happening since I started school..since I was 6.

People never wanted to be with me. The only thing I wanted was a friend.

I got traumatized by all of these being left alone that I started thinking of myself as a burden and a bother.

I think disabled people often think like this of themselves.

Even though now I have my walker..sometimes I still feel like a burden,a bother,a mistake..a waste of space.

Yes..I'm whining. I know.

I hope it'll get better.

mental health

Rambling

6:54 AM

In the beginning,I wanted to write a happy blog post because a dear friend of mine cheered me up this morning with a long chat..and I've been feeling relatively happy until now.

But then once again I started feeling little and insignificant and pathetic.

There is so much desire to help others in my heart.

Simply because it makes me feel good. I feel like I found my place in the world when I help someone.

I wanted to write a blog post about my CP..I've been wanting to write one for a while now.

But then I think it wouldn't help anyone. I'm no doctor. I had my walker for one year only.

I'm not inspirational at all. I might put this all thing down.

my stories

On a writer's mind. Bits and pieces!

4:24 AM

As many of you know already,I'm a writer.
I wrote my first story when I was 10. I love love love writing. I don't think I'm good at that..but I enjoy it a lot and I cannot leave without it.
At first I wrote in my first language.
Now I write in English only with the excuse it will improve my knowledge of the language.
I don't like editing that much..and as I said,English is not my first language..so bear with me and please don't be too mean about my mistakes if you can.
Oh..a warning! As you know I love medicine and I want to become a doctor,so in my writing there will be bits and pieces of medical information.
I take my medical research for the chapters quite seriously..I try to read medical textbooks and magazines and to find real and trustworthy information.
But I'm not a doctor yet..so there might be some mistakes.
So bear with me on this too!
Without further ado.. I'll leave you some bits and pieces of the story. They'll make you meet the protagonist..uhm..quite literally!
Emma

I was about to drift off to sleep in my hospital bed.
Amy was sleeping on the couch in front of me and David had gone to take a coffee from the cafeteria.
The baby was sleeping in her bassinet,right next to me.
At that moment,David entered the room,with a huge bouquet of flowers in his hands. He came near me and he kissed me on my lips. -I love you so much.-he told me- So much. He gave me the flowers. -Thank you.-I smiled at him-They're beautiful. I kissed him on his lips again. -I'll go and find a vase to put the flowers in.He put the bouquet into a white vase on my nightstand. Then he sat at my bedside and he held my hand. -how are you?-he asked me-are you.. -I'm tired..-I smiled at him- but I've never been happier. He smiled at me. -Same here. Close your eyes. I chuckled. -What?-I asked-Why? -trust me. I did as told. -Open your eyes now. I opened my eyes and I saw a cup of ice-cream in my hands. -Vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce and toasted almonds on top. -he told me,with a smile. That was my absolute favorite ice-cream. -I love you.-I whispered. And I kissed him on his lips.-I love you so much. He kissed my forehead. -where can I find a blanket?-he asked me. I started eating my ice cream. -The nurse said there should be a blanket in that wardrobe there...-I answered-..why? He grabbed the blanket and he slowly covered Amelia with it. -It's getting a bit chilly..I don't want her to catch a cold. -I love you.- I smiled as he sat at my bedside. -I finally found that chocolate Amelia wanted..-he took 2 bars of white chocolate out from a grocery bag he had with him. -She's gonna be so happy about it. He smiled at me and he got closer to the baby. -And how is my princess? I looked at the baby myself. -she's perfect. She looks like an angel. -She really looks like it. And..- he took a little pink teddy bear from the bag -..she deserves a present because she was an angel during her routine check ups earlier. He put the bear near her. -so now you have a new friend,honey.-he whispered to her- I love you so much. I kept looking at the baby. She was sleeping so peacefully. -Who knows what she's dreaming..-I whispered with a smile in my voice. -I was thinking about something.. David looked at me- about what,honey? -about her..about how we should name her.. -Good point. At that moment the baby started crying. -She's probably hungry.-I said- Can you give her to me so I can feed her? -Of course- he smiled as he scooped the baby out from her bassinet- Don't cry,princess..-he whispered to her-Now we'll go to mum...ssshhhhh.. He gave the baby to me and he helped me to hold her. -ssssshhhh...baby girl..-I whispered to her- ssshhh..it's alright. I held her tight and I helped her to suck on my nipple. As soon as I started breastfeeding her,she stopped crying. -she's so gentle when she eats..-I said,as I caressed her head with my free hand- Hannah and Eleanor used to hurt me when they ate. She's so gentle that I don't even think she's eating enough... -what were you saying about her name? At that moment,Dr Lawson entered the room. She was wearing a light blue dress and she had her hair into a French braid. -Hi...-she smiled- I'm about to head home and I'm checking on my patients one last time..but..I can come back later.. -Oh..no..no..-I smiled- you can stay..we were just finishing eating,weren't we,baby girl? -I kissed her forehead. -She's so beautiful,congratulations to you both.-doctor Lawson got closer to my bed -How are you feeling,Violet?-she asked- Do you have any pain or discomfort? -I'm just really tired...-I told her- And a bit sore..but it'll go away soon. She smiled at me -You need to rest now. -I will.-I assured her -As soon as this little lady here finishes eating and goes back to sleep. I looked at the baby..she had her eyes closed and she was so focused while she was eating. -She's so beautiful..the sweetest baby I've ever seen. -the doctor said. A few minutes later,I felt that the baby was no longer eating. -Are you done,sweetie? -I asked her in a sweet voice- apparently you are. I cleaned the baby's mouth with a tissue and I lifted my shirt down. At that moment,the baby opened her eyes. When I looked at her I almost screamed. The white part of her eyes was yellow. I must had become really pale,because both David and the doctor got worried. -What's wrong? -they asked me at the same time-Are you sick? - the baby...-I said-...look at her eyes.. -Let me see..-doctor Lawson said. She looked at the baby herself. After that,she looked back at me. - We need to take her to the NICU and run some tests.-she explained in a calm voice - she has jaundice..we need to start the treatment on her. -what?-I asked in a scared voice- the NICU? I held the baby even tighter than I was already doing. -Yes..-doctor Lawson went on,looking at David and me- she can receive a better treatment there... -I..I.. I was about to cry. -A mild form of jaundice is fairly common in newborns like her.- the doctor tried to reassure us- it's almost physiologic. We just need to help her getting better.. it's not a life threatening condition. She smiled at us. -I..-I stammered- I want to come with you. I don't want my baby to be alone...I..want.. -Violet,honey..you need to rest..-David told me,squeezing my hand. -I need to be with my baby! -I replied,crying- I.. - I'm afraid your husband is right,Violet. I looked at the doctor. -Please...-I begged her- I don't want her to be alone.. - What if I go with her,sweetie?- David smiled at me- I don't want her to be alone either.. -Do not leave her side,please..- I was sobbing- David..do not leave her side.. Neither for a minute..-I won't. - he kissed my forehead. -We're gonna be just fine. I kissed the baby on her forehead. - Be good for daddy..okay,baby girl?-I said- Mummy loves you so much.. -We're gonna fix her as soon as we can. The doctor smiled at me. I looked at her and I gave the baby to David. He put her into her bassinet. -I'm gonna come back ASAP..to give you an update on her.-the doctor told me. David kissed me on my lips. -I love you.-he told me- And I'll be back as soon as I possibly can. And then they disappeared outside of the room. I started sobbing..I was so scared. Then I started praying..whispering in order not to wake Amy. I was on my 10th Hail Mary,when I saw Amy..approaching to my bed,still half asleep. -Violet..what's wrong? -she asked me-what's going on? -nothing,sweetie.-I tried to smile at her. She took a chair and she sat at my bedside.-You said 10 Hail Marys and I can see that you've been crying..-she squeezed my hand- Tell me what's wrong. - the..the baby...-I whispered-...she's sick.. Amy turned white- Sick? How sick?-she squeezed my hand tighter- where is she now? - doctor Lawson took her to the NICU...-I sobbed-...David is with her now... -did the doctor tell you what's wrong with her? -She..she has jaundice.. Amy tried to smile at me - as far as I know,jaundice is pretty common in newborns..-she said- She's gonna be alright. - the..the doctor said the same -I paused - She also said she's gonna update me as soon as possible. Amy took my hand between hers. Even though I was scared to death,I couldn't help but notice how much she had grown in the past day. At that moment she was the oldest and I was the youngest. I was so proud of her. -Don't worry,she's in good hands and she's strong.-she grinned at me- She's a Gardiner for an half,remember? She has strength in her genes..she's like you. She looked at me in the eye. -And I'm sure...-she sighed-...I'm sure Mum and Dad are looking after her from up there. -They would be so proud of you,if they were here...-I caressed her cheek. -Really? -Really...-I sobbed- I certainly am.- I kissed her forehead. -If you hadn't been there yesterday morning..I..I.. -Ssshhhh...-she hugged me-...it's alright. The baby is gonna be fine. -She doesn't even have a name yet..-I sobbed- She's so little..and they won't let me go and see her.. -She's gonna be alright. -she said- Tomorrow morning..I'm sure they'll let you go and see her..and you'll be able to name her then. -I..I need... -You need to rest,Violet. -I need to see my baby! -Honey..-she looked at me- you need to rest..to recover. -I...-I started crying again. Amy held me tight and she let me cry on her shoulder. -Ssshhh..-she whispered- don't cry. She's gonna be just fine. -She's..she's so little..-I sobbed-..I should be with her. -You're gonna go and see her tomorrow morning,I'm sure. She held me even tighter.-Now you need to get some rest...so tomorrow you'll be stronger and the doctor will let you go and see the baby. -I can't..I can't sleep... I... -What if we pray together a little more? -she asked me- would that make you feel better? I nodded. -Okay,then. ***A couple of hours later,Violet had finally fallen asleep. I was by her side,holding her hand and struggling to stay awake. Nobody had told us anything about the baby,yet..I was worried sick. A couple of minutes later,Dr Lawson entered the room. She had her scrubs and sneakers on. -Hi,Amy...-she whispered as she approached to me. -How is the baby?-I asked her -Please,tell me she's fine..I...Violet has just fallen asleep and..- She's getting better. We started treatment with the blue light..her bilirubin levels are still high but they're starting to drop...little by little. -she smiled at me- She's strong..she's a fighter. -She is indeed.-I said as tears of joy streamed down my cheeks. -Like mother,like daughter -she glanced at Violet -I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner..you two must have been through hell. -Pretty much-I smiled- all that matters is that both Violet and the baby are okay. The doctor gave me a tissue to wipe up my tears with. Then she took a chair and she sat near me. -You've been so brave yesterday,Amy. You're gonna become an excellent doctor one day. I felt myself blushing.-thank you. She grinned at me. -You're welcome. I.. All of a sudden,she turned white and took one hand to her mouth. -Are you okay? -I asked. -I..have to..-she got up from the chair and ran to the restroom in front of her. I didn't whether I could follow her or not. I heard her throwing up and coughing violently...for almost 15 minutes. I got worried and I silently knocked on the door.- Dr Lawson..mmmm..are you okay in there? No answer. I could only hear the sound of throwing up. I counted till ten..and then I slowly opened the door. Dr Lawson was kneeled in front of the toilet bowl,throwing up. I stood still for a couple of minutes. I didn't know her well...but she needed help. I kneeled behind her and started rubbing her back,like I had done for Violet a couple of times. -It's okay. -I whispered to her- I'm here...I'm here. Five minutes later,she stopped throwing up. -Is it over?-I asked her in a concerned tone. -Are you..alright now? -Yes,yes.-she whispered-yes,thank you. I'm sorry. -Don't even mention. -I smiled at her- I should have some peppermint in my purse. It worked with Violet when she was sick like this. -How..how do you..-she whispered,following me outside the tiny bathroom -I saw my sister pregnant for 3 times and my mum was a midwife..so..-I rummaged into my purse and I found a box of peppermint candies- here.Take some. She took some candy and ate it silently while she sank on the couch. -It's just..I throw up every time I eat..-She giggled- now I understand why my patients ask me why it's called morning sickness. -I'm sorry you feel sick.. -It's normal.-she smiled- and the peppermint really seems to be working. -You can keep the all pack. I have others in my purse. -Are you sure? I gave her the little box of candy. -Of course. Oh..and of course I won't tell anyone,don't you worry. -you're the sweetest. Violet knows though..she guessed. You're both super bright. -Thanks. -I'm about to go and check on the baby again. Would you like to come with me? -I..I don't want to leave Violet alone. Our aunt had to go home...and there's just me.. -I can have a nurse come and stay with her while we go to the NICU. And...if you stay with the baby for a while,then Mr Johnson can come here and spend some time with Violet. He's worried about her. -I kinda feel bad..to see the baby before Violet does.. -do you wanna wake her up and ask her if you can go? -no,she has just fallen asleep. I bit my lip. -Okay,let's go. 15 minutes. -Great! -the doctor smiled- I'll get the nurse. You wait here. A few seconds later,she came back into the room,followed by a nurse. I took my purse.-Follow me. -Dr Lawson told me- come on. We'll be back soon. I followed her out of the room and into an elevator. -Put your hair up..you're gonna have to wear a cap and gown before getting in there. I did as told. -how much more does the baby need to be in the NICU?-I asked. -It depends on her bilirubin levels.-she paused,smiling- but she's doing well..so hopefully they'll discharge her soon. -and what about Violet? - I believe she doesn't want to go home before the baby does..so I'll keep her here for another day..she has had a difficult time after all. We got to the pediatrics floor..and outside of the NICU. Both the doctor and I wore protective gear and washed our hands. Then we got in. There were incubators and machines. A lot of parents..a lot of babies. We got to the last row of incubators. I saw David,sitting on chair near the last one. We got closer. - hi..- doctor Lawson whispered- look who's here. -Amy? -he said -did you come here on your own? Can you even be here? -I brought her here to see the baby. -the doctor explained- she can stay here for a bit..so you can go and spend some time with Violet. -how is she? -she's sleeping. -I replied- but she'd love to see you. -are you sure I can go? I nodded. He got closer to the baby -Daddy is gonna be back soon,princess - he said- be good for aunt Amy,okay? Then he got up he ran out of the room. -you can sit there. -Dr Lawson encouraged me- come on. I did as told. I looked at the baby. She looked at me. -she's so beautiful. -I whispered- so beautiful. -you can talk to her.. -can I..touch her? -of course. - she smiled-be gentle though. -Hi,baby girl. -I said -I'm your aunt Amy. I cannot wait for you to come home. We're gonna spend so much time together. I'm gonna play with you,read to you and sing you lullabies. Then when you get older,I'll braid your hair and teach you a lot of other things..like playing the piano,bake cookies and how to deal with being the baby of the family. The baby gurgled. -do you like the idea? -I whispered,touching her tiny hand.- I love you so much. She looked at me and squeezed my finger.-oh wow..you're strong! -I whispered- like your mummy,uh? She misses you so much. You know..she's my superhero. You're lucky to have her as a mum. I hope you won't be a picky eater..because she can cook a lot of yummy stuff and it'd be a shame for you not to taste those. She also makes the best Irish Apple crumble in the entire world and I cannot wait till you can taste it yourself because it's so yummy. The baby was still looking at me -that was the only cake she could eat when she was pregnant with you..so I suppose you like it already,don't you? And I bet you don't like licorice! - I giggled- your mummy loves it..but she if she had a piece of it while pregnant with you..she would throw up instantly! So I think you don't like it,do you? I bet you don't even like tea..which is weird because your mum drinks gallons of it! -I sure do. - Violet's voice came from behind me- I'm half Irish after all. I turned around and I saw Violet. She was in a wheelchair,her hands in her lap and a gown like mine on. David was behind her and Doctor Lawson was watching her like a hawk. -how are you? - I asked her- who did you bribe to get out of bed? -me..-the doctor said- she told me she would stay in bed all day tomorrow if I let her come here. -she usually keeps her promises. Right,Violet? She nodded. I moved so David could sit. I was feeling like the odd one out. -so..uhm..I think I should go. -No! -Violet said- Stay. The baby likes listening to you talking to her. -did you hear what I told her? -most of it...-she smiled- I love you so much,lass. - I love you too,Vi. -can I hold my baby now? -she asked the doctor with puppy eyes- please.. -of course. She gently scooped the baby out of her incubator and she gave it to Violet. -Hi,baby girl..-Violet said,tears streaming down her face- did you miss me? I missed you so much. She started rocking her gently. -do you want auntie Amy to hold you? -she asked her at some point- oh, of course you do.. -Violet..I..can't.. -I said- I don't want to hurt her... -You won't hurt her. -she smiled at me- nor drop her. And she won't break. Come on. She gave me the baby. -Gosh..-I whispered - it feels weird. But it's amazing. -It is,uh? - Violet echoed- I'll teach you how to change her diaper and how to feed her if you want. -yay! -I whispered- but I can't feed her. -I'll pump from time to time. So you can give her a bottle. But this all babysitting thing will happen only on the weekends and for a few hours a day during the rest of the summer. -her voice got sweeter- you have school to think about. And...I think some shadowing would do good too. -really? -I said- can I? -Dr Lawson said she'll set up something for you. I was so happy. -did you hear that?-I whispered to the baby - I'll get to take care of you and to shadow doctors! I still don't know what's your name,though. Tough choice for your mummy and daddy..you need a pretty name. Pretty name for a pretty girl. Violet and David looked at each other. -go ahead. -he told her,smiling. -her name is Elizabeth. -she said- Elizabeth Marie. - that's so pretty.

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